Mario Golf
by Billy Scranner
Summary: Mario and his friends go out for a lovely game of golf! Things quickly take a turn for the worst, however, forcing Mario to embark upon a journey neither he nor you will ever fore-get.
1. A1C1 - Level 1

**Act I: Rise**

If Mario had to be described with one phrase, most would likely call him "Number One." If he had to go somewhere, he'd run like the ground beneath him was aflame. If he had to open something, he'd crack it like a prize chef with an egg in hand. If he had to jump, he'd be sure to break his own record every time. Was he trying to prove himself to someone? Was he insecure? Was he just a really ambitious guy? No one could know, because they'd never ask him. You don't ask a firework why it combusts the way it does. You just watch. A spectacle isn't meant to be dissected and scrutinized. Like a frog in a lab, tearing it apart will kill it. So you just watch. Mario was watched. And sure enough, Mario always lived up to expectations.

With that in mind, Mario scowled as he watched the golf ball which was not his roll straight into its home in the ground on the first strike.

"Mama Mia," Mario said under his breath, as he turned to face his brother and the lucky golfer, "I'm-a losing to a dinosaur."

"I'd say we're all-a winning, because we're having fun! Right, Yoshi?" Mario's brother gave the dinosaur a loving pat on the head. Yoshi stared back with big puppy-like eyes, far too innocent to have just managed that birdie.

"Yeah, Luigi, well we'll see how-a much fun you're having when you get shown up by a guy who can't bathe himself."

The three laughed together under the rising sun - Yoshi likely didn't understand why they were laughing, but also didn't want to be left out. As their joy died down, they realized just how serene Mushroom Way was at this time of day. An earthy scent brushed through the brothers' mustaches. The air was still, as if the sky itself had held its breath to enjoy this moment. Truly, they were all at peace.

"**HELLO!"**

The three all jumped at the shrill cry that had cut through the air. They turned to face their itty bitty fungal friend Toad.

"Oh. Hi-a, Toad," Mario said, "What are you-"

"**PRINCESS PEACH IS IN DANGER!"**

"It's-a not even Tuesday. Oh well, where-"

"**BOWSER AND HIS KOOPAS ARE IN THE PRINCESS' CASTLE!"**

"Right, right, thank you, Toad."

"Do you need-a me to go with you, bro?" Luigi asked.

"I'll be fine. Watch over that little cheater, I'll be back in-a ten minutes." Mario ran off to save the day, as Luigi and Yoshi waved him goodbye, and Toad stood firmly in place with his beady, lifeless eyes.

Mario bolted through the dirt roads of Toad Town straight to Peach's castle. There was no time for grace - Bowser's flying ship was already circling the castle, blotting out the sun. Mario crouched down to jump over the guardrails that lined the road. When he jumped up, however, he ended up clearing not only the guardrail, but one of the toad's little houses. He tumbled a bit when he finally landed, but was back on his feet soon enough.

The front gate of the castle was surrounded. The Mushroom Kingdom's glistening white capital was lined with a horde of grumbly little goombas and crusty old koopas, all with their gaze locked onto the horizon in front of them. The red plumber would not break through their guard. Mario agreed, and instead slunk up to the easternmost side of the castle. Peach's castle was supported by four towers, one on each corner. Mario squatted low to the ground next to one of these towers. As he flew into the air, he kicked his foot against the tower next to him. The push back from his kick sent him straight towards the other tower. He twisted his body around and kicked again. He got sent back to the first tower and twisted again. Kick. Jump. Kick. Jump. Mario continued until he made it to a balcony close to the roof of the castle. He did it in only 5 jumps too. Nice. Mario kicked in a stained glass window on the balcony and hopped through.

Mario landed in the throne room. The walls were cracked, and the lacey pink throne in the center was flatter than usual, as if someone who was not supposed to sit in it decided it disagreed with that notion. When Mario hit the floor, the tile beneath him clicked like a light switch. Four fuzzy little men burst from the ground, each with a socket wrench aimed at Mario. Held at wrenchpoint, Mario could only watch as the toadstool shaped doors swung ajar. A yellow beast lumbered through the doors, shaking the ground as he walked. His head was topped with billowing red hair; and he lugged a green shell on his back, much like Atlas holding up the heavens.

"Well would'ja get a load of this!" The beast said with a stomach turning grin, "The 'Super' ol' Mario fell for my trap! As if I wouldn't guess you'd wall jump up the side of the castle."

"It's-a worked for a good decade," Mario replied, "Where's-a the Princess, Bowser?"

"Have you never been to a magic show? The fun is in not knowing. It's a mystery you'll keep with you to the grave; Rocky Wrenches, attack!"

The mole men wound back their wrenches, and threw. Just then, Mario leapt into the air. All of the moles ended up hitting each other with their own tools before the plumber landed back down.

"What!? Impossible!" Bowser's mouth began to glow and hiss, like the coals of a steam train. "Fine! I'll just have to take you out the usual Bowser way!" Bowser spat out a wave of fire at the plumber. Mario sprung above the inferno, but when he landed, Bowser charged him. The koopa swiped at Mario with his claws. Mario ducked his head, but his cheek still got torn open. Bowser swiped again. Mario leapt over this bullet punch, and stomped on Bowser's arm. His scaly limb didn't even move. Bowser threw his arm to the left, sending the plumber tumbling to the ground.

Bowser's armor was far too thick. Mario wouldn't be able to even touch the koopa unless he found somewhere else to strike. While he was thinking, Bowser blew another crimson wave at Mario. The flames latched onto Mario's puffy cap, and trickled down his hair. He flicked off his hat while slapping the crimson embers in his hair.

Crimson…

Mario looked down at his burning cap. The flames on his headwear reminded him of the fiery hair atop Bowser's big dumb squishy head. Of course, that was it! Mario set up his play by backing up towards the wall behind him.

"You scared, Fredo?" Bowser said through a toothy grin as he approached the plumber.

"Terrified," Mario replied, as he then ran to Bowser's right, "For-a you, Bowser. I've already-a beaten you."

Bowser growled at this notion and swung his meaty right arm at Mario. Just before he could make contact, though, Mario leapt backwards. Bowser just missed his foe. In midair, Mario then kicked his feet off of the wall behind him to send him forward over Bowser. The momentum of his swing angled Bowser down towards the ground; it was the perfect angle to hit Bowser right in his noggin! Mario dug his heels into Bowser's head, knocking the beast out cold.

Bowser fell onto the marble floor, cracking it with a loud thud. As Mario landed on the ground, the fungal doors swung open again, flooding with a horde of happy little Toads. Mario smiled as he saw them being followed by a figure in a poofy pink dress.

"Peach! You're-a safe!" Mario ran up to the princess with open arms.

"Of course, Mario. We do this every month." Peach embraced Mario regardless, in a moment of tender silence.

And then, the Toads rejoiced.

"**WOW MARIO YOU DID IT!"**

"**GOOD JOB YOU DID IT MARIO!"**

"**CONGRATULATIONS MARIO!"**

"**WOWEE!"**

"**HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SON!?"**

"**HOORAY FOR MARIO HOORAY!"**

"Please-a Princess, make them-a stop," Mario begged.

"Hey, everyone, who wants to go eat cake to celebrate?" Peach said as she began to make her way to the kitchen. The Toads all went quiet. Activating their hive mind, they all marched after the princess for their sugary surprise. Mario followed the horde, ready to conclude another long day.

LEVEL COMPLETE

"_...You know, I think the jumping was too high."_

"_Oh, really? You don't say."_

"_Hey, go easy on me, balancing his adductor muscles with his rectus femoris is a very delicate process."_

"_He cleared a damn house!"_

"_Alright, fine, I'll turn it down. How much?"_

"_Pfft, uh...point one four percent."_

"_Where is the jump force anyway? This UI is godawful, it's so cluttered. Hmm...ah, here! Okay, bringing jump force down...done! Alright, trial #726 starting now."_


	2. A1C2 - Level 1 Again?

If Mario had to be described with one phrase, most would likely call him "Number One." If he had to go somewhere, he'd run like the ground beneath him was aflame. If he had to open something, he'd crack it like a prize chef with an egg in hand. If he had to jump, he'd be sure to break his own record every time. Was he trying to prove himself to someone? Was he insecure? Was he just a really ambitious guy? No one could know, because they'd never ask him. You don't ask a firework why it combusts the way it does. You just watch. A spectacle isn't meant to be dissected and scrutinized. Like a frog in a lab, tearing it apart will kill it. So you just watch. Mario was watched. And sure enough, Mario always lived up to expectations.

"Mama Mia," Mario said under his breath, as he turned to face his brother and the lucky golfer, "I'm-a losing to a-...what?"

"I'd say we're all-a winning, because we're having fun! Right, Yoshi?"

"What...Luigi, what time is it?" Mario began to break into a cold sweat.

"Eh, it's about 9:30."

"Are you sure? What-a happened to Bowser? Where's-a the princess? Where's-a the cake?"

"Mario, are you feeling okey dokey? Maybe we've-a been out in the heat too long. How about we-a head over to Tayce T's and get-a some special shakes?" Luigi's idea made Yoshi wag his tail with joy.

"No, we can't-a go! If it's only 9:30, then that means-a the princess is still-"

"**HELLO!"**

Toad's ear-splitting voice made the brothers jump once again.

"Oh. Hi, uh...hi, Toad."

"**PRINCESS PEACH IS IN DANGER!"**

"Because of-a Bowser and his koopas, right?"

"**BOWSER AND HIS KOOPAS ARE IN-...well, yeah."**

"Mario, this is-a getting weird," Luigi said, "Should I come with you to Peach's-a castle?"

"No, Luigi, I'll-a take care of this. You take care of Yoshi. I'll-a let you know if something goes wrong." Mario took off towards Peach's castle once again.

"_Is Mario acting...strange to you?"_

"_He seems fine to me...Did you just call the subject Mario?"_

"_Mario, subject, same thing. Stay focused, here comes the fence and the house."_

Mario hadn't been paying much attention the first time he ran through Toad Town, but as far as he could tell, everything seemed exactly the same. Bowser's ship was in the same place in the sky, the same Toads were running for their lives, and he was approaching the same guardrail he'd leapt over before. Just like the last time, Mario squatted down and sprung over the guardrail. This time, however, his feet just graced over the rail, and he splat right into the house in front of him.

"_Oh my god. What did you do?"_

"_I turned down the jump force, just like you told me to!"_

"_What did you do _exactly_?"_

"_I told you, I turned down the jump force by one point four percent."_

"_...one point four percent?"_

"_One point four percent-"_

"_I said point one percent! Point! One!"_

"_What's the difference!?"_

"_The difference is he just jumped into a door! He doesn't look like 'Jumpman,' he looks like a deer that just got shot! What do you have to say for yourself!?"_

"_Well I-"_

"_Shh, shut up, here comes Peach's castle!"_

Mario approached Peach's castle from the side, again, and scaled its wall. After making it to the balcony in only 6 jumps, Mario kicked in the window. This time, though, the plumber slipped off his freshly polished left shoe and threw it into the throne room. The Rocky Wrenches popped out of the floor like before, and surrounded the shoe. From the windowsill, Mario watched Bowser enter the throne room with his same grin. His grin quickly faded when he saw the scene before him.

"What!? How did you predict my trap!?" Some smoke began to peek out of Bowser's maw as he said this.

"I-a wish I could answer you, Bowser. I'll have to wait to find out, though, after I-a stop you!" Mario stayed by the window, waiting for the koopa to charge him. Sure enough, Bowser ran towards Mario, and swung at him with his right arm. Mario jumped off of the windowsill, and landed on Bowser's head. Bowser toppled to the ground yet again. The Toads flooded the room, followed by Peach.

"Mario," Peach said, "is everything alright? You look pale."

"As-a long as you're-a fine, I'm fine. My mind has just...been all over the place today." Mario could have sworn he'd already been through this whole morning. Perhaps he had some sort of a magical prophetic vision? Nothing seemed particularly magical about this morning, though. "We should probably go-a make a cake before the Toads start-a screaming."

"Screaming? What do you-"

"**WOW MARIO WOW WOW MARIO WOWEE GOOD JOB WOWSERS WIPPIE BING BING WAHOO YOU DID IT WOW WOW WOW!"**

"You know what I think that's actually a good idea, Mario. Cake in the kitchen everyone!"

The Toads all began humming like microwaves as they hovered to the kitchen as they usually do. Mario felt a little fatigued after a morning he didn't quite understand, but he was happy to bring it to a close with Princess Peach and a sugary sweet.

LEVEL COMPLETE

"_You know what? I think we need to turn down his air acceleration."_

"_Really?"_

"_Yeah, look at how quickly he keeps getting to Bowser's head. He's supposed to be Mario, not Spider-Man."_

"_Sure, okay, let's do it. Bring down the max to 0.061184?"_

"_Yes! We're finally getting somewhere."_

"_Alright, trial #727 starting now. I feel like I'm forgetting something...Oh well."_


	3. A1C3 - Something's Not Right

If Mario had to be described with one phrase, most would likely call him-

"Che cazzo, what's-a going on!?" Mario threw his club to the ground.

"Hey, calm down, Mario," Luigi said to his brother, "It's-a just a game."

"I'm-a not-a talking about the game, Luigi! I'm-a talking about how I keep living this morning. This is-a my third morning this morning, and I don't know how many more-a mornings this morning has in store!"

"...Mario, are you feeling okey-"

"No, I-a don't need a shake. Thanks, though, bro."

"I, uh...didn't say anything about a shake. Though I was about to. You're-a really freaking me out."

"That makes-a two of us. It's about 9:30, right?" Mario covered his ears.

"Yeah, why do you-"

"**HELLO!"** Toad's cry made Luigi and Yoshi jump.

"I've-a got to go, Luigi. Peach is in danger. Bowser and his koopas are in her castle. I'll be back soon!" And Mario took off.

Running through Toad Town for the third time, Mario was now sure that this morning was identical to the prior two. There was no way they could've been dreams, right? Mario stopped as he approached the guardrail he'd stumbled over twice before. Instead of jumping, he cautiously climbed over the fence before continuing towards Peach's castle.

"_...Did he just climb the fence?"_

"_Looks like it, yeah."_

"_He's supposed to jump!"_

"_He doesn't have to jump _everywhere_."_

"_He's 'Jumpman'! It's in the name! He jumped the last 100 trials, why isn't he jumping now!?"_

"_Hey, can you blame him? The last two times he tried to clear that fence he ended up eating dirt."_

"_Yeah but it's not like he knows that-...Does...Does he know?"_

"_Does he know what?"_

"_Does he know about the simulation!?"_

"_What!? No! Stop being so paranoid. We've tested the scrambler every 10 trials, and it's been perfectly operational every single time."_

"_Well check it again!"_

"_Fine, fine, if it'll shut you-..."_

"_..."_

"_..."_

"_...Why aren't you saying anything?"_

"_...Well...I, uh...I might've accidentally...turned off the scrambler."_

"_...Turned off the scrambler? How do you 'turn off' the scrambler?"_

"_It's quite simple, actually, you just press this button, click accept, and-"_

_"I meant how do you turn it off 'accidentally', moron!"_

"_I'm sorry, it must've happened when I was navigating the UI to get to the jump force!"_

"_Well turn it back on!"_

"_Okay, it's on! I'll terminate this trial right now."_

"_No, you idiot! Terminating the trial before the end of the level could throw the subject into shock, and the nearest medical bay is a mile down the hall! Just let him run through the level and then we'll kill it."_

Mario approached the castle and began to scale its side again.

"_Just calm down, okay? Even if he remembers his last couple trials, he has no way to tell that they were simulations. For all he knows, they were bad daydreams, hallucinations maybe. For all he knows, all of this is still-"_

"_ATTENTION ALL CREW, ATTENTION ALL CREW! INCOMING ATTACK FROM THE PORT SIDE!"_

Just as Mario climbed atop the balcony, he was knocked to the floor by something he couldn't see, accompanied by the most chilling sound; a mix of a fiery crackle with the crunching of metal. This roar was so loud, it left Mario's ears ringing. As he staggered back up to his feet, he looked around for his attacker. Curiously, no one else was on the balcony. Much more curiously, though, was the hole that now hung over his head.

It looked as though a piece of the sky itself had fallen, and through the gap, Mario could see a lifeless grey metal ceiling. The plumber stepped backwards to get a better view of this anomaly, but one step too many sent him crashing through the throne room window. From the other side, however, Mario could no longer see Toad Town. Instead, he saw the inky blackness of the night sky, empty save for a strange aircraft. It was long like a snake, winged, and armed to the teeth with cannons. This odd battleship was being barraged with lasers too bright to stare at, seeming to come from the castle itself. Soon, the ship had taken too much - most of its left half burst into a rose of flames. Just as quickly as Mario had discovered it, it was sent hurtling out of sight.

"Well would'ja get a load of this!" Bowser had entered the throne room without Mario's notice. In fact, until now, Mario didn't realize he was once again surrounded by the Rocky Wrenches. "The 'super' ol' Mario fell for my trap!" The koopa didn't seem to notice the carnage going on beyond the window.

"I-a can't-a take this anymore!" Mario began rubbing his eyes furiously. "I-a want to wake up! I-a want to wake up!"

"_He's not gonna be able to fight Bowser like this, just skip over the boss battle and cut to the end."_

Just then, Bowser and the Rocky Wrenches flickered out of existence. The Toads and Princess Peach entered the room.

"Are you okay, Mario? You look pale." Peach approached Mario with a worried look in her eyes. "Let's go talk about what's been going on-"

"No! Every time I-a go through those-a doors, I restart this morning! I'm trapped in some-a sort of cycle, and I need to get out!"

"_I don't think he's going to believe the NPCs anymore."_

"_Fuck it, kill the simulation."_

"_But what about the shock?"_

"_Look at his vitals, he's about to have a heart attack! Just kill the simulation and if he goes into shock, we'll say it happened when the frigate got hit just now."_

"_Okay! Terminating simulation in 10, 9, 8-"_

As Mario fell to the floor and kept rubbing his eyes, one of the Toads came up and comforted him.

"**EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY, MARIO! DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD!"**

"Lose...Lose-a your head..." Mario stopped rubbing his eyes, a spark lighting in his head as he stared at Toad's strawberry red jiggly mushroom cap.

"_7, 6, 5-"_

Mario placed his gloved hands on the side of his head. He then cupped them as if he were wearing a hat like Toad's. With all his might, Mario pushed his hands up. Even though there was nothing there, he felt as though he were pushing his hands into a brick wall. No matter how pointless it was, though, Mario kept pushing.

"_4, 3, 2-"_

Click.

In the blink of an eye, everything was gone. The castle, the princess, the Toads, they'd all disappeared. In their place, Mario found himself in a small metal room, facing a window leading out to space. He stood atop a glossy black ball built into the floor. About the size of a cow, it rolled in place whenever Mario moved his feet. An iron belt was shackled around his waist. From its back, the belt was connected to the ceiling by a spidery electronic arm. Mario stared in awe; so much awe, in fact, that he didn't realize what he was holding. A bulky metal helmet fell from his hands, and hit the ground with a thunk. It was covered with wires, and had two paper thin lenses hanging from its front.

Lost for words, Mario creaked his head to the left. Two insectoid figures were watching Mario with lifeless glowing eyes. They were lanky, and almost twice his height. Their arms ended with massive claws, which faintly radiated a mechanical light from the inside. One was dark purple, and sat behind a desk littered with buttons and words he couldn't read. The other, a bright red, stood beside the first. The purple creature leaned over to its acquaintance.

"...If we play it cool," the purple one whispered, "I'm pretty sure we can convince him this one's a simulation too."

"AHHHHH!"

"Get the door!" the red one shouted. As Purple jumped out of his chair and bolted to the door behind him, Red aimed one of his gaping claws at Mario. A bolt of electricity burst out at Mario. Reflexively, Mario jumped in the air and twisted around. The bolt hit the spider arm, busting it off of Mario's waist and allowing him to topple to the floor.

Red fired another shot at Mario. Mario rolled out of the way and onto his feet, before making a run for the door. He was faster, but Purple's headstart got him to the door first. Mario was forced to halt his path.

"Okay, Mario," Red said as he readied another shot, "this isn't gonna kill you, but it's not gonna feel good either." Mario couldn't jump around here forever. He used the few seconds he was gifted to think of his escape plan.

With a crackle, Red discharged another bolt. His decision made, Mario jumped out of the way and onto Purple's desk. Before Red could fire another shot, Mario sprung off the desk and onto Red's alien skull. With his mind calm and still, Mario kicked off of Red as hard as he could, and shot straight towards the window.

If he really was in space, exiting this room could kill him. But if the window really was easy enough to break, that had to mean it was safe to leave, right? Regardless, Mario was at ease; not because he knew he wouldn't die, but because he knew that if he did, he'd prefer it to living in a lie for the rest of his existence. And so Mario crashed out of the window, and plummeted to his fate.

Red and Purple stood in awe at what had just transpired. Red was still reeling from the kick he'd received. Purple cleared his throat before breaking the air.

"...We're probably getting a demotion tomorrow."

When Mario landed, he realized he himself had been in a battleship, one even larger than the craft that'd been destroyed. He was on a deck on the outside of the ship, and sure enough, the ship was out in the void of space. Somehow, though, Mario didn't feel as though he was dying. Perhaps there was some sort of bubble around the ship he couldn't see? After his fall, Mario reached instinctively to adjust his cap - only to realize he didn't have his cap. Looking down, in fact, all of his regular clothes were gone. Instead, he was covered from the neck down in a dark grey spandex suit. There were little nodes all over the suit, though for what Mario didn't know.

Just then, sirens all over the ship went off, painting the deck bright red. Mario decided to not wait to find out if the siren was for him or not. He made a mad dash for a strange metal tent, like a greenhouse from hell. It must have been battered by the blast from before; its door was slightly ajar. As he threw open the door, he heard another swing open in the distance. Wherever this chamber ended, something was coming. Where could Mario go? Was there a box he could hide behind? Should he go back outside? As Mario looked around, he noticed the roof above him looked off. He had to squint to see it in the shadowy room, but there was a hole in the ceiling, leading to a little nook just big enough for a man. Mario ran and leaped into the air, reaching his hand out for the hole.

Close. But no cigar.

Mario missed the ceiling, and fell straight through the floor. He landed in a dimly lit hall, on some broken pipes.

"I heard something down the Beta Deck!"

The scuttling of dozens of feet rang through the halls from both ends. Mario jumped to his feet, and backed up against the wall as he looked down the hall. Just then, his hand ran over a large dial. He turned around to face a thick steel door. When Mario turned the dial, the door slid open with a fat crank, leading to a storage room filled with tankers and machinery. Mario ran in and closed the door behind him, casting the room in total shadow. He stepped forward, his arms reached out to probe his environment. Something cold and smooth graced his hands. It was hard to remember from such a short glimpse, but Mario was pretty sure the tankers had frosted glass doors which looked like they could be pulled open. Mario felt up the object before him until he found a thin lever. With a hard yank, a door opened up. Mario forced his way into the cramped tanker, and slammed the door shut. The horde of footsteps stopped all at once.

"Where is he!? The hall only has two doors!"

"Maybe the sound was from above?"

"No, it had to be-wait, what if he's in _there?_"

Mario froze, his blood running cold.

"Forget it, it's not worth the time to check."

Phew. Mario couldn't help but break out a sigh of relief as he wiped some sweat off of his brow.

"Yeah, if he is in there, he won't be for long. Let's go check the Gamma Deck."

As the footsteps drifted away, Mario found himself at another loss of breath. What did they mean by that? Where would he be going? Mario's thinking was interrupted by the whirr of another door opening. Trapped by the darkness of his tanker, all he could sense was the wobbling of his container being pulled away. He frantically threw open the door to the tanker, only to be greeted by his worst fear; he was again outside of the ship, drifting farther and farther away. Whatever shield was around the ship wouldn't last forever. What could he do? How could he get back to safety, if you could even call it that?

"Get out of the way!"

"What?" Mario looked around to find the voice he'd just heard.

"I said get out of the way!" A small hand reached out from behind Mario, armed with a handheld metal tool. It shot out a long chain, with a razor sharp hook at the end. The hook dug into the interior of the trash chute, anchoring the tanker in place. The stranger's hand pressed a button on his hook. The chain retracted, pulling Mario and his tanker back into the frigate.

"...Phew," the stranger said, "Glad that's settled."

"Settled!?" Mario replied, "Nothing's-a settled! I'm in the middle of-a space, I-a don't know where my friends are, bugmen are-a trying to kill me, and I-a don't know what's-a going on! Who are you to-a tell me everything's settled!?...Actually, who are you?"

Mario rolled around in his tanker to face the stranger. Upon looking at him, it was clear to see how Mario didn't notice him earlier. This man was...short. Shorter than Mario, even. Somewhat like a child, his head made up almost half of his height. He was dressed in a frilly green tunic, and a funny little matching hat.

"Oh, I'm Link! Well, sorta." As the trash chute closed again, Link tapped the back of his hand. A triangular emblem lit up, illuminating the room. "C'mon, let's get you to a medical bay, I know one that's nearby."

"Sorta?" Mario began to climb out of the tanker. "What do you-ack!" The second his left foot touched the ground, pain shot up every bone in his leg. He fell to the ground clutching his ankle.

"Oh yeah, probably shouldn't use that leg too much." Link got out and approached the big door.

"How did you-a know that?"

"Well I may not be one to talk about messed up anatomy, but I'm pretty sure feet don't bend that way."

Mario looked down at the foot in question. Sure enough, it was pointed a lot more to the left than it usually was. It must've happened when Mario fell, and he could only notice in this somewhat calm moment. With a deep breath, Mario planted his right foot into the ground. As he was about to stand up on his left, he saw Link reach his teeny tiny little hand out to him. Mario grabbed Link's hand, and Link draped Mario's arm over his shoulder. Link opened the door, and the two hobbled their way down the hall.

For better or worse, Mario knew they wouldn't be running into any of the ship's crew in this medical bay. The only light in the room would only last 10 seconds at best before flickering out with an irritated buzz, and then turning back on. The walls were rusted, and the cabinets were empty, save for one half-empty first aid kit. Mario sat down on an icy metal bench, covered by an undersized white fabric. Link began to fish through the first aid kit. He found a stethoscope and a head mirror, which he threw on with a smile.

"Alright, let's fix you up!" Link pulled out a syringe full of a clear liquid and began injecting it into Mario's ankle.

"So, uh, what did you-a mean when you said you were 'sorta' Link? I think I've-a met Link before, but you don't look like Link." Mario couldn't really feel the syringe, with how overwhelming the pain of his ankle was.

"Well, I am to Link how you are to Mario. I don't really have a name, I was only marked as subject 43. Some of the Orpheon's crew called me Link, but I actually like to call myself Toon Link. Just in case I meet Link for real. Because of my defects, I kinda look like a cartoon." Toon Link giggled to himself as he began to readjust Mario's foot.

"You are to Link like me to what? I...I-a don't understand."

"You know, how-...oh." Link froze. "You...don't know."

"Don't know what?"

"I'm going to try and explain this delicately." Toon Link snapped Mario's foot back into place. "You're not actually Mario, you're a clone of Mario with all of his memories and you've been living in a simulation for the few months you've been alive."

"Wh...what?"

"Whew, okay." Toon Link sat down and crossed his legs. "We're on a frigate right now called the Orpheon. It's piloted by a group of intergalactic criminals called the Space Pirates. The Orpheon is a research vessel; recently, the Space Pirates have been researching cloning. They've been going to other planets, getting samples of DNA from lifeforms they deem useful, and trying to make perfect biological clones of them. Once they make the clones, though, they try to conscript them into their army by messing with their memories. They recreate the memories the original specimen would've had, and then rewrite them to better suit the Space Pirates. From how you've been taking everything, though, I guess your memories haven't been touched yet."

"So...I'm a clone? My-a whole life...it's a lie."

"Yep! You're taking this a lot better than I thought. Figured there'd be more denial."

"I-a want to deny it, but there's-a no other way I can explain what's going on. Even if this is all some-a sort of sick nightmare, it-a seems I can't wake up." "Mario" and Toon Link sat in a muggy silence, contemplating their situation.

"...Well, for a change of pace, how's your leg doing?"

"Hmm." "Mario" sat up off the bench and stood on his feet. "I don't feel anything. What did you-a shoot me with?"

"Uh..." Toon Link squinted to read a label on the syringe. "Booboo...Boopis...Bu-pi-va-caine. Bupivacaine!"

"What-a type of medicine is that?"

"It's an anesthetic. So actually, your foot is still horribly mangled. You just won't be able to feel it. For a while, anyway."

"How-a long of a while?"

"Well let's just say I probably wasn't supposed to use this whole thing."

"How-a much did you use?"

"The whole thing."

"Mama Mia." "Mario" plucked the fabric off of the bench and wrapped it around his shoulders.

"Hey, that's future Mario's problem!" Toon Link got on his tippy toes and put a hand on "Mario's" shoulder. "Speaking of the future, what do we do now?"

"Huh?"

"What do we do? I haven't really established any life goals yet, so I'll probably just follow you. So what do you wanna do?"

"Mario" brought a hand to his chin, and, for the first time, genuinely considered this question.

"...Well, first and-a foremost, we should get off this-a ship; the 'Orpheon' you said?"

"Yeah! I'm pretty sure it's headed towards some destination right now, though I don't know where it is or how long we've got 'til we get there."

"Where could we-a find that out?"

"Hmm...maybe one of the biotech research areas? They're on this floor."

"Then let's-a go." "Mario" made his way towards the door, his fabric flowing behind him.

"Wait!"

"Hmm?"

"I need a name for you! Just in case we meet the real-eh...other Mario."

"I'm not sure. I only-a think of myself as-a Mario."

"Alright, how about...Mariotwo! No, I don't like that. Mario...Mario Mega? It's hard since you look exactly like him. Mario...hey, what's up with that thing on your back?"

"This?" "Mario" tugged on his white fabric. "I was cold, so I-a picked it up."

"No, I mean something's up with it. I think it's a coat."

"Mario" took off his fabric and held it out straight. Sure enough, it was a large billowing coat. "Mario" put it on properly this time.

"Hey...actually," Toon Link took off his head mirror and stethoscope, and handed them to his new friend, "can you put these on?"

"Sure?" He obliged.

"Yeah...yeah, that'll work. Let's get to that research area." Toon Link stepped out of the door, and strolled down the hall.

"That'll work for-a what?" asked "Mario" as he followed Toon Link.

"For your name! I'll call you Dr. Mario."


	4. A1C4 - This One's Real

So of course, there was indeed a real Mario. And he did indeed have a real morning that morning. Now you see, we have indeed been through that morning three times now. So we will, indeed, not be fucking going through that copypasta again. Go back to chapter 1 if you need to; Toad yells and it's funny because he's being loud, Bowser takes over the castle, bing bing wahoo, Mario saves the day.

Mario carefully stepped over Bowser's unconscious body, as he followed Peach and the Toads out of the throne room. They closed the door behind them, ready to enjoy their cake.

"...Are they really going to leave me here unsupervised?" grumbled Bowser, who actually was still conscious. "I'm not sure whether to feel grateful or insulted."

Bowser slowly propped himself up off the ground. His scales were torn, and his shell was cracked. The beast trudged over towards the window, and rested his chin in his hand. He sighed as he looked up at the morning sky.

"Another day, another defeat. God, has it really been 30 years of the same shit? I mean, my son's looked the same since 2002."

Bowser's gaze sunk into the clouds above him. Despite how early it was, clouds dominated the sky. It wasn't supposed to rain that day, or even that week.

"I just...I just want one chance. To make things right, to get my life together. Maybe I don't deserve a chance like that, but...doesn't Junior? I know something like that isn't just gonna fall out of the sky, but...if I could just get something..."

Bowser closed his eyes, focusing on his last thought. After a few seconds in silence, Bowser got back on his feet. When he opened his eyes, his vision was pierced by a flicker in the sky. The fixture looked like a second sun in the sky.

"Huh. I didn't think something would literally fall out of the sky, but okay..."

Bowser found it increasingly hard to examine this phenomenon; it seemed to get bigger and brighter the more Bowser looked at it. It soon became clear that the light was not that of a star; whatever this object was, it was engulfed in flame as it hurtled towards the planet. Suddenly, Toads down in Toad Town flailed in terror, and airhorns around the castle cried out to the citizens below. Bowser's eyes widened, his curiosity turning to fear as he realized that this vengeful celestial wasn't headed towards just anywhere on the planet.

It was on a straight course for the castle.

Bowser began to frantically climb out of the window in a bid to escape, but he froze as a new thought came to mind. The princess! She was still in the castle! Bowser turned around and barreled through the throne room doors. On the other side, Toads passing by looked up at the beast in shock.

"Where's the kitchen!?" Bowser roared.

**"OH NO BOWSER'S BACK HE'S GONNA KIDNAP THE PRINCESS OH NO OH WOW-"**

"Oh fuck it, I'll do it myself." With his eyes closed, Bowser focused on finding the smell of freshly baked cake. Sniff sniff, sniff sniff. There, to the left, the sweet succulence of strawberry. Bowser charged ahead, slamming into many walls as he pursued the rich odor. Soon enough, one spot in the hall smelt stronger than anywhere else he could find. He couldn't be mistaken. Sure enough he found a door as he opened his eyes, and he threw it open to rush in.

The room he found was a dimly lit meat locker, in which stood one Toad. This Toad was humming to himself as he tenderly rubbed a pork loin against his throbbing mushroom cap. The Toad kept on with this for a solid 10 seconds before he realized Bowser had been watching in a stunned silence. The Toad had no words of his own.

"...Uh," Bowser said, "...where, uh...where is the...kitchen?"

"Two doors down the right. Can't miss it."

"Alright, thank you."

So Bowser burst into the actual kitchen, where Mario watched as Peach and the Toads prepared the sugary sweet.

"Princess! We need to get out of here!" Bowser pleaded.

"Bowser!" Peach covered her mouth in surprise. "Didn't we already stop you!?"

**"OH NO BOW-"**

"Will you people shut up long enough for me to tell you that this castle is about to get blown to hell and back!?" Bowser's mouth began to fume smoke.

Mario stepped forward and placed his arm in front of Peach. "Just because you-a lost doesn't mean you have to-a try cheap tricks like this-a Bowser."

Bowser sighed, spitting out a few embers. "Fine. We'll do this the usual way." Without a moment's hesitation, Bowser broke into a full sprint towards Mario and Peach.

"Don't-a try it! You-a won't be getting your hands on the princess, Bowser-"

Before Mario could finish, Bowser swung his arm forward and grabbed not the princess but the plumber.

"Hey, you fungal freaks!" Bowser shouted as he waved Mario in the air, "If you want your little hero back in one piece, you all better chase me out the castle!" Bowser then darted out the room with Mario tucked under his arm.

"Huh, that's new. Everyone, after them!" Peach rapidly tiptoed out of the room, her Toad horde in tow.

Bowser and his new Italian tote bag, meanwhile, hurtled through the castle garden towards the front gates.

"I'm-a not gonna marry you, if that's-a where this is going," Mario explained.

"This isn't going any farther than out that door," Bowser growled, "I just need the princess to see what's coming."

"Put him down!" Just then, Peach's voice rang out behind the beast at the other end of the corridor.

"Just in the knick of time." Bowser looked back at the princess as he continued to run. "Catch me if you can, princess!"

"Catch this!" Peach dug into the garden and yanked on a growing sprout. A plump, hearty turnip - more than twice as big as her own head - followed the sprout out of the ground. She hoisted it over her head and flung it at the beast. It broke over Bowser's shell, knocking him onto the ground with the force of a car. Mario rolled out of Bowser's grip.

"Shit! We're so close to the door," Bowser groaned to himself. He placed his hands on the ground to prop himself back up, but Mario stomped on his back to push him back down.

"You're-a not going anywhere, Bowser!"

"We're all going to hell if we don't get out of here now!"

"Mario, what is he talking about?" Peach said as she cautiously approached the fell beast. Just then, Toads began dashing down the hall, screaming and flailing. One Toad ran up to Peach and began tugging on her dress.

**"PRINCESS PRINCESS THERE'S A GIANT SPACESHIP HEADED TOWARDS THE CASTLE!"**

"It's too late!" Bowser rolled around, and snatched up Mario and the princess with both hands. He then pulled himself into his shell, dragging the two in along with him. Just as he did so, the walls of the garden caved in with a burst of fire. A horrific sound - the cry of steel on steel - flooded the castle as it drowned in flames. From the darkness of Bowser's shell, the three saw brief flickers of red behind the waves of debris. The screams of machinery lasted for quite a few minutes before they were all left in silence.

Eventually, Mario and Peach crawled out of Bowser's shell. The garden was unrecognizable. The walls had mostly been torn down, and every plant was seared to ashes. Any structure that was left had been burnt to a sickly black color. After observing for a while, the gang began to trek back into the castle in silence. They were forced to climb over rubble in the absence of any doors, choking on smoke as they ascended. Each room now looked the same, and reeked of the same tar odor. Through the cloud of dust in the air, they couldn't find any bodies. Any Toads in the castle before the crash must've either escaped, or had already been buried.

Peach was the first to break the silence. "What happened? What did this?"

"This is what I was tryna warn you all about!" Bowser said, "When I was up in the throne room, I saw this big shiny thing falling towards the castle!"

**"YEAH THAT WAS THE SPACESHIP I WAS TALKING ABOUT!"**

The gang of three froze at this distinctly shrill voice, looking around to find the Toad it belonged to.

**"DOWN HERE!"**

The three looked down to see the Toad from before peeking out from under Peach's dress.

"Toad!" Peach exclaimed, "What are you doing there!?"

**"IT'S SCARY OUT THERE PRINCESS!"**

"That's no excuse! Come out from there immediately!"

**"OH BUT PRINCESS ITS SO LOUD AND SCARY OUT THERE AND THERE WAS A BIG FIRE AND A BIGGER SPACESHIP AND A BIGGERER EXPLOSION AND I JUST GOT MY TOOTH FAIRY MONEY I DON'T WANNA DIE-"**

"Alright, alright, fine! Just...please use your inside voice from now on."

**"Okay."** Toad snuck back under the safety of his royalty's robes.

"The nerve of that-" As Peach looked up, she noticed that the dust had now cleared - she could clearly make out the sky. And yet somehow, they were all still cast in shadow. Peach looked to her side, and her jaw dropped at what she saw. "Guys...I found the spaceship."

Mario and Bowser also turned to face a massive mechanical wing reaching up to the heavens. It was covered in a velvety purple fabric that blocked out the sun, light only peeking through some holes that had been torn open. It was attached to a charcoal aircraft which lay in the wreckage of the castle. Bigger than even Bowser's ship, it looked to be about the length of a football field. It was hard to tell, what with how battered the ship had become, but the configuration of its daunting armament of cannons seemed to suggest that the ship was on its side. Peach began to approach the ship, but Mario placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Wait, princess!" Mario warned. "It'd be-a dangerous to get closer!"

"But what if someone's in there?" Peach replied.

"That's-a why it's dangerous! Someone's responsible for this."

"But it isn't necessarily whoever's in there! If they meant us harm, wouldn't they just shoot us instead of throwing themselves at our castle? Maybe someone else attacked them."

"We can't-a know that."

"Not if we don't investigate, we can't!"

"Why don't'cha just ask that guy?" Bowser pointed up to a dark figure clawing its way out of the top of the spacecraft. It was only outside for a few seconds before it tumbled off of the craft and onto the ground below. Peach ran up to the figure, and Mario and Bowser followed suit. Just as Peach was getting close enough to see the figure, Mario and Bowser both threw their arms in front of the princess. The plumber and the beast then glared each other down as the princess tried to push them out of the way.

"I will not yield."

A gravelly rumbling voice interrupted the gang. Chills running down their spines, the gang turned to face their alien combatant.

They were greeted by an 8 inch tall itty bitty cotton ball. His body was blue and very squishy. He had sparkly purple boots, and nubby arms ending in gloves. His face was concealed by a mask matching the front of his spacecraft. With one hand he wrapped himself with his glossy billowing cape, and with the other he pointed a golden blade at the gang. It was no longer than a common ruler.

"Aww, he's so cute!" Peach gushed.

"He's smaller than a Toad," Mario said.

"If he was driving that thing, no wonder it crashed," Bowser said, "Probably couldn't see out the window."

"We'll see who can't see what when I cut out your eyes!" The squishy bean tried to slash at Bowser, but halfway through his swing he began to hack violently. The creature fell to the ground and dropped his weapon. Peach scooped up the bean.

"This is horrible. We need to regroup to get this kingdom back in order." Peach turned to face the other two. "Mario, go round up all of the Toads! Bowser...uh, go wait somewhere, I guess."


	5. A1C5 - The Smash Brothers

Relatively speaking, the conference room could've fared worse. The meeting table, while cracked and missing several pieces, was still standing. The roof was beginning to cave in and all the lights were busted, but the room was pretty clear of rubble. Mario, Peach, and several Toads sat around the table. The squishy alien was sat at the table as a Toad doctor applied topical ointments to his wounds. Bowser was also there, his feet propped up on the table. Mario leaned over to the princess.

"Hey, princess," he whispered, "are you-a sure it's a good idea to have Bowser here for this meeting?"

"Of course!" Peach replied, "Bowser was here for the incident just like the rest of us! In fact, he noticed it _first!_ Ensuring the safe resolution of this crisis requires _all _of us to work together, so you two will have to get along!"

"Yeah, plumber boy!" Bowser sat up straight as he snarled at Mario. "Better play nice!"

Peach turned to face their alien friend. When Peach looked away, Mario held up his gloved middle finger to Bowser. Bowser shot back with an Iberian slap.

"So, sir, what was your name? Where did you come from?" Peach asked the alien.

With bated breath, the alien replied, "My name...is Meta Knight. My ship, the Battleship Halberd, was just blown out of space."

"Space, huh," Bowser said, "Do you think you could specify that a bit? 'Space' isn't very helpful, pal."

"I can't recall what my coordinates were. Both ships were on the move, and my head is hurting greatly. I'm quite certain that my brain is swelling right now. Doctor, do you have anything stronger than over the counter Tylenol to help with this?"

"Well," the Toad doctor answered, "until the princess decides to bring methamphetamines back onto the market, I'm afraid not. I do have some vitamin supplements on hand if you're interested."

"So who-a blew up your ship?" Mario's moustache twitched curiously at the blue stranger. Meta Knight sat in quiet contemplation before speaking.

"The blast surely put some distance between me and the Villainoct. Telling you their story shouldn't place you in any danger. Bring me to the Halberd. We'll go through my archives."

The princess scooped up Meta Knight and, followed by Mario and Bowser, tiptoed over debris to the wreckage of the Halberd. The Toads stayed behind, probably snorting the doctor's leftover Tylenol or something similar. Fuck the Toads.

As the gang approached the ship, the problem of entering the vessel became more apparent.

"Where's-a...where's-a the door?" Mario asked.

Meta Knight raised a gloved hand up to the sky. "The most direct entrance to the archives is on the starboard side, just in front of the auxiliary anti-aircraft railgun."

"How do we get up there?" Peach asked as she looked up at the mighty ship. Her gaze was broken by Meta Knight's cape slapping her in the face. When she brushed it out of the way, she was shocked to see that his cape was furling up into a pair of wings.

"I'm weak right now, but I should still have the strength to fly." Meta Knight began to flap his batlike wings, carrying both him and the princess into the air.

"Hey!" Bowser shouted, "How do _we_ get up there!?"

"You're big. The red one is small. Carry him." And with that, Meta Knight was too far away to argue with. Not that Bowser didn't almost try anyway. Instead, though, he hung his head and let out a sigh.

"Get on, you guinea fuck."

And so, Bowser ascended the Halberd with Mario clinging to his shell. With every movement he made, Bowser grumbled under his breath.

"Quit-a whining, Bowser," Mario said to his nemesis, "I'm not _that_ heavy."

"It's not physical stress I'm under, plumber boy. It's emotional stress."

"Well if I'm-a such a burden to you, maybe you shouldn't have-a saved me."

"I had to! I needed you as bait to get the princess out of the castle!"

"Well then why did you pull me into your shell with her!?"

"Because I-...huh. I'm not sure actually. I guess I just figured I should." Bowser continued scaling the rest of the distance in silence. Mario wished he could provoke the big lizard further so he could use some of the zingers he came up with back in the conference room; unfortunately, he wasn't sure how to respond to Bowser's answer, so he just joined his enemy in his silence.

Once Bowser and Mario joined Peach and Meta Knight atop the Halberd, they threw open the aforementioned door and slid in. The archive room was certainly damaged; the wall they landed on was dented, and it reeked of charred steel. However, the room managed to remain organized during the crash, with all of its tightly sealed cabinets still firmly shut.

"Place me down, Princess," Meta Knight requested, "so I may tell you the prophecy of the Smash Brothers."

As Meta Knight was brought to the ground, he hobbled over to one of the cabinets in the wall. Upon opening, the cabinet released a noxious purple smog along with flickers of embers. Meta Knight fished his hand around in the cabinet until he pulled out a tablet of stone. Covered in archaic lettering and murals, the tablet was bigger than the knight himself.

"The prophecy claims that darkness and light are inherent to our world, destined to clash perpetually. It says that neither can exist without the other. The darkness and the light are forced into this volatile coexistence; surely you've noticed it by now. How heroes best villains and villains best heroes again and again, with no end in sight. There may be victories in the short run, but ultimately, neither side can truly have their way."

While telling his tale, Meta Knight ran his hand over a certain portrait on the tablet. It depicted a heavenly being, covered in gold.

"The Stargazer was the only way to circumvent this rule. It's no more than the spirit of the man who first used its power, captured in a tangible form. The duality of darkness and light is the law of this world, but the power of the Stargazer is the power to rule the world. With it, one could overthrow the balance between darkness and light, and permanently change the world to suit their interests. The Stargazer doesn't care about moral quandaries or personal desires; all it needs from you is the will to channel its power.

"The Villainoct I mentioned are a group of villains who intend to use this power. Just as the prophecy predicted, they united in the hopes of awakening the Stargazer and forging a new world of their own design. They're the ones who blew my ship to kingdom come. Some are from our universe, some are not. All are masters of the darkness. But none are darker than the one who united them."

Meta Knight then moved his hand to another image on the tablet, this one of a shadowy figure cloaked in robes of blood. Its stare felt unnervingly alive.

"The others have embraced the darkness. But he was born from it. The hate of a scorned god given flesh, he's a scourge on his land, a threat to his world on his own. With the Stargazer, he's a threat to the universe as we know it. Who knows how far his world is from this one, but no distance could protect you from the Stargazer in his hands. I assume you've never heard his name in the third person. I pray you'll never use it in the second. The newest bane of this world and all others goes by the name-"

"Hey, that-a kinda looks like-a Ganondorf," Mario interjected.

"...How do you know who Ganondorf is?"

"Yeah, who's Ganondorf, Mario?" Peach asked.

"He's that-a warlord Link always fights. Remember Link? He-a slept over the castle one time? We went-a racing with him a bit ago."

"Oh! Yeah I know Link! I don't think I've seen Ganondorf, but I know who you're talking about."

"I went inside his castle once," Bowser added, "Design was pretty bland, but he keeps some kickass meat stew in his fridge."

"Ganondorf let you inside his castle!?" Meta Knight exclaimed.

"Hey, I didn't say he let me inside, I said I went inside."

"Jesus. So this is Hyrule? Out of every planet I could've landed on, I land on the one where Ganondorf lives?"

"Well, this isn't exactly Hyrule," Peach pointed out, "We're in the Mushroom Kingdom; a hop, skip, and a pond away from Hyrule."

"Same planet, same difference...wait, maybe that's it! Maybe the prophecy is what brought me here."

Bowser groaned, "Holy shit, dude, how much prophecy can you fit on one rock, Rosetta Stone looking ass."

"The prophecy is called the prophecy of the Smash Brothers for a reason. The final piece of the prophecy is that a group of exceptional individuals would band together in order to stop the Villainoct. These warriors - the Smash Brothers - are especially attuned to the energy of life which fuels our universe. They can harness this power and unleash it in destructive bursts. And one of these Smash Brothers - the Super Smash Brother - is said to be the key to deciding whether or not the Stargazer is awakened. Perhaps landing here marks the beginning of the Smash Brothers."

"Cool, so what's our next move?"

"That'll depend on how badly the ship's been damaged. Come with me." Meta Knight fluttered back out of the ship. Mario shot Bowser looks contorted with confusion.

"What?"

"You want to stop-a this Villainoct gang?" Mario asked, "I thought-a darkness was your thing."

"Yeah, but they dropped a ship on my head. No one gets away with that!" And with that, Bowser climbed out of the archive room. Mario turned his confusion to the Princess.

"Give him a chance," Peach insisted, "It sounds like we'll need all the help we can get."

Back outside the ship, the gang once again confirmed that the Halberd was indeed broken. Meta Knight grumbled at the situation.

"It's completely inoperational. Great. If we're going to storm Ganondorf's castle, we'll need the Halberd to give us cover. It'll surely be torn to pieces again, but it's the only vessel with a chance at staying in one piece until we pass enemy borders."

"Can you fix it?" Bowser asked.

"Yes, but it would take me time. Maybe a year or two. That's time we don't have.

"How much time could we save if I have some of my subjects help you?"

Meta Knight paused thoughtfully before turning to the princess. "I appreciate the help you and your people have been your highness - really, I do. But I've met your Toads. I fear that if we have them 'repair' the Halberd, they'll do a better job at wrecking it than the Villainoct did."

Peach held up her finger as she was about to protest, before quietly putting it back down and nodding in agreement.

"It's not entirely their fault," Meta Knight continued, "The Halberd is one of the most complicated pieces of machinery in the universe. The only men I've ever met that were able to operate it were the men who built it themselves. I watched it get put together with my own eyes, and I still had some troubles with it in its run. It would take an engineering mastermind to help me fix it, and an engineering gold mine of resources to do so post haste. I don't imagine you know anyone like that."

The other three stood and thought, tapping their feet on the ground.

"...Well, we-a go racing a lot, but I wouldn't call any of us engineers," Mario thought out loud, "I'm-a pretty sure Wario owns a motorcycle...maybe we could-wait! I know who to call!"

"You do?" Peach asked.

"Yeah! Do you remember-a Jay?"

* * *

Cut from the mystical Mushroom Kingdom to the whimsical Bronx borough of New York City, where murder is high and theft is low - when the victim is dead beforehand, it's counted as graverobbing instead. On this sunny Bronx day, a sullen older man slunk through his apartment, making way towards his fridge. He threw open the door, shielding his eyes from the blinding radiance of the refrigerator bulb.

"Verizon customer service, how can I help you?" the man spoke into the phone tucked between his shoulder and his cheek. He pulled a pizza slice out of his fridge, and spoke between bites.

"Uh huh...uh huh...alright ma'am, have you tried cleaning the gold connector on the SIM?"

The man took his slice to his couch and dropped himself onto it, slung over it just like the many used clothes he'd left behind.

"...uh huh...okay, what I'd like you to do is try replacing the battery and-...which hole does it go in? There should only be one-...ma'am, that's the port for the SIM card. You have to _leave_ the card in the phone for it to work...uh huh...okay, great. Is there anything else I can help you with today?...Alright, have a wonderful day." The man hung up the phone with a groan. "Fucking troglodyte."

As quickly as it was over, his phone rang again.

"Christ of Nazareth." The man answered the phone, "Verizon customer service, how can I help you today?"

"Jay! Is that-a you?" Mario asked from the other end.

"Oh hey, hey, uh...Mario, Mario, that was it."

"Yeah, from the Mushroom Kingdom! How are things back home?"

"Oh wonderful, great," Jay rubbed the scar on his forehead, "Hey, you know that this is my work number, right? I'm not really supposed to be taking personal calls right now."

"I'm-a sorry, Jay, but this is important! Plus we tried calling your home phone but it said that the number didn't exist anymore, so we had to look up the Verizon customer support number in your area."

"Oh, yeah, right! I should probably pay the bill for that phone." Jay reached a grubby hand between the cushions of his couch. "Bill oughta be somewhere in here."

"Jay, listen, we-a really need your-a help! It's kind of a long-a story, but we have an airship we need to fix fast, and you're the only person we can think of who'd have the skills and tools to fix it!"

"Airships? I, uh, I don't really do that anymore. Not since what happened-" Jay stopped his train of thought when he felt something strangely familiar underneath the cushions.

"I know, Jay, but the universe is at-a stake! We'll-a come pick you up, we'll-a bring you to the ship, and the second it can-a fly, you can go-a right back home! There's no one other than-a Captain Falcon who can do this!"

Jay listened to Mario's pleas as he pulled the strange item out of the couch - it was a photo of him, from a time long since past. His complexion was healthier, his eyes were brighter, and he wasn't wearing pajamas. In it, he stood proudly in front of a sleek blue aircraft, as a crowd in the back cheered him on. Jay stared into the picture intensely, waiting for old memories that didn't come.

"Uh...sure," Jay finally conceeded, "Fuck it. Come pick me up, just bring a burger from the place by town hall. I'll see what I can do."

"Yes! Thank-a you, Jay, we'll be there in a while. We'll-a let you know when we're there." Mario hung up the phone and turned to his companions. "Okay, we have someone to fix-a the Halberd! Let's take the warp pipe to Brooklyn and go pick him up! Everyone ready?"

"Ready," declared Meta Knight.

"Ready!" exclaimed Bowser.

"Ready!" stated Peach.

"**Ready,**" said the Toad hiding up in Peach's coocher.

And so, our heroes began their journey to stop the Villainoct, save the universe, and bring the crown back from Shell City. Godspeed, Mario. Godspeed.


	6. A1C6 - The Doctor Is In

Something wicked had begun to overtake Dr. Mario. He couldn't put a name or a face to it. It didn't make much sense, really; he and Toon Link hadn't run into a single Space Pirate since their first encounter. But as they made their way down the nearly silent Beta Deck, the doctor couldn't help but feel bare. Like when your skin peels back and the muscle underneath feels the sting of the wind. His whole being felt open, attacked by the heartless halls of the frigate.

"Hey, Doc," Toon Link asked, "are you doing alright?"

"Huh? Uh, yeah, yeah," Dr. Mario replied, "Why do you ask?"

"Well you know that thing people do sometimes when they're nervous and they've got a pen in their hand and they just click it a whole bunch?"

"Yeah."

"You're doing that with the second Bupivacaine syringe."

Dr. Mario looked down. Sure enough, he'd been leaving a trail of the clear chemical along the ground.

"Mama Mia, I didn't even-a know there was another one." Dr. Mario handed the syringe over to Toon Link and dropped his head into his hand. "I don't-a know. I just have this feeling that something's-a very wrong."

"It's called anxiety, doctor. It's perfectly normal. Especially for people trapped in outer space."

"Well why aren't-a you anxious then?"

"I don't know, I'm not the doctor here. Maybe it's just because I've been here longer." Toon Link looked up at Dr. Mario with a grin on his face as he poked his own temple. "Plus, I think I might be missing a few parts up here."

"Why do you say that?"

"Quite a few reasons. I can't see if I plug my nose, I need to use my fingers to count to any number between 11 and 25, I've got hair on my knuckles, anything you could think of really."

"Wait, what? What does-a knuckle hair have to do with anything?"

"Oh, you don't know? Having hair on your knuckles is the second most common sign of mental retardation."

Dr. Mario promptly removed his gloves and examined his knuckles for hair. Sure enough, his Italian knuckles were covered.

"What's the first sign?" The doctor asked, his forehead growing sweaty.

"Oh, the first? It's falling for that!" Toon Link nearly fell onto the floor laughing. Dr. Mario awkwardly slid his gloves back on.

"Oh ha ha. Very funny. You know, this isn't exactly the time to be-a making jokes."

"Hey, relax, will you? Can't blame me for trying to lighten the mood on this dreary stain on the galaxy." Toon stared glumly out the window along the hall. A planet the color of rust dominated the view, hanging over the Orpheon. "Besides, we haven't run into one of those bugbrains for half an hour. It's kind of weird actually. You'd think that even if they stopped looking for us, there would still be guards regularly patrolling the halls."

"Hmm, that's-a true. Maybe they're-a busy with something else."

"Yeah, you're right. Wanna go find out what? I bet it's really cool!"

"No, no, I think I'll-a pass. Hey, I think that's-a the biotech research area."

The two stopped by an open door in the hall. It led to a cavernous room, filled with tankers like the ones in the trash chute. They looked at each other for a moment before heading inside. Inside the lab, the two realized that the tankers here were starkly different from the ones in the trash chute. Unlike the cold, dormant tanks in chute, these ones were fully activated. The yellow radiance of life illuminated the tanks, and a viscous milky liquid bubbled violently behind their glass.

"I wonder who's in these," Toon Link wondered aloud as he drummed his fingers along the glass of the tankers.

"Hey, careful! We might not want to-a meet whoever's here." As Dr. Mario tried to corral his friend, he noticed a tray sat next to one of the tanks. The tray carried an assortment of vials and chemicals of unknown origin.

"Oh cool, drugs!"

"I'm-a sure we'll need some drugs after you pumped my foot full of that garbage." Dr. Mario pocketed the chemicals on the tray.

"Oh c'mon, it's an anaesthetic! Dentists give that stuff to kids! How risky could bupivacaine be?"

"BUPIVACAINE IS MARKEDLY CARDIOTOXIC, AND PRESENTS THE RISK OF CARDIAC ARREST."

Dr. Mario and Toon Link jumped at the sound of this foreign voice. It was dry and mechanical, its originator nowhere to be found.

"Hello?" Dr. Mario called out as he looked around the lab.

"HELLO. HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?"

The two tried to follow the voice, only finding themselves staring at the tray before them. It was then that the doctor noticed a sleek white tablet, resting face down on the tray. Dr. Mario picked up the tablet, revealing a bright blue screen. It was adorned with three white dots, arranged into a very simplistic face.

"What-a are you?"

"GREETINGS," the tablet replied, "I AM THE MASSIVELY OPERATIONAL NAVIGATIONAL AND INVESTIGATIVE TECHNOLOGICAL ASSISTANT. I AM A COMBINED DATABASE AND VIRTUAL ASSISTANT DESIGNED TO HELP INEXPERIENCED CREW MEMBERS NAVIGATE THE ORPHEON ALONG WITH ITS SEVERAL DESTINATIONS."

"Jesus, that's a mouthful," Toon Link groaned, "Massive Operate...Navigate...uhh...ah! Let's call her Monita!"

"Why are you-a giving her a name?"

"MONITA WILL BE SATISFACTORY."

Dr. Mario sighed as Toon Link jumped up and down at their new assistant. Toon ran up to one of the tankers and tapped it vigorously.

"What's in this one?" Toon Link asked with a grin.

"Toon, I-a told you not to tap those."

"THAT CLONING CHAMBER CONTAINS A SPECIMEN OF THE SPECIES KNOWN AS GORDO. FROM STAR SYSTEM GB-92, IT'S METALLIC FLESH IS KNOWN TO BE NEARLY INDESTRUCTIBLE."

"Cool!" Toon Link ran over to another tanker. "And this one?"

"THAT CLONING CHAMBER CONTAINS A SPECIMEN OF THE SPECIES KNOWN AS SPRANGLER. FROM STAR SYSTEM GH-7, IT PRODUCES AN ORGANIC THREADED WEBBING WITH A HIGHER TENSILE STRENGTH THAN MODERN KEVLAR."

"Awesome!" Toon Link ran up to the next tanker and tapped on it. "And how about-"

With no warning, Toon Link's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell to the floor with a thud. Dr. Mario ran over to his small acquaintance.

"W-what-a happened to him!?"

"IT WOULD APPEAR HE HAS BEEN RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS."

"I can tell that! But-a why?"

"ANALYSIS SUGGESTS...AN INCONCLUSIVE ANSWER. IT APPEARS TO BE AN EXTERNAL AGENT, BUT NO FOREIGN BODIES CAN BE FOUND IN HIS SYSTEM. WHATEVER CAUSED IT, IT SHOULD WEAR OFF IN A FEW MINUTES."

As sweat dripped from the doctor's forehead, he turned his wide eyes up towards the last tanker Toon Link tapped. Conspicuous before, it now loomed over the doctor with a crushing presence.

"He-a blacked out when he touched that chamber. What's-a in there?"

"THAT INFORMATION IS CURRENTLY CLASSIFIED. IT WILL REQUIRE CLASS 2 AUTHORITY OR HIGHER TO CLEAR. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CONTACT THE NEAREST CLASS 2 AUTHORITY FOR CLEARANCE? IT SHOULD TAKE ROUGHLY THREE MINUTES FOR THEM TO ARRIVE AT YOUR CURRENT LOCATION."

"No, it's-a probably best for me to get him-wait, three minutes? How-a close is this authority?"

"ROUGHLY 700 FEET."

"What!?" Dr. Mario's breathing went shallow. Shoving Monita into his lab coat, he scooped up Toon Link and turned his jittery gaze around the room. He looked for any crevice he could cram the both of them in, but aside from the tankers, the room was virtually bare.

"600 FEET NOW."

"How important is class 2 authority!?" the doctor asked as he shuffled towards the nearest corner of the room.

"THE ONLY CREW MEMBER WITH AUTHORITY ABOVE CLASS 2 IS HIGH COMMANDER RIDLEY HIMSELF. EXCLUDING HIM, CLASS 2 AUTHORITIES ARE THE MOST POWERFUL INDIVIDUALS OF THE ENTIRE FACTION. THE DESIGNATION IS TYPICALLY RESERVED FOR COLONY LEADERS AND CHIEF SCIENTISTS. HOWEVER, THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE VILLAINOCT HAVE BEEN GRANTED TEMPORARY CLASS 2 AUTHORITY."

"The what?"

Dr. Mario was interrupted by the clanking sound of heavy footsteps. It came from the hall the doctor and Toon were traversing earlier, and it was followed by a throaty growl.

"My ship and I are about to pursue Aran's Gunship...Well what else am I supposed to do? Just sit around on your Frigate? Take care of your own problems."

Dr. Mario waited for the footsteps to pass before asking, "Was-a that the class 2?"

"CORRECT. HE'S A MERCENARY FROM STAR SYSTEM LY-93. THERE ISN'T MUCH INFORMATION ON HIM IN ANY ACCESSIBLE DATABASES, BUT WE DO KNOW THAT HE'S FOUGHT IN AT LEAST THREE WARS AND HE HAS A KILL COUNT IN THE THOUSANDS."

The doctor scuttled to the door and gave a quick peek into the hall. He saw the mercenary marching down the hall, talking into an earpiece. He couldn't get a good look at the mercenaries face, but he was covered in spikes and leather, and exuded an oppressive aura of death. Dr. Mario quickly scampered back to the corner with Toon Link.

"Is there any way to get out of this room without going through that hall?"

"THE FRIGATE USES A CENTRAL AIR CONDITIONING SYSTEM. YOU CAN ACCESS MOST OTHER ROOMS THROUGH THE VENTILATION SHAFTS."

Dr. Mario looked around and found a large metal grate on the wall to his back. Using his head mirror to pry off the grate, he pulled Toon Link into the vents and left the lab.

The vents were surprisingly easy to traverse; the doctor could've easily stood straight up if he weren't lugging his friend. He tried his best to move through the vents silently, but every step he took echoed through the rusty shafts. A Space Pirate could've heard any single one. The thought of those demons coming for him made him hustle faster through the vents, and his steps echoed louder. The louder they echoed, the faster he moved. The faster he moved, the louder they echoed. He could see sweat begin to drip off of his forehead underneath the sickly orange lights of the shafts. Just then, he felt his back hit something sharp; turning his head, he saw it was another grate! The doctor scrambled to kick it down, and then rolled his friend and himself out.

A deep breath. The doctor felt a hefty weight being lifted from his chest. It was weird, he wasn't even any safer. He had no idea where he was, and no reason to believe Space Pirates wouldn't show up at any time. But just the freedom of this new, spacious enclosure was enough to let Dr. Mario's body go loose, breathing easy as he watched the ceiling fly away.

It was then that the doctor noticed the ceiling flying away. Shooting up to his feet, he realized that it was rather the floor that was sinking. It stopped at a wide platform, circling a glowing core. It was covered in orange crystals, and sparked with a haunting alien energy. A spinning shield of light divided the platform from the core.

"What is that?" Dr. Mario asked, pulling the tablet out of his pocket.

"THAT IS THE REACTOR CORE. WE'RE CURRENTLY IN THE TOKAMAK THAT POWERS THE ORPHEON THROUGH MAGNETIC CONFINEMENT FUSION."

"Does anyone usually-a come here?"

"THE ONLY SCHEDULED ATTENDANCE IN THIS ROOM IS A ROUTINE MAINTENANCE EVALUATION PERFORMED EVERY TWELVE HOURS. THE LAST EVALUATION WAS PERFORMED NINE HOURS AND TWENTY-SEVEN MINUTES AGO. UNSCHEDULED EVALUATIONS ARE ONLY PERFORMED IN THE CASE OF A CRITICAL MALFUNCTION."

"Okay, so we should be able to-a rest here until Toon Link wakes up." Dr. Mario sat himself down next to Toon. "Let's see. If the last evaluation was-a nine hours and twenty-seven minutes ago, and there's a twelve hour gap-a between them, how-a long do we have until the next evaluation?"

"ABOUT THREE MINUTES."

Dr. Mario jumped back on his feet. "Three minutes!? Shouldn't it be about two and a half hours!?"

"THERE ARE ABOUT TWO AND A HALF HOURS UNTIL THE NEXT SCHEDULED EVALUATION. THERE ARE THREE MINUTES UNTIL THE IMMINENT CRITICAL MALFUNCTION, UPON WHICH THERE SHALL BE AN UNSCHEDULED EVALUATION."

"What's-a the critical malfunction!?"

"A LIVING ORGANISM HAS BEEN DETECTED IN THE INNER POLOIDAL FIELD COILS. THERE IS AN OPENING FROM THAT REGION OF THE REACTOR WHICH LEADS INTO THIS ROOM, LOCATED DIRECTLY ABOVE US."

The doctor looked up and saw a ringed hole in the roof above the core.

Monita continued, "SHOULD THAT ORGANISM REACH THIS ROOM, IT COULD DAMAGE THE CORE AND CAUSE A CRITICAL MALFUNCTION. DEPENDING ON THE DAMAGE DONE TO THE CORE, THE MALFUNCTION COULD RANGE FROM A BLACKOUT ON THE FRIGATE TO THE COMPLETE DESTRUCTION OF THE ORPHEON."

"B-but it's only one-a creature! How much damage could it do?"

It was then that Dr. Mario heard the scratching. The scritch scratching of claws on steel. They were fast, too fast for the doctor. The walls of the reactor cried against the crashing of this unknown entity, and just as soon as he'd heard of it, the beast swung down into the room.

Everything else on the frigate was clearly not from Dr. Mario's world. But this thing, Dr. Mario couldn't see it being from _any_ world. The monster was larger than a school bus, and engorged like a tumor. How could something so bloated weave through the reactor like thread through a needle? It had skewers for arms, and used them to hang from the roof. Most frighteningly, the bruting nightmare had no eyes; only a torn open maw that dripped a boiling ooze. It didn't seem like it could speak, but the predatory swaying of the creature wasn't a good sign.

"What...what is that thing?"

"ANALYZING...MORPHOLOGY: PARASITE QUEEN. PARASITE FEMALE, GENETICALLY ENHANCED THROUGH USE OF PHAZON-"

The Parasite Queen interrupted Monita with a blood curdling roar. The entire room shook.

"Forget that-a question! How do we get out of here!?"

"OPERATE THE ELEVATOR PLATFORM WITH THE KEYPAD TO RETURN TO THE UPPER LEVEL. FROM THERE YOU CAN ACCESS THE CARGO FREIGHT LIFT-"

Monita was interrupted yet again, this time by a blast of energy bursting out of the Queen's maw. Its light seared the doctor's vision, and left a noxious odor of seared machinery hanging in the air. When the doctor's sight returned to him, he saw that the platform he'd sank in on had been torn in half. The half that still remained was now partially melted to the floor. If the doctor and his friend were going anywhere, it wouldn't be on that elevator.

Dr. Mario found himself stuck in place, only pushed back into motion when he saw the mouth of the Queen glow again. Snatching Toon Link by the wrist, Dr. Mario dragged the Hylian away from the elevator, another burning shock wave nearly grazing them. Despite the miss, it didn't take long for the Queen to reorient herself and prepare another shot.

"C'mon, Toon, wake up!" Dr. Mario shoved Monita back into his lab coat to get his other hand on Toon Link. With his hand in his pocket, the doctor remembered all of the pharmaceuticals he'd brought with him. Pulling a capsule out, he noticed how hard its shell was. Hard enough to hurt. He turned to face the monster. The reactor's shield moved so that there was an opening between the two of them. The Queen swung its jaws open again, ready to attack. Gripping the capsule and holding his breath, the doctor was ready as well.

"Let's-a go!" He wound his arm back, before letting it snap like a rubber band. The capsule went flying, and crash! It shattered right on the forehead of the Queen!

The Parasite Queen seemed pretty unaffected as she fired another beam of radiation.

Blinded once again, Dr. Mario braced himself for the shot. He was flung against the wall with a hard thwack, and then fell to the floor with a thud. His back stung to put it lightly. But strangely, he didn't feel too burnt by the Queen. In fact, when his vision returned, he looked down and saw that his front was unscathed. But how? He looked back up and saw the reason why: Toon Link was holding a glistening blue shield in front of the both of them. Toon turned to face the doctor, struggling to hold his crusty eyelids open.

"Bro," Toon said, "I just woke up and there's this cockroach hitting us with a weaponized acid reflux. Am I on a drug? Did you drug me back for revenge? If you did, it's super funny, not gonna lie."

The Queen roared as that awful green light poured from its gullet once more.

"Monita!" Dr. Mario asked, "How can we-a kill this thing!?"

"Ooh I know the answer, we shoot it."

"THE PARASITE QUEEN'S THICK CARAPACE WILL PROTECT IT FROM MOST STANDARD ATTACKS. HOWEVER, ANALYSIS SHOWS ITS THROAT TO BE NOTICEABLY VULNERABLE TO PHYSICAL HARM."

"Aha, leave it to me. Throat's my middle name." Toon Throat Link took out a wooden bow and tried to draw back an arrow. Dr. Mario could tell that Toon hadn't fully regained his strength, however; it looked more like the Hylian was plucking a guitar. Standing to his feet, the doctor planted his feet firmly into the ground and steadied his breath. Without a word, he hurled another capsule at the Queen, straight into its open maw!

This time, the Queen curled in on herself, crying out in pain. One of her sickle arms lost its grip on the roof. As she swung around in the air, she looked at the two and opened her mouth to fire another blast of energy. Before she got the chance, though, her other arm succumbed to the weight of her swollen body. She plummeted into the reactor core, and they both exploded with a burst of electricity and goo and God knows what else. The doctor collapsed to his knees underneath the pressure, gasping for air.

"Woohoo, we did it!" Toon Link exclaimed.

"REACTOR CORE CRITICAL! EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY!"

"We still did it!"

The room briefly went dark, only to be illuminated by the red sirens of the Orpheon. The shrill horns of danger were accompanied by the rapidly growing pounding wave of footsteps. The two couldn't tell where the footsteps were headed, but wherever it was, they were headed there fast.

"Toon Link!" Dr. Mario said, "Use that-a hook shot thing to bring us back to that vent up above!"

"Huh. Hookshot. I like that." Toon Link took out his chain tool from the trash chute - the "Hookshot" - and shot it at the vent. The hook latched onto the shaft, and the chain reeled the two up inside. As they booked it down the shafts, Toon felt his balance suddenly shift, as though an invisible rug was pulled out from under him. He tumbled around for a second before falling flat on his face.

"Hurry up, Toon! This ship could-a blow at any-" As Dr. Mario stopped to talk to his Hylian friend, he too found himself disoriented. "What...What's going on?"

Toon Link tried crawling up to the doctor. As he crawled, he accidentally knocked off one of his little booties.

"Toon! Your shoe-"

"I know, just forget about it."

"No! Look at it!"

Toon Link looked back and saw that his shoe was slowly sliding backwards, without any push. Toon began to panic as he snatched his shoe.

"What the hell?"

"Wait a minute. Monita! Can you list the-a critical malfunctions we're experiencing right-a now?"

"CRITICAL MALFUNCTIONS INCLUDE: MASSIVE LOSS OF POWER ACROSS THE ALPHA DECK, GRAVITATIONAL SHIELD FAILURE, DOCKING BAY FAILURE, ARTIFICIAL GRAVITY MISALIGNMENT-"

"That-a one! What does artificial gravity misalignment mean?"

"THE ORPHEON USES CENTRIPETAL FORCE TO SIMULATE GRAVITY IN ZERO GRAVITY SITUATIONS. HOWEVER, THE DEVICE THAT DOES THIS WAS DAMAGED BY THE EXPLOSION FROM THE REACTOR, AND NOW THE DIRECTION THAT THIS SIMULATED GRAVITY PULLS MATTER TOWARDS IS VEERING AWAY FROM WHAT YOU WOULD PERCEIVE AS DOWN."

"That's it! Toon, gravity's-a shifting! We're gonna fall down this shaft if we don't make it to the biotech area in time! Hurry up and crawl!"

The two scurried down the vents, each push across the wall less effective than the last. They looked up. The biotech area! They were basically climbing at this point, but they could see the exit just a few feet ahead! But the moment the Hylian saw the exit was also the moment he realized his tiny hands weren't pushing him up anymore. As Dr. Mario swung up and gripped the ledge, Toon Link was forced to catch the doctor's pant leg.

"C'mon, doc," Toon cried, "pull us up!"

"I'm...trying. Ack...but my body's still-a sore from hitting the wall." The doctor flexed every muscle in his arm to pull the two up, but he couldn't bare the burning feeling deep in his muscles for much longer.

"Grab this then!" Toon Link threw his hookshot up towards the doctor. Dr. Mario reached for it, but the back of his hand brushed the tool out of reach! Toon watched the whole thing. His resolve unshaken, he swung back on the doctor's leg. When the hookshot reached his level, Toon kicked the hook back up at the doc! This time, he caught it and fired into the lab. Using the hookshot, the doctor pulled himself and Toon into the biotech area.

"Whoo!" Toon Link sighed, "That was intense!"

"Ha ha. Yeah, I suppose it-" The doctor's facade of humor quickly faded when he looked around the lab. One of the tankers had its glass shattered. Its white liquid had spilled onto the floor, leaving nothing inside. As Dr. Mario backed away from the tanker, he felt something seep through his gloves on the edge of the vent. Looking down, he saw the same milky liquid slathered on the entrance to the vent shafts. It also coated the tip of the hookshot.

"Oh no. Monita. What was in that-a tanker?"

"AS PREVIOUSLY STATED, THAT INFORMATION IS CURRENTLY CLASSIFIED. IT WILL REQUIRE CLASS 2 AUTHORITY OR HIGHER TO CLEAR."

Dr. Mario and Toon Link both went white like chalk. The two turned to each other, both staring into nothingness.

"Doc. Isn't that-"

"The tanker that you tapped? Before you-a went unconscious?"

"And it's loose in the Orpheon."

Lost in silence for a while, the doctor rose to his feet.

"You know what? Whatever." Dr. Mario handed Toon back his hookshot. "We were already in-a danger before. This is just another cook in the kitchen. Let's-a get a move on."

Toon Link smiled at this new determination. "Good thinking, doc. Now would you give me a hand?"

The doctor helped Toon Link back up to his feet, and the two continued their way out of the lab.

Now turned on its side, Dr. Mario and Toon Link had to traverse the hall while running on its glass window. Space Pirates bolted down the hall. They seemed apathetic to the presence of Dr. Mario and Toon Link, flailing underneath the weight of the sirens. A mechanical voice blared out over the hall's speakers.

"ATTENTION ALL CREW! ATTENTION ALL CREW! RED ALERT! REPORT TO THE NEAREST EMERGENCY EVACUATION AREA IMMEDIATELY!"

"Huh, that sounds like a good idea," Toon Link said.

"Yep, let's-a go!" As Dr. Mario discussed with his friend, he gave a passing glance around the crowd running by him. It was this glance that caught the eyes of a familiar menace, running the opposite direction. As brief as it was, the bloodthirsty glare froze the doctor to the core. With the crowd between them, the doctor still couldn't make out his face. However, with the spiky leather trailing behind him, the doctor knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the red eyed horror racing past him was the Class 2 mercenary from before. The doctor stopped cold in his tracks. He turned to find the mercenary, but he had vanished just as quickly as he appeared.

"C'mon, doc, let's go!" Toon's beckoning pulled the doctor from his frightened stupor, though only enough to keep moving.

* * *

Amidst the panic of the Orpheon, the mercenary calmly hopped into the biotech research area. Skulking over to the broken tanker, he ran a clawed finger through the viscous fluid on the floor.

"So, the gangster's experiment broke out?" he growled, "Lovely."

Further scrutinizing the room, the mercenary noticed the open vents. It even had that fluid on it. Without hesitation, he leapt inside the shaft. The mercenary dug his claws into the walls of the shaft, slowing his descent. Eventually, he landed in the reactor core; at least, what was left of it. The burning corpse of the Parasite Queen had filled the room with a noxious stench. Unfazed, the mercenary noticed something hanging from the charred corpse of the Queen. He crawled down to the core and reached his dagger like fingers into the maw of the beast. After some squishy foraging, the mercenary pulled out the remnants of Dr. Mario's capsule. He brought his bloodied fingers to an intercom in his ear.

"Ridley, do you read me? Someone else can deal with Samus. It's come to my attention that we have a couple of saboteurs on the Orpheon. And if there's anyone who can neutralize them, it's Wolf O'Donnell."


	7. A1C7 - The Pleaser of Crowds

Mario, Bowser, and Peach ambled through the woods, Meta Knight still resting in Peach's arms. Mario dug through his overall pockets, now stuffed with power-ups.

"Let's see, did we bring everything?" Mario asked the group, "We've-a got a-fire flowers, a-freezies, a-bob-ombs, a-...grass?"

"Hmm…" Bowser scratched his chin in contemplation. "Ooh! I know! We-"

"Bowser, we're-a not bringing the cat suits."

"Aw man…"

"Princess," Meta Knight said, looking up at Peach, "what exactly is this 'warp pipe'?"

"It's the most common form of transportation in the Mushroom Kingdom!" Peach answered. "They can travel great distances. Warp pipes like this one can even travel across dimensions!"

Meta Knight's gelatinous flesh went cold. "We're going to another dimension?"

"Mhm, to where I was born," Mario added, "I'm from a place called-a Brooklyn. It's-a like the Mushroom Kingdom, except instead of coins and Toads, its got gang violence and the elderly getting decapitated by 18-wheelers. Oh, hey look! We're here!"

The gang stopped in front of a quaint little yellow house. "Mario Bros." was engraved on a plaque hanging above the door. Luigi was sat on the house's porch, investigating a scratch card with a quarter.

"Hey, Mario," Luigi said, turning to greet his brother, "did everything go okay at the-wah! B-B-Bowser! What's he doing here!?"

"Huh?" Mario realized who he'd brought home. "Oh, no, we're chill right now, don't worry."

"Oh, ok, cool."

"C'mon, the pipe's around back." Mario led his friends and Bowser to the back of the house. Luigi put down his scratch card and followed the gang.

"You guys are-a headed back home?" Luigi asked his brother.

"Yeah, there's-a this prophecy and some villains want this world-ending superweapon, you know how it is."

"World-ending!? That-a sounds dangerous! Should I-a come with you bro?"

"No, no, don't worry, Luigi, I'll-a take care of this. You take the day off after that-a beating you took from Yoshi."

"Hey, you lost too!"

The brothers laughed as they all entered the backyard. Yoshi was sleeping peacefully in a big pen, and a green metal pipe was sticking out of the ground. It was more than large enough to fit a man, and maybe large enough to fit a Bowser.

"So how does it work?" Meta Knight asked.

"It's-a very simple to use," Mario said, "Just hop in and the pipe'll do the rest!" To demonstrate, Mario leapt into the air and jumped into the pipe. He made it about three feet into the pipe before the ground brought him to a sharp stop, shattering his ankles.

"Do we have to jump in that hard? It looked quite painful."

"Yeah, it was." Mario winced as he crawled out of the pipe. "The pipes don't normally do that-a sort of thing."

It was then that a shrill voice warbled through the air.

"Is anything about this normal, Mario?"

The very fabric of reality wriggled and writhed like gelatin, before a figure flashed into existence. Hanging over the brothers, the imp was adorned with a puffy, tattered cape; colored bright grape purple and piss yellow, it even came with a matching hat. His face was frozen like a mask, the only motion coming from his contorted grin. Meta Knight leapt out from Peach's arms, and aimed his sword at the mystic figure.

"Dimentio!" Meta Knight called to the being.

"Meta Knight, the poised parrying pipsqueak," Dimentio replied.

"You two know each other?" Mario asked.

"Somewhat. I've heard of Meta Knight. Then again, I've heard of all of you! Mario, the Princess, Bowser…" Dimentio paused as he stared at Luigi. "Um...huh…"

Luigi groaned, "C'mon, who do you see with-a Mario more than anyone else?"

"...Sonic the Hedgehog?"

"Mario! Hedgehog! Back away from that harlequin!" Meta Knight cried, "He's a member of the Villainoct!"

"Ah, so you've heard of me too, Meta Knight." Dimentio's face jittered with snickering. "I am Lord Ganondorf's master of dimensions, the pleaser of crowds, Dimentio! Remember the name well, for you'll find my magic gracing every warp pipe in the Mushroom Kingdom! As long as it's active, not a single warp pipe will take you out of this dimension!"

"And you came all the way here just to tell us that?" Meta Knight asked.

"Of course! As a knight, you must know a thing or two about chivalry. From now on, we're all going to be playing a very long game; it would be rude for me not to introduce myself first. Ah ha ha, and now we begin! Ciao!" The same way he'd appeared, Dimentio blinked out of the air.

"How are we-a supposed to get to Brooklyn now?" Mario said as he rubbed his ankles.

"Do we really need to?" Peach turned to Meta Knight. "If we combine my army with Bowser's, can we not storm Ganondorf's castle without the Halberd?"

"The Villainoct is four armies strong if not more," Meta Knight replied, "Even with the Halberd to get us across enemy lines, we barely stand a glimmer of a chance. You saw for yourself how they decimated my ship. If we try to approach the castle unprotected, we'll be torn to shreds."

"Well that-a does it." Mario brought his hand to his chin. "So how are-a we supposed to get to Brooklyn? Even if we find another way, that Dimentio will probably-a block it off too."

Now at a standstill, the gang stood around in silent contemplation. Both Meta Knight and Mario were right, but to satisfy both claims seemed impossible. Just then, Bowser snapped his fingers in enlightenment.

"Hey, blue dude!" Bowser said, "Do you have any way to contact these villain guys?"

Meta Knight blinked at the beast's question. "Well...I was able to tap into their communication lines before being attacked, and I'm sure I could do it again. I only did so to overhear what they were saying, but I could probably manage to send a message their way."

"Great! Everyone, follow me to my castle. I have a plan!"

"Wait, what's the plan?" Peach asked.

"I'll explain when we get there."

"Why do we have to wait until then?"

"Dramatic flair!" Bowser ran back down the path the group had taken.

"Mario, this sounds-a really serious! Are you sure you-a don't want me to come?" Luigi asked his brother.

"I'm-a positive." Mario patted his brother on the back. "Besides, Dimentio might return to the house. You should keep an eye out for him."

"Yes, Hedgehog, stay wary of Dimentio!" Meta Knight warned.

"I'm-a not Sonic the Hedgehog!" And so, Sonic the Hedgehog watched as his brother and his unlikely allies made way for Bowser's castle.

Bowser had led the group to a quaint train station at the edge of Toad Town. It had a cheerful earthy color palette, and carried the scent of tulips. The atmosphere had soaked into the gang, allowing them to mellow out on a bench as they awaited their ride.

"You made a pretty good recovery, Meta Knight," Mario commented, twiddling his gloved thumbs.

"I don't feel as though I've recovered much at all," Meta Knight replied.

"But you're-a able to walk now."

"I've been able to walk since I awoke in the castle." Meta Knight's answer provoked a head turn from all of his acquaintances.

"What? Then-a why did you ask us to-a carry you?"

"I never asked you to carry me, I said 'bring me to the Halberd'. I woke up in the throne room, and didn't know where the Halberd was."

"Well-a why didn't you say anything?"

"Because being carried felt very comfy."

The Princess broke into a fit of laughter. Mario and Bowser didn't find it as funny. Just then, the group was pulled out of their shenanigans by a cloud of smoke rolling through the station. Its rancid stench choked everyone in its path.

"Oh hey, it's-ack!" Bowser sputtered, "It's our ride!"

A chunky green train rolled into the station through the wall of smog, as if straight from Hell. Its smokebox was decorated to look like Bowser's face, complete with horns and a glowing, jagged grin.

"The Bad Breath Express! My own private train!" Bowser slapped the door of the train with pride. His glowing confidence didn't falter as the door proceeded to fall off.

"Since when did you have your own train running directly into the Mushroom Kingdom?" Peach asked.

"So many questions, so little time, get in the train." Bowser led the gang to their seats as the train took off to Bowser's castle. The interior of the train featured fading yellow wallpaper and black leather chairs; it looked less like an evil tyrant's train and more like a Goodwill from Hell.

"Meta Knight," Peach asked, "we should probably know a bit more about this 'Villainoct' if we're going to be running into them from now on. Who exactly are they?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out myself." Meta Knight wrapped himself in his cape as he told his story. "To be honest, I don't know everything about the Villainoct. I don't even know all of its members. But I do know some things. I know there are about ten members of the Villainoct. Most members are the leaders of their own army; it's usually the reason they're recruited. It's the idea of strength in numbers. At least one member is from another universe. And I know five of their names.

"I've told you already of Ganondorf. Darkness incarnate. He was the one to discover the prophecy, and to organize the Villainoct. You've also met Dimentio, his flying monkey. I'm under the impression that he and Ganondorf met before the Villainoct was formed. It's likely his good favor with Ganondorf that kept the little punk in the organization.

"Ridley's the one who shot the Halberd out of the sky. He's a ferocious killer, and the leader of a gang of intergalactic pirates. Last I saw him, he was hanging around in a frigate called the Orpheon. Their ranks also include Wolf O'Donnell, a mercenary from outer space. He doesn't have an army of his own, but he apparently makes up for it with his tactical skills. The last member I know of is the Goddess of Darkness Medusa. She rules over a legion of monsters known as the Underworld Army."

"So wait," Bowser said, "If Medusa is the Goddess of Darkness, and Ganondorf _is _darkness, shouldn't Medusa be in charge of Ganondorf, and by extension, the Villainoct?"

"I'm glad you asked, Bowser, because there's actually an intricate and detailed answer to your question."

And then Meta Knight went on about a bunch of moral philosophy meta-ethics shit, referencing the works of authors like Epicurus and Richard Brandt. Mario and the Princess got very invested in the discussion and all three of them began bouncing around various theories on moral goodness, but Bowser really wasn't feeling up to that nerd shit. He also didn't want to look stupid, though, so he proceeded to nod and say yes for the next two hours until the train made it to Bowser's castle.

Eventually, the train made it to a fiery molten hellscape. Mostly barren, the horizon was dominated by a black armored castle. Like the train, it was decorated with Bowser's visage.

"Behold, the best castle ever made!" Bowser said, "Take a look from a distance! Powerful and awe-inspiring design choices slap your face! Its like looking at me!"

The train stopped in front of the castle, and Bowser raced inside. Mario awkwardly shuffled along. Meta Knight was about to get up when Peach scooped him up and carried him out. He was surprised initially, but settled in easily. Once they were inside, Bowser led the group down his castle's torch lit halls.

"Ok, Bowser, we're at the castle," Mario said as they trotted down the red velvet floor, "Can you explain your-a plan to get to Brooklyn now?"

"I'm going to join the Villainoct! Any questions?"

"Several. How is that supposed to-a help anything?"

"Simple; the Villainoct definitely have some way to travel across dimensions. Therefore, if we join them, we can use their tech to get to Brooklyn!" Bowser threw open two granite doors into his room. He ran in and began to dig through a box in the corner of the room."

"But Dimentio knew who you were, so they clearly-a know you're part of our group. How are you supposed to get-a let in?"

"That's the genius of it, pipehead; it won't be me getting into the Villainoct. It'll be me in disguise. I'll sneak into their ranks with a costume they'll never see coming-...hey, I can't see the costume! Where is it?" Bowser tore through his box for a while with no results. "Damnit, it's not here. I wonder if I threw it in Junior's playchest. Everyone, come with me."

Bowser led the gang to a door across the hall. He gave it a light knock. No response. A few more knocks, and still silence.

"He must be busy with his game, You know how kids are, they like to have fun," Bowser explained. He then opened the door, leading to what could only be described as a landfill of toys and junk. Sat in the center of it all was what appeared to be a smaller version of Bowser - almost half of Mario's height - playing a Nintendo Switch.

"FUCK YOU, WHORE! MY DAD OWNS NINTENDO, HE'LL GET YOU KICKED OFF OF FORTNITE FOR A MILLION YEARS!" The smaller Bowser ripped a pair of headphones off of his head and threw it at the ground.

"Bowser Jr!" Bowser said as he marched into the room, "What have I told you about how we talk to other people?"

"But Dad, he called me a faggot!"

Bowser swiped up the headphones and then roared into the mic.

"THE FUCK DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY KID!? I'LL GET YOU KICKED OFF OF FORTNITE FOR **TWO** MILLION YEARS!" Bowser threw the headphones back onto the ground and then punched a hole in the wall, much to Bowser Jr.'s delight. "Phew. Anyway, Junior, I think I left something in your toybox. Do you mind if I take a quick look for it?"

"Sure, Dad," Bowser Jr. said, turning back to his TV. With Junior's okay, Bowser began to dig through his son's toybox - a chest that had clearly failed its job. "Say, Dad, what are you looking for?

Bowser began to sweat as he turned to face his son. He pulled something out of the chest and stuffed it in his shell before it could be scrutinized.

"Uh...nothing you need to worry about. It's adult stuff."

"Then why is it in his room?" Meta Knight asked.

"I don't know, why are you in my house, criticizing my life and how I do my laundry?" Bowser began to shunt his group out of his son's room.

"Wait, Dad, who was that-" As Bowser Jr. turned to look at Meta Knight, he noticed the Princess standing in the doorway. With a grin on his face, he jumped up from the toy hoard and tackled Peach with a hug.

"Mama, Mama, you're here!" Not letting go, Bowser Jr. looked up to his father with pride. "Dad! Did you finally beat that nasty man Mario!"

"Uh...not exactly, Junior." Twiddling his fingers, Bowser shuffled a step to the left to reveal Mario in the hallway.

"Wow! You captured him too!"

"No, Junior. Mario and I are...sort of working together for now."

Bowser Jr's grin sunk like quicksand.

"You're what!?" Bowser Jr. let go of Peach and ran up to his father. "But why, Dad? He's...he's Mario!"

"I know, Junior, but we're dealing with something serious this time. Mario can't handle this on his own, and neither can I."

"Woah." Bowser Jr. shrunk underneath his father's words. He looked down at the ground and tapped his foot for a while, until looking back up at his father. "Alright, fine. We can work with Mario."

"Okay, good." Bowser turned back to his companions. "Now then, let's get going on our plan."

"Hey, wait for me!" Bowser Jr. called out, halting his father yet again.

"Oh...Junior, this is a pretty serious deal. You should probably stay here at the castle."

"What!? No fair! I wanna help! I can help!" Bowser Jr began to stomp his feet on the ground, plugging out his father's reasoning.

"Bowser Jr," Peach said. The koopa toddler paused his tantrum. "We know you can help. But we'll be fine as it is. We promise we'll come back and let you know everything that happened. But for now, we have to go."

"Eugh, fine," Bowser Jr. growled. He tromped back over to his toy pile as the gang slipped out of his room.

"I know that I stressed how we need more than an army," Meta Knight said, "but I can't help but notice all of the help we've been turning down."

"Hey, don't drag me into this." Peach gestured down at her gown. "I already let Toad come along."

"**HELLO!"** Toad called out from the depths of the queenly cooter.

"You mean-a Luigi?" Mario rubbed the back of his head. "Luigi's-a strong, but he's a gentle man. There's-a no need for us to drag him into this if we don't need to, and we'll-a be fine."

"Yeah, and my kid's five! I don't want him involved in this. This is serious shit." Bowser then pulled his disguise out of his shell. "Anyway, someone help me get my fursuit on."

"Oh Jesus-a Christ, Bowser, not this again!"

"The catsuit, Bowser?" Peach asked, stunned, "That's your plan?"

"Precisely!" Bowser unfolded his crusty orange fursuit and began to enter its waiting void. "I'll infiltrate the Villainoct under the guise of my fursona Meowser! Now everyone, come to my throne room! I have a projector; Meta Knight, you rig it to call those Villainoct guys!"

And so they did just that. As "Meowser" sat on his obsidian throne, Meta Knight tinkered around on the projector next to the king. Mario and Peach waited on the side of the room, painfully looking on at what was about to go down. The projector began to flicker to life. Light shot out onto the wall opposing "Meowser", and an image began to form.

"This is it, everyone!" "Meowser" gestured for Meta Knight to take cover behind the throne. "Alright, Bowser, you can do this. You majored in dark magic, but that minor in theatre wasn't for nothing!"

Soon, the image was complete, and "Meowser" saw the figure of a towering woman. Her skin deathly pale, she was covered in billowing purple robes. Snakes erupted from her scalp, and a black insignia decorated her chilling stare. She stood in the center of a spacious stone room, lit by candlelight. She was turned away from "Meowser" as she talked into the distance.

"Pipe it, Dimentio, we're getting a call. It's from..." The serpent woman turned to face "Meowser." "...Bowser? How did you get on our line?"

"B-Bowser? Who's that? I've literally never heard of the name Bowser before." Bowser turned to Mario and the Princess and gave them a big thumbs up. Mario and Peach could barely look at the koopa without wincing.

"...Is this a joke?"

"Not at all! I'm Meowser! King of the Kitty Kingdom! And I'd like to offer you my services!"

"You wish to join the Villainoct?"

"Indeed! I've heard of the power you're after, and I wish to have some of that power to allow my Kitty Kingdom to prosper!"

"What exactly can the...Kitty Kingdom provide for the Villainoct?"

"Easy; every cat's got nine lives. Keep me on your team, and you'll effectively be nine times as strong."

"And you're sure Bowser won't have a problem with you assisting us? He's currently working with the Mushroom Kingdom to defeat us, you know."

"Like I said, I've never heard of this 'Bowser' of which you speak."

"Oh really? Because this transmission seems to be coming directly from Bowser's castle. You know, in the center of Bowser's Koopa Kingdom."

Bowser broke into a sweat, which was thankfully absorbed by the matted patches of fur he wore. "What? Bowser owns this castle? That's so weird, I've never seen him here. He must be busy all the time, going out to the gym and attracting women with his gargantuan muscles."

"And what exactly are you doing in his castle as opposed to your own castle. In your own kingdom."

Bowser gripped the arms of his chair, nearly ripping them clean off. His heart raced as he scrambled to come up with an answer. He could feel the corner he drove himself into stabbing him in his back. Should he just cut the transmission now?

But then Bowser got an idea.

An awful idea.

Bowser got a wonderful, awful idea.

Bowser looked over at his companions, flashing them a little "watch this" wink. He then turned back to the serpent lady, crossed his legs à la Basic Instinct, and gave her his response.

"I'm here as a tenant. I rent the basement."

Mario nearly fucking choked.

"You rent the basement?" the serpent lady echoed.

"I rent the basement. Economy in the Kitty Kingdom's been tough, so I had to sell the mortgage on my castle. That's why I need to join you, so I can bring my people out of this depression and return to my purr-fect palace with the glory our kingdom once held!"

A conflicted silence filled the room. The serpent lady slowly brought two fingers to an intercom in her ear.

"Give me a minute." The serpent lady spoke into her intercom. "Hello, Ganondorf? We're receiving a request from one 'Meowser' of the Kitty Kingdom for entry into the Villainoct...no, not Bowser, specifically 'Meowser'...no, it's not a joke, I asked...probably...right...alright, I'll let him know."

As the serpent lady hung up on her intercom, Mario, Peach, and Meta Knight all hung their heads at the disaster they were currently stuck in. They braced themselves as the serpent lady gave her answer to Bowser's request.

"You're in."

Mario really almost fucking choked this time.

"You mean it!?" Bowser asked.

"We mean it. Ganondorf said to meet us at the Arbiter's Grounds - an ancient prison in the western deserts of Hyrule. There, we'll discuss the details of your induction. Surely, a king of your capability won't have any difficulty making the journey. Make it hasty, Meowser."

On that note, the serpent lady ended the transmission.

"We did it!" Bowser cheered as he peeled off his fursuit.

"There isn't a single part of your plan that should have worked," Meta Knight said as Peach picked him back up.

"Well it hasn't worked entirely yet. That was only step one. Now it's time for step two. Everyone, we're headed to Hyrule!"


	8. A1C8 - Gourmet Race

Let's take our story now to a simpler land, far far away. The world of miracles, Planet Popstar. The star shaped crust was filled with whimsy, and whirly double rainbows twisted its atmosphere. At the heart of Popstar's surface was a peaceful little country called Dream Land. Its air was clean and its water was fresh. And atop a discreet hill in Dream Land lived a happy go lucky creature named Kirby. Kirby's squishy pink body was no more than 8 inches tall, and the eggshell dome he called home wasn't much bigger. Kirby was sleeping on his comfy bed one quiet night when he was awoken by a loud pounding on his door.

"Kirby-I say Kirby, open this door!"

Who could that be at this hour? Stretching out his little nubs, Kirby rolled off the bed and plopped onto the floor. Opening the door, he saw a blue bird-like thing standing in the doorway. He was at least three times the size of the pink puffball, and dressed in velvet finery. He looked like his head might have exploded from beneath his own beanie. Kirby smiled and waved at his visitor, in spite of the latter's fuming scowl.

"Oh don't give me that, you sneaky little punk! No one pulls a fast one over King Dedede!"

Kirby cocked his head at the king in confusion.

"You know what I'm talking about, boy! You _stole_ my cake! The Popstar Artery Popper!"

While still confused, Kirby's eyes widened at the thought of cake.

"Son, don't tell me-I say don't tell me you scarfed down my cake so quickly that you can't even remember it! It was a 6 layer cake, alternating between layers of peanut butter pecan brownie and blueberry cheesecake made with three different creams! Each layer was separated with chocolate ganache, and the whole affair was lined on the side with caramel glazed graham cracker toffee! Then there were strawberry slices thrown on top all decorative like, and a bunch of chocolate curls sprinkled all over. And right smack dab on the summit is an ice cream macaron made to look like my face!"

Kirby drooled at the picture the king had painted. His mind was lost in this sugary speculation - so much so that he didn't even notice the king walking right into his house.

"Step aside, Kirby; I'm gonna find that cake!"

Once Kirby realized that Dedede had let himself in, he sat himself on his bed and waited for his friend to finish his search. Dedede began sifting through Kirby's drawers and throwing around whatever was inside, which mostly consisted of his own merchandise. One item Dedede flung - a handheld telescope colored a Kirby shade of pink - landed on the foot of Kirby's bed. Kirby, figuring the king would take a while, picked up the scope and turned to his bedside window. The sight of stars and galaxies brought a smile to Kirby's face; he felt warm thinking of all the friendly people that might be living somewhere out there.

It looked as though one of those people was living closer than Kirby expected. Moving his scope down, Kirby noticed an orange little spaceship floating over the horizon. Kirby thought it looked somewhat like a stingray, with three jets of fire shooting out of the bottom. He couldn't quite make out who was inside the ship, but it looked as though it was headed towards a nearby mountainside.

"Poyo poyo!" Kirby called out, trying to bring his friend's attention to the ship.

"Don't try to distract me, Kirby, I don't care about no satellite!" King Dedede refused to give up his search. By the time he turned to face Kirby, the ship had moved out of sight. "Huh. I guess you really don't have it after all."

Kirby shook his head, which also happened to be his entire body.

"But if you don't have it, where did it go? I reckon-I say I reckon I've already torn up my whole castle trying to find it."

"Poyo!"

"What's that? You'll help me look for it? Well, I guess one more look can't kill anyone."

And so Kirby and Dedede hopped into Dedede's car, a rickety old white limousine. Dedede drove the puffball to his hillside castle, where Kirby waved to every single one of Dedede's soldiers - from the squishiest Waddle Dee to the most rugged Buggzy, they all waved back. Dedede led Kirby over to his kitchen; a kitchen certainly fit for a king. There were - among other things - several cabinets stuffed with spices, two ovens, a skillet, an ice cream machine, a few pressure cookers, titanium cookware, diamond cutlery, and things that Kirby didn't even know what they did. The King probably wasn't much more familiar with any of them than Kirby was.

"Take a good look, son," Dedede said, "because I looked around here for at least an hour. It should be sitting all cozy in the fridge, bu there's not even a chocolate curl to be found."

Before the king could finish his spiel, however, Kirby's attention was pulled away from the enticing kitchen set. He couldn't help but notice a faint glow emanating from underneath the king's massive refrigerator.

"Poyo poyo!"

"Behind the fridge?" Dedede burst into laughter, nearly falling onto his back. "Kirby, you silly little dummy, why would I check _behind_ the fridge if the door's on the _front_? I say, Kirby, you may be the strongest there is, but you're sure not the brightest."

"Poyo." Kirby didn't budge, tapping the fridge with his nub. Dedede sighed and pulled the fridge forward.

"Fine, Kirby, if it'll satisfy your morbid curiosity, I'll check behind the-sweet lord in heaven, what the hell is that!?"

The light from beneath the fridge turned out to be moonlight, seeping through what the two could now see to be a hole torn into the wall of the castle. They stepped through the hole to investigate, but found only three holes burnt into the grass. While King Dedede could only stare in disbelief, Kirby felt gears turning in the back of his mind. Three marks of fire seemed oddly familiar.

"...Poyo! Poyo poyo!" Kirby remembered! The spaceship he saw earlier! It must've been what left these burns in the ground!

"What? A spaceship!? Son, when did you see a spaceship!?"

"Poyo poyo."

"Back at your house!? Well why didn't you say something earlier!? We gotta go catch 'em!" King Dedede picked up Kirby and ran him back to the car. They sped after the ship, Kirby directing the king to the spaceship's mountainous destination.

Kirby and the king pulled up to the base of the mountain. It was peaceful at this time, with crisp air flowing gently past the two adventurers. The sky was empty, and anything alive on the mountain's colorfully striped side was long asleep.

"Looks as though we're off like a herd of turtles trying to find that extraterrestrial purloin." King Dedede rubbed his fuzzy forehead as he seized up the scenery. "Still, this is the only lead we got. Let's make like a Goodwill and get to hunting!"

So the two stepped out of the car and marched around the mountain for a while. They carried on mostly in silence. The snoring of the Twizzies and Tookies and Lovelies and Noddies living on the mountain was the loudest noise this late at night. The only thing they saw move was a nondescript Broom Hatter sweeping up the rocky landscape. The chill in the air made it clear that winter was well on its way. Snowfall would soon cover all of the Hatter's hard work, rendering it pointless just like every year beforehand. But he carried on. The Broom Hatter simply tipped his large witchy hat to Kirby and Dedede as they passed him by, and he kept on sweeping.

Kirby and Dedede stumbled upon a cave. Its entrance was dark and wide, practically begging to be spelunked. The two entered the cave, figuring that a thief on the run wouldn't be waiting out in the open. Cast into the cave's shadows, Dedede reached into his beanie and pulled out a glowstick. He cracked it, revealing the innards of the cave to them. The floor was a beautiful blue, and the walls were a rich brown like chocolate. As Kirby and Dedede trekked down the bumpy passages of the cave, the air around them seemed to get colder; the both of them could now see their own breath freezing in the air.

"H-hey, Kirby," Dedede said through chattering teeth, "when it's w-winter, ain't it s-s-supposed to get w-warmer underground?"

Kirby was thinking about what his friend said when a faint ringing interrupted his train of thought. It reminded him of a cat toy. It sounded like it was coming from farther away, deeper into the cave. Kirby pursued it, with the king following close behind. The further they got into the cave, the more they noticed patches of frost along its walls. Something about it didn't look natural, like it had been thrown on the wall deliberately.

Eventually, the two found the source of the ringing. A family of snowmen was huddled up together, shivering violently. The sound came from bells they all wore on their necks, ringing as their chubby snow bodies shook.

"Oh, I see! It's j-just a bunch of Chillies!" Dedede chuckled at their quaint little discovery. "Hmm...wait just a minute now. Are you-I-I say are you folk shivering?"

"A-Absolutely!" replied the patriarch of the Chilly family, "It's freezing in here!"

"Y-yeah, but...you're snowmen. Aren't you always c-cold?"

"Not t-this cold!" a snowlady answered as she clung to the other's side.

"So when'd it g-get this cold?"

"About when-achoo!" A little snowchild in the center of the snowhuddle sneezed as he tried to explain. "About when that g-giant ran into the c-cave."

Kirby and Dedede shot each other a look before continuing their investigation.

"A giant? Was it a giant alien?"

"Not that we k-know," answered an older snowchild, "Though now that you m-mention it, I think I heard some p-people outside talking about an o-orange spaceship."

"Ah hah!" Dedede jumped in the air, much to the confusion of the Chillies. "W-we were right! That alien is in here!"

"You're looking f-for that giant?" The Chilly patriarch slid up to the king. "M-maybe I could h-help you find it. If we g-get it out of here, maybe it'll go back to n-normal in here."

"Could you? That'd be great!"

"Sure thing!" The Chilly tipped the bucket on his head to his new allies. "You can call me Frosty."

After Frosty bid his wife Crystal and their kids a temporary goodbye, he led Kirby and Dedede down the caverns he saw the alien head down. As they continued down the cave, the patches of frost became entire stalagmites of ice. Maybe he was just getting hopeful, but Dedede swore he could smell the weakest trace of the peanut butter in his precious confectionery.

"We're almost there! I can s-smell it!" Dedede's eyes were closed as he relished in the nostalgic scent in the air.

"Dedede, was it?" Frosty said as he glid along the cave floor, "Open your eyes and put away the g-glowstick. I think we're getting close to an e-exit."

Dedede did just that. When he covered up his glowstick, the group realized that they could see even without its light. With a wider range of vision, they noticed that the cave had gotten wider as well. They found themselves in a gaping crater within the cave, coated with more ice than they'd seen so far. In the farthest wall of the canyon was a massive tunnel leading out of the mountain. Frosty noticed a faint green glow shimmering in the corner of his eye that the glowstick had been overpowering.

"And in the darkness, our path is illuminated." Frosty turned his friends to the source of the light; it was the spaceship Kirby had seen earlier!

"I-is that the one, Kirby!?" Dedede asked his doughy pink friend. Kirby nodded, and all three of them ran up to the ship. It was clearly on, but didn't seem to be doing anything. They looked into its window to see if they could get a glance at the alien, but the windows were covered in fog. Dedede tried to wipe off the fog with his mitten, but it was all on the inside of the ship.

"Hey, wait!" Dedede said, "If the f-fog's on the inside, that means the ship's w-warmer on the inside than it is out here! Quick, let's hop in before our feet f-freeze off!"

The three climbed onto the ship and found a hatch on the top. They scrambled to open it, but found it locked. Frosty blew his icy breath onto the lock, freezing it. They broke the lock off and leapt into the ship.

"Ah," Dedede groaned, practically melting in the warmth of the ship, "now this-I say now this is better."

"Poyo poyo." Kirby smiled, feeling as though warm gooey honey was being poured over his floppy little feetsies. King Dedede stood up and analyzed the ship's interior. It was sleek and metallic, with shiny crates and tanks strewn along its sides. Holographs were being projected around the ship, and a large dashboard stuck out in front of the windshield. Dedede meandered up to one crate and threw open its lid.

"Hey! No cake, but they've got soda on this thing!" Dedede pulled a small canister out of the crate. Dedede popped it open, revealing a fizzy blue liquid inside. The king chugged it without question, much to Kirby's disgust. "...eck! Tastes like tar! If only I had my luscious Popstar Popper to wash out this flavor. Why if that scoundrel were here right now, I'd clobber the little thief back to its planet!"

Dedede's rant was cut off by a thud on the outside of the ship.

"Oh lord, it's back! Hide!" Dedede hopped into the crate and shut the lid. Kirby looked around for his own hiding spot. Staring at the front of the ship, he noticed that there was a narrow crevice between the windshield and the keyboard. As fast as his feet could carry him, he crawled up the pilot's seat and hopped behind the keyboard. Just as he landed, he heard the hatch swing open again.

Something fell in with a loud clank. It sounded large, maybe large enough to see Kirby behind the dashboard. There was silence for a minute as the intruder observed the scene. Then there was a hard tap, a metal boot against the floor. Then another and another. Kirby could hear the sounds of circuits buzzing and machinery whirring as the alien got closer and closer to him. And when they stopped, he heard the alien speak out with a synthetic, muffled voice.

"Is someone here?" the alien rumbled.

"No," Dedede answered from inside the crate. Kirby then heard the pitter-patter of all the contents of the crate being violently dumped onto the floor, followed by King Dedede tumbling out. Kirby jumped out to aid his friend, and got a good look at the alien.

The alien was massive, well over twice Dedede's height. Its armor was frighteningly imposing, with massive shoulders and jagged joints. Its right arm was replaced with a sleek cannon, which it was currently grinding into Dedede's temple. The alien snapped its gaze towards Kirby, glueing the puffball in place.

"What are you trying to do to my ship?" the alien growled.

"We didn't do anything!" Dedede struggled to speak as the alien stepped on his chest.

"Then why did you dump a bucket of water on the floor?"

"I didn't-I say I didn't do anything like that! Did you Kirby?" Dedede turned to look at his friend. Kirby shook his head. "What about you, Frosty?"

Dedede looked around, but noticed he couldn't see Frosty. All he could find was the bucket he had on his head, sitting on a puddle of water underneath the entrance hatch.

"Huh, I guess he left." Dedede said.

"And now, so will you." The alien stepped off of the king and gave him a shove towards the hatch.

"Now wait just a second, you plundering punk! I'm not going nowhere until I get what you took from me!"

"I haven't taken anything from you."

"Oh enough of all this! I know you've got my cake! Your little UFO left burns in the dirt right next to the hole you tore into my castle!"

"Castle...the castle up on that hill? With the flags and the glass dome on top?"

"Yeah, that's my castle!"

The alien then sat down in the pilot's seat and typed on the ship's keyboard. Kirby hopped off the dashboard and stood by Dedede. A holograph popped up, playing a video recording of Dedede's castle. It seemed to have been recording from the ship, its view shaking and swaying until coming to a stop on the ground. The alien could be seen entering the frame and then climbing over the castle wall.

"I don't know what you mean by 'cake'," the alien said, "but I have an idea as to who stole it. Look at the upper right hand corner of the screen."

Kirby and King Dedede followed the alien's direction. Sure enough, they saw a little green creature float out of a window in the castle. It was too far away to make out any of its discernible features, but it could clearly be seen hovering around the castle before floating back inside.

"My name is Samus Aran, a bounty hunter," the alien explained, "and I'm here on Popstar to hunt Metroids. They're an invasive species of parasites. Five of them have been planted on this planet by the Space Pirates. They seemed particularly attracted to your castle, so I slipped inside to confront them. Unfortunately, the Metroids caught on and fled."

On the recording, five of the green Metroids floated out of the window. One of them was carrying a decorative golden platter with a matching dome cover.

"That's it! That's my cake! Them Metroids got it!" Dedede laughed at this new revelation. "So they took my cake. Did they bust the hole in my wall too?"

The video footage then showed Samus bursting out of the castle with a fiery explosion before hopping back into the ship.

"No, that was me." Samus stood from her chair and picked up one of the canisters on the floor, inserting it into her arm cannon.

"Oh well, water under the bridge! Now let's go get us some Metroids!"

"Us?"

"Well yeah. You're after them because they're all 'invasive' and 'parasitic' and whatnot, and we're after them because they've got that cake!"

"However good your snack was, it's not worth a run in with a Metroid. Frankly, you shouldn't even be in this cave at all with them running around. I'll let you two stay inside the Gunship until I wipe them out, but don't touch anything." Samus climbed out of the hatch to head back into the cave.

"Hah," Dedede puffed, "like we can't handle a couple of green little bean bags. C'mon, Kirby, let's go after her!"

So Kirby and Dedede waited in the Gunship for a few seconds before sneaking out and trailing after Samus. They made sure to hang back just far enough to keep her in their field of vision. Even though Samus wasn't hunting them down anymore, her rigid march was still terrifying. Seeing her come towards you must've felt akin to dying, complete with the sensation that your life is coming to a close. The two tried to shake off that feeling and continue down the cavern.

Eventually, Samus stopped dead in her tracks. Kirby and Dedede stopped as well, trying to understand her motives. She craned her head around, studying the crater. Out of nowhere, Samus ducked and rolled to the left. A Metroid swooped down out of the darkness, just nearly hitting the bounty hunter. Kirby and Dedede felt every muscle in their bodies fold inside out with what they saw; the Metroids looked far more flattering as a blurry image on a screen. Up close, you could see the bugs for what they were; oozing sacks of green slime convulsing through the air. A mound of flesh was stuck halfway inside the creature's underside. The mound's outer half was fitted with two sets of fangs, while four veiny buds throbbed off of its inner half. Dedede could hardly watch, but Kirby felt oddly intrigued by the Metroid - almost...reminiscent.

The Metroid screeched as it plunged at the bounty hunter a second time.

"Take this!" Samus aimed her cannon at the Metroid! But nothing came out as the gloopy monster latched onto Samus' cannon. One firm bash against the cave wall knocked the Metroid off, but Samus still looked shaken. She kept aiming her cannon at the Metroid, but the chamber remained inactive.

"C'mon, what's wrong with this thing!?" Samus popped out the canister she'd placed in earlier and inspected it. As she turned it upside down, its top fell off.

It was the canister King Dedede had drank.

"Uh oh." Dedede's whimper drew Samus' attention.

"You two! What are you doing here!?" While Samus was distracted, the Metroid jumped on her head. Losing her balance, the bounty hunter screamed as she tried to pry off the gremlin. The Metroid proved too fickle, however, digging its teeth into her armor. It flashed hypnotically as Samus grew weaker, her knees shaking. While Dedede watched in horror, Kirby jumped as he understood his reminiscent feeling. The flashing lights of the Metroid triggered a distant memory. Without a moment's hesitation, Kirby ran back into the depths of the cave.

"Hey, Kirby! Where are you going!? We need to get that thing off of her head!" Dedede didn't wait for his friend to turn around, simply running up to Samus as he reached up his robe. He pulled out a wooden mallet with a head bigger than his skull, and began pounding the Metroid with it.

All of this commotion had attracted the natives of the cave. Scarfies and Rockies had all come out to stare, but Kirby had his eyes fixed on an unsuspecting Chilly. Without any warning for the poor snowman, Kirby opened his mouth and inhaled. It was no ordinary breath either; it grew to the strength of a hurricane, causing a tremor throughout the whole cave. The Chilly was sucked into Kirby's mouth and Kirby swallowed him whole! After his taboo feast, icicles erupted from Kirby's head. With his new form, Kirby bolted back over to Samus. She had fallen onto the floor by now, as Dedede's hammer bounced off of the Metroid's elastic body.

"Nothing-I say nothing I'm doing is hurting the little slimeball, Kirby! I don't know what to do!"

"Poyo!" Kirby pushed Dedede aside and opened his mouth again. This time, an icy wind bellowed out. The mist poured over the Metroid, freezing it solid! Kirby turned to his friend and nodded.

"Here goes nothing!" Dedede swung his hammer at the Metroid one last time. The frozen Metroid shattered into pieces, releasing Samus from its grip.

Kirby and Dedede dragged Samus back to the Gunship, propping her up against the wall of the ship. After a few minutes of gasping for air, Samus brought herself back onto her feet.

"You," Samus said to Kirby, "How did you know Metroids are vulnerable to freezing temperatures?"

"Poyo poyo!"

"...What?"

"He said he's m-met you before," Dedede explained as he began to shiver again, "Kirby, can you d-ditch the copy ability? It's c-cold enough as it is in here!"

In response, Kirby regurgitated the Chilly onto the floor. The icicles on Kirby's head disappeared, and the Chilly ran away screaming.

"Incredible," Samus said, "So you can absorb another lifeform, copy its attributes, and release it harmlessly?"

"Sometimes he does. The other times he just digests them and they don't come back up."

"Jesus...wait...your name's Kirby?" Samus felt gears begin to turn in her head as she stared at the plump little boy. "Hey, wait, I know you! You're Kirby!"

Kirby nodded and hugged her ankle with his nubs. Samus reached down and patted him back.

"So you do know each other," Dedede said.

"Yes. A long time ago, I was on this planet hunting Metroids. That time they weren't planted; the Metroid population was drastically higher back then. I met Kirby in a volcano, and he helped me wipe out the invading Metroids. I guess you two are equipped to handle them after all."

"You've got that right!"

"I don't remember meeting you before. Who are you?"

"You're talking-I say you're talking to King Dedede, the rightful ruler of the prestigious country you've found yourself in!"

"King? I see." Samus bowed her head. "I'm sorry for my hostility, your highness."

Dedede leaned over to Kirby and whispered, "Heavens to Betsy, someone actually bought it."

"So it sounds like we both have a vested interest in the eradication of these Metroids. I take it we'll be pursuing them together from here on out?"

"Are you kidding? You couldn't keep us from those Metroids if you tried!" Dedede wrapped his arm around Kirby's hypothetical shoulder and playfully punched Samus. "With your fancy spaceship, Kirby's appetite, and my astounding tactical genius, we'll make the perfect extraterrestrial exterminating aggregate! Hunting down aliens across the stars...we'll be known as the Star Allies!"

And so, the Star Allies hopped inside the Gunship, ready to carry out their mission against the Metroids. Samus crouched by the canisters she dumped on the floor and began to place them back in their crate.

"Before we continue, I need to figure out what went wrong with my arm cannon," Samus said.

"Oh yeah, about that," Dedede explained, "I drank your soda, sorry about that."

"Soda?"

"Yeah, the soda you slapped into that fancy cannon of yours."

Samus froze in place, turning to stare at the king. She held up a canister for display.

"...You...you drank one of these?"

"Unfortunately, yeah. It tasted horrible."

"This isn't soda, it's a battery. I use it to convert my cannon fire into an ice beam."

"Oh then I guess for battery acid, it tasted pretty good!"

Samus dropped her head into her hands and sighed.

"King Dedede, in half an hour, that 'soda' is going to start giving you fatigue and nausea. Your heart rate will pick up in 12 hours, and in a few days time you'll fall into a coma."

"Well that's just no good. You wouldn't happen to have a remedy for that, would you? Maybe a healing item I can eat, or some cough syrup or something."

Samus got up and pressed a button on her dashboard. An operating table rose out of the ground, with some leather straps and a tube to boot.

"Have you ever heard of a gastric lavage?"

"Nah, I ain't that familiar with French cuisine, but I'm sure it can't be that bad."


	9. A1C9 - Collision Course

By the time Dr. Mario and Toon Link made it into the escape bay, most of the escape pods had already left. They were popping out of the Orpheon like candy, all of them packed like clown cars. Inside the circular hub for these pods, the two were mostly faced with empty holes, barring one with an out of order sign. Running out of options, Toon scanned the room for an opportunity. It was then he noticed that the doors to each pod had a white number above them. All of them were in the hundreds, and they were listed in order. Toon followed the numbers to find escape pod 420. Three space pirates were currently climbing inside.

"Hey, you guys didn't hear it from me," Toon Link yelled into the crowd, "but Ridley told me that whoever uses pod 420 is gay."

The three Space Pirates inside scrambled to get out. Everyone else visibly avoided it. Toon elbowed his friend while snickering at his master plan.

"Dude ha ha get it it's the weed number."

"What was that-a Toon?" Dr. Mario fidgeted around with his ears as the two made their way to the pod. "My ears are-a ringing from the reactor core explosion."

Toon tried signing his joke to the doctor, but gave up when he noticed Dr. Mario stop in front of the pod. The doctor began to sweat as he peered into the pod.

"It-a looks so small in there, Toon."

"C'mon, doc, we won't be in here for that long. Don't worry about it."

With a slight tug, Toon managed to coerce the doctor into the pod. While definitely snug, the pod was actually pretty comfortable. The seats were padded, and the temperature was nice and toasty. Dr. Mario turned his back to the door as he faced a small set of buttons and knobs.

"Monita," Dr. Mario asked, retrieving the tablet, "how do we operate this-a pod?"

"EVERY EMERGENCY ESCAPE POD IS OUTFITTED WITH AN AUTOPILOT FUNCTIONALITY. FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS AND THE POD WILL AUTOMATICALLY TRAVEL TO THE NEAREST HOSPITABLE PLANET - TALLON IV, CURRENTLY 105 KILOMETERS AWAY - WITH NO FURTHER ASSISTANCE REQUIRED."

As the doctor began to type away on the control panel, Toon Link looked back into the Orpheon. All of a sudden, something began to pang throughout his heart. A hollow feeling.

"Hold up on that, doc, I need to take care of something first." Toon Link climbed out of the pod and ran up to the opposite wall of the Orpheon. Placing a tiny hand on the wall, Toon Link took a deep breath in, and then a deep breath out.

"Orpheon," he said under his breath, "...you're the first home I've ever known. The only one I've ever known. Hasn't really felt like home, but seeing you blow up in smoke...I dunno, it feels like I'm losing a part of myself. But maybe that's good. Maybe it's like a snake shedding its old skin, to become something better. I like snakes. Snakes are cool. Take care, Orpheon. It was nice knowing-"

Toon Link was interrupted by a sliding mechanical whirr coming from behind. He turned around, only to be met with the doors of pod 420 closing shut.

"Doc? Hey, Doc, wait, I'm not in! I'm not in!"

"Did you-a say something, Toon? I still can't-a quite hear you." Dr. Mario rubbed his ears again, shooting his friend an innocent look. For only a brief glimmer could Toon Link see the color drain from the doctor's face, soaked in horror before the doors slammed shut. Toon Link ran outside into the hall and pressed his face against a window. He could only watch as pod 420 snapped off of the side of the ship. Joining the other masses of pods hanging dormant around the Orpheon, thrusters flared up to life on the bottom and sides of the pod to push it away. Toon poked his head back into the escape bay, only to see it barren. Neither a Space Pirate nor a pod to be found. Toon Link took a step back from the window as he yanked on his hair.

"Okay. Okay. Okay okay, calm down, Toon. There's gotta be another way off this ship. Has to be. You're gonna find it, and everything's gonna be fine."

Toon Link let go of his hair, closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath.

"Yeah. And you know what? Good thing at least one of us just got off this thing."

Toon opened his eyes and smiled as he watched pod 420 hover towards the massive rusty planet dominating the view.

"It was nice knowing you, doctor." Toon Link began to walk away from the window. "Let's hope life treats us both better."

_*Crash!*_

Toon jerked back to the window. In an instant, pod 420 was now spinning wildly in the opposite direction, hints of smoke dancing around the machine.

"What!? How!?" Toon Link gave his blonde locks another tug as he backed up against the wall. "How did they pick him out so quickly!? His pod doesn't look any different from the others!"

Suddenly something smooth jabbed him in the back; ladder rungs, crawling up the wall to a hatch above deck. Toon wasted no time ascending the ladder. Just as Toon's bulbous head popped into the vast blackness of space, he saw another shot fired at the doctor's pod. A bright purple bolt of energy, it tore through the air as it crackled with rage. As the shot collided with pod 420, Toon heard the attacker's husky snarl.

"You're in my sights!"

Even amongst sirens blaring and the flames shooting out of the Orpheon's metal shell, that guttural voice seemed to dominate the atmosphere. Following the voice, Toon saw a figure planted calmly on the burning deck of the frigate. Toon was hesitant to call it a man; with the head of a wolf and the eyes of a killer, nothing about this being felt human. Either way, Toon knew exactly what to call this demonic entity.

"That's Wolf O'Donnell!"

Wolf pocketed the purple pistol he'd used to fire on the escape pod - a serrated blade at the end of the gun tore through the holster. Without a moment's hesitation, Wolf flung himself off the side of the Orpheon. A small fighter plane zipped out from under the ship to catch his fall. It was blood red and jagged, as if thrown together with the stained teeth of dragons.

As Wolf slunk into the pilot's seat, Toon Link knew he had to act. He ran up to the edge of the deck, bringing himself so close that one breath could push him into the void. So Toon Link held his breath as he pulled out his hookshot and aimed it at the mercenary.

"C'mon!"

The back of Wolf's craft hissed with plasma. It's target was clearly the pod, but Toon couldn't help trembling as the gap between him and the plane shrunk by the second. Snap out of it, Toon! With a stomp of his foot and a clench of his ass, Toon Link held the hookshot firmly in place until he was right under Wolf. The chain snapped out of the hookshot. Success! It pierced the hull of the plane! But he couldn't celebrate for long; he was quickly yanked off of the deck of the ship, now being dragged through the air as his little body flailed. Wolf clearly took notice. The plane swerved to the right and ground to a halt, causing Toon Link to crash headfirst into the underside of the aircraft.

The pain blinded Toon for a moment, but his resolve didn't waver. Toon released his hook's grip on the plane, allowing himself to tumble back onto the Orpheon. He just barely missed getting skewered by a pylon sticking out of the frigate. On his backside, Toon shot the hookshot again, this time at Dr. Mario's escape pod. Once it landed, Toon Link swung with all his might to fling the pod back towards Tallon IV. He got the pod moving, but not very quickly - certainly not faster than the aircraft could fly. But Toon wasn't done yet. In the one second Wolf spared to reorient his ship, Toon shot the hookshot back at the aircraft. This time, however, he rolled up to his feet and began to tie the hookshot around the base of the pylon. The massive links of the hookshot's chains were difficult to form into a knot, but every tissue of strength packed into his little baby body seemed to be just enough for the task.

Wolf's aircraft took off again, pulling the chain taut. Toon couldn't move his hand before the chain snapped on it. The Hylian screamed as he felt the bones of his hand shatter. Even through his pain, however, Toon kept holding on. Not a moment after Toon's hand was crushed did Wolf find his ship flipped upside down. Pinned to the pylon, Wolf's plane was helpless as it hurtled into the deck of the Orpheon in a burst of fire. Watching his friend finally peacefully float away, Toon Link pried his hand from the chain. It was swollen and dark purple, throbbing violently.

"Wish I had some of that Bupivacaine right about now," Toon said to himself.

_*Snikt!*_

It couldn't have been in more time than the blink of an eye that Wolf appeared in front of Toon. His claws had left sparks in the air as he ripped them through the pylon. This one attack was enough to bring the pylon down, screeching in agony as its metal base warped and snapped. With his good hand, Toon whipped out his shield and covered himself before he was buried by the tower.

Toon Link remained there for a few minutes, balled up underneath the wreckage of the pylon. His shield had protected him from most of the debris, but he could hardly breathe underneath its weight. He tried kicking the debris away with his stumpy legs, but it wouldn't budge. With his good hand, Toon then tried to drag his own body out from under the wreckage. It took some squirming, and the metal bars of the pylon dug into Toon's skin, but he eventually managed to free half of his body. Toon could finally take a long overdue breath - only for it to tickle his lungs with blood, and force him to spit it all out onto the floor.

"You're good. But I'm better."

Toon Link rolled over; Wolf was towering over the Hylian, silent as Toon crawled back and hopped up to his feet. The mercenary must've known that the lifeless glow from his one good eye was enough to turn one's legs to jelly.

If he couldn't run, Toon decided to at least make it look like he didn't want to. He drew his Master Sword - only a foot or so in length - and pointed it at the canine killer. Atop the burning, blackening Orpheon, Toon's sword glistened angelically like freshly cleaned silverware.

"You're Wolf O'Donnell!" Toon Link accused, puffing up his chest.

"So you've heard of me." Wolf scrutinized the Hylian, his eye making Toon feel naked. "Tell me, who..._what_ are you?"

"The name's Toon Link."

"Link, huh." Wolf scratched his chin in contemplation. Toon could hear the rustling of Wolf's dry fur. "I feel like I've heard the name Link before. I wanna say I heard Ganondorf talk about a Link. Oh well, none of that really matters to me. What does matter to me is how you just helped a fugitive escape the Orpheon."

The Master Sword trembled as Toon shook in place. He fought to keep his hand from tugging at his hair. Deep breaths, Toon told himself. He just had to do what he was best at to get out of this; play dumb.

"Fugitive? I didn't know anything about a fugitive. I just saw you messing with that pod, and I didn't think it was cool of you to take a shot at a guy while he was vulnerable."

"Really. And it just so happened to be the one escape pod carrying the fugitive?"

"Well how would I know that? How would you know that, in fact? They all look the same."

"I saw the clone running towards this escape bay. Would've pinned him right there, but I lost him in the crowd. So I sent out an order out to every Space Pirate in this sector. Why don't you take a look at those other pods?"

Wolf pointed a bristly finger at the metal capsules around the Orpheon. Toon hadn't thought much of it before, but he realized now that Dr. Mario's escape pod was the only pod that was actually moving. All the others remained inactive, drifting only with the force that had ejected them from the escape bay. After a minute, one pod's thrusters flickered to life. Then another. Then a few more. Only _now_ did the other pods begin their trek to Tallon IV.

"My instructions," Wolf continued, "were to leave autopilot off for the first five minutes after leaving the ship. _Then_ turn it on and head to Tallon IV. And the only pod that didn't do that was the pod you just let bail out of here, so the person in that pod is either really bad at following instructions or doesn't have one of the transceivers we all use to communicate. The ones that every Space Pirate is equipped with."

Toon felt his entire body freeze over, buckling to admit his defeat. He let out a deep sigh as he sheathed his sword, looking down at the ground.

"Okay, I do know him," Toon said, "but we're not trying to stop you guys or anything. We just want to leave. That's it. We won't try to find you or anything, so can't you guys just let us go?"

Wolf ran his claws gently through the whiskers on his snout. Seemingly unmoved, he loomed over Toon silently. The occasional growl from Wolf made Toon want to collapse in on himself until he was nothing more than another ember floating above deck.

"Hmm...sure, you can go."

"Wait, what?" Toon snapped his stare back up at Wolf, nearly forgetting how utterly terrified he was.

"You can go _after _you help us capture Mario's clone."

The fear gripped Toon again, wringing out every last drop of sweat it could. Now he couldn't help but tear at his hair.

"What...what do you mean?"

"Mario's clone is the one the Villainoct is interested in, not you. I didn't even know you existed until just now, so there shouldn't be too much harm in letting you run off. I'll have you send the clone a message to head to a predetermined rendezvous point, my guys will scoop him up, and then you can head on out of here." Wolf brought his hand to his neck in a mock choking motion. "Of course, should you not feel up to it, I could always just break your neck and move on with my day. Take your pick, half pint."

Wolf watched as Toon Link sunk down like slime. The little creature twiddled his thumbs as he opened his mouth to form words, only for silence to trickle out.

"...Okay," Toon finally answered.

"Smart choice. But it'd be a pretty stupid choice to let you hold onto your weapons. Whatever you've got on you, fork it over."

Toon Link threw his sword over to the mercenary, along with a little wooden bow.

"Can I keep the shield?"

Wolf snickered as he led Toon inside. "Sure. Won't do you much good with what I'm packing anyway."

By the time Toon and Wolf stepped back into the Orpheon, the halls had cleared significantly. Underneath the flashing red lights of the siren, only a handful of Space Pirates were left running through the halls of the ship. As one passed by, Wolf stopped him by the shoulder.

"Where are you headed?" Wolf growled.

"The escape pod bay, sir!" the Space Pirate replied.

"Well you're making a quick detour. We need to relay a little message."

"But Commander O'Donnell, the ship's spiraling out of control!"

"bUt CoMmAnDeR o'DoNnElL, tHe ShIp'S sPiRaLiNg OuT oF cOnTrOl-shut your pothole, I'm not blind. Entirely. Now get a move on, we don't have all day. And someone shut off that damn siren!"

With the siren toggled off, the hall was instantly silent. Only the metal clanking of Wolf's boots could be heard; the walls of the Orpheon must've been well insulated to block out the sounds of the rest of the ship exploding to hell and back. As Toon tagged along after Wolf and the pirate, he took the time to absorb the atmosphere outside the window. Tallon IV almost made for a kind of aesthetic backdrop for the burning machinery and flying bodies outside.

"What's on Tallon IV?" Toon asked.

"Why do you need to know?" Wolf snarled.

"If I'm gonna tell the Doc to head somewhere on Tallon, I've gotta sound like I know what I'm talking about."

"..." Wolf gestured to their designated Space Pirate. "Fill him in."

"Tallon IV is a wanderer class planet," the Space Pirate explained, "Recently, we found massive energy readings coming off of the planet, so we set up some research camps on the surface."

"Whaddya find?" Toon prodded.

"Well the signals were coming from a substance called Phazon. Highly radioactive. It's almost a superorganism. Exposure can easily be fatal, but manipulated correctly, it can enhance a living being's physical abilities."

"And where'd you find it? What nooks and crannies?"

"We set up some mines, the Phazon's all over the place down on Tallon. It's a disaster. Especially in that crater down south, but it takes hours to dig around in there."

"You seem to know exactly what to ask for someone who says they don't know what they're talking about," Wolf cut in.

"They're just the first things that came to mind." Toon Link gave Wolf a shrug.

"Well, do you have any other questions, Sherlock?"

"How is the ship burning in space-?"

"That was rhetorical, tiny."

Wolf had led Toon to a radio station. All of the lights above were busted, but the disaster outside the ship was more than sufficient to illuminate the room. Wolf locked the door behind them as they stepped in. The Space Pirate pulled a handheld radio off of a dashboard and began to operate it with his big goofy ass claw hands.

"Where is this message going, Commander?" the Space Pirate asked.

"An escape pod," Wolf replied.

"What's the ID number?"

Wolf gave Toon a little nudge.

"420," Toon answered.

"Oh sick, dude, that's the weed number."

"Here's what you've gotta do, kid," Wolf hissed, "Tell the clone to find Phendrana Drifts, should be due West of the landing zone. The Space Pirates have research labs there, they'll apprehend him. Once that's over with, we'll give you your own escape pod and send you far far away from here."

Wolf shoved the tiny boy over to the Space Pirate, who handed Toon the radio. The canine watched as Toon moved the radio up to his mouth effortlessly, like a well oiled machine.

"Doc? Are you there?" Toon asked into the radio. His face had gone completely blank as he stabbed his friend in the back. Wolf was surprised to see it; not that he hadn't done worse before.

"Toon!?" Dr. Mario's voice sizzled out of the radio in a jumbled mess of static. "What-a happened!? Why aren't you-a in the escape pod!?"

"It's a long story, Doc. Right now, I need to tell you something important. You're gonna land on Tallon IV in a bit, and when you land, you need to go somewhere. Listen closely, Doc."

Toon jumped up onto the dashboard, his face suddenly sparking with determination.

"Don't go west! They're waiting for you there! Go down south, find the crater! And go as deep in there as you can-!"

Wolf swatted Toon off the dashboard, gashing open the Hylian's back with his claws. Laces of blood followed Toon Link as he plopped onto the ground.

"Think you're funny, punk!?" Wolf whipped out his pistol and cracked out a shot of lightning. It tore through the air to swallow up Toon, but from the floor he flipped up his shield to absorb the blast. Wolf shook as he holstered his blaster, his free hand grasping at the air as if tearing apart an unseen victim. Toon, meanwhile, sat up silently as he stared down the mercenary.

"Hah. Right." Wolf smiled through his jittering rage, skulking towards Toon. "Your shield. I wonder what you're gonna do with it when I rip out your throat, slowly and-"

It was then that Toon flung his shield into the air! It cut past Wolf's head and bashed into the locked door, prying it open. Wolf turned his snout to inspect, only to be met halfway by the shield ricocheting off the door and into his temple. Wolf tumbled onto the dashboard. He rubbed his head as Toon Link ran up and ripped his bow off of Wolf's belt. By the time the good for nothing Space Pirate began to spring into action, Toon let an arrow loose into the former's shiny head.

When Toon reached for his sword, though, Wolf snapped to his senses and gripped the Hylian's spherical head. He leapt into the air and slammed Toon into the floor. He and his basketballesque skull dribbled off of the ground and into the air, only to be punted into the door the way every child should be. The force of the blow rippled through Toon's vision in a blur, but he stumbled through it when he realized that his ovoid head had fully thrown open the door. Now free, Toon scurried down the halls like a starving rat after the savory scent of sulguni. Even without turning around, Toon could tell Wolf was hot on his tracks. His boots pounded down the halls, his breathing devolving to that of a ravenous predator.

Toon burst back out onto the deck of the Orpheon. With Wolf's claws not a second behind, Toon kept on sprinting through the smoking mess of a ship. In his mad dash, Toon tripped over the hookshot he'd left behind. He fell face first into the wreckage of Wolf's ship, and the mercenary leapt in for the kill. In his final defense, Toon grabbed some debris and flung it at his attacker.

_*Bang!*_

The garbage Toon had thrown blew up on contact, knocking Wolf a few feet back. Impressed, Toon inspected the scrap pile he'd grabbed from. It was filled with red metal devices, shaped like diamond gems and labeled "Smart Bomb." Toon scooped up as many as he could and stuffed them into his hat, before pulling his hookshot off of the ground and bolting over to the hatch to the escape pod bay.

Upon skittering down into the escape pod bay, Toon searched for a way out of his mess. He quickly settled on the pod that was out of order, and began wedging open the door with his shield. His efforts were met with two Space Pirates crammed inside the pod.

"Who are you!?" asked one of the Space Pirates, red in color, as he aimed his arm gun at Toon.

"Who are _you!?_" Toon asked back.

"Who are _youuuuuuuuuu!?_" asked the other Pirate, this one purple.

"I just asked him that," said Red.

"No, _I_ just asked him that. _You_ asked him beforehand."

"Why are you guys just sitting around in here while the Orpheon's exploding?" Toon asked the Pirates.

"Well you see we-wait what the fuck, the ship's exploding!?" Red replied.

"You didn't know that?"

"Uh...of course we did! As a matter of fact, we're, uh, we're currently doing maintenance on this escape pod. It was damaged by the destruction of the Orpheon. It needs fixing."

"Maintenance. Right, well where are your tools, then? To do the fixing."

Sure enough, the Space Pirates had nothing in the pod with them other than an opened bag of LAY'S® Sweet Southern Heat BBQ Flavored Potato Chips.

"Not all healing is physical, kid," Purple answered, "Sometimes, you do the fixing from the inside out. At least that's what the on board therapist said before he got all of his internal organs liquified by a giant enemy spider on Alinos."

Just then, the latch on the roof of the hall swung open. Toon squirmed his way into the escape pod and shut the door behind him.

"Who's that on the roof?" Red whispered.

"Wolf O'Donnell!" Toon whispered back as he creeped his hand over to the bag of LAY'S® Sweet Southern Heat BBQ Flavored Potato Chips, "He's after me because I helped my friend Doc Mario get off of this thing!"

"Mario?" Purple whispered, "As in the clone of Mario-?"

"Shut up!" Red elbowed his friend in the ribs.

"You guys know Doc?" Toon asked over the crinkling of the bag of LAY'S® Sweet Southern Heat BBQ Flavored Potato Chips, "And why are you whispering too?"

"Well," Purple said, "it might be kinda sorta almost our fault that the subject broke out."

"_Our_ fault?" Red grumbled.

"Well you didn't stop me!"

"So you guys were in charge of his simulation?" Toon gasped with realization as he shoveled his face with LAY'S® Sweet Southern Heat BBQ Flavored Potato Chips. "And you're hiding here because you know Ridley's gonna kick your ass when he finds out!"

"No one's hiding here!" Red defended, "We're just, um...letting the situation cool down for a bit. The ship's blowing up, Wolf's pissed, why add our little blunder on top of that?"

The clang of Wolf's metal boots interrupted their back and forth, drawing closer and closer.

"You two!" Toon demanded, "Get this pod working now!"

"Why should we!?" Red and Purple replied simultaneously.

"If Wolf captures me, I'm gonna tell on you."

"You wouldn't!" Red said.

"He totally would!" Purple began to shake in his seat. "Look at him! Look at him staring at us with them big ol' eyes!"

"Fine, fine!" Red slammed some buttons in the pod, knocking it out of the Orpheon and sending it on it's way to Tallon IV. No sooner had they left the Orpheon, though, then had Wolf ripped back on deck and began firing volleys at the pod. Being riddled with Wolf's violet blaster shots, the pod began to crumble as it hovered through the air.

"We're not gonna make it to Tallon! I'm switching to manual!" Red gripped a lever, making the pod dive to the Orpheon's underside. They hovered under there for a while, hiding behind the safety of the frigate.

"Well what now?" Purple said, "We can't get to Tallon IV without leaving the Orpheon."

"But if we do, we'll get shot out of the air!"

"Is there anything else we can take to Tallon?" Toon Link twirled his hair around between his fingers as he thought out loud.

"All of the transport vessels would have left by now. The escape pods are the only ships left on the ship." Purple rubbed his forehead, hurting his brain with his own grammar. "Er...ship left on the frigate, I mean. Not including the Orpheon as a ship."

Toon dropped his hair, grinning at his own genius. "Wait! What if we _do_ include it!"

"Huh?"

"Let's fly the Orpheon to Tallon!"

"I don't think the Orpheon will make it that far," Red warned, gesturing to the escape pod window, "It looks like it's lost a good 30% of its mass. We'd be lucky to make it to the cockpit from here before the frigate loses all structural integrity."

"Can't hurt to try the only option we've got!"

"Dude," Purple said as he grabbed the wheel, "I've got no idea who you are, but you're an absolute madlad. Let's fucking go!"

The escape pod looped around the Orpheon, thrusting full speed toward the Orpheon's central tower. The hull of the pod clackered as it curled off the sides, but they kept on pushing through. With a crash, they shattered the window! The pod vaporized upon contact with the floor. Toon, Red, and Purple were flung across the room. Toon had to peel himself off of the wall, the blood from his back wound sticking him in place.

"Wolf will be here soon," Toon winced as he rubbed his back, "You guys set the frigate on a course to Tallon IV. I'll distract him, buy you some time."

Toon began to hobble over to the door when Red placed his claw hand on Toon's shoulder.

"You've been through enough, kid. We'll handle Wolf. You pilot the ship."

"Do you mean it?"

"Of course!" Purple chimed in, "It'll be easy. Use the override code 13376399, and just watch the structural integrity of the Orpheon."

Toon smiled. "You know, for a couple of no good Space Pirates, you guys aren't half bad."

"Catch you on the flipside, you Goddamn legend," Red said.

"And don't mess it up!" Purple waved Toon goodbye as he and Red stepped out of the cockpit. They could feel the warmth of their new bond radiating off of Toon as the doors shut behind them. Purple turned to his coworker.

"...So we're leaving, right?"

"Absolutely we're leaving, are you crazy?" Red replied, "I'm not fighting Wolf O'Donnell."

"Cool, just checking. Wanna hang out in the breakroom until that little dipshit lands this thing?"

"Sure." And then Red and Purple bailed.

After getting access to the controls, Toon operated the Orpheon to the best of his ability, which basically amounted to slapping the keyboard a bunch. It looked like this was actually working until Toon's train of thought was cut short by a crunch. A crinkly crunch. Toon whipped around and readied his shield, just in time for it to take a blow from Wolf's blaster. The mercenary was standing in the doorway, having unknowingly given away his presence by stepping on the bag of LAY'S® Sweet Southern Heat BBQ Flavored Potato Chips.

"Should've let me ambush you," Wolf snarled, "Would've made this quicker." Wolf pounced at Toon, his claws shining as they tore through the air. Without any hesitation, Toon turned back around and gave the keyboard one final slap.

"I'm not the one out of time!"

With that last slap, the Orpheon screamed as it pushed itself towards Tallon IV. Every crack and fracture on the Orpheon spilled with fire, but the Orpheon still managed to kick itself into high gear. Wolf was thrown against the back wall by the sheer speed of the Orpheon. Toon held onto the keyboard to stabilize himself.

Wolf dug his boots into the floor of the cockpit, jagged serrations on his toes anchoring him down. As he marched up to the Hylian, he scratched his claws against the floor to taunt his prey. Toon couldn't help but shiver. Digging back into his hat, Toon chucked a smart bomb to deter his attacker. Wolf merely held up his arm to block, and with a flash of purple light, the bomb reflected off of him unscathed. In fact, it seemed to fly back at Toon even faster than Toon'd thrown it to start! Toon could barely put up his shield in time, and even then, the force of the smart bomb sent him flying out the open window. Toon grabbed onto the edge of the window, slicing his fingers on the broken glass. Wolf began operating the Orpheon's controls from the keyboard.

"Can't let you get away that easily," he said with a grin. Toon tried to pull himself back in, but the blood from his fingers made him start to slip. Instead, Toon pulled out his hookshot with his free hand and fired it at Wolf. Without looking, Wolf held up his arm again, but the hookshot still managed to latch on. Toon let go of the window, plummeting from the cockpit and pulling Wolf out with him. With a few heavy thuds, the two landed in a ring of fire on the lower deck of the ship.

The metal plating on the ship was starting to glow red with heat, burning Toon's skin. The Hylian jumped to his feet and braced himself with his shield. His attacker, however, was nowhere to be found. But Toon was privy to Wolf's tricks this time. He whipped his shield to the left, just in time to stave off Wolf's talons. It took every muscle in Toon's body just to keep his shield propped up against the canine. And yet with an effort no stronger than scratching one's underarm, Wolf pushed Toon's shield out of the way. Wolf grabbed Toon by his bobblehead neck, flung him into the air, and tore some flesh out of Toon's gaping back wound. Toon squirmed as pain jolted through his body. He covered his back with his shield, but it didn't do much as Wolf shotgunned his boot into the little elf boy.

Toon's vision was getting blurry. He could feel the life seeping out of him, the very essence of his being bleeding out of his spine. The last thing he saw before his eyes fell shut was...the surface of Tallon IV! As he flew into the air, Toon could see the rusty red deserts of Tallon peeking out from behind the pillars of fire. The Orpheon had made it into the planet's atmosphere, encroaching its surface. If Toon was this close to escaping, what reason did Toon have to make this space travelling iron maiden his tomb? When his body couldn't find an answer, Toon drew his bow and fired an arrow down at Wolf. Wolf merely swatted it away with his reflector, but Toon was quick to follow up with an elbow drop to Wolf's wrist. Toon unceremoniously flopped onto the searing deck of the Orpheon - though he did make Wolf stumble back a bit. Toon sprung up once again, firing two more arrows at Wolf. Even halfway towards falling on his backside, Wolf managed to effortlessly swipe them away. Toon stepped back, considering his options. The blood dripping down his legs began to sizzle as he got closer to the ring of fire. With the heat literally on, Toon-

Actually, Wolf was definitely worse than the fire. Teeth clenched, Toon rolled into the inferno behind him. He screamed, feeling the heat piercing him down to his bones. And yet Toon kept on running, sidestepping through the flames as he emptied his quiver into the fire arena. Wolf, meanwhile, blocked the first arrow, coming at him head on. The next four, however, popped out of the smoke veil left and right. Wolf could only block one more, while the rest speared him right through his leather hide.

Toon burst out the other side of the fire. His skin was red, getting a waxy look. He had to tuck away his bow and manually peel open his eyelids. Even then, he could barely see a thing behind the cascade of tears he was making. When his vision returned to him, however, his eyes bugged at his discovery.

"A hangar bay!"

Behind the door in front of him was a massive garage. A sleek purple spacecraft was sitting inside of it. Toon hadn't seen anything like it on the Orpheon before, and had no idea how it moved - it had no wheels to speak of, yet its wings looked too small to lift it anywhere. No matter _how_ it moved, though, Toon was sure that it _did _move. Toon ran into the hangar and yanked a large red lever. A red siren flared the room as the floor of the hangar began to open up, like the maw of a world eating serpent descending onto Tallon IV. Gears in the ship crunched and clicked in pain until the hangar deck came to a halt. Curiously, the siren in the hangar didn't relent. All questions aside, Toon hopped into his bumped up little spaceship and pulled switches until it flickered to life. Blue fire roared out of the wings of the ship, yet it didn't even budge off of the ground. An automated voice hummed over the hangar siren.

"ALL SPACECRAFT WILL BE MAGNETICALLY PINNED TO THE DECK UNTIL THE BAY DOOR IS FULLY DISENGAGED. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EXIT THE HANGAR UNTIL THE MAGNETIC LOCK IS LIFTED."

What? The door was opened, what was this now about "disengaging"? Toon hopped out of his ship and scuttled down to the edge of the bay to investigate. Only when he made it to the hangar's fringe was he met with a blood curdling sight - Wolf climbing inside right in front of him.

All things considered, Wolf looked relatively stable. He even pulled off a smile as he ripped an arrow out of his abdomen; a smile that made Toon cower under its weight.

"Direct access over the Orpheon - even over something as trivial as hangar bay door - certainly has its perks. Another bonus to my little club membership." Wolf snickered as he prowled towards the Hylian. "I don't know how many times I need to tell you this, kid, but the more you run, the longer this gets dragged out and the more it hurts. Just make this easy on yourself."

Toon could feel Wolf's sinister taunts wringing out his windpipe. His face turned blue as he looked around the hangar for a way out, but it was just him and Wolf now. He could've ran out the entrance and kept on running around the Orpheon until his feet fell off. But his eyes were pulled towards the lever that controlled the bay door. It would take just one more pull to open that door all the way and free Toon from his lifelong nightmare. He willed his lungs to take one more breath as he turned to face his attacker. His eyes glowing a bright yellow, Toon gave Wolf a final glare of defiance.

And then Toon took off. As quickly as his wittle baby feet would go, he bolted towards the hangar bay lever. Wolf charged after him.

"You're fast, kid, I'll give you that," Wolf said as he gained on Toon, "But those wounds are slowing you down. I can smell it-!"

Just then, Wolf nearly toppled onto the ground. As he caught his balance, he shot a passing glance at what he'd nearly tripped over. The mere sight of it nearly tripped him a second time. It was a smart bomb! One Toon had dropped behind him as he ran!

"The hell!?" Wolf threw up his arm, but it was too late. The explosion from the smart bomb seared his fur, knocking him across the hangar. Toon was blown in the opposite direction, his carcass somewhat protected by the shield on his back. Wolf wiped the cinders off of his muzzle and leapt back to his feet, only to see Toon Link lying next to the open hangar bay door. Toon grinned at Wolf as he flashed the mercenary a peace sign before rolling out the door. Wolf sprinted to the door and drew his blaster. But Toon was nowhere to be seen on Tallon's surface.

"Where is he? He just rolled out, how far could he have gotten?"

Wolf scanned the rusty red planet below, where a leaf green elf should stick out like a bad rash. And yet Toon had seemingly vanished. Wolf froze, failing to comprehend his blunder. His loss of thought was only momentary - it wasn't long before he flung himself off the frigate and rolled down onto Tallon, beginning his hunt.

Little did Wolf know that his little friend was still on the Orpheon. Technically speaking, anyway. Toon watched Wolf descend onto Tallon as he dangled from the Orpheon's underside. When Toon rolled out, he had fired his hookshot at the Orpheon and had been hanging there like a spider from its web. As the Orpheon grew closer and closer to Tallon IV, Toon released the Hookshot and allowed himself to flounder onto the planet's surface with a splatter of blood.

For a while, Toon couldn't even find the strength to lift his head up so as to watch the Orpheon shatter into pieces. Even still, the clamor of engines burning and steel snapping now dominating a portion of Tallon's atmosphere made the frigate's fate crystal clear. A few minutes had passed before Toon could roll over and investigate the damages. His tunic was torn open, as were multiple areas on his skin. His arms were bloody, and if he'd had any pain left to feel, he would've felt it all concentrated in his probably broken ribs. He saw his wounds clearly, and yet he couldn't begin to process them. He just laid his head back and felt his being melt into the ground. The starry sky above him blurred into a miasma of colors and sensations and...whatevers. Toon couldn't put words to anything anymore. He felt a certain emptiness. A missingness. The lack of whatever it is that pulls you off of your bed in the morning. Is this what it meant to "die"? How could Toon possibly die when he'd yet to figure out what it meant to live? Toon couldn't be bothered to find the answer. Perhaps that was the life Toon was missing right now. The drive to find answers, the ability to think. Toon's brain lingered on this idea as the stars above him flickered out, and everything went black.

It was in both a lifetime and an instant that Toon recognized a new sensation. What exactly was this new feeling, he wondered. A touch? A sound? It was definitely a sound, this quiet humming in the back of his head. Why was it that this sound was so familiar to him? He'd thought about it so much, he didn't even notice his vision return to him. He was propped against a big moist rock. Craning his head down, Toon saw his arms and legs, covered in blisters and wrapped up in gauze. The gauze was entirely red, but he felt like it was supposed to be white.

"Toon!"

Toon suddenly recognized the humming as words, a voice. Toon turned and saw Dr. Mario standing over him, dripping with sweat.

"Hey, Doc," Toon murmured through his daze, "What are you doing here?"

"This is-a where you told me to go, Toon. To that-a crater down south."

Sure enough, Toon looked to his left and saw a massive pit in the crust of the planet. A stone temple decorated with bird heads poked out of the center of the crater.

"Well what am I doing here?"

"I saw the Orpheon-a crash an hour ago. I ran over to the crash site, and-a found you lying there like this, so I brought you here."

"Hmm. The Orpheon." Toon licked his plasticy lips as he regained some more of his cognisance. He sat up, rubbing his head. "You wouldn't believe all the shit that happened on the Orpheon when you bailed."

"You know, _we_ were-a supposed to bail together. Why did you step out of the escape pod?"

"I wanted to say my goodbyes. Because I was a dud, the Space Pirates never bothered to give me Link's memories. To you, the Orpheon's just some ship, but for me, it's the only thing I've ever known."

"Well you should've-a told me you left the pod!"

"I did!"

"...You did?"

"Yeah!"

Dr. Mario rubbed his ears as he looked away from his friend. "I'm-a sorry, Toon. I couldn't hear you over this-a ringing in my ears."

"Still, dude? That explosion in the reactor core was so long ago. How aren't your ears better by now?"

Dr. Mario thought about this for a moment. Wiping off some of the sweat on his brow, the doctor retrieved Monita from his coat.

"Monita, can you-a check some symptoms for me?"

"AFFIRMATIVE. PLEASE LIST YOUR SPECIES, SEX, AND AGE."

"Human, male, and-a 25."

"LIST YOUR CURRENT SYMPTOMS."

"Hmm...ear ringing...anxiety...lots of-a sweat."

"LIST ANY MEDICATION YOU HAVE USED OR ARE CURRENTLY USING."

"None."

"ANALYZING SYMPTOMS...MODERATELY PROBABLE MATCH FOUND: COCAINE ABUSE."

"That doesn't sound right." Toon Link rubbed his chin as he thought about the results, peeling some skin off as he rubbed. "I don't recall you ever using anything like that." Just then, Toon snapped his fingers "Wait! You did use something! That bupivacaine we shot into your ankle!"

"That's-a right! Monita, add bupivacaine to my medical history and search again."

"ANALYZING SYMPTOMS...HIGHLY PROBABLE MATCH FOUND: CARDIOTOXICITY."

"I feel like she said that word earlier," Toon said. "Monita, explain that!"

"CARDIOTOXICITY IS A CONDITION WHERE THERE IS DAMAGE TO THE HEART MUSCLE. BUPIVACAINE IS MARKEDLY CARDIOTOXIC, AND INCORRECT ADMINISTRATION CAN LEAD TO ADVERSE EFFECTS WITHIN THE CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM, SUCH AS ANXIETY AND TINNITUS."

"So that's what it is! At least we know this is as bad as it gets."

"CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM EFFECTS SHOULD BE CLOSELY MONITORED, AS PATIENTS EXPERIENCING CARDIOTOXICITY ARE AT RISK OF A SEIZURE OR COMA."

"...Well...at least we know this isn't as bad as it gets, and that we should feel lucky."

Dr. Mario dropped onto the ground, cradling his head in his hands. "This is-a horrible! What am I going to do!?"

"Hey, hey, don't panic, buddy! I'm here for you, we'll take care of this. Look, I've been losing blood like a pig for an hour, and you could drop into a permanap any second now. Clearly we're not doing too hot, so let's just find somewhere to patch ourselves up. There's a bunch of Space Pirates on this planet, they've got to have somewhere to fix their weird disgusting bug bodies. Does that sound okay, bud?"

Toon Link put a flaky hand on the doctor's shoulder. Dr. Mario took a deep breath as he rubbed his sweaty temples.

"Alright. That-a sounds like our best bet." Dr. Mario rose up and looked around the crater. "The question is where do we-a go now?"

* * *

Lord Ganondorf's castle overlooked a rocky wasteland, devoid of any signs of life. The bleaky black castle itself hovered over a portal into oblivion. Metal was wrapped around the castle like a cage, and spires shot out from its base into the sky. And atop the highest tower, a dragon had perched himself, concealed behind clouds that reeked of brimstone. His eyes radiated a traffic cone type of orange, as did the cellophane wings that wrapped around his body. His dull metal arm creaked as he pressed a button on the side of his head.

"O'Donnell," the dragon hissed, an electric noise buzzing behind his words, "is the Orpheon still inoperable?"

"That's putting it generously, Ridley," Wolf replied through the dragon's transceiver. "It crashed on Tallon IV. You'd be lucky to salvage a working door out of that scrap heap."

Ridley growled, his feet ripping out stones from the spire beneath him. "That frigate was one of the most valuable units in my entire fleet. Any news on the clone?"

"He escaped to the planet's surface before the crash. The more I'm pursuing him, the more I'm thinking your hypothesis was right."

"You think it really was that clone that crashed my ship?"

"Mhm. I ran into a friend the clone made, who called him 'Doc'. A doctor sounds like a good candidate for the one who threw that pill into the reactor, no?"

"I knew it." Ridley's metal jaw fumed with smoke. "I knew I shouldn't have let these idiots turn my ship into a playground for their lab experiments. And what's this about a friend, O'Donnell?"

"Mario's clone got cozy with another clone. Some short fry in green, called himself...Lee...Lin?...uh-"

"Link?"

"Link, that's it! Think he called himself Cartoon Link, actually-"

"The Link defect was supposed to be jettisoned out of the trash chute hours ago!"

"Yeah, well if there's anything I've learned about the kid, he can be pretty persistent."

"Well what did you do with the defect?"

"I let him leave."

"You let him leave!?"

"Okay, I get how that sounds, but hear me out. I tried to get the little twerp to lead Mario's clone to one of your bases, but he wouldn't work with me. I could've killed him right then and there, but I figured if he wouldn't bring the clone to us, we could just have him bring us to the clone. I slapped a tracker on the back of his head in the radio station, put up a bit of a fight so he wouldn't get suspicious, and then let him jump off the ship. His signal's currently moving, hopefully he's trailing his pal."

"Alright. I'll tell my bases to be on the lookout. Ridley out." Ridley turned off his transceiver, though it did nothing to turn off his rage. "Dimentio, that slime. First he needs me to drop everything I'm doing and look after a culture like I'm his biology teacher, then he has me clone that slovenly human, and now my frigate's been destroyed because of him! The next time I see that vacuous cretin, I'll bite off his salaciously incredulent grin!"

"Calm yourself, Ridley, before you run through the entire dictionary!"

Ridley snapped his head around to see Dimentio floating behind him, flashing his trademark smile. Ridley wretched at the sight.

"Choose your words carefully, Dimentio. If Ganondorf didn't place such unwarranted prestige on you, I'd kill you where you stand."

Dimentio jingled as he gyrated with laughter. "Ah ha ha! What's with this hostility, Ridley? I know we're not the best of friends, but I was hoping our cooperation on our experiments could allow us to grow closer."

"Our 'cooperation' blew up my frigate!"

Dimentio's jingling went dead silent.

"...Blew up? You mean the Orpheon is-"

"Gone. Crashed. Blown to hell and back. All because of that clone you insisted was so important."

"Where did the Orpheon crash?"

"What's it matter to you?"

"I just want to know."

"Well for your information, the Orpheon crashed on Tallon IV. It's in the FS-176 solar system, I have research bases on its surface studying-"

Before Ridley could finish, Dimentio vanished without a word - much to Ridley's delight. The dragon didn't refrain from one last snarl, however.

"Hopefully they'll all fall into the impact crater, so that thing nesting down there can take care of them."


	10. A1C10 - Mario Explains Time Travel

If there was anything annoying Mario and his whimsical friends, it was the zealously cutthroat socioeconomic corn maze/minefield that was politics. Bowser, in particular, was in a peculiar political place at the moment. Bowser had to explain to his impoverished Koopa Troop that for the time being, they'd be stationed in the Mushroom Kingdom to protect its citizens after the destruction of Peach's Castle. The entire nation harbored a pretty strong sentiment against the Mushroom Kingdom and all of its fungal topped denizens - a sentiment Bowser was primarily responsible for cultivating. But something as petty as multiple years of armed warfare couldn't possibly outweigh the fate of the universe, could it? Bowser was sure his subjects would be understanding.

"Fuck you, Bowser, you bureaucratic ass kisser!"

The outcry came from an ornery Galoomba as he was restrained by some heavily armored koopatrols. The koopatrols had formed a ring around Bowser out in the courtyard, staving off the once calm and collected mob. Bowser's most loyal advisor, Kamek the older koopa wizard, stood by Bowser's right side. Bowser Jr. sat on the ground squishing bugs on Bowser's left.

Bowser pleaded, "Listen, guys, I know there's some bad blood between us and them, but we all need to work together if we wanna stop the end of the universe."

"Working with the Mushroom Kingdom, I could understand, but working with Mario!?" screamed a Hammer Bros. as he threw his hammer onto the ground and became but a mere Bros, "Mom was right, I should've gone to Business Bros. school."

"Oh c'mon, everyone! What's the worst Mario's ever done to us?"

"With all due respect, your highness," added a skeletal Dry Bones, "Mario straight up killed me. I'm literally a skeleton right now because Mario beat me to death."

The crowd continued to riot and scream. Bowser stamped the ground with his foot as he tried to maintain his composure. But with every scream, every overwhelming stimulus, Bowser felt his lungs fill with smoke. His blood boiled over as he bore the brunt of their anger, until he could no longer restrain his own. Bowser spun around and punched a hole clear through the wall of the castle, bringing every dissenter to silence. He then turned back to his subjects and roared his demands.

"Look, listen! I'm the king around here! What I say goes, and I'm saying we're gonna go to the Mushroom Kingdom, and you're all gonna like it! Any questions!?"

Not a word came from the crowd.

"That's more like it! I've already given you your assignments, so whoever's supposed to be over there, get a move on!" Bowser coughed up some embers as he lumbered back into the castle. "And Bowser Jr's in charge until I get back!"

This prompted a disgruntled groan from the crowd. Bowser Jr. jumped up in joy.

"Woohoo, political power!" Bowser Jr. cried, "I'm gonna eat ice cream for dinner every day!"

Bowser hung around in the doorway, contemplating his decision.

"...Kamek's in charge until I get back," Bowser corrected before completely leaving earshot. It was Bowser Jr's turn to groan, while Kamek jumped up in joy.

"Woohoo, political power!" Kamek cried, "I'm gonna smoke ketamine for dinner every day!"

Bowser stepped back into the castle, with Mario, Peach, and Meta Knight awaiting him.

"So, how did it go?" Peach asked as she cradled the knight.

"Smooth as butter," Bowser answered, fixing his hair, "Not that I expected any less from my ever loyal subjects."

"What did you do that for, then?" Meta Knight asked, gesturing to the hole that had just been punched in the wall.

"Oh, uh, that wasn't me, that was, uh...that was Junior. Junior did that."

"The fist that came through to our side looked a lot bigger than your son's."

"Yeah, poor kid, been retaining a lot of fluid since the last time you saw him."

"We saw him walk outside with you 20 minutes ago."

"It's been 20 minutes already!? Why are we wasting our time talking about this hole then? Let's go!"

The gang hopped on Bowser's Bad Breath Express and chuffed on back to the Mushroom Kingdom, joined by some of Bowser's infantry. As they marched into Toad Town, they attracted the attention of the little parasites known as the Toads.

"**WOWEE, PRINCESS,"** asked a Toad, "**WHAT ARE THESE KOOPAS DOING HERE?"**

"I'm glad you asked, Toad." Peach held her head up and looked over all of her people as she made her announcement. "As we learned earlier today, a grave danger is lurking over our kingdom. Therefore, King Bowser and the Koopa Kingdom have graciously agreed to spare us some of their infantrymen. They'll watch over us until we manage to regain our bearings from this morning's accident. Any questions?"

Bowser shielded himself with one of his koopas, wincing as he prepared for another riot. In response, the Toads simply nodded their heads and murmured amongst themselves as they disbanded. Bowser was almost upset with how easy it had gone.

"Well you guys certainly took that well," Bowser said to some Toads that passed him.

"**YOU PLAYED TENNIS WITH US LAST WEEK," **one of the Toads replied, "**WE'RE ALL COOL."**

"Alright, we should be good to take off now." Peach scanned the Toad littered streets for her advisor. "Toadsworth? Toadsworth, where are you?"

"Tally-ho, Princess!" The voice that called out to her belonged to an elderly Toad. He looked up at her lovingly from under his brown cap as he approached the gang, a walking stick close to his side.

"Oh not this fucking guy," Bowser whispered under his breath; not that whispering saved him from an elbow to the gut courtesy of the princess.

"Who is this?" Meta Knight asked.

"This is Toadsworth. He's looked after me for my entire life." Peach kneeled down and held out Meta Knight so that he and Toadsworth could shake their little baby hands. "Toadsworth, this is Meta Knight. He's the alien that was shot out of the sky this morning."

"Ah, a knight! Smashing!" Toadsworth twirled his moustache in delight. "Now come along! The Toad Express is ready to take off!"

Toadsworth led the gang behind the castle to the aforementioned Toad Express, Princess Peach's pink private jet plane. Some Toads were attending to the plane, including a pilot Toad with a pair of aviators.

"How long should we be in the air for, Toadsworth?" Peach asked.

"About 21 hours due east."

"Ah, fuck dude!" Bowser whined, "My feet are gonna get the pins!"

Toadsworth glared at the Koopa King before pulling Peach aside.

"Princess," Toadsworth whispered, "despite all historical evidence to the contrary, I'll trust your judgement that Bowser's sudden change of heart is genuine. Even still, I'm not sure that I can trust his kind to not bring chaos to our kingdom by accident."

"I understand, Toadsworth, and that's why, effective immediately, you're in charge until I get back." Peach booped Toadsworth on his face as the pilot Toad opened the door to the jet.

"Very well, Princess, I won't disappoint you! Good luck on your trip!" Toadsworth gleefully waved goodbye to the princess as she boarded the plane. "Good luck to you too, Master Mario! You as well, Sir Meta Knight!"

As Bowser boarded the plane, Toadsworth stared at him in silence. Bowser stopped and shot the old geezer an awkward smile. After a few seconds, Toadsworth returned it.

"Safe travels, Bowser," Toadsworth said. Bowser nodded as he continued onto the plane.

"Maybe the old curmudgeon isn't that bad," Bowser said to himself. As the Pilot Toad made his way onto the plane, Toadsworth stopped him by the shoulder.

"I'll pay you 10,000,000 gold coins," Toadsworth whispered to the pilot, "if you shove Bowser off the plane while they're all asleep."

* * *

The interior of the Toad Express was bright pink, with mushroom patterned seats and lacy window curtains. Not a speck of dust could be found inside, and the whole plane smelled of lavender. Even the bathroom door in the back looked pretty, with lacey pink ribbons around the doorknob. The gang melted into the cloudy cushions of the mushroom seats - except for Bowser, who had to cram himself in his with a crack and a clunk. The jet glid off of the ground like a knife cutting through butter; the gang could only tell they were moving because they saw the world shrink beneath them through the window. A chilly gust of air rolled over the heroes.

"Kinda nippy in here," Bowser commented, wrapping his Corinthian pillar-like arms around his body.

"That's what happens when you go up high enough," Peach said, "You breathe fire, don't you? Just heat up the plane that way." Peach giggled at her joke.

"If you say so." With a big puff of air, Bowser readied his fire breath.

"Bowser I was kidding, Jesus Christ!"

Peach had jumped halfway out of her seat to stop the koopa. It was Bowser's turn to laugh, but the others didn't find his bit very funny. Except Meta Knight; he found it a little funny.

Two Toad flight attendants wheeled in a service trolley carrying honey roasted peanuts, and handed them to the gang.

"**HONEY ROASTED NUTS, MR. META KNIGHT?"** a Toad asked, waving a sack of nuts.

"I'll decline," Meta Knight replied, "I'm trained in discipline. I won't be needing any nourishment for this journey. The exhilaration of battle will be enough sustenance for me."

"Fucking nerd," Bowser said as he inhaled some nuts, sack and all, "Refill, please!"

The Toads wheeled away to collect more nuts. The cart made a loud crunch as it was brought away. Mario looked down to investigate; it was a super mushroom, fallen out of Mario's pocket and stamped with a large tread mark. Quite a few power-ups had fallen out of Mario's overstuffed pockets when he sat down, so he transferred their contents to the overhead bin above him.

"So, this friend of yours," Meta Knight asked Mario, "Who is he, exactly? Falcon, you called him?"

Mario stared out the window, watching the sun set behind them. He popped a peanut into his mouth, letting the savory saltiness of the nut take him back to that fateful day in the Pacific.

"I was out-a boating when I met him," Mario started, "This happened over in-a my world. I was listening to-a some music on my boat, when all of a sudden, this-a strange vehicle flew out of a portal in the sky. It tore by so-a fast, my boat was nearly flipped over. The vehicle shot straight into the water, so I swam over to see if I could-a help the pilot. The pilot I pulled out of the water looked...weird. He had these-a bright glowing eyes, a cherry red helmet, and a skin tight uniform that I couldn't-a recognize. I asked him where he was-a from, assuming he'd say he was from the Mushroom Kingdom. Instead, he said he was-a from the 26th century.

"He introduced himself as Captain Falcon. He said he was a racer and a bounty hunter. But he wasn't here for a race, he was here to save his world from some supervillain - Black Shadow, I think his-a name was. I-a didn't really understand what he was saying, but he seemed like a nice-a guy, so I wished him well when he went on his-a way. When he was done, he even-a raced karts with me and the princess. Eventually, though, he hopped back in his ship and said he-a needed to return to his world. But wherever he ended up, it wasn't his world.

"I-a didn't go with him, so I don't know how he found out. But some way or another, Falcon-a found out the world he returned to wasn't the one he-a left behind. Falcon-a travelled back in time to change his future. Instead, he created a new one. In Falcon's original timeline, he had-a never travelled back in-a time; any future he travelled 'back' to from then on would be one where he _had _travelled through-a time, therefore a different world from his own. That meant everything he-a did in my time was the past of this _new _future, not of the original one. And that-a meant he had abandoned his timeline, leaving everyone he knew to die.

"Falcon travelled back and forth between my time and his, doing everything he could think of to get back to his original timeline. But it was-a never any use. And when he finally gave up, when he travelled back for the last time and-a came to me, I could barely recognize him. His-a once glowing eyes were empty, like a star that had burned all of its fuel; in fact, it-a seemed like all light in a room would get sucked away by his presence like a vacuum. I-a tried to help him get back on his feet; we got him an apartment in the Bronx and everything. But it's-a been four years, and he hasn't been the same since. He doesn't even call himself Captain Falcon anymore."

"He still lives in this time?" Meta Knight asked, "Why hasn't he returned to his time?"

"I don't think I could ever understand what it's like to blame yourself for the death of an entire universe, but if I did, I-a can't imagine I'd be able to look anyone from that world in the eye." Mario let out a sigh. Even though Mario didn't know anything about the 26th century, the thought of Jay's world coming to an end still left Mario with a frigid sensation. At the very least, couldn't the man be saved from himself? What was even left of the man? What could a man who placed the deaths of so many on his shoulders even make of-

"Hey, Mario, are you gonna finish those nuts? Those Toads are taking a while." Bowser asked the plumber, the latter lost in thought. "...Hey. Earth to guido. You done with the nuts?"

"Huh?" Mario said, finally pulling his gaze from the window.

"I said are you done with the nuts or not!?"

"Yeah, yeah. They-a taste like packing peanuts, anyway." Mario flung his nuts into Bowser's waiting face. "Relax."

"Don't tell me to relax, I've asked you like three times already! What's so distracting out that window anyway? It's the sky, we see it everyday."

"I-a don't know! Uh, the sunset behind us looked nice."

"Whatever," Bowser grumbled as he tore open his new peanuts, "...Wait. Sunset? The sun is setting behind us?"

"Yeah, look."

Bowser leaned out of his chair and craned his neck to look out of Mario's window. While the sun wasn't exactly setting, it was certainly approaching the horizon.

"The sun sets in the east. Toadsworth said we were supposed to be headed east. Shouldn't the sun be setting in front of us, not behind?"

No one had an answer for this. The air in the room suddenly felt a lot drier.

"That's a good question, Bowser," Peach said, rising out of her seat, "I'll go ask the pilot myself." Peach gracefully swung herself down the hall of the jet, vanishing behind the door. And so, the gang waited for Peach's return. Ever so patiently, minute by minute they waited. Bowser drummed his fingers against the table. Mario kept looking back at the door. Meta Knight hovered his hand over the hilt of his sword. A click broke through the silence of the jet, and the gang jumped out of their seats for a brawl!

"Blimey!" It was just Toadsworth, displayed on a screen that had popped out from the roof.

"Toads really-a know how to scare a man," Mario said, easing his muscles, "What's up, Toadsworth?"

"Well, Master Mario, I had just arrived at the castle when a panicked whippersnapper told me he saw someone fall from the Toad Express just as it took off! I figured I should call in and see if you're all alright!"

"We're all still here," Meta Knight said, "Even the flight attendants were onboard when we left the ground."

"Right, right, well that's good. I'm at the crash site right now, it certainly looks like _something _fell out of the plane." Toadsworth was filming himself on a camera; he turned it around to reveal a small garage adjacent to the runway. Its aluminum roof was dented, with a hole torn straight through it. "I think it'll still be worthwhile to check."

Toadsworth stepped into the garage, faced with a mess of plane parts scattered across the floor. The hole in the roof was the only source of light in the garage, forcing Toadsworth to swat around in the darkness with his walking stick. The old shroom stumbled around until he hit something hard, and which rung like a chime when struck. When Toadsworth pulled back his cane to inspect it, he noticed some water on the end of it.

"Peculiar." Toadsworth stroked his moustache as he leaned in to inspect his discovery. It shined like glass. Toadsworth couldn't quite make it out, but something was trapped inside of it. The old shroom pressed his eye right up against this shiny wet thing, even as cold as it had become, until he could decipher what was inside the crashed thing. Just as quickly as he figured it out, he began to wish he hadn't.

"Eaugh! B-by the stars!" Toadsworth nearly dropped the camera as he jumped back from the foreign object.

"What is it, Toadsworth?" Mario asked.

"Someone did fall out of the plane!"

"What!? Who!?"

"The pilot!"

Mario, Bowser, and Meta Knight all broke into a cold sweat as they exchanged looks between each other and Toadsworth.

"The hell are you talking about!?" Bowser exclaimed.

"I mean it! L-look for yourselves!" Toadsworth turned the camera towards the object. Sure enough, it was the Pilot Toad, his face frozen while warped with fear. He was encased in a massive chunk of ice, intact even after bursting through the roof.

"So who's-a flying the plane?" Mario asked.

"No idea," Meta Knight said as he snapped out his sword, "but whoever they are, they're in the cockpit with the Princess."

"Bowser, stay on the line with-a Toadsworth! Meta Knight, let's-a go!"

Mario and Meta Knight dashed for the door and burst through the other side, ready for whoever may have been waiting there. But instead, it was empty. Not only was the room on the other side empty, however, it also was not the cockpit. In fact, it looked identical to the room they were just in, save for the absence of Bowser and Toadsworth.

"Well, that's not what I was expecting," Mario said, "You think Dimentio is-a here?"

"If not, he was certainly involved." Meta Knight leapt up and perched himself on Mario's shoulder, watching Mario's back as the plumber opened the door...again. Yet again, they found themselves in the same room. Mario's breath began to cloud his vision as he ran; it seemed like every room got colder and colder. Mario ran up to open the third door, but this doorknob wouldn't budge.

"Is-a this one locked?"

"No, Mario, look closer!" Meta Knight gestured at the knob with his sword. As they spoke, a layer of ice was growing thicker and thicker on the doorknob. The whole interior, in fact, was rapidly being swallowed whole by the ice. Unphased, Mario picked up his leg and kicked the door clear open. Yet another replica of the same room awaited, but Princess Peach was standing in this one, looking around in the room out of sorts.

"Mario! Meta Knight!" Peach said to her friends, "What's going on with these rooms!? Where is this ice coming from!?"

"We-a don't know," Mario said as he ran up to the Princess, "but we're in-a danger! Toadsworth found the pilot frozen by the runway, and we don't know who's in the cockpit!"

"The ice is our bigger problem. Let's get Bowser to melt it!"

The three dashed back through the door, nearly slipping on the frozen floor as they ran. The doors behind them were coated with so much ice now that Meta Knight had to cut them down with his blade.

"Bowser!" Mario called as they all stepped back into the backmost room, "You need to-a thaw this plane!"

And yet, on the other side, there was no answer. In fact, Bowser himself had vanished. It was getting hard to see the plane underneath the ice by this point; the back half of the room, in particular, was cut off by a massive block of ice. Toadsworth's screen had succumbed to the cold, its display now pure black.

"Where's Bowser?" Peach thought aloud.

"Unless he jumped out, he has to be in this room." Meta Knight looked around the room, trying to confirm his judgement call. "The only way out is through the rooms we already passed through."

"There's the bathroom, too," Mario said as he walked up to the wall of ice, "but it looks like it's-a been frozen shut."

Mario leaned into the ice, trying to get a good look at the bathroom door. His view was obscured, but, as he soon realized, not just by the clouding ice. Something big was fixed in the ice. Something living. Something trying to blink.

"Mama Mia…" Mario whispered to himself, feeling his bones curl as he realized what he was looking at.

"Mario?" Peach said, "What's the matter-huh!?"

The gang stared in horror at the creature in the ice; Bowser, pinned in the air as he reached out to the ice wall. He was putting up an ugly scowl, but his eyes were shot with panic.

Meta Knight unfurled his wings and leapt into the air.

"Mario! Princess!" Meta Knight warned, "Keep your feet off the ground!"

Mario tore his eyes from the frozen turtle to the ground beneath him. His own boots were being consumed by the glossy monster on the floor. With a shriek, he jumped and broke his feet free. It only staved off the ice for a second, though; Mario had to jump on the ice like a child playing hopscotch. Peach, however, wasn't moving.

"Princess! Why aren't you moving!?" Meta Knight asked.

"I'm trying to!" Peach pulled up her dress, ripping it at the bottom where it had frozen to the floor. Sure enough, ice had already crawled up to Peach's knees, and showed no intent to slow down. Peach and Mario turned nearly as white as the ice itself.

"Hold on, Peach! I'll-a free you with a fire flower!" Mario reached up for the overhead bin. As he ran his fingers over it, though, there was only more ice. Meta Knight watched as Mario pawed at the frozen door.

"Mario, was that bin full when you put your luggage in?" Meta Knight asked, "Or was there empty space leftover?"

"Huh? I think there-a was, I'm not-a sure. Why do you need to-a know?"

"I'm trying to visualize the inside of the bin. I need to understand the area."

"How does that-a help!? It's-a frozen! We need to do something productive!"

"Meta Knight," Peach requested, "cut off my legs!"

"Yeah, you-a heard her, cut off her-cut off your what!?" Mario looked over at the Princess in confusion. The ice had creeped halfway up her body, moving faster by the second.

"The ice is almost at my hips now, Mario. If it gets to my brain, I'm done for."

"You're-a done for if you bleed out, too! We're-a not cutting off your legs!" Mario jerked his head back at the knight. "You're-a not cutting off her legs!"

Meta Knight's gaze hadn't left the overhead bin. He grabbed the edge of his silky cape and wrapped it around his little body.

"Are you even paying attention!?" Mario reached down to shove Meta Knight, but with a puff of wind, Meta Knight vanished into thin air. Mario couldn't even catch his breath to process what he saw before Meta Knight reappeared, now with a fire flower in his hand.

"Here." Meta Knight nonchalantly handed the flower to Mario, as if this wasn't the first time he ghosted out of our plane of existence in front of the plumber. Mario swallowed every question he had and took the flower. He crushed the round, orange flower in his hand, releasing a surge of warmth that flowed into his being. With a flick of his wrist, a sphere of fire shot out of his hand. He caught it in the other, bouncing the flames between his hands in a volley.

"We have to-a melt you, Princess, but I don't want to burn you, either."

Mario brought his fire volley as close as he could to the princess's skin, but the ice didn't relent. It had most of Peach's chest in its grip now.

"What if we start a fire? One bigger than the fireball," Meta Knight proposed. Mario looked around for a good firestarter. The walls? Who knew what they were made of, and if they were even inflammable. The carpets? It would catch, but for how long? The floor was the coldest area in the room right now. The cushions! That was it! Mario gripped his fireball and slung it at the chair. Some ice chipped off, but the chair wasn't free just yet. He had to throw a few more until the head of the seat managed to catch on fire.

"Princess!" Mario yelled, "Hold your head near-a the fire!"

Peach placed her hands on the sides of the chair for support and held her neck right up against the chair. As the flames on the chair crackled, the ice finally slowed to a halt at the base of her head.

"Phew." Mario rubbed his forehead, dry as it had become under the arid oppression of the ice. "So, Princess, are you-a alright-"

"Mario, arm. Now," the princess said.

"What-?"

"Put your arm in front of my face now!"

Mario did as the princess instructed. The princess dug her nose into his elbow and let out a hearty sneeze.

"Thank you, Mario. The smoke is bothering my nose, and I didn't want to put out the fire."

"Eck." Mario pulled his arm away in disgust. "My arm's-a wet."

"At least you can still feel your arms!" Peach looked at Mario through bloodshot eyes. Tears dribbled down her cheeks, freezing solid as they reached the bottom of her face. "I feel like my fingers could snap off any second."

"The Princess raises a good point," Meta Knight said, "Her brain may not be iced, but it still isn't safe for the rest of her body to be frozen like this. Even Bowser, big as he is, won't last very long like that."

"So how do we-a stop this ice?" Mario asked.

"We can't. If we find the one on this plane who can stop it, though, I'm sure we could...convince them."

"You're right. Princess, will you be alright-a here?"

"I won't be _great_, but I'll be fine." Peach gave her friends a gentle smile. "Go get 'em, super stars."

Mario and Meta Knight turned to each other again. They nodded, their eyes brimming with determination. Meta Knight perched himself on Mario's shoulder, and together, they ran out the door to face their frigid foe.


	11. A1C11 - The Cold-Blooded Little Girl

Mario and Meta Knight had ran through at least five rooms with no sign of their attacker. Even as they fended off the ice, the sheer cold was starting to get to the two. Mario's lips had turned blue, and Meta Knight had to peel his cape off of his back. He wrapped the cape around himself and Mario, engulfing them both in a starry void.

"I'll try to warp us past the door," Meta Knight said. A dark surge of energy pulsed from his body, radiating throughout the rest of the void. But when Meta Knight threw open his cape, they were just in another version of the room.

"That-a fiend," Mario said, "is probably-a waiting in the cockpit, while we exhaust ourselves in this-a maze."

Meta Knight nodded. "You're probably right. But perhaps it's just the doors that have this curse on them. Do you think you can thaw the windows with your fire power? It'd be dangerous, but we could crawl along the side of the plane to the cockpit."

Mario looked over at the frosted windows - the simple turning of his neck cracked his skin in several places. He slugged a dozen fireballs at the window to melt the ice, and then struck it with a wheel kick. In the half second it took for his boot to hit the window, though, the ice had already grown back. The window didn't even budge.

"This ice is-a too fast. Meta Knight, you teleported into the overhead bin. Can't you just-a teleport out the window?"

"My warping isn't perfect. You probably didn't notice it since we were standing still, but there's a brief delay after one warps with my cape, where they can't move for a split second. It's not usually a problem on the ground, but if I spent that split second outside of the plane, the plane would fly miles ahead of me before I could warp again."

"So then what do we-a do?"

"If we can't get to them, we'll have to get them to come to us."

The two went silent. They had their goal, but the path wasn't clear. Mario tried to think of an answer, but he could barely think at all over the sound of his feet. The alternating hopping of his feet had not only grown painful, but also quite noisy.

Just then, a spark flickered in Mario's eyes. He stopped hopping, allowing the ice to travel up his feet.

"Keep moving, Mario!" Meta Knight warned, "Your feet are-!"

"Shh!" Mario whispered, "I know what I'm-a doing."

And that was when Mario bent over and set the bottom of his pants on fire.

"...I'm still not sure I understand your reasoning," Meta Knight whispered.

"If our enemy really is-a waiting for us to die in the cockpit, he has to have some-a way to know when we actually-a bite it. And he definitely isn't-a watching us. Even if he put cameras in the plane, they would've frozen and become unusable. The only way he can-a monitor us is by listening. By hearing us move. He's-a waiting until none of us are-a hopping, because that-a means we've all-a frozen. I'll let my feet freeze to lure him out - the fire on my overalls should keep the ice on just-a my shoes."

Mario and Meta Knight turned their gaze towards the door. If Mario's assumption was right, their assailant would step out of that door at any second. Mario readied a ball of fire, and Meta Knight reeled back his sword. The both of them felt a searing pain in their extremities, and the air in the plane felt like sand in their throats. Regardless, their focus was locked on the door, ready to throw whatever life they had left in them at their opponent.

The door swung open. Mario chucked his fireball before he could even make out what was on the other side. The flame made contact, sending ice shards and spurts of water flying. The door began to close, but in a single slash, Meta Knight flew across the entire room and diced the door into pieces. With no other options, the opponent barged through the doorway, leaving the exit frozen solid. Mario kicked off his shoes, slapping the fire on his pants out.

Much to the surprise of Mario and Meta Knight, their attacker was a mere little girl. Her skin was sky blue, and she had fuzzy yellow earmuffs on her head. She fluttered in the air in a dress a size too large for her body, and she'd encased herself in a bubble of ice. The ice was somehow able to squish through the door frame, bending and pinching like a big drop of water.

"Well, well, well," the little fairy said, "I didn't take you two as being smart enough to figure out about the looping spell Dimentio helped me cast on this door. That's the last time you'll surprise me."

"So," Mario said to the girl, "you're-a the one trying to put us on ice, huh?"

"Guilty as charged!" The fairy let out a snorty laugh. "The name's Blizzaurus. Hired hand to the Villainoct, and the keeper of this icy tomb of yours."

"Hired hand?" Meta Knight remarked, "So you're scum who kills for money?"

"No no, Mr. Knight! I was hired, but not with money. It was the thrill of the hunt that sold me."

"What?"

Blizzaurus took out a golden wand and embraced it, much like you'd hold a lover.

"It's true, it's gotten so lonely in my glacier; everyone there has been frozen solid. Some by the hands of mother nature. Some by my own. Either way, no one wants to play with poor Blizzaurus anymore. So when I got the opportunity to have some fun with the rulers of the two biggest kingdoms on this side of the planet, as well as the one and only Super Mario, I couldn't refuse! The Villainoct even agreed to let me keep you once I've turned you all into popsicles. The three of you, plus this strange knight from another world, will make wonderful additions to my collection!"

Her face bent into a twisted grin, and the manic pixie waved her wand in the air. Mario and Meta Knight stepped back as the crystal tip of the wand glowed a vivid blue. The ice on the walls rumbled, throbbing like the insides of a living being. An icicle shot out! Mario jumped just in time to avoid his head being impaled by the frozen spear poking out from the wall.

"Let's dance!" Blizzaurus laughed as she waved her wand in the air, like a conductor leading her band. At her command, the plane's frozen teeth gnawed on the heroes without relent. Mario's portly figure did a surprisingly good job avoiding the ice, jumping over and around the frozen waves. Meta Knight weaved his squishy body through the torrent of icicles and struck the fairy's bubble, but his sword merely bounced off of it without leaving a scratch.

"Mario, give me an opening!" Meta Knight cried, "We just need to pry that wand from her hand, and we can use it to reverse the spell!"

Mario took a break from dancing through the blizzard to fling a fireball Blizzaurus' way. Blizzaurus rolled out of its path, cackling as she readied another icicle to throw at Mario. He took a step to move out of its way, but it was one step too late. The glistening point pierced Mario's shoulder, pinning the plumber to the wall behind him. Mario lunged forward to rip himself off the wall as quickly as he could. Still, the wall managed to take off the back of Mario's shirt, and even some skin.

"I'm not going too easy on you boys, am I?" Blizzaurus whipped her wand around so hard that she began to sweat. The ice wall snapped forward, racing to crush Mario into a thin red paste. Before it had the chance, though, Meta Knight leapt and kicked Mario in the jaw, sending the plumber flying out of the way. Blizzaurus growled as she charged the knight with a ring of spears, but Meta Knight blocked every one, shredding the ice with a flurry of slashes.

"Ho ho! Predictable predictable, Mr. Knight!" Blizzaurus taunted, "You reacted exactly the way I expected you to, forgetting that the ice is completely under my control! It doesn't just freeze; it does whatever I wish!"

Meta Knight watched as the flurry of ice trimmings he'd made floated in the air. With a snap of the sprite's wand, the cloud burst into two. One half engulfed Meta Knight, with every shard of ice digging into his soft blue skin. The knight cried out in pain, bumping into the wall before falling onto the floor. The other storm of blades flew towards Mario. He jerked his head around to find an escape route, but the mist morphed as it soared through the air, ready to follow its prey.

"What's the matter, Mario!?" Blizzaurus hissed, "Got cold feet! Hahahahaha!"

But Mario's stare suddenly burned with tenacity. Reaching behind his head, he unfurled a yellow cape from under his shirt collar. And with a hearty whip, he blew the cloud of ice straight back at the fairy! It fogged up her ice bubble, bringing her flight through the air to a halt.

"What!?"

Blizzaurus spun her ice bubble around to get a clear look outside, but only did so just in time to see Mario fling another fireball her way. It made contact, fracturing the fairy's bubble. Meta Knight wasted no time in hurling his sword at the sprite. It landed right in one of the cracks on her shield. The bubble burst open, shattering into several large fragments, even blowing a window clear open. Blizzaurus was sucked out of the jet before the ice grew back and sealed the hole shut. Mario let out a deep sigh, not realizing how much air he'd been holding in his lungs.

"Don't relax yet, Mario," Meta Knight said as he was consumed by the ice on the floor, "I need you to hit me with one of your fireballs."

"Head on?" Mario replied, "I don't-a think that's a good idea. It could do more harm than-a good."

"No no, I can take it. Just hurry up and do it already."

"What if we just light another chair on fire?"

"Not enough time, hurry up, Mario."

"But what if-"

"Mario, if you don't hit me with that fucking hand right now, I'm gonna cut it off!"

Mario recoiled at Meta Knight's outburst, sending a fireball his way. Meta Knight bit back a scream of agony, but sure enough, the fire freed him from the floor.

"I didn't know you were so-a vulgar," Mario said.

"I didn't know you were wearing a blanket." Meta Knight pointed to Mario's cape as he pulled his sword from the ground.

"Oh, this?" Mario chuckled as he tucked his cape back into his shirt. "It's-a handier than you'd think. It's a power-up I always keep on-a hand."

"If it's so handy, make it bring back the wand that just got shot out of the plane along with that little goblin."

Meta Knight had a point. The ice only seemed to grow faster with Blizzaurus gone, as if it were vengeful for its master.

"We opened up the cockpit. How about we try to just-a land the plane, and get everyone out?"

"I can land it," Meta Knight said, wrapping himself in his cape to warp, "You should go check on the princess and Bowser."

Mario nodded and ran back through the door. Meta Knight warped past the frozen doorway, and into the cockpit. The cockpit seemed to be safe from the frigid infection within the rest of the plane, with the dashboard being free of any ice. Meta Knight fluttered over the dashboard to get a look below the plane out of the window. The plane was just approaching a dolphin shaped tropical island, covered in greenery and with a volcano crowning its head. A thin white airstrip hung off by the shore of the island. Meta Knight grabbed the controls, dipping the plane down towards the strip.

Just as the plane descended, however, a surge of blue energy crackled out from behind! The descent of the plane kept it from taking the full brunt, but the sheer momentum of the blast knocked Meta Knight off of his feet. When he regained his bearings, he kicked open a window, grabbed onto the sill to keep himself inside, and looked behind the plane. It was Blizzaurus behind them for sure, but her form had changed. Her body had swollen, nearly to the size of the plane itself. Her mouth had contorted into a jagged maw while leathery wings carried her through the air. Slushy snow dripped from her muzzle as she prepared another beam of ice.

Meta Knight leapt back to the controls and sent the plane diving down; swerving left, zipping around, doing whatever he could to get out of her path. But the ice dragon only gained on them, throwing grace to the wind as she barraged the island below with frosty shots. The plane was starting to skim the surface of the island now, and they were fast approaching a lively rustic little city. Meta Knight gripped the controls and took in a deep breath.

"Never let it be said," he said to himself, "that I'm not a man who enjoys a little danger."

Meta Knight sent the plane flying full throttle into the plaza. Vibrantly dressed locals leapt out of the way, but Meta Knight could only focus on lacing between houses and statues. Blizzaurus scraped her underside against the town hall building, knocking off a few shingles, but the distance between her and the jet hadn't grown an inch. Not backing down, Meta Knight eyed a bell tower by the shore as he barreled past it. With his hands racing a hundred buttons per second, he looped the plane up into the air and back around towards the bell tower. Blizzaurus was only a few feet away from them now, and Meta Knight was counting on it. He cut the wheel, forcing the plane into a sharp turn around the tower. Blizzaurus tried to roll to dodge the tower, but she crashed straight through it anyway. The bell was knocked into the water with a salty splash.

"Come at me!" Meta Knight cheered. Just as quickly as it came out, he wrapped his wings around his body to contain his excitement. The plane took off from the plaza, leaving Blizzaurus behind. But Blizzaurus only snarled, shaking off the rubble from the tower as she shot out into the air. Her massive form dove surprisingly quickly into the water off the shore. She burst out a few seconds later, bringing a cascade of water up with her; with her subzero breath, she froze the wave solid, creating a wall right in front of the Toad Express. Meta Knight heaved on the controls, just gracing the ice wall as he swerved the plane away. Evading the ice wall, however, set the plane dead on a collision course with a shoreline harbor. He turned to the left to dodge a moss covered storage unit, but the plane crashed into the steam stack of a docked cargo freighter. The turbine on the right wing burst into flames on contact.

"Damnit!" Meta Knight slammed his fist into the dash as embers trickled past the plane. Blizzaurus hadn't even taken a scratch from her crash with the tower; without Mario to lower her guard, could Meta Knight even combat the ice dragon?

But the corrosive smell of cinder and ash pouring from the right turbine came with an idea. Meta Knight reared the plane's nose straight up into the air. His little body dangled from the controls. And yet he held on, dipping his head out the window. Just as planned, Blizzaurus was still trailing behind - or rather, below now - ready to blast the jet with another ray of ice. Just a few hundred more feet in the air and Meta Knight could take care of this monster once and for all. Steady now, steady.

And when the moment was just right, Meta Knight flung himself out the window. The drag of the air outside sucked Meta Knight down towards the ground, and in the split second he passed by the left turbine, he sliced it clean off of the plane with a single sword stroke! The turbine dropped like a lead balloon, plummeting until it broke over Blizzaurus' head. Her shield burst into snow and steam on contact, and she let out a throaty roar. But Meta Knight had no time to cheer. Looking back into the sky, he watched as the plane ground to a halt in the air. The engine must've stalled. Before he knew it, Meta Knight saw the plane hurtle towards the Earth, spinning through the air like a dreidel. Again, all according to plan. Perhaps the plan could've used some reworking.

Regardless, Meta Knight flapped over to position himself under the plane. He fell perfectly through the front window, slamming into the wall of the cockpit. He leapt over to the dashboard and took the wheel, nearly ripping it out of its socket to try and stabilize the jet. Right now, the plane was stuck in a nose dive for the island below, so Meta Knight got a good view of his impending tropical demise below. But Meta Knight held on with no room for fear in his mind; all he could think of was the hope, the certainty that he and his friends would survive. As if it had heard Meta Knight's resolve, the plane slowly lifted back into a horizontal glide. The underside even skimmed a tree, but the plane was stable. For now.

"We may not be headed straight for the ground," Meta Knight said to himself, "but with no turbines, we're only delaying a horrible crash. We need to leave before that happens."

Meta Knight warped out of the cockpit and zipped over to the back of the plane. The ice was still persisting, and how they'd even leave the plane with the ice around wasn't clear, but Meta Knight and Mario would just have to figure it out.

"Mario! Princess! We-"

Meta Knight had just begun to warn Mario before he realized it was too late; somehow, Mario had ended up on his back on the floor, and was now entirely encased in ice. The princess was also frozen, having slumped over and rested her face against the back of the couch.

"Predictable predictable."

The voice was irritatingly unforgettable, like a bad song from 10 years ago. Meta Knight turned around to see none other than Blizzaurus. She was back in her fairy form, though her ice shield was noticeably absent. Still, she had a bloodthirsty smile on her soft little face.

"You know, you keep talking about how predictable we are," Meta Knight replied, "yet you keep falling for all of our attacks."

"It's simple reverse psychology, Mr. Knight! A simple distraction!" Blizzaurus straightened out her dress as she grinned at her own genius. "Like how I pursued you just now in my dragon form? A distraction! I just needed to chase you so that you'd pull those crazy aerial maneuvers! A vertical stall, a 90 degree angle turn. I can only imagine all the g-forces everyone in here was under! Sure, maybe a being like you with such small extremities wouldn't really mind it. But human beings like Mario and Peach with long legs for all of their blood to pool in could never handle the turns you were making without experiencing G-LOC. G-force induced loss of consciousness. It doesn't last very long, but they only needed to pass out for a second for my ice to capture them. Hehehe! I know everything the lot of you will do before you even do it!"

"Is that so?" Meta Knight absorbed Blizzaurus' taunts, his breathing steady and his stare unrelenting. "I'll save you some trouble then. No need to predict my next move; I'll lay it out for you clearly. First, I'll evade whatever attack you have prepared. I'll then swoop in right underneath your chin. Once there, I'll drive my sword clean through your throat. That's how you'll meet your end. If you're so weak that you can't even maintain your draconic form, then it shouldn't be too difficult to manage."

"Pfft! Some nerve!" Blizzaurus scoffed, her grin whisked away, "Don't take me to be so easily manipulated. I haven't just planned for the one thing you _would_ do, but for everything you _could_ do!"

Blizzaurus waved her wand again, rushing Meta Knight with her ice spears. Meta Knight danced through them effortlessly; even the odd few he couldn't avoid, he slashed into pieces. And with every icicle he evaded, Meta Knight inched closer and closer to the fairy. Blizzaurus felt a lump swell up in her throat as her reflection stared back at her from Meta Knight's sword.

"Stay away from me, Mr. Knight! You may be able to escape my attacks, but your friends can't!"

Blizzaurus trained her arctic blades on the frozen Mario stuck on the floor. Meta Knight jumped to cover Mario, just as Blizzaurus dropped her anemone of icy pain. Meta Knight swung his sword so quickly that it could barely be seen, looking more like a golden ribbon turning the ice into powder. Once the dust had settled, Meta Knight sprung to charge Blizzaurus, but his feet didn't move with him.

"Hah! Just as I planned for!" Blizzaurus snickered.

Sure enough, while saving Mario, Meta Knight had accidentally perched himself on Mario's frozen body. The ice had crawled from Mario's chest to Meta Knight's feet, pinning him to the floor.

"I did want to add your frozen bodies to my trophy collection, but you're becoming more trouble than you're worth. I think I'll just crash this plane...with no survivors!"

Blizzaurus zipped out the door, her grating laugh trailing behind her.

And yet, Meta Knight remained calm. He drew back his sword and threw it through the open doorway. The air whistled as it was cut by the twirling blade. Meta Knight wrapped himself in his cape. The cape began to freeze onto him like a cage, but he was still able to warp. Blizzaurus had just made it to the frozen doorway of the cockpit when she felt a gust of wind blow by her. She whizzed back, just before Meta Knight warped into the room. With his cape stuck to his body, Meta Knight dropped onto the floor like a rock.

"Well color me impressed!" Blizzaurus taunted, "I didn't think you'd be able to peel yourself off the floor. Still, it won't do much to help you win, Mr. Knight; my ice will never let you go, no matter where you-!"

Before Blizzaurus could finish, Meta Knight's sword flew in through the door, impaling Blizzaurus straight through the back of her neck. She dropped her wand and fell onto her knees while coughing up blood. Meta Knight slipped his nub out from the restraints of his cape. He stretched his nub out as far as he could, snatching the wand as it rolled by on the floor. With a wave, he felt his desires resonating in the wand's gem, and the ice vanished in a flash of steam. Meta Knight unfurled his wings and jumped onto Blizzaurus' head.

"Take notes. There's a reason I avoid small talk during a fight." Meta Knight gripped the hilt of his sword and ripped it out of the sprite's neck. She fell silently into a puddle of her blood. Meta Knight unfurled his wings, gave them a well overdue stretch, and flew to the back room of the plane. In the back, Peach and Bowser, while free from the ice, were still unconscious. Mario was just now getting back up to his feet.

"The ice," Mario said, "it's-a gone."

"And so are we." Meta Knight fluttered over to Bowser, poking his scaly face. "Get the princess up. The turbines are shot. I'll try and land the plane, but we'll probably have to jump."

But while they were getting up, Blizzaurus pushed herself up off the floor. She gritted through the tears and snot running down her face. Liquid hate bubbled in the back of her wounded throat, burning down her arm as she retrieved a remote from her pocket. She pressed the remote's one button before collapsing back onto the ground, and on her command, secret charges rigged on the side of the plane went off. With a scorching explosion, the bombs punched a hole through the plane's metal shell. Peach and Bowser were sucked out of the plane, with Meta Knight only hanging on by driving his sword into the floor. Mario latched on to Meta Knight, only to let go a second later.

"Princess!" Mario yelled.

Meta Knight pulled his sword out of the plane, allowing himself to fall out as well. Mario tucked his arms in and dived for the princess. His nose jiggled against the wind, but Mario forced his eyes open as he plummeted towards the princess. When she was just in reach, Mario grabbed onto her arm with one hand and whipped out his cape with the other. The cape billowed out into a parachute, and Mario and Peach ground to a graceful halt.

"Nice work!" Meta Knight shouted as he fell past them, "I've got Bowser!"

Meta Knight stretched out his sword and began to twirl through the air, the tip of his blade acting like the point of a drill. The island was only a thousand feet away and Bowser's eyes shot open with terror, but Meta Knight kept on his dizzying pursuit, getting closer and closer. It wasn't very encouraging to watch Bowser resign to his fate and fold in on himself like a pill bug. But when he got to see the koopa's confusion as the former pulled him into the cape's dark void, Meta Knight felt he earned the tiny chuckle that came over him. Meta Knight opened up his cape, and the Koopa King gently flopped onto a shingled roof. Mario and Peach drifted onto the rooftop shortly afterward.

"Is everyone alright?" Meta Knight asked.

"Well, other than just being dropped hundreds of feet in the air and sucked into some sort of abyss, I'm alright," Bowser replied, "I'm a little cold, too."

"Well, if everyone's here, than I guess we can-"

Meta Knight was cut off by a visceral scream. Two, in fact. The gang looked up and saw the two Toad flight attendants plunging to their doom.

"The flight attendants!" Meta Knight grabbed his cape, ready to warp, but Mario placed a hand on his shoulder. Or wherever a shoulder might exist on a being with no arms.

"Don't worry, they'll be-a fine."

The Toads crashed into the ground, only to bounce off with their chitinous mushroom heads. Once they landed, they stopped screaming and deactivated as they usually do.

"Sometimes, you'd wish they could die," Bowser said, "but they were here before us and they'll be here long after us."

"Ugh…" Peach grumbled, rubbing her eyes as she awoke, "where are we?"

"Yeah, where are we?" Bowser looked around the island. They had ended up back in the plaza from earlier. "Certainly doesn't look like Hyrule-...oh no. Oh Goddamnit, no!" Bowser held his head as he stared at the sun shaped monument in the center of town. Its glossy metal shined like the real deal, and it was propped over a canal by a massive stone gate.

"What's the matter?" Meta Knight asked.

"What's the matter!? That's the Shine Gate! We're on Isle Delfino! These people are gonna kill me!"

"Why's that? Are the locals unfriendly?"

"Oh, no, they're very friendly. I just invaded this place a while back with my son. Released a giant squid, caused a lot of property damage, somehow I even made gambling go up. It was just a nightmare."

In the middle of Bowser's tale, Meta Knight heard a light clinking sound behind him. It reminded him of the sound Blizzaurus' wand had made when she dropped it. Perhaps that was the noise; Meta Knight had unknowingly dropped the wand during his freefall. He turned around and peered over the edge of the roof. Strangely, nothing was on the floor. Maybe something hit the gutter pipe along the wall, and bounced into the canal a few feet away? It seemed unlikely.

"As long as that fairy is-a done with," Mario said.

"Our attacker was a fairy?" Peach asked.

"Yeah, a pretty nasty one, too."

"Huh. Fancy that." Peach looked over at Meta Knight on the edge of the roof. "What are you looking at, Meta Knight?"

Meta Knight didn't answer. He didn't even turn to look at the gang.

"Meta Knight?" Peach sauntered over to the knight and turned him around.

And Meta Knight's entire body was plastered with ice.

"What!?" Peach jumped, as the three of them went ghostly pale. Peach froze with fear. And then, she froze with a splash of water from the canal, hardening in an instant into a carapace of ice. She nearly tipped and fell over, before Bowser caught her by the arm.

"Uh oh. Bad news, Mario," Bowser said.

"I can see," Mario replied.

"Not from there. Come take a look."

Bowser pointed over the edge of the roof. Mario carefully slunk to the edge and peeked over. The canal had frozen over, as had the rest of the surface level. Ice was rapidly creeping up the walls.

"How is this-a possible?" Mario said, "We-a took care of that fairy on the plane."

"Did you, now?"

Mario could recognize that voice even as it reverberated through the ice down below. It was much less sweet, now sounding as if it were smoked in bourbon and left out to dry. But Mario knew who it was. Blizzaurus poked her little head out from the icy canal. She'd shut the holes in her neck with ice, and her grin had returned.

"Mario, this is who you were talking about?" Bowser laughed at the ice sprite. "Give me five minutes, I'll take care of her." Bowser opened his maw, with fire brewing in his throat.

"Is that right, Bowser? You think I didn't expect you to do that? Turn up the heat all you'd like, but my ice will never stop coming for you. That's the funny thing about water. Most substances shrink when they get colder. But water expands."

Just then, Mario heard a low rumbling. He followed the noise over to the gutter pipe along the wall. The rumbling got louder and louder, and he could almost see something glistening from its inside.

"Bowser! Look out!"

But it was too late; just as Mario warned Bowser, water tore out of the sides of the gutter. It spurted over Bowser's mouth, freezing it shut. Mario watched the muscles of Bowser's neck flex as hard as they could, but no sound came out.

"You're finished, Mario!" Blizzaurus pulled her wand out from her icy bath and waved it at the rooftop, and the ice raced up the walls. Bowser looked to his left. The Delfino Town Hall building had yet to be assaulted by the ice. Bowser ran and jumped for the roof of the Town Hall, only to tumble down the side and crash into the canal. Mario looked over the edge, but Bowser was already frozen solid. With the ice circling around him, Mario had no choice but to jump for the Town Hall. He made it, but his feet throbbed upon landing. All of his hopping was getting to him, and the hole in his shoulder wasn't helping. It was an effort just to stay on his feet.

"I'll give Mr. Knight some credit!" Blizzaurus swum down the canal, her wings poking out of the water like the fin of a great white. "I didn't expect to be pushed this far to my limits! I don't even have enough energy left to fuse with my wand into my draconic form. But I _was_ expecting to not expect something, and look how far I've come! I've finally gotten Mr. Knight out of my hair, and with Peach and Bowser having been on ice for so long, who knows how much longer they'll last? Here's something I can't predict, Mario; what could you possibly do? Me and my ice bending wand are a match you can never beat!"

Blizzaurus was right, there wasn't much Mario could do from his position. Knowing this, however, just made him more determined to stomp the fairy into oblivion. It couldn't be that hard, not with her bubble guard down, could it? But the ice had already overtaken Town Hall, shining with a powerful yellow glow and approaching its wounded target.

Wait, yellow? Where was that yellow coming from? Upon closer inspection, Mario could tell that the glow was being reflected off of the ice. But reflected from what? Mario stared deeper into the ice, but saw only himself staring back. That's when Mario realized that he _was_ the light. His eyes were radiating a powerful yellow, and multicolored smoke wisped off of his skin. Come to think of it, that determination he was feeling was growing more and more tangible. His insides were on fire. Something was ready to come out. But what?

"Whatever's coming over me, it-a might be my final chance to win this fight. I'll make myself vulnerable making an attack, so if the first-a blow doesn't take her out, she'll have a clear shot to strike me down. I need to-a make this count!"

Mario hopped up to his feet and bolted down the rooftop. Blizzaurus sent icicles ripping through the ceiling, but Mario jumped over all of them. Mario leapt from building to building, getting closer to his destination; the Shine Gate in the center of town. Mario pulled out his cape and deflected some flying shingles down towards the ice sprite.

"Ack!" Blizzaurus recoiled from the flurry of dust and drywall. In response, she threw a coat of ice onto a nearby wall and shot out a glacial pillar. The pillar swept across the plaza, knocking over the building Mario was standing on. He toppled down to the ground, sliding across the frozen canal like a hockey puck. He hadn't been on the ice for a second before Blizzaurus was torpedoing her way to the plumber. Mario peeled himself off the ground - losing a bit more skin to the ice - and skated towards the gate. Blizzaurus was gaining on him, hail was pounding on him, but none of it would matter as long as he made it to that gate. Blizzaurus pounced into the air at Mario! Mario dropped to the floor, allowing Blizzaurus to fly over him. They were right under the Shine monument - this was his chance!

"Hiyah!"

Mario drew his arms back and thrusted them forward, channeling all of the determination burning inside of him. Two streams of flames spiraled from his hands, swirling out and forming a smoldering vortex. Mario felt as though his arms might melt, but he persisted. The flaming dragons consumed the sky, blinding Mario and thawing the ice beneath him.

When the flames had settled, Mario felt himself drop into the newly melted canal. The yellow glow had faded from his eyes and his body was no longer smoking. Pulling himself above the surface with his right arm, he looked up into the sky. The walls of the gate had been scorched black. Blizzaurus was nowhere to be found.

Mario had just turned to look up when a blast of ice captured his right arm. Blizzaurus popped out from behind the gate wall, snickering as she fluttered over to the plumber.

"Aw, Mario, that wasn't your coup de grâce, was it?" Blizzaurus booped Mario on his fat squishy nose as ice consumed the plumber. "Trying to hit a moving target while pinned to the ground? Don't need to be me to predict that failing! Hahahaha!"

"Yes. You're-a right."

Mario grabbed Blizzaurus by the wrist and pulled her close.

"It would have been a bad idea to try and-a hit you from the ground. Where you're wrong is assuming that's what I was-a doing. That was your-a downfall. Assuming. It's not-a good enough for you to just come out on top. You can't-a stand being at a disadvantage, even for a moment. Risk terrifies you. That's why you come up with all of these predictions and assumptions, so you can act like everything's going according to plan, no? But in your rush to figure out what I was-a doing, you came to the wrong conclusion. Risk terrified me too, but I still took it and hoped that final attack would be a fire blast. But I wasn't aiming it at-a you. I was-"

Mario's head froze over before he could finish. As Blizzaurus pondered the plumber's response, she heard the sound of something dripping into the canal. Something sizzling. Blizzaurus turned her head up. The glooping was coming from the Shine Monument - it was glowing bright red, turned molten from Mario's ultra flame.

"The monument?" Blizzaurus said to herself, "Did he aim for that, hoping it'd melt and drop over my head? That sneaky little-"

Blizzaurus flitted her wings to move out of the gloopy star's path, but felt herself tugged back into place. She looked back at the arm Mario had grabbed. When he'd grabbed it, he pulled it beneath the water, which had now frozen over. Not only that, but while Mario was giving his speech, he'd squeezed the wand out of Blizzaurus' delicate hand. It hadn't gotten far, less than an inch. And Blizzaurus couldn't even move her fingers that insignificant distance.

"No, no!" Blizzaurus yanked on her arm, slamming her free fist on the ice to no avail. More and more of the monument dripped onto the canal, a few drops splattering onto the fairy's back. She couldn't even register the pain of the burns over the pain of her teeth digging into her arm. She gnawed and gnawed, working so desperately to free herself. The pain was excruciating and she nearly wretched at the taste of her own blood, but she fought her better judgement and kept on chewing. She hadn't even made it to the bone, however, when the rest of the monument finally came down upon her in one massive blob.

"Damn you, Mario!"

And then, there was silence. The ice disappeared. Blizzaurus was gone.

* * *

When Mario awoke, he was laying on the sidewalk next to the canal. His clothes were soaked, his body ached, and his skin was red all over. But, thankfully, there wasn't a snowflake to be seen. Mario sat up; Peach and Meta Knight were standing over him.

"Mario, are you okay?" Peach asked. Her skin was red like Mario's, but even still, her face looked soft and warm.

"I'm-a fine," Mario said, "And you?"

"I'm well, all things considered." Peach extended her hand to Mario's rugged own. He grabbed it and rose to his feet.

"Blizzaurus," Mario said, looking around the plaza, "is she-a gone?"

"Looks like it." Bowser was standing by the edge of the canal, next to the remains of the Shine Monument. It was warped and deformed, with something shaped like a hand reaching out of its top. Bowser drummed his knuckles against the metal figure. "Hello! Earth to ice witch! Anybody there?...No, I think we're good."

"Nice work handling her, by the way," Meta Knight congratulated.

"It was easy once I-a figured out it was her wand doing the ice magic," Mario admitted, "But I-a still can't believe that Dimentio snuck onto that plane and put that-a curse on the doors."

"I thought the quickest route would be the safest for us," Peach said, "but it looks like we'll have to be more conspicuous than we imagined."

"We should rest before we consider our next step," Meta Knight said, "I'm sure the locals will be more than willing to help once we explain the situation."

Just then, some of the colorful locals ran onto the scene. Their bodies were conical, and they wore leafy skirts. All of them had stern expressions underneath the palm trees on their heads.

"All of you," one of the locals - law enforcement, he looked like - yelled, "are under arrest for felony vandalism!"

"What!?" Meta Knight drew his sword and unfurled his wings. "I thought you guys said they were friendly!"

"'Friendly'," Mario explained, "might've been a bit of an exaggeration."


	12. A1C12 - Trouble on the Tracks

The shock and awe of Samus' spaceship had mostly worn off of Kirby by now. It didn't stand out too much from the Dream Land night sky anyway. Space was full of miracles. Kirby was born in space. It was in space that Kirby was given the gift of life. The gift of Popstar. The gift of food and friends. In the World of Miracles, Samus' Gunship fit right in, glistening under the light of the full moon in the sky. The puffball was nestled in behind the Gunship's dashboard, messing around with a registration slip he'd found in the glovebox. Holding the sheet of paper up with his nubs, Kirby brought the paper to his mouth and blew into it. Like a leaf, the paper let out a squeaky whistle, bringing a smile to Kirby's face. He continued to whistle because it almost drowned out King Dedede's violent kicking and screaming. He'd been strapped to a table for nearly an hour now. Samus had jammed a plastic tube down his gullet and had been emptying his stomach of the icy "soda" he'd decided to try. Eventually, Samus ripped out the tube, leaving Dedede gasping for air with a hand on his throat.

"Christ on rice," King Dedede sputtered, "so that's what it feels like to be Thanksgiving turkey."

"You're welcome," Samus said.

"I most certainly am not!" King Dedede grumbled as he rolled off of the table, nudging his squishy pink friend. "I'm welcome. Get a load of that, Kirby."

"Would you have preferred to go comatose, your highness?"

"Poyo poyo!" Kirby cheered, popping out from behind the dash. King Dedede burst out laughing, much to Samus' confusion.

"What is it?" Samus asked.

"Huh? Oh, Kirby just said I probably would have," King Dedede said. Samus stared at him blankly. "I guess it's a bit less funny now that I'm repeating it."

"That's not what I'm wondering. You've been translating Kirby since we met. How do you understand him?"

"I'm none too sure, it's nothing I ever put much thought to. It's just something-I say it's just something I've picked up on after all our time together. You hear the lingo enough, it starts to stick to you."

"But there is no lingo. He doesn't speak a language. He just says the word 'poyo' over and over."

"It ain't really about the _words_ he's saying, it's about the _context _he's saying them in. You gotta think about his body language, how he's saying what he's saying, who he's saying it to, all that."

"Hmm…" Samus sat down behind the dashboard, typing away at the controls. "I take it you two have known each other for a while."

"For sure! We've known each other ever since this little screwball first landed on Popstar. Sure, when we first met, we had some personal differences-"

"Poyo," Kirby said, glaring at the king.

"Alright, alright, maybe I kinda robbed Dream Land of its entire food supply and hoarded it up in my castle, but after we settled a few petty grievances, the Kirbster and I have been getting along just fine."

"Poyo poyo."

"Well of course I'm gonna blame you for eating my cake! I don't care if we're friends, you'll eat anything that moves! And anything that doesn't for that matter."

"Poyo poyo!"

"Oh really, it ain't true? Have you eaten-I say have you eaten anything since we got on the Gunship?"

Kirby looked down at the ground as he shook his head. The king glowered in scrutiny, propping himself up against his own hammer. Kirby sighed and opened his mouth. A toothy, toad like monster more than twice Kirby's size rolled out with a splat. The monster dragged itself away, squealing and crying as it crawled back into its own empty containment unit to hide from Kirby.

"Interesting." Samus gave Kirby an exploratory poke. "Why didn't you get a new attribute from integrating that Hornoad?"

"Poyo," Kirby replied, "poyo poyo. Poyo!"

Samus stared at Kirby while trying to process his gibberish. Kirby smiled back, unaware of the miscommunication. Samus turned to look over at Dedede, and the two locked eyes for an entire human minute.

"...What?" King Dedede asked.

Samus gestured towards Kirby. "Would you mind?"

"Mind what?"

"I didn't catch what he said."

"How? I reckon he laid it out in pretty simple terms."

"I can't speak in his fucking terms!"

"Hey now! Hey now! Watch your language in front of the boy! Bless his heart, he's a baby, Ms. Aran!"

Samus looked over at the Hornoad Kirby had assaulted. Still whimpering in its containment vessel, the ferocious beast would likely never recover from the trauma.

"You're trying to tell me Kirby's a baby?"

"Cross my heart! It's the reason-I say it's the reason he eats so much. He's a growing boy."

"You've known each other this long and he's still a baby?" Samus asked, turning to Kirby, "How old are you?"

"Poyo."

Samus looked over at Dedede.

"What did he say?"

"I don't know," Dedede said.

"Dedede!"

"No, no! 'I don't know' is what he said!"

"He doesn't know how old he is? Then how do you even know he's a baby?"

"Well...look at him! He's all soft and tiny! He's gotta be a baby, what with how small and squishy he is!"

"Metroids tend to be small and squishy too. Hopefully, you don't go easy on them because of it." Just then, Samus' computer blurted out an alarm, with a hologram appearing before the controls. "Speaking of Metroids, it looks like we found something."

Kirby and King Dedede huddled with Samus around the projection. The display showed a map of the lush greenland below. A red blob was designated as the approximate location of a Metroid signal. It was constantly shifting, but seemed to hover around a rickety set of train tracks.

"Did it catch a train?" Dedede remarked.

"It's possible it went in to investigate and got trapped." Samus rose out of her chair and fished an ice beam upgrade out of her supply. "Either way, we need to get ready. Kirby, when we land, you should find some way to get a hold of that cryogenic ability you had in the cave. Larval Metroids are virtually unkillable unless they're frozen solid."

"Larval? You mean these things ain't even fully grown!?"

"Calm down, your highness, Larval Metroids can only go through metamorphosis on their homeworld SR388. Still, the more of us that can freeze them in their tracks, the better. I don't know if any of those snowmen creatures live in the area, but-"

Before Samus could finish, Kirby sucked the ice beam battery right out of her hand, swallowing it whole.

"Kirby, no!" Samus cried, "We just got done pumping King Dedede's stomach, don't make me do that again!"

Quite to the contrary, however, Kirby giggled after ingesting the battery. He transformed into Ice Kirby, with his frozen crown returning. Beyond that, he looked pretty unaffected.

"...Did he just copy the attributes of a battery?" Samus asked.

"Seems like it," Dedede said.

"This is amazing! I thought this was some sort of endosymbiosis, but somehow, Kirby can integrate inorganic functions into his bodily processes. Could it be some sort of molecular reconstruction?"

"Yeah, yeah, everyone's always _so_ impressed by how much the kid can eat. Let him into your pantry and tell me how amazing it is."

"King Dedede, stock up on these." Samus stuffed King Dedede's open arms with ice beam batteries. "Just in case Kirby or I need a refill."

"What!? I'm the waterboy now!?"

"Hey, whenever you feel like taking a swing at these little monsters, be my guest. Until then, keep your head down and stay close. We're going in."

And so the Gunship landed by the nearest train station. It was rather quaint, with only two ramshackle tracks running beside a vintage wooden building. The ballasts of the tracks were plaid, though, which was a pleasant touch. Spring tailed Bouncies and sedimentary Rockies parsed into the station, shielded by its awning. Where could such peculiar creatures be headed? How could they afford the fare for the train? Did Dream Land even have a system of currency in place? I don't know, man, that shit's stressful. Just let 'em vibe.

After parking the Gunship, the Star Allies made their way towards a small wooden house next to the still kind of small but not as small station. They knocked on the door of the house, and a sunset orange Waddle Dee opened the door. He had a little blue cap on his head that read "Station Master".

"Are you in charge of this station?" Samus asked.

"I am," the station master answered, "How can I help you?" The station master let the Allies inside. His office was decorated with portraits of his Waddle Dee family, and a rusty toy train set ran along its cozy interior. Kirby ran up and fiddled with the train while Samus got to talking.

"Can you communicate with the conductor of the oncoming train from here?"

"I am the conductor. Dreamtrak trains are operated remotely from the stations." The station master pointed his nubby arm at a computer screen, displaying a spider web of trains running all across Dream Land.

"Even better. When this next train arrives, we need everyone on it to get off, and we need everyone else kept off of the train for a few minutes."

"Why, exactly?"

"There are aliens on that train, sir."

"...You're not from around here, are you? There are a lot of aliens in Dream Land."

"Yes, but these are Metroids. They present a danger to everyone on board."

"We're not unfamiliar with dangerous passengers. You see that guy over there?" The station master pointed out a window to a Dream Lander entering the station. Its body consisted of a giant missile with big flappy feet. "We call him Bomber. If he trips, he'll blow up with the force of a cubic meter of C4. If we shut this train down every time a potential hazard hopped on board, the train wouldn't run."

"We're not here to negotiate. We're shutting down the train. It's a direct order from the King of Dream Land."

King Dedede winced at Samus' command.

"The King of Dream Land?"

"That's right." Samus turned to face the king. Dedede's only response was to pump out buckets of sweat onto the floor. "King Dedede, have him shut down the train."

"I can't just tell him what to do," Dedede replied.

"Yes you can! You're the king!"

"Ah...well, uh...about that...it's a little complicated."

"How is it complicated? Are you the king or not?"

"No, no, I'm the king! I'm just, uh...it's not written down anywhere that I'm the king. It's more of a de facto type deal, you know, everyone _knows_ it, everyone _calls_ me the king-"

"Dedede, can you make him shut the train down or not?"

"Possibly." Dedede threw a smile onto his face as he nudged the unamused station master. "C'mon, pretty please? For me? If you do, I'll name you the Prince of Dream Land!"

"If this is what being the king looks like, I think I'll pass," the station master said, "Listen, Dreamtrak is a quasi-public joint venture between Floralia and Dream Land. The only government entity we have to answer to is Governor Waddle DeeSantis or anyone else from the Floralian Embassy. Until you can get any of them on the line, this train's coming through."

Samus sighed. She shook her head as she walked out of the office.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Dedede scooped Kirby up from the floor and followed Samus out the door.

"To shut down this train," Samus replied.

"How? You're no king, are you?"

"Nope."

Samus strutted to the center of the station, just in time for the train to arrive. Curiously, even the train itself was made of wood. It was wider than it was tall, and had a Waddle Dee face plastered right underneath the smokestack. The train rattled into the station, and Dream Landers hanging around the station began their march onto the train. Just as they rose up from their seats, however, Samus raised her arm cannon into the air and fired a missile into the air. It hit the awning, sending burning wood flying and splintering across the station. The innocent Dream Landers ran away screaming, with the passengers on the train pouring out of any opening they could find.

"Ha ha!" Dedede cheered, "Lord in heaven, lady, you are absolutely looney!"

The station master poked his head out of the door. Samus trained her arm cannon on his office.

"This train is not leaving the station until we're done," Samus barked, "Now it's my order."

"...You win this time," the station master said as he skulked back into his office.

Now left to their own devices, the Star Allies approached the train. A problem quickly made itself apparent; the train barely rose to Samus' hips. Even when she crouched down to investigate, her head nearly bumped on the roof of the doorway.

"Hmm...Even if I get myself in there, there isn't much I can do without destroying the train," Samus said, "and I've already done enough property damage. Kirby, King Dedede, check out the train. I'll be right here if things get dicey."

Kirby and Dedede nodded before stepping aboard the train.

"Now Kirby," Dedede whispered as they entered the first passenger car, "don't forget to keep an eye out for the reason we're here."

"Poyo?"

"No, not Metroids, dummy! My cake! We wouldn't be here if them little gremlins didn't swipe my Popstar Popper! We can help Aran take care of these bean bags, but that cake-I say that cake takes top priority!"

And so Kirby and Dedede started poking their heads under the seats. All they could see were their own faces reflecting off of the lacquered floors. The seats themselves were also empty, with the cushions still carrying the impressions of the absent passengers. They sorted through more cars, but only found the odd piece of luggage left behind.

"Anything in there?" Samus asked from outside the train.

"Nah," Dedede answered, "it's barren. No one in here."

No one? Samus thought to herself. How strange. Surely, if even a single Metroid was stuck on that train for an extended period of time, it would've attacked _someone_. Maybe the Space Pirates genetically altered their behavior somehow? They had to have planted the Metroids on Popstar for a purpose, after all.

Samus' train of thought was interrupted by the much more tangible train next to her. It took off with a puff of steam, clattering away quicker than it arrived.

"Hey!" Samus yelled, aiming her arm cannon at the office, "I told you to keep that train here!"

Samus lowered her cannon, however, when she realized the office was empty. The door was thrown wide open, with a purple haze wafting out from within. With no time for questions, Samus ran and leapt off of the station platform. She pressed some buttons on her arm cannon, and the Gunship flared to life. It zipped into the air with a flash of green. Samus whipped her cannon, and with a spark, a ribbon of lightning shot out of the tip. The beam wrapped around the Gunship, lifting Samus into the air as it raced after the train.

Kirby and Dedede were now back to back as the vacancy of the train grew more and more foreboding. Out the window, they watched as the train bustled straight off of a cliff. The rickety tracks carried the two over a murky ravine, suspended only by a series of beams and nails.

"I'm not liking the look of this scenario." Dedede took out his hammer, giving it a few preparatory swings in the air. "You know the drill, Kirby. You freeze 'em, I smash 'em."

"Poyo!" Kirby let out a frosty breath when he answered the king. The snuck into the next passenger car. Over the rattling of the train's own creaky body, Kirby and Dedede could faintly hear a rumbling behind the door ahead, and every other squeak of the wheels could almost be mistaken for an ear splitting chirp. Kirby and Dedede nodded at each other before jumping through the door. In the next room, sure enough, a Metroid was lying on the ground! Kirby bellowed out a mist of ice as soon as he saw the creature, freezing it solid.

"Kirby, no!"

Before Kirby could turn to look at his friend, something as hard as rock bashed into his fluffy body. Kirby was sent flying into the wall behind him before flopping onto the floor. His attacker was...another Metroid? No, the first Metroid Kirby had frozen wasn't a Metroid at all. Kirby had charged in too quickly to notice before, but he'd merely frozen an empty shell, a husk in the shape of the alien. His attacker must've been the real Metroid, but even then, something didn't look quite right. The Metroid from the cave looked identical to the ones Kirby had fought all those years ago, but this invader had bloated to twice its normal size. It struggled just to move in the cramped train car. More than that, though, a jade carapace had grown on top of its slimy sac, covering a fleshy mass. Spiny arms writhed from beneath the shell, and it had two tiny eyes glowing red like a signal in the midst of a fog.

"Kirby!" King Dedede bashed the Metroid over its shell with his hammer, attracting its attention. "Freeze this creepy crawly!"

Kirby snapped back to his feet. Springing into the air, he twirled around as he sprinkled ice in every direction. The Metroid's jiggly underside was frozen solid, making it cry out in pain.

"Nice!" Dedede reeled back his hammer and swung at the vulnerable parasite. Much to his surprise, however, the frozen Metroid simply rolled out of Dedede's path. It then bashed into Dedede, this time knocking him straight through a window.

Samus, meanwhile, dropped off from the Gunship, landing on the roof of the caboose. She landed just in time to watch Dedede hurtle out of the train.

"Dedede!" Samus cried.

"I can fly!" Dedede yelled as he fell into the ravine.

"Oh shit, okay, cool." Samus hopped across the train cars to investigate the car Dedede was kicked from, only for the Metroid to burst out of the roof. Kirby was trapped in its snapping mandibles.

"What!?" Samus said to herself, "An Alpha Metroid!? But how could it undergo metamorphosis!? Popstar's biosphere isn't even remotely similar to SR388's!"

Kirby spat out ice left and right, but to no avail. The Metroid flew to the front of the train, stuffing Kirby into the smokestack until only his little feet were left to wiggle in the air. This didn't make sense, but there was no time for questions. Instead, Samus reared her arm cannon and barraged the Metroid with missiles. The Metroid cried out in pain, ice splintering off of its delicate membrane. The Metroid tried to dive in at Samus, but Samus swatted it away with a thwack from her cannon. Sparks flew from the wounded Metroid; only a few more missiles should've done it in.

And then, from the darkness of the night, a purple miasma of energy manifested in the air. It crashed into the tracks below, sending the train plummeting into the ravine. Knocked into the air by the blast, Samus no less latched onto Kirby with her grapple beam and yanked him free from the smokestack. The Gunship broke their fall as the train splashed into its watery grave. Samus once again took aim at the Metroid, who was now flying off into the distance. Before she could fire, however, a bolt of lightning came down and struck the Gunship. Samus rolled off of the Gunship as it careened into water, catching onto the remains of the beam that had held up the track. Kirby fell into the water, only to pop right back up above the water. Samus readied her arm cannon a third time, but the Metroid was long gone by now.

"Forgive us for being so direct, but you didn't leave us very many options. We can't allow that poor creature to come into any more harm."

Samus and Kirby both looked around the area at the sound of that voice. Its ringing out somehow made the night sky feel bleaker, with the stars shining duller. Samus turned her head directly up above, and saw her culprit standing on the damaged train tracks. Not standing up, mind you; his lithe figure was suspended by his feet to the underside of the track. The same purple haze Samus had seen earlier was drifting around the man's presence, and his skin was the same tone. He turned a pointed chin down to look at the Star Allies, twirling a spindly moustache wider than his shoulders.

"Allow me to introduce myself." The purple man bowed, still keeping his eyes locked onto his targets. "My name is Arlon the Serene, and it is my great honor to represent Mistress Viridi and the Forces of Nature."

"Hey, don't forget about me!" A young woman flickered into existence beside Arlon. Her blonde hair was standing on its ends, and she wore a scarf which seemed to crackle with power.

"Of course, who could forget Lightning Flash Phosphora."

"'Lightning Flash Phosphora' owes me a ship." Samus readied a missile into her arm cannon as she spoke.

"Sorry! I couldn't help it! Your ship just conducts electricity so well." Phosphora's grin stretched across her dainty face as her skin buzzed with lightning. "You'd best keep your hand off of that cannon; your lightning rod of a dinner suit looks like a pretty good conductor as well."

Reluctantly, Samus lowered her arm cannon. She shot a quick glance at the spot in the sky the Metroid had disappeared into.

"Your boss, Viridi...is she a Space Pirate?"

Arlon and Phosphora shot each other a look, raising their eyebrows before turning back to Samus.

"That's rather unlikely," Arlon said, "I'm afraid neither of us have ever heard of a 'Space Pirate'."

"They're the ones who dropped those Metroids onto this planet in the first place."

"Ah, so 'Metroid' is their proper taxonomic designation? They bear a striking resemblance to Komaytoes, but I knew they were different."

"You don't even know what these things are and you're messing with them!?"

"We're not messing! We're protecting them," Phosphora added, "from anyone who might do them harm! That seems to include you."

"Metroids aren't the ones in need of protecting. They're invasive parasites, consuming everything standing in their way until the planet they've been dropped on has nothing left."

"Your concerns are understandable." Arlon adjusted his monocle, glinting under the light of the moon. "Regardless, Metroids are still living beings. As the Goddess of Nature, it is Mistress Viridi's responsibility to protect all living beings from anyone who would do them harm. We're under direct orders to protect the Metroids via any means necessary. Even at the cost of this beautiful ravine."

"What do you mean?"

Just then, a piercing screech tore through the sky behind them. Samus and Kirby turned around to see a bomb crash down into the water. The bomb looked shoddily made, with its cracked red body being entangled in vines. When it hit the water, a blinding flash ripped through the ravine. They could barely tell it was still night.

"That Reset Bomb would be our cue to leave. Its purpose is quite particular. That little pink creature you've brought along with you should be just fine. But if you yourself are a human as you appear, then I'm afraid you'll find yourself wiped from Planet Popstar. Good luck."

Arlon's being then faded away into the air, while Phosphora bolted away in the form of lightning. As the explosion simmered down, a bramble of thorns and branches spiraled out of the bomb. They were as black as coal, and in a matter of seconds, the vegetation was overtaking the entire ravine. Samus made quick work of shimmying her way up the beam. Once on the tracks, she broke into a sprint for a second, only stopping when she looked down at Kirby. The pink puffball was still floating in the water, staring at the approaching forest.

"Kirby!" Samus yelled, "Get a move on!"

But Kirby knew neither of them could outrun the forest; it was splitting the water apart with how quickly it was growing. Instead, Kirby opened his mouth and spat some object out into his hand - a pink Blackberry Pearl. Kirby pressed some buttons on his phone and then threw it onto the track at Samus' feet.

"A phone? Kirby, what are you-"

Before Samus could finish, something tackled her, knocking her off of the track. She held on, even as the foreign object knocked the wind from her lungs. As the burning radiance of the forest died down, Samus noticed a yellow light glowing off of her ride. It was a star shaped disc, no longer than Samus' shin. And yet with no rockets or wings to speak of, it didn't even tremble as it carried the bounty hunter through the air.

Samus felt her back collide with some elastic thing, like a hot air balloon. It went flying off, and Samus saw that it was actually King Dedede, inflated to twice his size. Samus snatched Dedede with her grapple beam, yanking him along with her on the star.

"You know, when you said you could fly," Samus yelled, "this isn't what I had in mind!"

"I'm a penguin! Cut me some slack!" King Dedede wheezed as the beam squeezed the air out of his body. "Hey, where's Kirby!?"

"In there!" Samus pointed her arm cannon at the ever growing Reset Bomb Forest.

"You left Kirby in that!?"

"I didn't leave him there! I don't know how to pilot this thing!"

"How do you not know how to pilot a Warp Star!? They don't even have wheels to steer!"

"That is precisely why I can't pilot it!"

Dedede grabbed onto one of the points of the Warp Star, veering it around the forest. After a minute or so, the forest finally slowed down in its growth. It'd completely overwhelmed the ravine, even tearing apart the rocky walls of the canyon it ran through. Dedede landed the Warp Star at the base of the forest - crash landed, specifically, shattering the Warp Star into little star bits.

"Ugh," Samus groaned as she pulled herself from the brittle debris they'd landed in, "So they're easy to pilot but not easy to land, huh?"

"Would you believe me if I told you that's how you're supposed to land them?"

"Honestly, after what I've seen from this planet, yes, I would." Samus looked into the forest. The black thorns pulsed with an awful red light. The radiance was draining to look at, as if staring at it alone sucked away one's vitality.

"I'll lead the way." Samus ducked her head under the thorny entrance to the forest. "Stay close. Watch my six, I'll watch yours."

"Oh hush, Ms. Aran, it's just-I say it's just a forest." With a chuckle, Dedede twirled his hammer around as he rolled into the forest. "Just your average run of the mill forest that suddenly appeared in the middle of a ravine."

"This is no ordinary forest, Dedede. Kirby and I met these two people calling themselves the Forces of Nature. They've taken in the Metroids like an endangered species, and they dropped a bomb in the water. When it went off, it turned into this."

"One hell of a bomb...Hey, speaking of Metroids, that Metroid in the train looked a little different. And Kirby froze the darn thing, but it just got madder than a wet hen!"

"Freezing temperatures are only fatal to Larval Metroids. That Metroid had grown into an Alpha Metroid."

"But I thought-I say I thought you said they can't metamorpholize or whatever unless they're on some planet!" Dedede's exclamation echoed throughout the bowels of the forest. The walls almost seemed to writhe against the reverberation for a second.

"They can't, not normally. But this one did. I don't know how it happened, but that Arlon guy told me that his boss is the Goddess of Nature. Maybe she has the power to make lifeforms grow outside of their natural habitat."

Dedede furrowed his brow.

"What?" Samus asked.

"I don't know, it's just strange to hear you talking about Goddesses and all that. You've got a fancy schmancy robot suit, guess I figured you wouldn't believe in that type of stuff."

Samus looked down at her suit. The patterns engraved into the plating of her suit were alien to Popstar, but to Samus, they were as familiar as the English language. Running her fingers over those patterns brought her back to her childhood - back to when she could brush her hands against the ruins she called home.

"For most of my life, I was raised by the Chozo, a highly advanced interplanetary species. They valued knowledge in every form. Sure, they were scientific masterminds, but they were also well versed in spiritualism. My suit - the Varia Suit - isn't purely technological in nature."

"Varia Suit. Nice. Think I could get one?"

"I don't know, ask the Chozo."

"Where could I find them?"

"You can't. They're dead."

"Oh."

The two were interrupted by a high pitched scream from Kirby ringing through the forest.

"There he is! Let's go!"

Samus and Dedede bolted after the sound of Kirby's voice. Just around the corner, however, a horde of vegetal monsters were waiting for the duo. Giant acorns buzzed through the air, purple flowers wiggled out of the ground, and they all stared at the two through twitching yellow eyes. Dedede grinned as he gripped onto his hammer.

"Ready to commit a little herbicide, Ms. Aran?" he said.

"Ready when you are."

Kirby, meanwhile, found himself hanging upside down from a tree, his foot snared by a branch during the explosion. His scream wasn't for the forest or its monstrous army, however; he was face to face with the Alpha Metroid. It must not have strayed as far as everyone had assumed. The Metroid screeched and snapped its pincers at Kirby before diving in to attack. Kirby forced his pudgy body to fold enough for him to freeze the branch around his feet. He kicked the frozen branch into pieces, flopping onto the floor and evading the Metroid. While Kirby rolled out of the way, the Metroid hovered in the air, rocking back and forth as it let out a miserable groan. Watching the pained creature gave Kirby an idea. He whistled. The Metroid turned. Kirby planted his feet in the ground, stretching his nubs out as wide as he could, and the Metroid took the bait. Just as the Metroid dove in, though, Kirby sealed his lips and activated his ice powers. He froze his own body from the inside out, and when the Metroid slammed into him, Kirby's now rigid body cracked the parasite's shell. As the Metroid tried to find its bearings again, Kirby shed his copy ability in the form of a tiny star and opened his mouth. With one hearty gulp of air, he sucked up the Metroid into his endless stomach.

And yet, he felt totally empty. Kirby spat out the contents of his stomach, only to find a papery husk on the floor before him. Kirby looked at the Metroid in horror. With its shell ripped off, the Metroid grew in size once more, this time blowing up to the size of a cow. Its carapace was now jagged, its legs wrapped around its squishy underside. Its whole body crackling with a ghostly blue energy, the Metroid screamed as it charged at Kirby.

Samus and King Dedede tore their way through the Forces of Nature. Samus blasted row after row of flying acorns with her missiles, while Dedede knocked them out of the air with his hammer. The scent of burning cellulose wafted over the battle, but the Forces of Nature didn't even blink their corpse-like eyes at the stench of their fallen brethren. Just then, a walking pillar of stone charged at Dedede. It leapt into the air with its stubby roots, ready to crush the king under its titanic weight. Dedede rolled out of its way and struck it with his hammer, but the blow didn't even dent the rocky creature.

"Oh, it's gonna be like that, huh?" Dedede gritted his teeth as he pressed a button on the handle of his hammer. The backside of its head flipped open, and a clunky rocket engine poked out. Plumes of blue flame poured out. The hammer rattled with the energy building up inside. Dedede held back the furious power of the hammer until the stone picked itself up and pounced at Dedede again. Dedede let his hammer loose to batter the stone, shattering it into pieces. Dedede had just raised his fist to cheer when a worm burst out of the ground before him. With a husky body as wide as a car tire and a beak made of corn, the worm snapped to action, wrapping itself around Dedede's body before he could even blink. The worm managed to keep its head out of the range of the king's flailing hammer. Dedede tried to call out to Samus, but the air couldn't even leave his lungs.

"King Dedede!" Samus blasted a missile at the worm of maize, but before it could make contact, a mossy little gremlin intercepted the attack. The missile exploded harmlessly, leaving the gremlin swaying with tranquility. Even its wooden mask was left untouched. Samus tried firing an ice beam at the little thug, but the result was no different.

"Damnit, get out of the way!" Samus tried sidestepping around the thug, but despite its stout little body, it kept itself squarely between Samus and Dedede. Digging her heel into the ground in frustration, she spun around and struck the thug with a firm roundhouse kick. Just before it made contact, however, the thug's green body turned red. Its mask flipped around to reveal the grotesque grimace of a monster, and it caught Samus' foot with ease. Samus gasped, ripping her foot from the thug's grasp and firing another missile at it point blank. The thug turned green again, tanking the blast with ease.

"So it has different forms that are immune to melee and ranged attacks?" Samus tried all sorts of combinations of missiles and kicks and punches and beams, but no matter what she did alone, the thug was always one step ahead. While his vision began to flicker in and out, he could still see Samus fending off the thug. His hammer grew heavier by the second in Dedede's weakening grasp, but he still managed to press another button on his hammer. The front latch flipped open this time, and a spiky metal creature popped out. As it hovered in the air, Dedede mustered the last of his strength and whacked it at the thug. The thug, who'd turned red to block a forearm club from Samus, was too distracted to see the spike ball flying towards him. The thug was obliterated, leaving nothing but a cloud of algae. Her path clear, Samus blasted the corn worm right in the head with a missile, frying its beak into popcorn and freeing Dedede from its grasp. Dedede fell to the floor, gasping for air.

"Dedede!" Samus helped prop Dedede onto his feet. "Are you alright!?"

"How am I...supposed...to answer that!?" Dedede answered between pants. Just as more of the Forces of Nature began to surround the two, they heard Kirby scream again. Samus and Dedede turned around, facing a hole in the wall. Blue lights spasmed out from the opening, along with the stench of burnt wood.

"We have to get in there!"

"But how?" Dedede ran up and investigated the hole. Even his tiny, squishy body had a hard time fitting through. "The hole-I say the hole's too small! If only one of us had the ability to compress our body into a sphere roughly 0.8 meters in diameter."

Dedede then looked over at Samus. As it turns out, her suit had compressed her body into a sphere roughly 0.8 meters in diameter.

"Oh no shit," Dedede said. Samus rolled and jumped through the hole. Her suit unfolded, and she stood up to look at Dedede. Dedede glanced over at the oncoming army, and then shot Samus a smirk.

"Go help Kirby! I got this one." Dedede readied the thruster in his hammer to prove his determination. Samus nodded and headed deeper into the forest. Dedede turned back to face the encroaching horde. "Man, I so do not got this one."

Samus ran and snatched up Kirby from the ground, saving him from a beam of electricity from the Metroid. The Metroid screamed again. Dribbles of some green liquid spattered out of its toothy mouth, bubbling and smoking when they hit the ground. Samus fired a few missiles at the parasite, but it rolled over in the air so that the missiles burst harmlessly over its shell. Samus removed the ice beam from her arm cannon and threw it over to Kirby, who inhaled it to become Ice Kirby.

"Ice won't kill it instantly, but that underside is still vulnerable," Samus said, "King Dedede and I just tag teamed some thug. Maybe if we do the same, we can get its underside exposed. Can you fly like your friend?"

"Poyo!" Kirby puffed his body up and floated into the air. The Metroid's six red eyes pulsed, fixing on the little balloon like the scope on a rifle. The Metroid hissed, ready to charge, but was cut off by another missile barrage from Samus.

"Watch your ascent!" Samus warned. The Metroid torched the ground with another ray of electricity, forcing Samus to roll out of the way. Kirby flapped his nubs as hard as he could, but he couldn't float much faster than a noodle in a pool. By the time he'd made it up to the creature's eye level, he didn't even get to open his mouth before the Metroid zipped across the entire room. Samus tried ambushing the creature as it bolted through the air, but the Metroid flipped itself over just like before. Samus opened a hatch on her cannon. Its chamber was empty, save for one more missile.

"I've only got one more shot, Kirby. You've got to keep up with that thing." But Samus knew her encouragement could only do so much. The brief second Kirby had opened his mouth had sent him halfway back down the distance he'd ascended, and he hadn't gotten much higher in the time since. Samus felt as though the neural pathways in her brain had been blocked off - not a good state to be in when you're sidestepping around an extraterrestrial leech's thunder storm. "Just one more shot...Hey, Kirby, can you really inhale anything?"

"Mmm!" Kirby tried to nod while floating.

"Open wide."

Samus closed the hatch on her cannon and shot a missile at Kirby. Kirby shed the ice ability and swallowed the missile whole. A red and yellow plate appeared, bolted to the top of Kirby's head; he was now Missile Kirby. With a blink of the eyes, Kirby transformed into a pink rocket and zoomed at the Metroid. The Metroid rolled around to hide its jiggly underside, but Kirby changed his trajectory midair to loop around its carapace and hit the beast's belly. Kirby exploded, with his normal squishy body flying out of the explosion harmlessly. The Metroid, meanwhile, was knocked to the ground, crying in pain on its downward path. Before it could scuttle back into the air, Samus ran up and lassoed it with her grapple beam. With a yank, she whipped the monster over to her feet. She dug her heel into the pulpy flesh of the Metroid's head. Green saliva and translucent blue blood spilled onto the floor. The Metroid writhed as it began to hover back into the air, but Samus slammed it back onto the ground, kicking it over to reveal the underside.

"Now, Kirby!"

Kirby turned into a missile and rocketed straight into the Metroid! Kirby blew up again, and the parasite burst into a mess of goo, flesh, and carapace. Samus let out a faint sigh of relief while Kirby jumped up and danced in joy.

"Well that settles that," Samus said, "Would've been settled a lot quicker if it weren't for those Forces of Nature, though. Who knows what their next move is. Let's regroup somewhere safe."

"Poyo!" Kirby stopped cheering and tugged on Samus' leg. "Poyo poyo, poyo?"

"Kirby," Samus replied, "I have no fucking idea what you're saying."

Kirby sighed and swung around his nubs, mimicking the motion of throwing around a hammer.

"Oh, King Dedede. He's right outside, handling the Forces of Nature." Samus walked over to the hole in the wall. "Hey, King Dedede, we're ready to head out."

Dedede was currently being constricted by another corn worm. His clothes had been tattered and scorched by one sided "combat". He spoke through a raspy voice as he flailed around his hammer.

"No way...I-ack!" Dedede replied, "I'm just...g-getting started!"

Kirby rocketed into the corn worm, freeing Dedede. The three then bolted out of the Reset Bomb Forest, escaping the scene on Kirby's Warp Star.

The Star Allies regrouped at Dedede's castle. By now, the sun had begun to shine on Dream Land, casting light on Mt. Dedede and the castle atop it. The Allies crashed into the ground before the castle and headed inside. The castle was filled with Waddle Dees running about, standing guard, or just vibing in general. One Dee in particular, covered with a blue bandana, frantically ran up to the king.

"Great King!" Bandana Dee said, "How did it go!?"

"Hmm, I don't know, fellas," Dedede said, looking over at his friends, "how did-I say how did it go? We found out parasitic aliens have invaded the planet, some goddess named Verizon or something is out for our hides, and a nearby train track just got blown up into a forest. Overall, things could've gone worse. Let's see now, what to do…" Dedede looked amongst his horde of Waddle Dees. "You there, be on the lookout for bombs travelling through the air. You, ready the shotzos in case those other three Metroids follow us back."

"And me, Great King?" Bandana Dee asked.

"You…" Dedede said as he threw Bandana Dee a set of keys, "can go pick up my limo. I kinda left it by a mountain somewhere."

"You got it!" Bandana saluted the king before running off to the mountains. The Allies followed Dedede onto a balcony overlooking the rocky hillside.

"We need to wipe out the last three Metroids as soon as physically possible. The Metroid Kirby and I took out was in its Gamma stage. After that, they enter their adult stages, becoming exponentially more durable."

"I think I've got a ship for that." Dedede nudged Kirby with a smirk. "I'm sure Kirby remembers all of the anti-aircraft equipment I've got on that baby. It should do fine if the Forces of Nature hurl another one of those-"

"Bomb! Bomb!" Bandana Dee screamed as he ran up to the Allies. "Great King! We detected a bomb in the air! It's massive!"

"That must be a Reset Bomb," Samus remarked, "The one in the ravine looked as big as a house."

"Aha! Now that we have a head start, not only can we gun down this thing, but we might be able to follow it to its source!" Dedede picked up Bandana Dee and shook him with pride. "Boy, this is amazing news you got for us! Where-I say where did you see this bomb?"

"Up there!" Bandana dee pointed one of his nubs up in the air. The Star Allies turned their gaze to the sky. A viny Reset Bomb hung above the castle, hurtling towards its final destination.

"Well, maybe it's not _amazing _news per se."


	13. A1C13 - Akumajo Luigi

Luigi grumbled to himself as he sat on the porch of his house. Why did Mario keep snubbing him? First with Bowser's attack this morning, and now with this end of the world business. Luigi had been by Mario's side their whole lives, but Mario would rather work with Bowser than his own brother? It was ridiculous! Luigi could handle himself...couldn't he? Maybe not. Mario always knew what to do. If Mario didn't trust him, maybe he wasn't really cut out for this adventure.

Luigi rubbed his head as he dug at his scratch card. How did he even get suckered into buying one? The cashier at that gas station was quite the sweet talker to be fair. Luigi wasn't optimistic, but its not like he had anything else to do other than entertain the card. After scratching away the latex panel, Luigi revealed some bright blocky text.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE WON!

CALL THIS NUMBER TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!

(618) 939-9600

"What even is this-a prize?" Luigi said to himself, "This feels like-a the set-up to a scam."

Still, Luigi found it in himself to step back into his house and head for the landline. Through a window in the kitchen, he could watch as Yoshi snoozed the day away. At least someone could rest easy today. Luigi sighed as he punched the number into the phone and brought it to his ear.

"Hello!" The voice that came out of the phone spilled out like oil, but at the same time sparkled with a casual charm. "If you're calling this number, that means you won our scratch card sweepstakes! Ready to claim your prize?"

"Uh...sure," Luigi answered, "What, uh...what exactly is-a the prize?"

"I'm glad you asked, my friend! Today, you just won a house!"

"A house!?" Luigi nearly choked on his own saliva.

"Better than a house, actually! You're getting a mansion in a lovely little villa area!"

Luigi couldn't believe it! Winning a mansion! Even if it might've been due today, such a streak of luck was impossible to believe.

"Can we get a name for our lucky winner?" the voice at the end of the line asked.

"Luigi, sir. My name's Luigi-"

"Great, great. Well, Mr. Luigi, just show up at the mansion and present your name and we can get you settled right in at your new crib! The address is Strada General Traian Moșoiu 24, Bran 507025, Romania, we hope to see you here soon!"

"R-romania!? What do you-a mean Romania-!" Luigi asked. The voice at the end of the line hung up before Luigi could get a solid answer. Luigi stood by the landline in silence, unsure of how to feel. He couldn't really be disappointed - the mansion was free, with no loss to him. But should he be grateful? What was he supposed to do with a mansion in Romania? Just leaving the Mushroom Kingdom would be inconvenient, let alone packing his things and moving to the Balkans. Luigi would've never even considered moving to Romania if it weren't for this mansion! Maybe he'd stay there for a vacation if he had the money, but nothing else beyond that.

Wait...a vacation. Luigi felt he was onto something. Just because he owned a mansion, that didn't mean he had to _live_ in it. Maybe he could have someone else live in it? Not just one someone else; many, even. He could turn it into an international hotel!

"That's it!" Luigi cried, "I've got it! I'll become-a rich! That'll show Mario I can handle myself!"

Luigi's body shook at the idea of making a name for himself. This wasn't going to be the Super Mario Mansion or even the Mario Bros. Mansion; it would just be Luigi's Mansion. Luigi could barely stand at the thought. Could he handle the reality? Luigi sat down and wiped his brow. He just needed to calm down was all, calm down and think things through. What should he do first, he thought. Maybe he'd call Daisy and break the good news before he left.

It was as he prepared what he'd say to her that Luigi realized the suspicious nature of his prize. Who just gives out a mansion? Sure, Luigi had to pay for the scratch card, but how many scratch cards would you have to sell to pull a profit when you're losing a mansion? There had to be a trick, right? But what would you get out of it? No one had asked Luigi for his credit card or anything. Luigi wasn't sure what to make of it - hopefully, someone else was. One penny pincher in particular came to Luigi's mind. Luigi nodded to himself in support and headed out the door; once he got the council of his acquaintance, Luigi was dead set on making this mansion his.

Later that day, Luigi arrived at the home of this money grubber in question. It was run down beyond belief, with paint peeling off of the sides and vegetation growing through every nook and cranny. He would've assumed he was at the wrong place if it weren't for the yellow chopper parked in front of the garage, the seat still glistening with ass sweat. Luigi ambled up to the front door and gave it a gentle knock. The rotten door fell out of the doorway.

"Ah, Luigi, come right in."

Luigi was beckoned into the mildew smelling living room by a rotund guido man; the one and only Wario. Wario sat back on his torn leather couch, lounging in a yellow grease stained shirt and matching purple overalls. He had heavy baggy eyes, and a moustache sharper than a razor. His beefy hands gripped an Xbox One controller nearly to the point of shattering as he stared into his tv. The walls of the house were yellowed and speckled with mold, and the wooden floors were beginning to sink in various places.

"Good to see you, Luigi," Wario continued, not turning away from his game, "though it might've been better if you came after my business hours."

"Business hours?" Luigi asked, "You're-a working right now?"

"Yeah, I'm a game developer."

"Ooh! Did you-a make this game?"

"No, no, this is Fortnite. I'm just playing so I can get better at making my own games. It's called background research; I'm learning."

Luigi couldn't quite keep up with Wario's game, but when Wario threw his controller onto the ground, he could figure that it didn't go well.

"See, Luigi? Just now, I learned to never play on a team." Wario grabbed the headset on his ears and clutched the mic. "What's the matter, faggot, can't handle a 1v5? Fucking trash."

"What-a happened?"

"This little kid on my team lost the match for us. It's bullshit."

"What were-a you doing?"

"Oh, I died two minutes into the match, but it wasn't my fault. My internet was slow." Wario pressed the headset into his ear as he tried to stifle a laugh. "Hah! This kid's trying to tell me his dad owns Nintendo! Everyone knows Bowser owns Nintendo. Watch this, Luigi, I'm gonna tell him to hang himself, it's gonna be a real kneeslapper-"

In the blink of an eye, however, Wario's grin dropped into a grimace of terror.

"Fuck, it's actually Bowser!"

Wario shot up from his couch, picked up his Xbox One, and broke it in half over his knee.

"Phew," Wario said as he dropped his two new Xbox 0.5's onto the floor, "Now that that's over with, do you wanna take a seat, my guy?"

Wario gestured his beanpole buddy over to his torn up couch, the cushion still glistening with ass sweat.

"I'm-a gonna pass," Luigi replied, "Wario, I-a need your help. Waluigi's too, if he's-a here."

"Why would he be here?"

"I figured you two-a lived together since you're brothers."

"He's not my brother."

"He's-a not?"

"No, dude, I just needed a partner for that one tennis game years back and he just kinda showed up. Guy's been following me around for years since."

"Oh. Well, I'm here more so for-a you anyway."

"Aw, Luigi, you touch an old man's heart. Tell me what I can do for you."

Wario kicked back onto his couch, pulling a garlic bulb from his pocket and biting into it raw. Luigi didn't move from his awkward position in the doorway.

"Well, I just-a won some competition, and I figured you might be able to help me figure out whether or not it was a scam."

"Might?" Wario pulled back a cushion of the couch, revealing a mound of jewels and gold. "No one can outscam the king of con artists. I made all of this just today by bottling my dish water and telling people I got it from Pokimane's bathtub. What's the sitch?"

"Well you see, I-a won this mansion-"

"It's a scam."

"You didn't even let me-a finish!"

"Luigi, you've fallen for this, like, two or three times now."

"I know, but this one seems legit! I got the address, and it's not in the middle of-a the woods this time! It's in Romania, near these villas!"

"Oh geez. And how exactly did you win this mansion?"

"From a scratch card I bought at the gas station."

Wario stood up from the couch, put his hands together, and pursed his lips.

"Luigi, buddy, you're really not making this easy."

Luigi sighed, propping his head against the wall. Of course it was a scam, it should've been obvious. The thought of becoming his own person was just too tantalizing for rational thought.

"So, I guess I shouldn't-a go, then."

"Hmm? Oh, no, we're going."

"What? But you just-a said it was a scam."

"Yeah, it is," Wario said as he pulled out a crowbar from beneath the couch, "but you said you _bought _a scratch card. Whoever's scamming you owes you money, so we're gonna go to this address you got, beat this guy to death, and then take all the money he scammed from you and anyone else - splitting it, of course. I'm sure he sold quite a few of those cards."

"Wario, we don't have to do any of that. It only-a cost me a dollar-"

"Well sure, we don't _have_ to do anything." Wario shuffled over and put his hand on Luigi's shoulder. "But the people who only do what they have to are just survivors. The people who go above and beyond are the thrivers. Do you wanna survive, Luigi? Or do you wanna thrive?"

"I...I-a want to thrive!" Luigi replied, peeling his head off of the sticky yellow wall as he straightened his stance.

"There you go, Luigi. Now then, where did you say this house was?"

"Oh, it's-a in Romania, I think the address was-oh Mama Mia! I forgot! We can't-a get to the other world anymore!"

"Why not?"

"I-a don't really understand what's going on, but Mario's-a fighting this wizard, and he-a broke all of the warp pipes out of this world. Now we're all-a stuck here."

"Just the warp pipes are broken?"

"Well, yeah, but-a how else can you get to the other world?"

Wario peeled open one of the cushions to his couch, pulling out a clunky orange helmet with a remote taped to the side. Wario slapped on the helmet, ripped off the remote, and began punching in some numbers.

"What did you say the address was, Luigi?" Wario asked.

"Somewhere in Bran, Romania. Why? What's-a that helmet for-?"

Before Luigi could finish, Wario grabbed him by the shoulder and the two blinked out of existence, instantly dropping onto a dirt road. Luigi shot up to his feet and looked around, finding himself in a dense nighttime forest.

"What? Where are we?" Luigi asked.

"Somewhere in Bran, Romania, just like you said," Wario answered.

"But how did we-a get here?"

"My Telmet." Wario gave his helmet a pat. "Made this interuniversal bad boy to get on TV. Literally, to travel to the universe those TV shows took place in."

"You _made_ that!?"

"Yeah, bro, I've got a Master's in electronic engineering."

"Well that would've been-a pretty helpful when Mario was trying to get to Brooklyn."

"Eh, I'm sure he's not going too far out of his way to get there."

And so Luigi and Wario spent the next two days wandering around Romania until they happened to stumble upon Strada General Traian Moșoiu 24, Bran 507025, Romania. Up until this moment, Luigi had feared he'd let his mind run too wild. Looking up at the mansion standing over him, however, he quickly realized his mind hadn't run wild enough. Alabaster walls seemed to wrap around Luigi and Wario on all sides, beckoning the two towards its arching maw. The mansion watched over the two with eyes of stained glass, gated with fluttering tracery. Just like the phone guy had said, over villas lingered in the area, but Luigi's mansion dwarfed all of them. The residence was draped by a garden with plants Luigi'd never even seen, complete with an empty marble gazebo.

"Wario," Luigi said as his legs began to tremble, "I'm-a getting a bad feeling from this."

"Well yeah, you should be," Wario replied, "we already established that it's a fucking scam. Just chill out and we'll take care of this."

So Luigi and Wario began to step down the lantern lit walkway. As they drew closer, the door creaked open, and a glint of life shimmered from the mansion's depths.

"Luigi!" Wario stopped Luigi by his shoulder, whispering into his ear. "Stay outside for a second while I head in. The way these haunted mansions always work is by having the doors lock from the outside and then shutting them on you when you walk in. If the door shuts on me, unlock it and let me out."

Luigi nodded as the front door swung open. The man who stood before them was thin and pale, almost to an unhealthy degree. Still, the man managed to flash the duo a smarmy grin. He waved his arms around in the air as he greeted them, as if he didn't know what to do with them.

"Well hey there!" the man said, "Are you here for the sweepstakes?"

The man's voice was unmistakable as the same voice from the phone. Wario turned to face Luigi. Luigi remained silent, kicking around a rock with his feet. Wario prodded a response from the plumber with a nudge to the ribs.

"Uh, yes," Luigi answered, wiping sweat from his forehead, "I'm-a Luigi."

"Amazing! Why don't you come inside? I'll show you around your new crib."

The man turned around and began strolling into the mansion. Wario turned to Luigi and nodded before following suit. As Wario slunk after the man, Luigi watched Wario retrieve his crowbar from his overalls. Just as Wario wound back his arm, the front door slammed shut, seemingly all on its own. Luigi jumped at the slam. His teeth were chattering now, nearly too loud to think over. Luigi could see the lock Wario was talking about on the outer door knob, but the sheer presence of the ghostly door struck a chord deep in Luigi's being.

A firm bonk rang out from inside the mansion. Luigi tried peering through the windows to investigate, but they all seemed to lead to different rooms each time he looked at them. With no other options, Luigi pried his feet from the ground and stepped forward to unlock the door.

"Wario! Wario!" Luigi called as he began to open the door, "Are-a you-!?"

"Nah, nah, nah, I'm not done yet," Wario replied, holding the door back from the inside.

"W-what?"

"I said I'm not done with this guy yet! Just gimme a sec."

"O...okey dokey."

Luigi shut the door. Two more bonks came from the mansion. Wario opened the door a crack.

"Hmm," Wario said, "...one more."

Wario shut the door again and another bonk was heard.

"Okay, we're good." Wario threw open the door, and Luigi shuffled in. The interior of the mansion was made of a polished mahogany wood, and the floors were lined with velvet carpets. Various candles and incenses inside the mansion wafted warmth around the room. The whole aesthetic was quite appealing, barring the unconscious phone man leaking blood onto the floor.

"Gee, Wario, you-a didn't go easy on him," Luigi said.

"Better him than me." Wario bent down and began digging through the man's pockets. "You know what they say; in this world, it's milk or be milked."

"I don't think anyone-a says that."

Luigi looked around the room, with a fresh curtain catching his eye. Luigi yanked the curtain down and folded it into a makeshift sash. With his sash, he bent down next to Wario, wrapping the man's injured head with the sash.

"Luigi," Wario groaned, "this guy just tried dragging you into some sort of scheme, we don't even know what. Why are you helping him out?"

"It's-a the right thing to do," Luigi answered, "Besides, however suspicious this-a whole thing may be, we-a technically don't _know_ that this was a scam."

"No, it was totally a scam," the man answered. Luigi jumped to his feet with a shriek, and Wario rolled the man over. Curiously, the man was still fast asleep.

"What?" Luigi said, taking a step back, "I-is he...a ghost?" As Luigi stepped back, he felt something musty and clothy skim his back.

"No, he's not," the man's voice replied, "but I am!"

Luigi and Wario whipped around, finding the source of the voice behind them. The fabric tickling Luigi's back was the tail end of a tattered cloak. It reeked of rotting flesh, and it hung in the air by the shoulders of a skeletal figure. Luigi and Wario both felt their hearts stop, as if their bodies had no choice but to die beneath the weight of the phantom's presence. They knew it to be true; the spectre was Death, and he had come for the both of them.

"Eek!" Luigi screamed as he bolted for the door. A scythe appeared in Death's hand, and with one swing, he commanded the door to slam shut. His swing blew out every candle, and the only lights left in the room were the flames flickering in his eye sockets.

"Oh, Luigi, we're fucked!" Wario said, "We're so fucked! This is the end! The end of the only Wario bro and the second best half of the Mario bros!"

But Luigi kept running. He battered into the door with his hip, and the door swung right open.

"What!?" Wario exclaimed, his massive blocky chin dropping to the floor.

"I was-a fiddling with that outside." Luigi pointed to the rock he was kicking around, now lodged in the doorway. "Before I came in, I-a kicked it into the doorway so that we-a couldn't get locked in again. Let's-a go, Wario!"

Wario scuttled after Luigi into the night, while Death remained hovering in the air.

"Ah, clever little guy," Death said to himself as he waved his scythe again. The earth beneath the mansion cracked, crying out in pain as it began to shake. Luigi tripped next to the gazebo, falling over onto his big squishy nose.

"Get up, Luigi!" Wario egged on, "We gotta-!"

Before Wario could finish, the other villas next door sunk into the ground. They were gone before he could even turn to watch them go, like some rodent had yanked them away. A wave of dust rolled over them, blocking out the light of the lanterns. The sky rang with the sounds of stone shattering and gears turning. Wario stumbled around with his arms outstretched, while Luigi curled up to withstand the tremors.

Eventually, though, the mansion's cries did calm down. Luigi peeled his eyelids open. Wario was nowhere to be seen, and the sky had turned crimson.

"Wario?" Luigi asked as he rose to his feet, "Wario, where are-?"

But when Luigi looked ahead, all of the breath he had left was sucked from his lungs. A gargantuan castle had torn out of the earth, carrying Luigi and the gazebo with it; from the chunk of stone the gazebo rested on, he couldn't even see the ground anymore. Its architecture was all wrong, with towers and observatories like Luigi's hanging off of the sides, strung together with a cobweb of stone. Wicked horns topped the whole affair, billowing out swarms of bats. When Luigi finally mustered the strength to look down, he saw the mansion on a lower balcony of the castle. The once domineering residence now looked like a pimple on the castle's visage.

"Luigi!?" Wario called out from the mansion below, "Luigiiiiiiiii!?"

"Wario!" Luigi answered, "Wario, I'm-a here!"

Just then, Death appeared behind Luigi in a cloud of smoke.

"Hey there, little guy," Death said, reaching a bony hand out to Luigi, "maybe don't stand so close to the edge. Or else you might-"

Luigi fainted at the sight of the spectre, his body running cold as it tumbled over the edge.

"...shit."

Wario looked up to heed Luigi's call, only to see the plumber hurtling towards the ground. Wario made a mad dash for the edge of the balcony. With his tiny Italian arms reaching out as far as they could, he snatched Luigi from the air and laid him down on the balcony. Death manifested over the edge a few seconds later, staring directly up with a mattress in his arms.

"I got him! I got him! I-" Death turned his head to the side to see Luigi had already landed. "...I would've got him."

"Okay, asshole," Wario yelled as Luigi began to regain consciousness, "tell us what's going on over here before I fucking kill you!"

"I'm literally dead."

"Then I'll kill you again!"

"For the record, my yellow ball of sunshine, you didn't have to be involved. My master is only after Luigi."

"Really? Does that mean I can leave?"

"What!?" Luigi exclaimed.

"Sure thing!" Death waved his scythe, and a door appeared before Wario. "Enter this door and it'll take you right back to your house!"

"Well, it's been fun, buddy," Wario said as he tipped his cap to the plumber, "but I've got money to make and laws to break. Hope you get out soon!"

Wario scuttled through the door, which Death promptly shut. Death then counted down to three on his fingers. Once the time was up, he opened the door, allowing Wario to run back to the castle in a panic. Gunfire and screaming could be heard behind the door before Death waved it back out of existence.

"That wasn't my house!" Wario said, "That was Somalia!"

"Hah!" Death's ribs rattled and quaked as he burst into laughter. "You should've seen the look on your face, thinking I'd just let you leave!"

"But I thought your master only wanted Luigi!"

"Correct. This is for my own amusement."

Wario tried to tackle Death, but the wraith held Wario at bay with his scythe.

"You motherfucker!" Wario screamed, "You let me out of here, or I'm gonna turn you into a fucking broth!"

"Watch your tone with me, tough guy. The Count wants Luigi unharmed, but he didn't say anything about Luigi's greasy Ron Jeremy looking uncle, or whoever you're supposed to be."

Death then looked over Wario, turning his attention to the quivering plumber behind him.

"Luigi," Death said, "I've got shit to attend to. I'm sure you'll end up where you need to be eventually. If you need me, I'll be in the big clock tower by the back sanctum."

"And what about me!?" Wario asked.

"We're gonna let Luigi out eventually. If you wanna go home so bad, just ask your 'buddy' to lead the way."

And with that, Death vanished into a cloud of smoke. Wario turned to face his aforementioned buddy, who was glaring him down with folded arms.

"Luigi, my compadre!" Wario said with a smile, wrapping his arm around Luigi's shoulders, "I would never leave you in some spooky mansion to die, why would you even suggest that?"

"I-a haven't said that yet," Luigi grumbled.

"Good, because it wouldn't've been true. I was only leaving so that I could go get help to get you out of here! We're in this together, my friend! My buddy! My buddy chum pal friend! Now let's get out of here!"

"...You're a real piece of work, Wario."

As Luigi rose back to his feet. He gave a cursory glance along the edge of the mansion's territory.

"Looks-a like there's-a no way to get down from-a here," Luigi thought aloud.

"Maybe we can get into the castle by going through the mansion," Wario said, scratching his blocky chin, "I can't believe this 'Count' guy slapped an entire fucking mansion on the side of his castle just for a cheap trick."

Luigi's legs turned to jelly once again at the thought of the castle's master.

"If-a that reaper was just our greeting party," Luigi said, "then I wonder what-a kind of monster runs the place."

* * *

Death warped into the throne room of the castle, searching for his master. Candles were lit and the blue cushion of the throne looked worn in, and yet the room was as vacant as could be.

"Drac?" Death called out, "Hey, Drac? Where are you?"

But no one answered. Death put a phalange to his frontal bone as he puzzled to himself. Eventually, the answer came to him, and he warped out of the throne room. The room he reappeared in was a vast golden space, lined with books and far out diagrams on both of its floors - entire lifetimes must have been spent recording all of that information. The room was filled with mystical machinery mankind had never seen before. Pistons pumped. Coils sparked. Flasks bubbled with mysterious scinitllating liquids. Even Death, with all the magic he knew, couldn't tell you how most of the devices in the room worked. The only tool he could name off the top of his head was the massive telescope in the back, with the lens reaching higher than the railing on the library's second floor. Death spotted a man cloaked in black standing behind the telescope.

"Hey, Drac!" Death said as he hovered over to his master, "You got a minute?"

Count Dracula looked over at the spectre. His skin didn't have a drop of color to spare, and neither did the locks of hair scattered wildly around his head. When he opened his mouth to speak, two fangs poked out from behind his lips.

"Sure." Dracula's voice was raspy and strained, as if speaking a single word took every fiber of strength in his being. When Death was side by side with the count, the former could see that the latter had a marble urn in one hand and a little feather duster in the other.

"Just wanted to let you know we got Luigi."

"I see. I'll inform Dimentio the next time I run into him."

"Cool. Alright, I'm gonna go hang out in the clock tower if you need me-"

Right as Death was about to warp away, a faint beeping began to echo around the room. Death looked down, and saw that Dracula's Villainoct transceiver was resting on a counter extending from the wall, beeping away. Dracula noticed Death staring at the device.

"Leave it," Dracula said, "As you can see, I am preoccupied."

"Are you sure? Might be important," Death said, to no response, "...I could clean her off for you while you take care of your stuff."

"Hmm...I suppose I do have other business to take care of." Dracula handed the urn and the duster to Death before walking off. "Put her back on that counter when you're finished."

"You got it, boss." Death looked up at the telescope towering over the both of them. "I take it Lisa liked this thing back in the day."

Dracula stopped, his back kept towards the telescope.

"Out of all of our possessions, that was her favorite. I never understood why. It's so simple, even a child could figure it out. Either way, though, I know that that's where she would want to rest."

Dracula raised a hand into the air as his body burst into flames.

"I'm heading out now, Death. Keep things under control here."

"Wait, Drac!" Death called.

"What?"

"Do you know where the Cheez Doodles are?"

"You put them in the pantry above the kitchen sink."

"Oh yeah!" Death vanished, quickly reappearing with a bag of Cheez Doodles under his arm. Dracula stared the spectre down with lifeless eyes. "What?"

"You're going to get cheese dust on my wife."

"Well I'll be dusting her off anyway, won't I?"

Dracula glared at Death in silence before disappearing in a pillar of fire. Death set the urn down on the counter and ripped open the Cheez Doodles.

"You just wait right there, Lisa, Death needs a snack break...I wonder how Drac would be doing right now if you were still here."


	14. A1C14 - Rx: Take As Needed

Before the little chapter 9 incident, the breakroom in the Orpheon looked pretty standard. Stale white walls, dull rectangular lights, a lukewarm water cooler and a rickety refrigerator. It wasn't much, but it was home. Upon entering the breakroom, Red stepped into the bathroom while Purple perused through the fridge.

"Ooh, come to daddy!" Purple said, pulling out a rumpled little sandwich bag. He plopped down at a table and ripped open the bag. To his delight, the most delectably golden brown sandwich awaited him inside. The bread was toasted to perfection, russian dressing dripped out of the sides, and the whole affair had a savory aroma that wafted up to Purple's Zebesian olfactory receptors. Without hesitation, he dug right in. Red, meanwhile, stepped out of the bathroom and opened the fridge.

"Ugh, really?" Red said to himself, "This is just childish."

"What's up?" Purple asked.

"Someone took my sandwich out of the fridge! I even wrote my identification code on the baggy."

"Man, that's tragic." Purple crumpled up his sandwich bag and pushed it towards the edge of the table. "Hey, wanna throw this out for me? You're closer to the bin."

"Sure." As Red reached over and picked up the bag, he noticed the sandwich Purple was stuffing in his face. "...What type of sandwich is that?"

"Hmm? Oh, uh…" Purple picked apart what was left of the sandwich. "Grilled turkey. Mmm. Is that sauerkraut? Guess it's a reuben."

"A grilled turkey reuben? My sandwich was a grilled turkey reuben."

Purple froze. "...Uh...what's your point?"

"Are you eating my sandwich?"

"Just because I'm eating _a_ grilled turkey reuben doesn't mean that it's _your_ grilled turkey reuben."

Red uncrumpled the paper bag and examined it. "This has my ID code on it!"

"No it doesn't."

Red showed Purple the number markered onto the bag, and then gestured to the code printed onto his claw. They matched.

"What?" Purple tried to feign a confused look at his own ID code as he shoved the rest of the reuben into his mouth. "Oh no way! I thought that was _my _ID code! Man, some poor guy must have a lot of my fucked up paperwork on his hands."

Red simply grumbled as he filled a plastic cup with some water and sat down with Purple. The two waited there in silence for a while. Purple stared out the window, watching as Tallon IV grew closer and closer.

"Hey, uh...that short guy, he said he was gonna land the Orpheon, right?" Purple asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"Did he say he was gonna _land _land it?"

"How many ways can you land a ship?"

"Well, I'm just wondering whether he's going to actually land the Orpheon on the ground and let us get off, or just jump off when it gets close enough and not tell us."

"He very clearly said he was going to land the ship."

"I'm just saying, we're coming in real hot on Tallon right now."

Red stood up from the table. "Would it make you feel better if we went back and asked him ourselves?"

"Yes, actually, it would."

And so Red and Purple made their way back up to the cockpit to check in on Toon, only to find that Toon wasn't there.

"Ruh roh," Purple said, as the Orpheon exploded into the ground. The final thread of stability the Orpheon had been clinging to snapped, and the ship screeched as it burst into a hurricane of steel. Molten metal splattered across the dusty surface of Tallon IV, only to harden again in the form of crooked spikes sticking out of the ground. Smoke covered the sky, glass danced through the air, and Space Pirate bodies went flying like confetti. Truly, the Orpheon had been obliterated.

Red pushed himself back up to his feet, hacking on the smog exuding from the bodies of his comrades. He looked around. If he was still in the cockpit, it didn't look like a cockpit anymore. The floor was jagged, torn open and still glowing with the heat of the impact. Wind roared by, whirling through the flames of the Orpheon, but a voice managed to claw its way to the surface.

"Help! Help me!"

It was Purple's voice! Red scuttled through the wreckage of the Orpheon, following Purple's cries. Red found his coworker in a rift in the floor. Purple was hanging onto the ledge, his glossy bug body swaying over an array of shrapnel and spikes. The metal ledge Purple was gripping was beginning to warp under the heat, seeping out from the grip of his pincer.

"Oh, thank goodness!" Purple said, "Quick, help me up!"

"Yeah, yeah, I got you, pal." Red bent over and reached out to Purple. He barely even skimmed Purple's claw, however, before pulling back. "Oh gee, I don't know if I can do it, actually."

"What do you mean?"

"Well I'm just feeling so famished since I didn't get to eat my lunch today."

"Oh are you fucking kidding me!?"

"It's no joke, my friend. My blood pressure is feeling lower than that pit you're hanging over."

"I will buy you another fucking sandwich, just pull me up!"

"You will buy me two sandwiches!"

"That is really pushing it!"

The ledge Purple was grasping creaked and moaned, dropping the Space Pirate a few inches as it began to separate.

"Alright, fine!" Purple cried, "Just help me!"

Red grabbed Purple's claw and yanked him up onto the floor. The two laid sprawled there on the searing coal bed that was the floor, the weight of the situation rattling through their exoskeletons. Darkness was cast over them by a section of the ship that'd been ripped off and flipped sideways, now pointing up into the sky.

"For the record," Purple sighed, "I'm not buying you shit."

"You better be dead the next time I look at you." Red rolled over, his back to his coworker as he mulled on what'd happened. Oh man, what'd happened? Just a few hours ago, today was a typical work day on the Orpheon. Maybe it was a little frustrating to be assigned to work with an idiot who didn't know how to walk and chew gum, but nothing more. Now the Orpheon was gone, the clone had escaped, and Red was stranded in space. What would Ridley say? He probably wouldn't say much of anything. Not before ripping Red in half and slurping out his inside juices. Oh, what a day.

None of this was helped by Purple giving Red a nice poke to the shoulder. Red rolled over, raising his meaty arm to retaliate.

"Alright, that's it, dickhead!" Red exclaimed.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Purple said, raising his arms in defence, "I didn't even do anything that time!"

"Yeah you did! You just-"

Just then, a little piece of scrap metal fell from the sky, landing on Red's shoulder and producing the same pokey feeling.

"...poked me?" Red trailed off.

"No I didn't!" Another piece of scrap fell down. Purple, as he was staring directly at his coworker, felt the scrap come down and strike him on his back. "Hey, now _you _just poked _me!_"

"You are actually more stupid than dirt."

As the scrap continued to come down, Red and Purple turned their heads up to the source of the rainfall. The scrap was popping out from behind the metal pike shooting up into the air. Red and Purple made their way around the pike, climbing over some rubble and fallen Space Pirates. They both recognized the room they ended up in as the remains of a biotech research area - the milky slime that once filled the cloning tanks coated their feet as they walked in. A mound of broken glass and wires sat in the center of the room, spouting scrap metal over the pike, but it didn't do so on its own accord. Dimentio of the Villainoct fluttered around the scrap pile, digging through it while mumbling to himself.

"Hey, wait!" Purple whispered, stopping dead in his tracks, "Isn't that one of those guys Ridley works with?"

"I think it is," Red replied, "Dimentio, I think his name is."

Red and Purple sidestepped behind the most intact tanker in the room. Squishing both of their lanky bodies behind the tanker, they observed Dimentio in his search.

"Where!? Where is she!? Where could she be!?" Dimentio's voice, for once, was shaky and violent, his whole papery body jittering as he murmured to himself. "Please be okay, Mother! Everything relies on you!" Throughout the whole affair, Dimentio's transceiver was beeping wildly to no avail.

"Mother?" Red said, peeking from behind the tanker, "Can a paper doll even have a mother? What is he talking about?"

"Maybe it's metaphorical," Purple said, peeking from behind Red, "like something I learned about in literature class."

"Or maybe he's just crazy," Dimentio said, peeking from behind Purple.

"Probably," Red and Purple replied. They then jumped, whipping around to see the jester floating behind them. He bounced around with his normal gleeful disposition.

"D-D-Dimentio!" Red stammered, his spindly legs shaking.

"Y-y-yes! Hahahaha!" Dimentio did a little bow, still jittering with laughter. "And who might you be?"

"Orpheon Class 5 authority, identification code c2174c, sir!"

"Orpheon Class 5 authority, identification code...uh…" Purple glanced down at the black code on his claw. "994094, sir."

"It's a pleasure to meet the both of you." Dimentio floated back to the garbage pile in the center of the room. "Don't mind me, gentlemen. I left something behind on the Orpheon before the accident, and I'm simply here to retrieve it. Feel free to drift on your way, like a leaf blown aside by an autumn breeze."

As Dimentio returned to his work, Red and Purple began to whisper to each other in a huddle.

"You're thinking what I'm thinking, right?" Red said.

"No, but your idea probably makes more sense than mine," Purple replied, "Go on."

"If we help this guy find whatever he's looking for, maybe Ridley will overlook how we let Mario's clone escape!"

"Ooh, good idea! How do we do it?"

"Subtlety. We have to approach him naturally. Otherwise, he'll know something's up. We're gonna walk up to him right now, and you'll get him talking to us with that colossal yap of yours. I'll take over whenever we get to any actual persuasion; just follow my lead and try not to say too much."

"Don't worry, I got this under control."

Red and Purple sauntered up to Dimentio, their master plan in play.

"Hey, Dimentio," Purple began, "did you want some help finding whatever it is you're looking for?"

"Why do you ask?" Dimentio said.

"So that Ridley will overlook how we let the Mario clone escape."

"Oh fuck me." Red dropped to his knees, his exoskeleton rattling in fatigue.

Dimentio zipped out into the hallway, returning a moment later with two Zebesian corpses in tow. One was red, and the other was purple. The jester dropped the bodies onto the floor, and with a snap of his fingers, the arms of the corpses began to glow. Red and Purple's arms lit up too, almost blindingly. The flash lasted only an instant, and when it was over, the codes on their arms were now different. They looked at the codes on the arms of the bodies; sure enough, the corpses now wore Red and Purple's old codes.

"There!" Dimentio said, "Now Ridley will think you two died in the crash. He'll have his revenge, and you'll get off scot free."

Red and Purple jumped up for joy, holding each other as they teared up in relief. Even amongst the smoldering wreckage of the Orpheon, a wave of warmth rolled over them. They were finally free.

"Thanks, Dimentio!" Purple cheered, "You're the best!"

"It was my pleasure, gentlemen! Now then, you said you'd help me find my missing treasure, right?"

"Of course!" Red replied, "We'll do anything for you!"

"Excellent! Now then, what I'm looking for is in a petri dish. It's a culture Ridley was doing me the favor of maintaining before the frigate went down. I would be fine looking for it myself, but I'm being summoned to a Villainoct meeting." Dimentio gestured to the transceiver on the side of his mask, still beeping away.

"Not to intrude, sir, but if the culture is important for a plan of yours, surely they'll be okay with you skipping a meeting to look for it, no?"

"Eh, I haven't exactly told the Villainoct too much about this culture."

"Oh," Purple said, "so it's a secret?"

"No no no no no! No, I, uh...I wouldn't call it a _secret_ so much as a...a _surprise!_"

"A surprise?" Red asked.

"Yes, yes! Like a birthday cake!"

"I love birthday cake!" Purple exclaimed, "I wish I had a birthday, instead of a laboratory synthesis day."

"You can count on us, sir," Red affirmed, "to find that culture! No matter how long it takes."

"That's the spirit, boys!" Dimentio waved his hands in the air, drawing a box around himself as he prepared to teleport. "But don't take too long, now, or the culture might die off. I'll be heading out now, so-"

"Wait, wait, Dimentio!" Purple asked, "What should we do if the culture does die?"

"Oh, if it dies, I'll murder you both and stretch your innards like taffy. Ciao!"

On that note, Dimentio blinked out of the air, leaving Red and Purple dumbfounded. They slowly turned to look at each other, silent for a while.

"You know," Purple said to his comrade, "for a second there, I almost thought we were gonna catch a break."

* * *

The Space Pirates were an unsettling bunch. They marched without error, their steps unfaltering and their gaze empty. It hardly seemed as though they knew were they were going, as if strings were pulling them to destinations untold. Were they even alive? Dr. Mario had only heard two of them speak before, and they seemed like more of an exception than the status quo. The Pirates on Tallon IV looked different from those two anyway, with snarling jaws and raptor-like feet. But for all their differences, Tallon's Pirates and the Orpheon's marched all the same; mindlessly.

Dr. Mario and Toon Link had been trailing a group of the Space Pirates for at least half an hour now - more specifically, with the mummified Toon Link wrapped up in the doctor's arms. This particular troop of Pirates was covered in wounds and abscesses, sputtering glow stick yellow blood across the sandy plains below. Surely, they were headed for some sort of medical facility to patch themselves up. Or maybe they were heading towards a landfill to dump themselves in and die. By now, though, Dr. Mario figured he could get some use out of that as well. Dr. Mario rolled behind a rock for cover, laying Toon onto the ground as he panted for air.

"What are you doing, Doc?" Toon asked, "We're gonna lose them!"

"Hey...phew...give me a minute," Dr. Mario replied between gasps, "I've-a been...carrying you for a while...Upper body strength isn't-a...my specialty."

"Then I'll just walk on my own! Come on, let's get ourselves in gear!" Toon's bandages crinkled as he rose to his feet.

"Toon, you can't-a walk in your current condition."

"Yes I can!" Toon raised a foot to begin running after the Pirates. As he bent his knee, the sound of several bones fracturing came from his leg. "Maybe I can't."

Dr. Mario snickered at his goofy little companion. Just then, their antics were interrupted by the shrieking cry of an engine cut through the air. Dr. Mario and Toon peeked out from behind their rock, but wisps of sand blinded them. The dust was being thrown about by a Space Pirate vessel descending to the ground. It was sleek and green, shaped much like a horseshoe crab with an undulating titanium tail. After rubbing their eyes, Dr. Mario and Toon watched the wounded Space Pirates board the vessel.

"Oh, great," Dr. Mario said, "how are we supposed to-a follow them now? We'll-a never be able to keep up with that ship!"

"Not necessarily!" Toon grabbed his hookshot and prepared to fire it at the ship. As he aimed the hookshot, however, he felt something snap in his wrist. Along with it came a searing bolt of pain. He cried out in pain, dropping the hookshot.

"Are-a you alright?" Dr. Mario asked.

"Yeah, yeah," Toon replied through gritted teeth, "but, uh, I don't think I can use that thing right now. You'll have to do it."

"What!? Me!?"

"Don't sweat it, man. Just aim it where you want the hook to go and squeeze the handle. You'll be fine."

Reluctantly, Dr. Mario picked the hookshot up off the ground and pointed it at the vessel. With his free hand, he grabbed Toon by his stubby little arm. The doctor tried to keep the hookshot steady, but the vessel itself swayed as it began to hover into the air.

"Where should I-a shoot it?" Dr. Mario asked.

"Try to get it onto the underside of the green part. It looks like the most stable part of the ship."

Dr. Mario aimed the hookshot and let it loose. The hook struck the very tip of the vessel's tail, still whipping around wildly.

"Or just hook it onto the fucking tail, I guess," Toon shrugged, "That works too, right?"

"Che cazzo! How am I supposed to know how to use this-a thing!?"

"What do you mean how!? You point and you squeeze! It couldn't be any simpler, Doc!"

"It's-a too simple! There should be a scope, or a trigger! Fanculo, even a slingshot, I can at least pull the-"

Before the two could finish arguing, the Space Pirate vessel blasted off into the air, yanking the doctor and Toon along with it. The wind stung as it whipped by their skin, and every time the tail flailed from side to side, they felt their brains slam against their skulls. Toon Link in particular felt his already sore muscles being pulled to their limits. After an agonizingly long flight, the vessel came to a sharp stop. The force of the stop ripped the hookshot out of Dr. Mario's hands, sending the both of them hurtling into the sandy dirt below.

"Ugh…" Toon gurgled through chipped teeth and a mouthful of sand, "Well, I have some constructive criticism about your form, but overall, you did pretty good."

"Yeah, thanks." Dr. Mario rubbed a bleeding temple as he pulled up his head and scanned the scenery. The two had landed in some sort of quarry. Cliffs of slate surrounded them from all sides, with factories and stations built into the stone. A creaky crane swung over everyone's heads, moving minerals from one side of the mines to the other. The sun had begun to rise, but its rays could hardly pierce the hazy pink dust cloud hanging over the quarry. Dr. Mario hacked and wheezed on the soot as he watched the wounded Space Pirates march out of the vessel. The doctor scooped up Toon and rolled over to the vessel. They ripped off the hookshot before the vessel took off, and then pursued the bleeding troop into the quarry.

"Toon," Dr. Mario said as they stepped into a bleak metal station, "things could turn-a south quickly. I know you're-a not at your best right now, but are you ready to defend yourself if need be?"

"I'm sure I could make do. I've got my bow, I've got my shield, I've got my-..." Toon patted down his bandaged body as his words trailed off. "...Huh. Guess I left my sword on the Orpheon."

"You mean-a the Master Sword!? Isn't that one of the most important-a weapons in the world!?"

"Well the _real_ one is, yeah. Mine was just a duplicate."

"It was?"

"Yeah, dude, all of my stuff's fake. I'm sure the Villainoct had a hell of a time just getting a DNA sample from the real Link. Snatching his equipment wouldn't be nearly worth the trouble."

"Hmm...the Villainoct. I've-a heard that word before. What does it mean? Does it have to-a do with the Space Pirates?"

Toon Link shrugged. "Eh, kinda, I think. Honestly, I don't know too much about them either. I'm just going off of what I've heard from the guys on the Orpheon. But I'm pretty sure they're this group of super bad dudes. Ridley's a part of it, that's how the Space Pirates are connected. Wolf O'Donnell's part of it too."

"Wolf," Mario thought aloud, "The guy you-a said you fought on the Orpheon. And the guy I think I ran into myself."

"Mhm. That's why he was on the Orpheon in the first place, because he's part of the Villainoct."

"Do you know if anyone called-a Bowser is part of the Villainoct?"

"Never heard of him. I can't think of any other names, actually."

"Hmm...oh? It-a looks like we might be here."

The two came up to an open doorway, with a dull light radiating out into the hall. Dr. Mario pressed his back to the wall and poked his head over the side; sure enough, the wounded Space Pirates were being treated inside. Robotic nurses filed through the queues of Pirates, using their spindly arms to slather the Pirates with a viscous goo. Upon contact with the goo, every gash and tear on the Pirates' bodies slowly pulled themselves together.

"What do we do?" Dr. Mario whispered to his friend.

"Just walk in all casual," Toon said, "I got an idea."

"W-walk in?"

"Yeah, just get me in there. I'll take it away."

Dr. Mario pulled his head back. That wickedness overtook him again. It glued him to the ground, forcing itself through his legs like the beams of a house. Damn these walls, caving in around the doctor. Damn this ringing, overwhelming his senses in the silence of the facility. Damn those Space Pirates, ready to fill the both of them with holes the second they walked through the door. It was the threat of death that terrified the doctor so much - if death was such a danger, why hadn't it claimed him already? Dr. Mario could've died so many times within the past few hours alone. Was death just trying to play with him now? If so, did he really have anything to fear? Oh god, how could he know. What was it he was really afraid of by now?

"Hey, Doc," Toon probed, "are we moving or what?"

"Huh? Sorry, I was...out of it for a bit."

"C'mon, Doc, you know we got this."

Toon Link gave his friend a thumbs up, audibly shredding his abductor pollicis longus in the process. Dr. Mario nodded and, with a deep breath, stepped into the infirmary. Every Space Pirate in the room, no matter how injured, sat up and aimed their claw cannons at the duo.

"Hold your fire, gentlemen," Toon Link commanded with a smile, "We're Space Pirates like you."

That certainly did nothing to help the doctor's anxiety.

"You are...Space Pirates?" asked one of the Space Pirates, with a voice as lively as a fax machine.

"Obviously! Are _you_ a Space Pirate, smart guy?"

"What is your identification code?"

"Ah, trying to dodge the question, I see! What's _your_ identification code?"

"Tallon IV Class 7 authority, identification code 2c503e."

"Ay! No kidding! My identification code is 2c502e!"

The Space Pirate stared at Toon blankly for a while. During the whole facade, Toon's smile didn't falter once. It turned its head to Dr. Mario; the simple motion made the doctor flinch.

"And what is your identification code?"

"Uh…" Dr. Mario replied, "2c...504e?"

"Objection." Another Space Pirate in the back of the room cut the doctor off. "Your identification code is a duplicate of mine."

The Space Pirate held up its claw, displaying its code: 2c504e. Dr. Mario and Toon Link turned to each other, their mouths agape in shock.

"Oh shit, boys," Toon Link shouted, pointing to the real 2c504e, "we got an imposter! Everyone, get him!"

Immediately, every other Space Pirate pounced onto 2c504e. After being thrown onto the ground, 2c504e had its exoskeleton kicked in by its misinformed comrades. Its rubbery innards spilled out onto the ground, and yet the Pirates didn't relent. They kicked the poor scapegoat so hard, their own feet began to break open, contributing to the puddle of blood pooling on the floor. 2c504e should've died in an instant.

Just as it approached the end of its mortal coil, however, a robot nurse hovered over to the victim and slathered him in the medical mixture. It was in their programming to keep all nearby Space Pirates alive - even against the wishes of other Space Pirates. 2c504e's open wounds pulled themselves shut, but for every gash that closed, three more were cut open by the talons of the other Pirates. 2c504e was now smothered by a crowd of Pirates and robots, being simultaneously resuscitated one second and splattered to bits the other. It was the worst hell one could imagine, and Dr. Mario and Toon Link were forced to watch it unfold. How long was it until the doctor became numb to the shrill screeching of the Pirate on the ground, or the rancid stench of its organs? But as the doctor filtered out the bloodbath before him, the robot nurses began to realize what was going on.

They weren't just machines obeying simple commands; they were programmed with deep learning, able to adapt to any situation this alien planet could come up with. They began to notice how quickly 2c504e was getting wounded, and how each wound seemed so similar to the last. Their programs decided to attack these injuries at their source: the other Space Pirates. Wrapping their wiry arms around the violent Pirates, they used every bit of charge in their batteries to try and pull the crowd apart. But the hostile Pirates, now frothing from their toothy mouths, wouldn't have any of it. The Pirates ripped their robot nurses into pieces. With their claws dug between the metal plating, they let out blood curdling screams as they shredded the nurses who'd just put them back together. More nurses filed into the room from the hall; all of them met the same demise. Even worse, the jagged remains of the nurses were used by the Pirates to continue 2c504e's torment. The Pirates picked up and held 2c504e's sputtering body against the wall, its arms stretched out horizontally. 2c504e presented no objection; blinded, deafened, nearly quartered and drawn, it had lost all sensation long ago. The last agony the Pirate ever suffered was the feeling of a cold metal pike being dug through its right palm. In fact, it was the thin arm of a robot nurse, now weaponized by the Pirate's bloodthirsty brothers. With another arm being driven into the Pirate's left palm, 2c504e's final moments were spent being crucified against the wall of the infirmary. Even that was too much dignity for the other Space Pirates to give, however, and they continued beating the body to a pulp.

The nurses came to understand how pointless their efforts were, and decided to try a new route. Their objective was to keep the Space Pirates alive, and as long as this conflict raged on, Space Pirates were at risk of dying. They deemed peacefully separating the Pirates ineffective; the only way to keep the Space Pirates from killing each other now was to kill all of the Space Pirates. Arming themselves with scalpels and syringes, the nurses agreed to neutralize any entity that harmed a Space Pirate. The second a belligerent Pirate laid a hand on 2c504e's body, they found themselves with a nurse on their back, digging a scalpel into their neck. The Pirates all dropped to the floor one by one, their screams sinking away beneath the whirring and hissing of their cybernetic killers. The nurses had successfully quelled the conflict, but at a price; by killing the Pirates that had harmed another Pirate, they had themselves harmed Space Pirates. They needed to be neutralized. To complete their mission, they had no choice but to ram themselves into the walls of the infirmary, again and again without relent. Even as their metal shells cracked open and their inner circuitry shattered, they only ran faster and faster into the wall before them. Only when their broken busted bodies couldn't hold themselves together did the nurses stop.

By the time the nurses ceased to move, the room was left a hellish graveyard. Blood and oil seeped through Dr. Mario's shoes, squirming its way between his toes. All of the beds were now decorated with garlands of intestinal tract. Sparks flew from the debris of the nurses and lit the Pirate bodies on fire. And as 2c504e hung over this gruesome battlefield, one could almost say that it got the last laugh; it's heart was the last of it's troop to stop beating. Dr. Mario dropped to his knees, squishing onto some meaty bits as he fell. He laid down Toon Link and rested his head in his hands. He had no words. He no longer wished to speak, or to move, or even to be healed. In this moment, he wished only for death.

"See, Doc?" Toon said as he pumped his fist in the air, "I told you we got this!"

Dr. Mario picked himself up off of the floor, scooping his little friend up along with him. Once he grew the courage to force himself into the carnage, the doctor placed Toon atop the cleanest bed left in the infirmary. For himself, he reserved the second cleanest bed. Who was he kidding, they were all equally filthy.

"Monita," Dr. Mario asked his electronic assistant as he hopped up onto the bed, "how do we-a fix ourselves up?"

"REMAIN SEATED IN THESE BEDS. I HAVE SENT OUT A PRIORITY ALERT; AN AUTOMATED HEALTHCARE ASSISTANT WILL BE HERE SHORTLY TO TREAT YOU."

"Okay, but like," Toon added, "if, hypothetically speaking, every nurse in this facility just committed a miniature robotic Jonestown of sorts, what would we do then?"

"YOU CAN ATTEMPT TO PERFORM THE NECESSARY PROCEDURES ON YOUR OWN. I WILL INSTRUCT YOU TO THE BEST OF MY CAPACITY."

"Sounds about par for the course." Dr. Mario cracked his knuckles to prepare for his first procedure. "I'll-a fix myself first, Toon, so I can properly help you."

"You got it, Doc," Toon said, "I don't really have anywhere else to be, and I couldn't go there if I did."

Dr. Mario nodded and looked over at his supplies. On a mobile tray next to the bed, Dr. Mario had a complete set of tools before them. They all spiraled and twisted in ways no Earthly equipment ever would. Before being coated in Space Pirate remains, they were all a sterile shade of white, including some opaque jars holding who knows what.

"Monita," Dr. Mario asked, "how do I-a treat bupivacaine overdose? It-a was your last diagnosis for me."

"CALCULATING...RECOMMENDED APPROACH: LIPID RESCUE. RETRIEVE THE BAG LABELED INTRALIPID AND HANG IT ON THE STAND BEHIND YOU."

The doctor sifted through the mess on the tray. The Intralipid baggie in question had a thin strand of tubing trailing out from a little nozzle on the bottom.

"What's-a this?" Dr. Mario asked, wrapping the tube around his pinky finger as he hung the bag.

"THAT IS THE CATHETER WE WILL BE USING."

Dr. Mario immediately began gushing sweat, and he couldn't swallow for the life of him.

"Uh...using...using how?"

"WE WILL BE STARTING AN INTRAVENOUS INFUSION USING A VEIN IN YOUR ARM."

"Phew. Okay." Dr. Mario brushed the sweat off of his greasy Italian skin. "What-a next?"

"LOCATE A VEIN RUNNING ALONG THE ANTERIOR SIDE OF YOUR ARM. IDEALLY, YOU SHOULD CHOOSE A VEIN YOU CAN FEEL FROM BENEATH YOUR SKIN."

Dr. Mario removed his lab coat and ripped a hole into his bodysuit. Running a fingertip along his bare arm, he picked out a vein he liked.

"ONCE YOU HAVE FOUND A SUITABLE VEIN, INSERT THE CATHETER WITH THE BEVEL POINTED UP AND THE CATHETER RUNNING TOWARDS YOUR SHOULDER. WITH THE CATHETER INSERTED, PULL THE SKIN AROUND THE INSERTION AREA TAUT AND TAPE THE CATHETER IN PLACE."

"So, I have to-a stab myself." Dr. Mario grabbed the catheter and brought it to his arm. He held back from putting it in, but the longer he waited, the less steady his hand became. "Do you have any tips?"

"TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND RELAX."

"So much for-a that. Huff...Here we go."

After a few moments of trembling, Dr. Mario jabbed himself with the tube. His stomach turned at the sight of his own blood peeking out through the catheter, but he managed to hold down his lunch as he taped the IV down. Has he ever actually eaten lunch? What was his body fed while he was in the simulation?

"How-a long," Dr. Mario asked, "should I leave this in?"

"YOUR CARDIOTOXICITY WAS NOT SEVERE. AFTER TEN MINUTES, YOU SHOULD BE SAFE TO REMOVE THE CATHETER."

"Sick!" Toon cheered, "See, you _can_ be a doctor!"

"Haha," Dr. Mario replied, "Yeah, it-a wasn't that hard."

"TO BE FAIR, I DID SKIP OVER SEVERAL CRUCIAL PROTOCOLS TO AVOID OVERWHELMING THE PATIENT. FOR EXAMPLE, AN INITIAL THIRTY MILLIGRAM DOSE OF THE INTRALIPID DELIVERED VIA INJECTION IS TYPICALLY RECOMMENDED BEFORE STARTING THE DRIP."

"Gee, thanks-a for the undercut."

"YOU'RE WELCOME."

Dr. Mario sighed, dropping his head in his hands. Toon Link, at least, found it funny.

"Well, we've-a got some time. How are-a you feeling, Toon?"

"Good, good," Toon answered, "Barely even feel all of my broken bones right now. Well now that I brought it up, I feel it. Shit."

"We don't have anywhere to go. Just-a try to stay still."

"That won't be hard, at least."

Even within the bonds of his bandages, however, Toon knew he was lying. His fingers and toes wiggled thoroughly beneath the gauze, begging for freedom. He could feel his joints locking up, his muscles atrophying every second he wasn't running and hopping around.

"Speaking of which," Toon said, "where _should_ we go after this."

"Huh?"

"Where should we go? What should we do?"

"Hmm...I'd-a say we get some type of a ship. One that can-a get us off of this planet."

"Yeah, but like, what do we do _after_ that?"

"What do you-a mean?" Dr. Mario asked. Toon Link rolled himself over so that he was facing his friend.

"What are we gonna do with our lives? We're going through so much trouble to keep ourselves alive, we oughta do something with our time."

"Huh...I-a hadn't thought that far." Dr. Mario clutched his forehead. He could feel his brain pounding as the thought came to his attention. "We could really do anything, couldn't we?"

"Yeah! We could try and get back to our world and meet our original doppelgangers. We could try to take down the Space Pirates. We could try to take over an alien planet conquistador style and become kings. I don't think good guys are supposed to do things like that last one, though...Are we the good guys, Doc?"

"I'm-a not fit to process a question like that right-a now, Toon." Dr. Mario began to sweat again, and the walls grew tighter with every thought the doctor had. "Monita, is this-a thing working?"

"UNLESS YOU CAN DETECT INFLAMMATION OR SWELLING AROUND THE IV SITE, THE INFUSION SHOULD BE FULLY OPERATIONAL."

"Maybe I-a just need to take my mind off of things." Dr. Mario slid off of his bed and wheeled the IV rack closer to Toon. "I'm-a gonna patch you up now, Toon."

"Shouldn't you wait until that drip's done with, Doc?"

"Maybe. Monita, how do we-a fix Toon?"

"DOES THE PATIENT HAVE A DIAGNOSIS?"

"Technically not." Dr. Mario glanced over Toon's tiny mummy body. "Toon, what-a part of you exactly is-a hurting right now?"

"Doc, I think literally every cell in my body is damaged right now."

"RECOMMENDED INITIAL TREATMENT: ALL PURPOSE REGENERATIVE SAP. LOCATE THE CONTAINER LABELED 'HEALING SPROUT'."

Dr. Mario sifted through the tray next to Toon's table, finding the jar in question. Upon opening the jar, he found the gelatinous slush the nurses had applied to the Space Pirates earlier. It was a translucent green, and had one leafy sprout suspended in its center.

"What's-a that?" Dr. Mario asked.

"THAT IS A SPECIMEN OF AUREUM SOLIS, INFORMALLY REFERRED TO AS THE HEALING SPROUT. IT COMES FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION. THE SPROUT RELEASES A STICKY GREEN SAP, WHICH HAS BEEN FOUND TO CONTAIN A MULTITUDE OF AMINO ACIDS AS WELL AS NATURAL ORGANIC ENERGY. AFTER BEING GENETICALLY ENGINEERED BY SPACE PIRATE BIOTECHNICIANS, THE SAP USES THESE COMPONENTS TO ENCOURAGE CELLULAR REGENERATION UPON CONTACT. IT NOT ONLY SPEEDS UP THE PROCESS, BUT IT ALSO PUSHES IT BEYOND ITS NORMAL CAPABILITIES, ALLOWING SOME INJURIES THAT ARE USUALLY LETHAL TO BE REPAIRED. THE SAP IS COMPATIBLE WITH EVERY LIVING ORGANISM THE SPACE PIRATES HAVE TESTED IT ON."

"Huh. Let's-a try it out."

Dr. Mario peeled back Toon's bandages to reveal the latter's skin, still covered in blisters and gashes. All of Toon's personal items - including several volatile explosives - dropped onto the floor after being encased in the gauze.

"Oh Jesus!" Toon exclaimed, flinching as his smart bombs hit the floor. "Did you seriously wrap me up with all of my bombs!? What if you dropped me and I went kablooey!?"

"Go easy on me! Your clothes were too tattered to hold anything, and my pockets are-a full!"

The doctor scooped a ball of the sap out of the jar and began to rub it over Toon's body. Toon winced, but couldn't help chuckling as he watched the green gel jiggle around in the doctor's hand. Sure enough, just as they'd seen before, Toon's wounds began to pull themselves back together. His blisters popped and drained themselves, and his skin returned to its usual rosy color.

"Woohoo! I'm feeling 100% already!" Toon Link jumped out of bed, landing on the floor with a triple somersault. His skin ripped back open, and all of his bones unfused and broke again. "Woohoo, I'm feeling like 40% or so already."

"Give it-a time to work, Toon," Dr. Mario said, reapplying the healing sprout goo, "Frankly, I've-a got no idea how you survived this long."

"Me neither, honestly." Toon rubbed his chin as he rolled back onto the bed. "All I remember is Wolf beating me senseless. And then I saw this...yellow glow. Like someone was peeing in my eyes. And suddenly, I felt a lot cooler. I had all this energy, and I couldn't feel any pain. I really couldn't tell you what it was. Maybe it was just determination or something."

"Sounds about par for the course for-a the Triforce of Courage."

"The what of courage?"

"The Triforce. That-a relic that you-...oh, right, you wouldn't have-a heard of it."

Toon shot up from the bed again and tugged on Dr. Mario's arm, ignoring the new tears in his skin.

"What is it!? What is it!? What is it!? What is it!?"

"Settle-a down, Toon! I don't know! That's-a not really my specialty. Mama Mia. Sometimes, I-a can't tell when you're being-a brave and when you're just being a child."

"I was born a few weeks ago; I'm always a child."

Toon managed to pull a laugh out of Dr. Mario. Toon smiled, his mission accomplished.

"Hah, okay, that was-a good. But you know who-a _really_ must've been born a few weeks ago?"

"Who?"

"Those-a red and purple Space Pirates on the Orpheon."

The two could barely speak through their laughter now. It reached the point that the fact they were still laughing was funnier than the actual topic of discussion.

"Haha! Oh man, those guys were weird. Hey, hey, but you know who really _really_ was probably born a few weeks ago?"

"Pfft, w-who? Hahaha!"

"That Space Pirate standing literally in the doorway right in front of us!"

Dr. Mario nearly leapt out of his own skin as he turned to see a Space Pirate standing literally in the doorway right in front of them. The Pirate raked his fingers along the wall of the infirmary as he approached, producing a whiny metal screech.

"Yeah, you see him!" Toon Link cheered, "Look at how doofy he looks, with his weird fish mouth and his-hey Doc, why aren't you laughing anymore?"

"What are you two doing here?" The Space Pirate reached over his shoulder to hit a blocky metal attachment on his back. With the flick of a switch, two oblong barrels popped out from the attachment, peeking from behind the Pirate. Dr. Mario crumpled into a quivering mess, his lips moving without words.

"Hold your fire, my good sir," Toon Link commanded with a smile, "We're Space Pirates like you."

"...I'm not fucking retarded."

"It worked on your friends," Toon grumbled with a pout. The Pirate looked around at the sticky mess of bile and blood strewn across the room.

"Let me guess, you tried that on some Class 7 authorities? Pirates below Class 5 are lucky if they can read. Class 7s specifically are bred for two purposes - killing things that need to be dead and not killing things that need to be alive. But me? I'm a Class 3 authority, identification code 12345e. Tricks won't save you from me."

"Alright, I can see that. No need for trickery, let's just talk this out, nice and directly."

Toon Link then turned Dr. Mario around and whispered into his ear.

"Okay, Doc," Toon said, "how are we going to trick this stupid asshole?"

"I can still hear you!"

"Can you shut the fuck up? We're trying to talk."

Toon turned back to face the doctor, leaving the Pirate in his own silence. With his teeth clenched and his body shaking, the Pirate raised his fist into the air and slammed it onto the ground. A wave of blue energy rolled across the floor, knocking Dr. Mario and Toon to the ground. Toon Link's bloated head hit the floor with a kerthunk. He could still hear it reverberating from the ground when the Pirate hoisted him into the air.

"You little punk!" the Pirate growled, "No one insults soon to be Elite Pirate Upsilon!"

Dr. Mario dug into the supplies in his pocket to ward off the Pirate. As he prepared to attack, however, he was taken aback by Toon's expression. The Hylian's cheery smile had sunk into a stone cold stare, calmly analyzing the scene even as Upsilon prepared to claw out his eyes. The doctor could practically hear the gears turning in that puffy cranium.

"Sorry, sorry, my guy," Toon sputtered as Upsilon wrung his neck, "I wouldn't wanna disrespect a Class 4 Pirate dude."

"Class 3 you idiot!" Upsilon pushed a crystalline bayonet out of his wrist, and drew it back to hack off Toon's head.

"Class 3, Class 4, what's the difference?"

"What's the difference!?" Upsilon held back his swing. He stood there for a moment, just holding up Toon, lost for words. "...W-what's the difference!? You, tch, what do you mean!? Only a Class 3 like myself can become an Elite Pirate!"

"Whuzzat?"

"What's that, the pipsqueak says. Hah! Elite Pirates are the culmination of every second we've spent on this miserable planet! Space Pirates fuelled by the power of the Phazon deposits deep inside of Tallon IV. Only 19 of the most skilled of the Space Pirates have been selected to begin the experiments, to have Phazon integrated into their genetic code. Most of them didn't even survive. What I'm trying to say is that you need a lot of guts to become an Elite Pirate. But I don't think you'll understand unless I show you directly!"

Upsilon threw back his arm again, prepping to cut Toon's head clean off.

"Actually, I think it'd be easier for me to understand if you continued to explain it to me in excruciating detail."

"Well, if that's what it'll take."

So Upsilon continued to go on and on about the Elite Pirates and how he deserved to be an Elite Pirate and why he absolutely shouldn't have been discharged five years back after just one little carpet bombing incident. Dr. Mario tuned Upsilon out, however, focusing solely on Toon. Try as he might, the doctor couldn't follow Toon's plan, unless it revolved around having Upsilon talk himself to death. All this talking had to be going somewhere. Unless, of course, Toon was just trying to give Dr. Mario time to think of something. Oh no. Oh dear God, that better not have been it.

And then, a motion from Toon Link. It would've been easy to miss, just a flicker of the hand in Dr. Mario's direction. Dr. Mario almost could've written it off as unintentional if it weren't followed by Toon pointing to the floor. The final clue Dr. Mario received was Toon's cupped hand, waiting to be filled. But from the floor? Wait, of course! Toon's stuff on the floor! The bow couldn't be of much use right now; Toon had to be asking for a smart bomb. Dr. Mario looked down to reach for a bomb, but the closest one to him was right at the base of Upsilon's foot. Sure, the Pirate was busy, but he'd definitely notice the doctor getting close enough to brush noses/snouts with. Being strung to a big metal pole by his arm wouldn't help either.

Wait. Could that be it? Dr. Mario glanced down at the bottom of the IV stand. At its base, four wheeled legs stuck out at perpendicular angles to carry the rack - the perfect angles to hook a smart bomb between. Slowly, carefully, Dr. Mario reached for the stand. With the wiry pole between just two of his fingers, he gave it a delicate tug in his direction. The second the wheels started moving, Dr. Mario swore he heard them creak. He looked back at Upsilon, his cover surely blown, but the Pirate was still chewing out Toon. Somehow, this revelation made things worse, as the IV stand began to rattle in Dr. Mario's quivering hand. The doctor couldn't even hear the noise he was making over the sound of his own heartbeat, but he pressed on regardless. He continued to drag the stand across the floor, moving no quicker than a dust bunny rolling across the floor. With every creak of the wheels, the stand inched closer and closer and his heart beat faster and faster until the doctor could finally hook the legs around the bomb! With one solid yank, he dragged the smart bomb over to his person.

Splat.

That fool. That absolute fool. How his hubris had blinded him so. In his scurry to get the smart bomb over to his feet, he'd accidentally knocked the intralipid bag off of the rack. It hit the floor with a juicy splap, drawing both Toon and Upsilon's attention. Dr. Mario swooped down just in time to palm the bomb before Upsilon could see; not that Dr. Mario could do much with it balled in his left fist.

"Hey!" Upsilon shouted, "What are you up to!?"

"Uh…" Dr. Mario thoroughly rubbed his face with his right hand, drawing Upsilon's attention while he snuck the bomb into Toon's waiting hand. "N-nothing!"

"Bullshit! Wait a minute…Pipsqueak! You were trying to distract me by making me talk, huh!? Show me what's in your hands!"

"Shit, dude," Toon replied, "you can have it if you want it so bad."

Toon primed the bomb and hurled it into Upsilon's face. In the brief second between then and the explosion, Toon tried to whip out his shield, and maybe it would've even helped against the first explosion. But as fire shot out from the broken shell of the first bomb, the others on the floor cracked under the heat. Smart bombs just started popping left and right, every second, blinding everyone in the room. Before anyone could even register the pain, they felt the floor of the infirmary shatter, pulling them into the inky depths below.

It took some time for Dr. Mario to fully process the darkness around him now; the light from the smart bombs had been burnt deep into his retinas. As his eyes slowly adjusted to their new surroundings, he patted the ground beneath him with his hand. Curiously, it felt...soft. Rubbery, maybe, or more like cushioney. It was warm to the touch, and bounced back when you pushed it down. It couldn't be any type of metal, right? Sure, metals could be malleable, but not like this. Not like flesh.

Flesh?

"Doc, you fat fuck, get off of me."

Oh. Guess it was flesh.

"Sorry, Toon. My-a bad."

Dr. Mario rolled off of Toon Link, hitting the true ground beneath them; a bumpy stone cavern, wrapping around the both of them like the innards of a stone serpent.

"Mama Mia," Dr. Mario whimpered, "how did you-a come up with that-a plan so quickly?"

"Hmm? What, the thing with talking him up and the bomb and all that? I wouldn't really call that a plan, it was just a heat of the moment type thing."

"But how did you-a know you could distract him? How did you even-a know there was space beneath the floor?"

"Oh, easy. When my head hit the floor, I heard it reverberate, like when you hit a bongo. There wouldn't be that echo if it was just solid metal underneath. And I knew I could talk up that Pirate by the way he presented himself. He's a textbook narcissist. He could have just cut us into pieces the second he walked in, but instead he made a huge deal to tell us who he was and why he was so cool. I knew if I could get him talking, he probably wouldn't stop."

"That's a lot to observe in a few seconds, don't you think?"

"I try not to."

Dr. Mario reached his hand out to help Toon onto his feet. Although he couldn't make the Hylian out very clearly, Dr. Mario could feel that his friend's hand was slicked with blood and cracking all over.

"Are-a you okay, Toon?"

"I mean, no. We just took like eight bombs to the face, my guy. What, are _you_ okay?"

"Well...yeah, kind of."

Toon had a point. Dr. Mario didn't dodge or guard himself or anything. He should be curled up on the floor, clutching bare bones as the sinue between his muscles melted away. And yet, he felt fine. Maybe his skin stung a little, but otherwise, he felt as if the explosion hadn't even happened. Dr. Mario swiveled around, patting his body to be certain he hadn't just gone numb to his injuries. Sure enough, his body felt all the same. As he was investigating, however, he found one thing that was off; a gluey clump of...something was stuck to the back of his forearm. The doctor smacked it off, sending it to the ground with a gooey squelch.

"Ooh, what's that?" Toon asked, shambling over to the source of the noise.

"Don't-a touch that, Toon!" Dr. Mario warned, "It could be aggressive!"

Regardless, Toon bent down and gave the sticky glob a cursory poke. Just a gentle prod caused the mound the bounce off of Toon's finger.

"Hehehe."

"Toon! Stop!"

"But it jiggles! Kinda like...wait, hold up."

Toon gawked up at the sky. A ring of hazy light permeated from the remains of the infirmary above, fading away onto a spotlight on the cave floor. Toon scooped up the glob and hobbled over to the light. It didn't reveal much, but the light passing through the goo did show its light green hue.

"Wait, is that…a healing sprout?" Dr. Mario said.

"Oh, I get it!" Toon declared, "You must've gotten one of these stuck to you when you were falling. That's why you're not hurt; it was healing you while you were unconscious. I guess you don't need to apply it everywhere if you've got enough of it."

Toon took the sprout and stuck it to his chest. For a brief moment, he felt a minty surge of relief pulse through every wound on his body. Just as quickly as he'd slapped it on, however, the healing sprout's goo evaporated and floated away. The sprout itself shriveled into dust, leaving Toon still heavily wounded.

"Hey, what's the deal!?" Toon exclaimed.

"Monita said that-a the sap is a broth of nutrients. It-a looks like those nutrients get used up after a while."

Dr. Mario scavenged around on the floor until he found another healing sprout jar. He scooped out the sprout and threw it over at Toon, sticking it onto the back of his head.

"Thanks. Actually, maybe we should pocket some more of those things for later."

Dr. Mario nodded and they both started gathering healing sprouts off of the floor. Among the sprouts, Toon found a lab coat lying on the ground.

"Hey, Doc," Toon said, throwing Dr. Mario the coat, "I think this is yours."

"Oh, thank you." Dr. Mario grabbed the coat and continued scavenging. On the floor, he found a bow and a quiver of arrows. "Toon, I-a think this is yours."

"Thanks, Doc." Toon equipped his bow and continued scavenging. On the floor, he found the intralipid bag Dr. Mario was using, now severed from the catheter. "Hey, Doc, I think this is-...oh shit."

"What?" Dr. Mario looked over at Toon, seeing the bag on the floor. Feeling up his arm, he remembered that the IV catheter was still in his arm. "Oh no, that-a can't be good. I-a need to remove this."

Dr. Mario gently tugged the catheter out of his arm, covering the point of entry with the leftover gauze in his coat. Just as they finished scrounging about the floor, a low gurgle rumbled throughout the cave.

"Eugghhh…"

Dr. Mario and Toon jumped to each other's sides, with Toon prepping his bow and Dr. Mario retrieving a capsule from his pocket. Suddenly, the floor cracked, and light flooded the caverns. Dr. Mario and Toon could see each other clearly now, albeit washed a shade of blue. Turning to face the source of the noise, they saw Upsilon digging into a fissure in the ground. The Pirate's arms and legs were all pointing the wrong ways, and his exoskeleton was still smoking.

"Eek! Careful, Toon!" Dr. Mario said, "It's-a that Pirate! He's still alive!"

"Quit freaking out, Doc," Toon replied, "He can't even stand up. Fuck dude, I'm not gonna hit this poor guy. Let's just get out of here."

"Right." Dr. Mario took out the hookshot and aimed it towards the infirmary.

"Nah nah nah nah nah." Toon Link snatched the hookshot out of the doctor's hand. "I'll do it, before you hook us onto a fucking ceiling fan or something."

"It was-a one time!"

Toon Link fired the hookshot into the air, zipping him and the doctor out of the caves, leaving Upsilon to die. But he refused to die. Even as his innards mostly became his outards, Upsilon continued to pick away at the floor. Eventually, he reached the source of the blue light; a glowing substance embedded in the earth, both mineral and crystalline yet at the same time throbbing with life.

"So...you were at my side all along." Upsilon gurgled, driving his fingers into the substance like it were butter, "My guiding light. My divine providence. I truly have become an Elite Pirate. No...an Omega Pirate."

Dr. Mario and Toon Link scurried out of the station, back out onto the sandy surface of Tallon IV. The immediate area was virtually empty, and the green winged vessel was still waiting in front of the door.

"You don't-a think we can just take it, do you?" Dr. Mario asked.

"I mean, shit dude," Toon replied, "I don't think those guys from the infirmary are gonna need it anytime soon."

Dr. Mario and Toon Link hopped into the ship, it's interior dark and clunky like the Orpheon. Toon slapped the keyboard just as he had on the research frigate, and once again, it worked. Sure, Toon also set off two EMPs, a rocket launcher, an emergency ejector for the passenger seat, and the sprinkler system, but eventually, the ship did take off.

"Yeah!" Toon cheered, jumping up and down in the pilot's seat, "Look at that, Doc, we did it! Yeehaw! Booyah! Bing bing wahoo, as you might say! We're out of here, we've got our own ship, and it was all easy peasy."

While Toon Link was gloating behind the keyboard, however, Dr. Mario was slouched by some crates in the back of the vessel. His giant squishy nose was overwhelmed by the rusty stench of Space Pirate blood, still stuck to the seats of the vessel from its earlier passengers. That combined with the oppressive darkness of the back of the ship stirred a restless irritation the doctor could not ignore; a festering itch on his inner psyche.

"Easy peasy?" Dr. Mario replied, "If-a nearly getting killed is-a so 'easy peasy,' I'd-a hate to see what-a you call hard. Che cazzo."

"Yeah, yeah, Kit Kats, you fucking asshole." Toon Link slumped back down into his seat, the bubblegum smile wiped clean off of his face. "Kit Kats, fazool, Mama Mia, suck my dick, whatever you wanna say, but we made it out alive, didn't we? Shit, bro, what do you want?"

"I-a want to go home! I-a want to _have_ a home! I-a want to have a life that's worth fighting to keep! Worth being hunted by-a bugmen, and-a getting flung planet to planet, and-a feeling like every part of my body is-a trying to tear itself apart!"

Dr. Mario panted for breath after his declaration. The words forced themselves out, rolling out like ball bearings and thumping onto the floor with their weight. Toon sat in his seat, staring at the doctor with uneasy eyes. Only then did Dr. Mario realize that he'd shot halfway across the space between them. How long had he been standing up?

"...I'm-a sorry, Toon," Dr. Mario whimpered, sitting back down, "I-a shouldn't have yelled. You-a didn't do anything."

"It's cool man," Toon said, "I know things are rough right now. And I know that I can't know what you're going through right now. This isn't really all that bad for me since it's all I've ever known, but you, dude? You've had a whole life before this. Though honestly, I would figure that'd make things easier for you. I mean, you're Mario, dude. I don't really know that much about you, but don't you do this stuff, like, everyday?"

"That's-a the thing, Toon. 'Mario' does. But I...I'm-a not...I-a don't know who or-a what I am. I-a don't know if I can do this the way 'Mario' would."

"Well, if it means anything, I know for a fact I can't do anything the way Link would. I can't even reach half of the stuff Link can. And I know Link wouldn't set off eight different explosions and nearly kill himself just to get away from one dude. But that's not necessarily a bad thing."

Reminiscing on the explosion, Toon looked down at his tunic. It had been seared black, and was tattered at the seams.

"Huh," Toon said, "I'm gonna need something new to wear."

Toon hopped out of the chair and began fishing through the crates in the back, throwing around all kinds of explosives and weaponry and alien specimens.

"Take care of flying this thing while I look for something," Toon asked, "And put something on the radio. We don't know where in the universe we are, so we'll probably be flying for a while."

"Even if there is a radio on this-a ship," Dr. Mario said, sitting down behind the keyboard, "what songs could you possibly know? You said you've been alive for a few weeks."

"You'd be surprised by some of the bangers that came on over the intercom on the Orpheon. Shit like _Alert! Alert! Enemy on Board!_ or _Reactor Core Critical! Evacuate Immediately_ or also _The Pretender _by Foo Fighters, that's probably my favorite, actually. Just put on whatever you want."

Before Dr. Mario could even process what he'd just heard, the communications channel on the keyboard flickered to life. A familiar voice roared out from the speakers.

"You!"

"Well well well," Toon said, "Didn't take you for much of a Soulja Boy type, Doc."

"The only 'Soldier Boy' you should be worrying about is down here on the ground!"

Dr. Mario and Toon Link peered out through the windshield of the vessel. Lo and behold, none other than Upsilon was standing in front of the station. His once green shell was now dark blue, and a sickly aura radiated around him.

"Oh Jesus, not this guy again." Toon brought the speaker to his lips and spoke into it. "Look, dude, you fucked up, alright? Don't embarrass yourself here."

"You're the ones who'll be embarrassed when I, the Omega Pirate, pin your corpses to the walls of the mines!"

Upsilon fired a grenade out of a barrel on his back. A film of plasma enveloped around the bomb, and it floated into the air, launching itself into the side of the ship.

"Toon!" Dr. Mario cried as he fought to keep his balance, "Don't-a provoke this guy!"

"Oh please, Doc, we got EMPs on this baby, we'll be fine." Toon turned back to the intercom. "Omega Pirate? Quit being such a drama queen. You're a turret on legs. A janitor could do your job if you gave them a minigun."

Toon slammed the keyboard, causing an EMP wave to pulse out from the vessel. It hit Upsilon, yet his incendiary launchers seemed unaffected. In fact, they were now fizzling with energy, as if the EMP only strengthened them. Upsilon stomped on the ground and screamed as a swarm of plasma grenades poured out of his cannons

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH!?"

"Oh no."

Toon Link grabbed the controls and veered the ship away from the mines. Before he could even fully turn the ship, however, the grenades already began to make contact with the vessel, tearing off its plating like peanut brittle. Upsilon couldn't watch his victory unfold; he could only see red as he bellowed into the intercom.

"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS IN THE HIGH COMMAND ACADEMY, AND I'VE BEEN INVOLVED IN NUMEROUS SECRET RAIDS ON THE GALACTIC FEDERATION, AND I HAVE OVER 300 CONFIRMED KILLS! I AM TRAINED IN GUERRILLA WARFARE AND I'M THE TOP SNIPER IN THE ENTIRE SPACE PIRATE FLEET! YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME BUT JUST ANOTHER TARGET! I WILL WIPE YOU THE FUCK OUT WITH PRECISION THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE IN THIS STAR SYSTEM, MARK MY FUCKING WORDS! YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING THAT SHIT TO ME OVER THE INTERCOM!? THINK AGAIN, FUCKER! AS WE SPEAK I AM CONTACTING MY SECRET NETWORK OF SPIES ACROSS THE MINES AND YOUR VESSEL IS BEING TRACED RIGHT NOW SO YOU BETTER PREPARE FOR THE STORM, MAGGOT! THE STORM THAT WIPES OUT THE PATHETIC LITTLE THING YOU CALL YOUR LIFE! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, KID! I CAN BE ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, AND I CAN KILL YOU IN OVER SEVEN HUNDRED WAYS, AND THAT'S JUST WITH MY BARE HANDS! NOT ONLY AM I EXTENSIVELY TRAINED IN UNARMED COMBAT, BUT I HAVE ACCESS TO THE ENTIRE ARSENAL OF THE SPACE PIRATE MARINE CORPS AND I WILL USE IT TO ITS FULL EXTENT TO WIPE YOUR MISERABLE ASS OFF THE FACE OF THE CONTINENT, YOU LITTLE SHIT! IF ONLY YOU COULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT UNHOLY RETRIBUTION YOUR LITTLE "CLEVER" COMMENT WAS ABOUT TO BRING DOWN UPON YOU, MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE HELD YOUR FUCKING TONGUE. BUT YOU COULDN'T, YOU DIDN'T, AND NOW YOU'RE PAYING THE PRICE, YOU GODDAMN IDIOT. I WILL SHIT FURY ALL OVER YOU AND YOU WILL DROWN IN IT! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, KIDDO!"

The last of Upsilon's bombs hit the Space Pirate vessel. Smoke was pouring out from every side of the ship and parts were falling off by the second, but it was still gaining altitude.

"Over there!" Dr. Mario pointed to a canyon by the edge of the mine. "We can take-a shelter in that canyon!"

But Upsilon wasn't nearly finished. His cannons swiveled around towards the ground, and two jets of plasma carried him into the air. He flew up until he bumped into the arm of the crane towering over the mines, and with all of his strength, he dug his claws into the rusty metal of the crane. He could feel his muscles splitting apart and forming back together as he pulled on the crane, but he only screamed through his frothing maws as he yanked harder on the machine. One by one, the bolts and cables holding the crane together snapped, and Upsilon was left with the massive steel arm of the crane draped over his shoulder. Upsilon hurled the crane at the vessel, spearing it straight through its tail. Bursting into flames, the vessel spun out, hurtling into the canyon and falling out of sight. A few seconds later, an explosion burst out of the depths of the canyon. The vessel was no more.


	15. A1C15 - The Manhattan Tanker Incident

Ridley dragged his steel carcass through the unhallowed halls of Ganondorf's castle. The metal segments of his tail created sparks as they struck the stone tiles beneath him. The halls were illuminated by moats of lava flowing down either side of the dragon; if that heartless monster could feel anything through his leathery hide, his insides would've been boiling.

"Ocelot?" Ridley snarled into his transceiver, "Ocelot!? Do you read!?"

No response. Ridley groaned, rubbing his luminous eyes as he made his way into the Pipe Room. The Pipe Room, simply put, was the room with the warp pipe. With so many members coming from beyond Ganondorf's home universe, the Villainoct needed a way to congregate. Dimentio, the master of dimensions, was the one to suggest leaving a warp pipe untouched from his curse and placing it in the castle. Everyone disliked that idea. Some feared they'd be too big to fit through the pipe, others simply figured themselves above such a childish method of transport. Unfortunately, no one else in the Villainoct even came close to Dimentio's level of dimensional trickery, and so the jester got the final say. Ridley himself actually wasn't too opposed to the concept. Sure, he didn't like the idea itself. But he _loved_ the fact that no one else did either.

In fact, at this very moment, Count Dracula swirled out of the pipe, his face pulled down into a miserable grimace. For once, Ridley's dry lips curled into a smile - cracking of course as they did so, and leaking saliva all over the ground, but a smile nonetheless. Something about seeing the undying Dark Lord spin around and around in a giant sewer pipe brought boundless joy to his shriveled up heart. Ridley's voice box crackled as he laughed at the vampire king.

"Hold your tongue, Ridley," Dracula hissed as he crawled out of the pipe, "before I bite it off."

"Let me have this, Dracula." Ridley's smile quickly dropped as he held his head in his hands. "It's been a horrible day."

"How unfortunate," Dracula scoffed. He wasted no time in skulking away down the hall.

"Hey, wait, have you heard from Ocelot? Sectonia's acting up and-"

"No. I haven't." And with that, Dracula was gone. Ridley groaned again, perching himself on the ground by the pipe.

"This is why I don't do teamwork."

At the least, Ridley could appreciate the silence of the castle at the moment. Everyone was busy somewhere else, with Wolf on Tallon IV, Ganondorf in his throne room, and Dimentio hopefully rotting in the bottom of some pit on the other half of the galaxy. Before Ridley continued his search for Ocelot, he figured he'd just take some time to rest against the rumbling walls of Ganondorf's castle.

Rumbling? Ridley pressed his head against a wall adjacent to him. Very faintly, he could hear some sound pounding through the stone of the castle. The sound grew louder and louder, and more distinct too. The rhythm sounded choppy, clunky, electric to the ears. Ridley recoiled as he realized what he was hearing.

"Oh God no."

Just then, a massive floating machine burst through the wall. At nearly seven feet wide, the machine was a giant black orb, decked out with neon lights and speakers on every inch of free surface area. The center of the machine was equipped with a tiny turntable, from which its pilot operated the whole vehicle. The pilot in question was a plump little octopus. The DJ was blinged out just as fully as his vessel, his head topped with a golden kabuto helmet bigger than he was. But this didn't keep the DJ from pumping out sick beats. With stalks of wasabi in two of his tentacles, he furiously worked the turntable, making his machine screech out a cacophony of dubstep and buzzing and crunchy sounds. Ridley covered the sides of his heads, unable to even hear himself speak to the DJ.

"Octavio!" Ridley shouted, "What are you doing!?"

"Oh, I'm just practicing my newest beat for my SoundCloud," Octavio replied, "I just hit 10 followers two days ago. Double digits is the big leagues, so I gotta start taking this gig seriously."

"Well can you please do that _somewhere else!?_"

"Alright, alright, I get it." Octavio put down his wasabi, putting his funky fresh beats to a grinding halt. "Don't wanna be spoiled, wanna hear it when it's finished. When it's done, you know where to find it. WasabiBeat on -"

"Yeah, yeah, great, look. Do you know where Revolver Ocelot is? He's not picking up his transceiver."

"Ocelot? Yeah, I was just talking to him. He's over at my place."

"Octo Canyon? What for? I thought we already exported all of the Octarian troops that we needed."

"I dunno, I didn't ask him. Didn't think it really mattered too much."

Slowly, Ridley hoisted his mechanical frame off of the ground and stood up straight. Every joint in Ridley's body - be they metal or otherwise - creaked and rattled as he rose. Octavio was in pain just watching the Space Pirate; he would've extended one of the giant robot hands on his machine to help Ridley up if he had the courage to get that close. Once Ridley was at full height, however, he was even taller than Octavio's personal ship.

"Sure. It wouldn't matter to me in the slightest," Ridley snarled, "That is if it weren't for the fact that I'm carrying this entire operation. _I_ was the one who genetically reconstructed Sectonia from a single flower petal. _I _was the one who bred those five Metroids for the express purpose of finding the Mirror. _I_ was the one who made all of those clones everyone kept asking me for. A Link clone for Ganondorf, a Pokémon clone for Giovanni, that cursed Mario clone for Dimentio. Now, because of all of those clones, I'm bleeding assets like a pig. My Orpheon was one of the most advanced research vessels in my fleet - in the entire galactic supercluster, even - and it just got obliterated by that Goddamned Mario clone! Worse still, I just got word that one of my Phazon mines was torn to shreds. An entire troop of my Space Pirates were slaughtered. No doubt was it the work of that Mario clone, and his little friend too. And while I'm stuck neck deep in this mess, Ocelot has the time to wander around in that sickeningly saccharine playground your race calls home? What has he contributed? A little psychotherapy on Sectonia to get her talking about the Mirror? I could have pried it out of her eventually, but I guess we didn't have the time. Yet somehow, Ocelot has the time to sit around in Octo Canyon, 12,000 years in the future where we can't contact him? Once again, I have to ask, what for?"

Octavio sighed, rubbing his slimy mollusc forehead.

"Shit, dude, I don't know. I told you, I didn't ask-ooh, ooh, wait, I remember! I was there! He was dealing with Solid Snake!"

"Solid Snake? Who is Solid Snake?"

"You don't know who Solid Snake is!? He was, like, the most hype Smash character of all time, other than maybe Banjo or K. Rool."

"Never heard of him. Why's he so important?"

"I'm glad you asked." Octavio reached under his turntable and heaved out a book labeled _Metal Gear Lore_. It was wider than Octavio was tall, its binding bursting at the seams. "You see, Ridley, it all started in 1962 when a Soviet scientist called Nikolai Sokolov decided to defect to America. The operation to extract Sokolov was ran by a CIA officer named David Oh, who went by the code name Zero, and-"

Ridley brought a bony finger to Octavio's face.

"Octavio. Please. For the love of God. I just want to know why Revolver Ocelot is currently in Octo Canyon. Do you _have _to tell me about some 40 year old covert operation just to explain that to me?"

"Hmm…" Octavio scratched his head, flipping through the book. "I mean, I guess I could skip over the events of Metal Gear Solid 3, Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops, Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, Metal Gear Solid 5, the other Metal Gear Solid 5, Metal Gear - which is entirely distinct from the first Metal Gear Solid - Metal Gear 2, and Metal Gear Solid."

"Please do."

"Alright. Don't worry, it'll only take like 10 minutes to cover this. It all started on the eighth of this month, news outlets called it the Tanker Incident. Let me ask you this, Ridley; do you think love can bloom, even on the battlefield?"

* * *

The date was August 8th, 2007. Rain was pouring hard on all of Manhattan, flooding every New Yorker nose with the briney scent of the sea. None felt more at home that night than the seafarers of Manhattan; any amphibious adventurer, from the most humble fisherman to the biggest yacht you could fit in the Hudson, could appreciate the cloudy skies. But tonight, the only vessel in the Hudson River was an unremarkable oil tanker; the USS _Discovery_. The _Discovery _rocked and rumbled down the river. The ship's turbulent rhythm was enough to make even the most seasoned Marine hurl. Fortunately for the crewmen above board, they were all dead and did not have to worry about this. Mercenaries in camouflage had stormed the tanker less than half an hour ago, slaughtering everyone above deck while hiding from those below. They were now scouring the ship, red lights blaring out of the sights of their goggles.

One such mercenary snuck his way into the mess hall of the crew's quarters. He paused in the doorway for a moment, but upon seeing dead crew members strewn across the room, his muscles eased up. After all, there was only one other door in the mess hall, leading out to the bridge. It even had a camera stalking it from above. Confidant in his security, the mercenary turned his attention away from the door. Less than a second after he looked away, he hit the floor unconscious.

The culprit stood in the doorway to the bridge, aiming a Beretta 92 at the fallen mercenary. He was clung to the wall in such a way that the camera just skimmed over his presence. He shimmied along the wall past the camera, snaking through the other door and proceeding down to the deck waiting below. But it wasn't just any snaking. It was Solid Snaking.

Solid Snake crept down the stairs, watching as another mercenary passed him by. When his target was a good distance away, Snake fired a shot from his Beretta. Like before, an anesthetic round came out and struck the mercenary, knocking him out mostly harmlessly and clearing Snake's path.

Every deck on the ship looked the same to Snake; cold, dry, and coated a hazy blue by the overhead lights. He felt lost in a fog as he made his way to the next deck below. It was like being stuck in white noise on an old TV. For the sake of both the mission and his own sanity, he hoped to be out of here soon.

Snake slithered down two more decks until he was facing the door to the engine room. He placed his hand on the door, but quickly pulled it back. As much as he'd wanted to move forward, he knew better. He crouched down and brought his eye to the gap between the door and the ground. Light poured in through the crack, but its spread wasn't even; feet planted outside were blocking light from passing through the crevice. Snake used these obstructions to deduce that the person connected to those feet wasn't moving. Investigating the shadows cast by light running under the door, Snake also figured out the angle at which the light rays were approaching him; straight ahead. Because of the size of the shadows under the door and all else equal, Snake felt confident in assuming the one blocking the light was standing perpendicular to the length of the door. This meant one of two things. One: They were facing directly _away_ from the door. Snake would have an unbeatable tactical advantage, and could probably anesthetize them before they even realized Snake was there. Two, however: They were facing directly _towards_ the door. If Snake could fully open the door before the other person realized what was going on, he could still overwhelm his target. If not, however, he'd be left completely vulnerable. Snake decided to wait until the other person was standing parallel to the door; even if they saw Snake in their peripheral vision, they'd need a split second to orient themselves. With his breath held and his Beretta ready to go, he silently observed the light from the door.

And then, the shadows moved. They stretched and warped; the stranger's feet turned to the side. Snake threw open the door and fired at his target, who he could now see was another invading mercenary. Before the mercenary could even turn his head, he was knocked under by the tranquilizer round. The merc hit the floor, and Snake continued into the engine room.

As Snake was trekking into the _Discovery_, the inside of his ear started to ring. It was the distinctive buzz of his cochlear implant - the Codec. With a firm press to the side of his head, the ringing stopped and a nasally voice filled his mind.

"Snake," the voice said, "are you in yet? Have you made it to the holds?"

"It's taking longer than I expected, Otacon," Snake confessed, his voice much more grizzled than that of his accomplice, "We've already passed the Verrazano Bridge."

"Alright. We'll use another recovery point."

"They may be planning to change course."

"What?"

"The exits to the deck are all sealed."

"What are they planning?"

"If they get Metal Gear, we're going right off the fringe."

The next door led Snake to a balcony, looking over the lowest part of the ship. Down below, a troop of soldiers were standing in neat rows and columns, watching their sergeant give a speech through a projection on the wall. From his time in service, Snake could recognize them all as fully fledged Marines - the Marine on the projector seemed to be their Commandant.

"Looks like they don't know about the company," Snake said into his Codec.

"If the deck is sealed off," Otacon added, "they have no way of knowing that the ship's been taken over."

"I'm not interested in fighting these guys. The weapons won't do me much good here."

"Can you see Metal Gear?"

"No. I'll have to go around to the bow." Snake leaned over the balcony's railing to investigate the squadron below. It seemed as though the more he looked, the more Marines there were. "They have some serious defenses here. I doubt the recent arrivals want to blast their way through the Marines either."

"I wonder where they're headed."

"I don't know...Not the beach, that's for sure."

Snake opened up a pouch on his skintight stealth suit and pulled out a camera, no bigger than the palm of his hand.

"Okay, Snake," Otacon instructed, "let's go over this one more time. Use this camera to get photographic evidence of the Metal Gear prototype. Pictures will speak louder than the government's plausible denials. We need four shots: Metal Gear from the front, front-right, and front-left, and a close-up of the Marine Corps marking."

"Marking?"  
"There should be a 'MARINES' insignia on the body of Metal Gear. Just let someone try explaining away a clear shot of that."

"Alright."

"There's actually one little thing."

"Just spit it out. I'm used to things going wrong."

"It looks like someone's monitoring our transmission."

"Who?"

"I don't have a clue. All they're doing is watching. It would creep me out less if they tried to interfere with our communications."

"Could it have something to do with that Cypher we saw?"

"Maybe. I've switched the encryption protocol for our burst transmission for now. What I want to do is use a different method for sending those photos, just in case."

"Instead of using the Codec?"

"Exactly. There's a workstation in the southeast corner of the block where Metal Gear is housed. I've made arrangements so that you can send the pictures from the machine."

"Arrangements?"

"I hitched a ride on Link-16 into the U.S. military's proprietary network. Managed to get into that workstation and overwrote a part of the system software so I could remote install a little app I wrote."

"Why bother with anything that complicated?"

"No, it's pretty simple, really. Once you connect the camera to the machine, the app will automatically launch and download the image data from the camera, split the files and encrypt them individually. The data packets can then masquerade as-"

"Okay, okay, so I just have to hook the camera to the computer?"

"Well, sure, if you put it that way. And one more thing; the Commandant's already begun his speech, and you need to get the pictures before he's done talking. Otherwise, the Marines will spot you on their way back to their posts. Okay?"

"How much time do I have?"

"I hacked into the personal files and took a look at the text in that speech. I'd say you have seven more minutes, longer if he throws in a joke or two."

"A seven minute time limit, huh…"

"Remember, Snake, just the photos, okay?"

"With these kinds of odds, I won't be making any sudden moves. But that doesn't mean we can just let Metal Gear be hijacked."

"Okay, okay, but first, the photos!"

"Alright. We'll deal with the rest when we get there."

"Stay low."

Snake descended from the balcony by a ladder, joining the Marines down below. With his body crouched down stomach to floor, he could feel the Commandant's booming voice reverberating through the ship's metal plating.

"At the moment," the Commandant bellowed, "every industrialized nation on the globe knows the specialization for Metal Gear. Worse yet, so do a number of rogue states. They are all working on deploying their own Metal Gear force to compete with the U.S's nuclear strike capability."

Snake shimmied across the floor past the Marines. Slowly but surely. Inch by inch. In spite of the 165 pounds of pure muscle Snake had to lug around, the master spy didn't make a sound as he moved. You couldn't blame the Marines - even the ones in the next room over - for letting Snake wriggle right between their toes and over to the bow.

Both of the first two Marine holds looked virtually identical. Fuzzy blue ambiance bleeding into the walls of the ship, all wrapped up in a pretty spacious hangar, even with all the Marines stuffed inside. But the bow was drenched in an orange glow, like the room itself was molten. Sure enough, Snake could feel himself burning up underneath the oppressive pressure of the atmosphere. Even with the same amount of marines in the hold as any of the others - with the addition of the Commandant standing before them in person - Snake felt a claustrophobic coil wrap around his lungs. It didn't take long to figure out why. Just a mere glance upwards and he saw the devil himself staring back down. Crouching behind the Commandant was a mechanical monstrosity, rising over 20 meters into the air. Its frame nearly scraped the roof of the hold. Snake stepped back in awe, lost for words save for two.

"Metal Gear!?"

Metal Gear. A weapon, a machine of militaristic destruction, but not like any tank. In fact, it looked vaguely reptilian; two legs, a tail, and even a titanium beak hanging over Snake and the marines. The Metal Gear's form was streamlined like a shark, and the joints in its legs resembled that of a frog. Copper fibers held the whole contraption together, but you could've mistaken them for muscle tissue at first glance. While Snake gawked at the Metal Gear, the Commandant continued his speech.

"Ours is not the only military project devoted to Metal Gear development," the Commandant said from the platform carrying the Metal Gear, "but it cannot be more different in nature from the Navy's. Theirs is a program that will add fuel to the uncontrolled fire of nuclear proliferation..."

Snake turned on his camera, ready to get to work. He could see the workstation Otacon had told him about just by the door. All he needed was the pictures. From the doorway, he had the perfect angle for the front-left shot. After that, he snuck around the Marine who was recording the Commandant and got a shot of the front and front-right. But what about the marking? He had to get closer to the Metal Gear in order to investigate.

"Metal Gear RAY is amphibious," the Commandant continued, "Unlike the Army's REX, it can cruise deep underwater, move in undetected, and make its landing on any shoreline. Its onboard Joint Tactical Information Distribution System identifies targets with unerring accuracy and takes them out with massive firepower. It is the ultimate weapon, and it is yours to guard."

Snake paused, allowing those specs to sink in. This Metal Gear - RAY, apparently - sounded like something the world had never seen. A weapon on both the land and the sea? Even Snake, after everything he'd seen, couldn't help but feel a chill deep in his core. He shook it off, however, when he found the white MARINES insignia on the side of RAY's leg. With that snapshot taken, Snake creeped back over to the workstation and hooked up the camera. A computer sitting atop the workstation clicked on, glowing a bright green and displaying lines of text Snake couldn't hope to read for his life.

"Okay, now we have all the photos," Otacon said through the Codec, "Snake, the speech is about to wind up. Get out of there now."

Almost on cue, the Commandant wrapped up his speech.

"We, the Marines, will lead the charge into a new world order with Metal Gear RAY. That is all. Dismissed!"

The Marines brought their heels together and saluted their Commandant. Snake pocketed the camera, ready to run out the door before being caught.

"Excellent speech, my friend…"

Everyone froze. Snake, the Commandant, all of the Marines. That oily voice hadn't come from any of them. Snake put his hand on his holstered Beretta and hid behind a corner while the Commandant whipped around to his 6 o'clock.

"Who the…?"

It was then that the perpetrator prowled out from the corner of the room. Snake strained from his hiding spot to see the intruder, but he could at least make out that the latter was wearing muddy brown camouflage. Aside from the duster covering the uniform, it seemed to be identical to those of the mercenaries Snake had encountered. But something was...off. Something about that voice, along with his assertive actions, struck a chord with Snake.

"Gift of the silver tongue," the intruder said, clapping as he approached the Marines, "They say it's the mark of a good officer. _And _of a liar. Americans are too in love with the sound of their own voice to speak the truth."

As he spoke, the intruder's hands moved in a way that couldn't help but attract your attention, especially with the blood red leather that covered them. The Commandant, however, was unphased.

"Identify yourself."

At the Commandant's command, the Marines jumped to his side, aiming all sorts of artillery at the intruder.

"I am Shalashaska! Also called...Revolver Ocelot."

"Ocelot!?" Snake echoed to himself.

"What do you want?" the Commandant demanded.

"This machine will be quite useful." Ocelot gestured up to Metal Gear RAY as he stepped underneath it. The spurs on his boots jingled as he walked, as did his three different belts.

"What are you planning to do, steal this thing?"

"Steal? No, no, I'm taking it back."

Just then, the Commandant felt a cold block of metal dig into the side of his head. With a small grunt from their officer, the Marines turned to see the Commandant being held at gunpoint. The assailant was a burly old man in a sheepskin coat. His brow was wrinkled, the skin weighed down by years of war, no doubt. But his resolve couldn't shine harder.

"Gurlukovich…" Snake murmured to himself. He'd already seen the old Russki on the _Discovery_ earlier, so his presence wasn't as surprising as Ocelot's. But Snake couldn't help but wonder what the two of them were planning.

"Nobody move!" Ocelot ordered, "Understood?"

The Marines focused all of their firepower onto Gurlukovich, but this was ultimately an empty gesture as long as the Commandant was stuck in the line of fire. Ocelot strolled over to Gurlukovich's side, waving a chunky remote in the air. It didn't look too far off from a 1980s style Motorola.

"This ship," Ocelot explained, "now carries enough SEMTEX on its key structural points to blow it out of the water at the touch of this button."

Ocelot took an experimental step towards the Marines. In response, they all stepped back silently.

"That's right. No one has to die needlessly."

Gurlukovich looked up at the ceiling, giving a quick gesture to some unseeable entity with his pistol. On queue, a horde of mercenaries rappelled from the rafters, dropping themselves between Gurlukovich and the Marines. A few more came down and got to work activating Metal Gear RAY.

"We're almost at the target," Ocelot commanded the mercenaries, "Get a move on!"

"What do you intend to do with RAY," the Commandant asked, "sell it on the streets?"

"I was raised in Snezhinsk," Gurlukovich replied, "formerly known as Chelyabinsk-70, the nuclear research outpost."

"What are you talking about?"

"After the Cold War ended, my home was bought out by the Americans."

"Is there a point to this sad story?"

"Not that you would understand. Land, friends, dignity. All sold to the highest bidder; the United States of America. Even the technology that gave birth to these weapons is Russian, developed by us!"  
"What do you intend to do?"

"Russia will rise again, and RAY is the key."

"I regret to inform you," Ocelot cut in, "that I have no intention of selling Metal Gear. As I said, I came to take it back."

Gurlukovich's mercenaries all started to turn and watch Ocelot, as if something had just gone off course. Gurlukovich himself loosened his grip on the Commandant, his attention now primarily focused on his companion.

"Yes. Returned," Ocelot elaborated, "…to the Patriots."

"The 'La-li-lu-le-lo'! How's that possible!?" the Commandant shuddered.

"Ocelot, you…Have you sold us out!?"" Gurlukovich's eyes bugged, combing the scene before him to make sure he hadn't missed something. Ocelot had kept his back to Gurlukovich during this whole exchange, not looking him face to face once. How could he act so aloof while saying such poisonous words?

"I was never in your employ, Gurlukovich," Ocelot answered.

"Are you still in league with Solidus!?"

"No hard feelings, Colonel. Mother Russia can rot for all I care."

"Since when, Ocelot!? When did you turn!?"

"I'm glad you noticed, Comrade. I abandoned her during the Cold War. Metal Gear only has room for one! Gurlukovich, you and your daughter will die here."

Gurlukovich ground his teeth together so hard that they nearly chipped. Just by looking at his twisted expression, you could hear in your head how hard his blood was pumping. The claustrophobic heat in the air rolled into a steaming boil as the colonel finally exploded.

"Damn you!" Gurlukovich threw the Commandant Ocelot's way as he aimed his pistol. "Die, you dog!"

As soon as Gurlukovich swore out his foe, Ocelot finally swiveled around to face the colonel. He threw off his duster and drew his revolver in one swift motion. Before Gurlukovich's finger could even skim the trigger, Ocelot had already fired a round, striking down both Gurlukovich and the Commandant.

"Sergei!" Ocelot declared as he dropped his revolver, "Looks like you were long overdue for retirement."

"Traitorous dog…" Gurlukovich sputtered. As their boss hit the ground, four of the mercenaries tried to fire on Ocelot, but he whipped out a second revolver and gunned them all down so quickly that you could barely distinguish the individual gunshots. While they kept their weapons trained on Ocelot, neither the Marines nor the remaining mercenaries made another move.

"Show's over!" Ocelot held up his SEMTEX remote once again. "If you wish to live, I suggest you run now! This ship is still in the Lower New York Harbor. You may yet make it to shore if you swim for your life!"

Ocelot detonated the SEMTEX, punching a hole clean through the wall of the block. A wave of fire lit up the room, followed by a torrent of water billowing in from outside. Snake could hear the hull of the ship groaning against the explosions from outside the block. With the _Discovery's_ lifespan shortened severely and the water having risen to his hips, Snake knew he couldn't hide any longer. As Ocelot ascended a stairway up to RAY's cockpit, Snake bolted after him, drawing his Beretta when he had a clear shot.

"Ocelot!" Snake cried. Ocelot looked down at Snake with the coldness of a surgeon. His cool demeanor quickly washed away, however, and he looked down at his right arm with concern. It began twitching violently. Even as Ocelot held it down by the wrist, his arm only throbbed harder. After a minute of fighting his own appendage, he suddenly calmed down, plucking off the arm's glove and rolling back its sleeve. With a new, sadistic glimmer in his eyes, he looked back down at Snake and smiled.

"It's been a while, brother!" Ocelot said. Snake held back for a second, not entirely sure how to respond.

"Who are you?"

"You know who I am."

And it was then that it hit him. There was only one person who would call Snake "brother." It had to be the only other product of the same project that created Snake himself. Sure, he'd died all those years ago at Shadow Moses, but there was no other explanation. Snake lowered his Beretta, realizing that the man before him was none other than his genetic doppelganger:

"Liquid?"

"Lol nope."

Then Ocelot took out another revolver and shot Snake straight through the fucking heart the end.


	16. A1C16 - Scalplatoon

The next time Snake was conscious, he opened his eyes to darkness. His head was a little fuzzy too, so he couldn't get much of a grasp on his surroundings, but he could deduce a few things. Rope was binding various parts of his body; his wrists, ankles, and abdomen were all wrapped up. He could also tell he was directly upright, with his back to some sort of platform. His train of thought was cut off by a spear of light piercing the shadows around him. It looked to be a door swinging open, with a figure standing in the doorway. Snake could tell it was Revolver Ocelot's silhouette even in the darkness; Ocelot's eyes, more than anything else, stood out like headlights.

"Ocelot!" Snake said, struggling against the ropes. His platform jostled a bit, but the ropes themselves held firm.

"Took you long enough," Ocelot replied, his tone of voice floaty and superficial. "I probably shouldn't have aimed for a vital region of your body, but I wanted to make sure you'd stay 'calm' while we transported you."

"Where's Metal Gear RAY!? What happened to the _Discovery_!? Where are we!?"

"You don't seem very concerned about the fact that you nearly just died. One shot and you were nearly a goner."

Nearly died? Come to think of it, Snake recalled a jolt of pain having shot through him. Sure enough, as his mental fog cleared, he remembered the exchange he'd had with Ocelot on the _Discovery_.

"Wait a minute...didn't you say you were Liquid?"

"Hmm? Oh, right. No, I assure you that your fellow clone did in fact die during his insurrection against the U.S. Government. My outburst back on the _Discovery_ was part of a ploy on my part to fool the Patriots."

"The Patriots?"

"The la-li-lu-le-lo, if you will. A secret organization that's been covertly controlling the United States since the 90s. I've been affiliated with the Patriots since it was founded in 1970, but as it exists today, it's barely even a shell of its old self. A system of proxies all run by AIs, fueling the war economy to justify its own existence. Every choice, every action that led us to where we are right now was plotted out by the Patriots - both meticulously and yet at the same time arbitrarily. They had sent me to the _Discovery_ with the dual purpose of obtaining Metal Gear RAY and framing you for the whole ordeal. In the midst of this, I was planning to undergo psychotherapy in order to transplant Liquid's personality onto my own as part of a plan to destroy the Patriots from the inside. But I've had to modify my plans in light of some...new information."

Ocelot retrieved a chip sized remote from his pocket and aimed it into the room. Light shot out from behind Snake's head, projecting onto the wall before him. The image displayed was that of a cracked stone tablet, itself covered in imagery of a man made of pure gold.

"Who is that?" Snake asked.

"_What_ would be the more appropriate question." Ocelot finally fully stepped into the room, closing the door to the light outside. "This is no man. It's a power. A force that is to the Patriots as the Patriots are to mere men like us. The reason why I've changed my plans is because against this new force, the Patriots are powerless; they've already died before they've even realized it."

"What!? What type of power is this!?"

"The Stargazer, Snake. Imagine this: Let's say you wanted something, anything you could come up with. From the tangibles like gold or new cars, to the intangibles like knowledge or world peace. Now what if you said you wanted that something, and before you could even finish speaking, that something already came into existence. That is the power of the Stargazer. The power to rewrite reality itself. No AIs or private military companies needed."

"What makes you so sure this is real? Where did you even find out about this?"

"From the Villainoct, a group of extraterrestrials. More than that, actually - they're from entirely different universes. Timelines that exist parallel to our own. They came to this world in their search for the Stargazer, and I have joined them. And now, Snake, I'd like to offer you to join me."

"What!? Why!?"

"For the sake of the universe."

Ocelot's tone suddenly went dry, slapping Snake across the face with its newfound weight.

"You're right to be suspicious," Ocelot continued, "I am as well. But my caution is of a much different nature. In fact, I think the situation is even worse than I've described. There's a game being played right underneath our noses as we speak. I've got no idea what that game is, but there's no way we're winning it. Not unless we figure out what's going on. For that, I need espionage and subterfuge - areas in which I must admit you stand unrivaled. If we work together, we can unravel whatever thread runs beneath the skein of this story."

Snake mulled over everything he'd heard, trying his best to absorb this otherworldly knowledge with his mortal human mind. How could he consider such a proposition if he wasn't even sure he was convinced it was real?

"Why should I believe anything you're saying?" Snake finally answered.

"Why else would you be here? I could have just left you for dead on the _Discovery_. In fact, it was kind of a hassle to patch you up. I told the others I was bringing you here for interrogation, insisting you had information on some mirror they're trying to find. But they won't stay fooled for long. And if you don't cooperate by the time they find out the truth, they'll unleash the full force of their anger, their violence, and their unforgiving brutality the likes of which you've never seen-"

"Holy Dick van Dyke on a trike! Snake's awake, yo!"

At the sound of the stranger's voice, the room's ceiling lights were switched on. What was once a dark shadowy dungeon was revealed to be a plain bit of office space, surrounded by eggshell stucco walls and reeking with the regretful scent of poor life choices. Even the platform Snake was strung to turned out to be a simple wooden desk propped up on its side. A plump little octopus sat dripping in the doorway, staring wide-eyed at Snake.

"...Can I help you, Octavio?" Ocelot groaned.

"Dude, Snake, it's an honor to meet you!" Octavio completely ignored Ocelot, waddling up to Snake like a child running after the ice cream truck. "This is so tight! I'd have you sign my bigass robot, but I'm kind of on enemy territory so I'm tryna stay on the down-low. Ooh, ooh, can you say the thing!? Y'know, 'kept you waiting, huh?'. I loved you in MGS4, Snake, that game has, like, my favorite video game ending of all time. I mean, I know that it hasn't happened yet chronologically for you, but when it happens, it's gonna be sick as fuck-"

"Octavio," Ocelot demanded, "if you've got nothing of value to tell me, you can get the hell out of here!"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I needed to tell you about something that happened to that Metal Gear RAY you had me move through the Canyon."

"RAY?" Snake asked, "I thought you said you didn't go through with the Patriots' plan to hijack RAY."

"Well I didn't do it for the _Patriots_ as originally intended, but why throw away a perfectly functional Metal Gear when it was right in my clutches?" Ocelot clarified before looking down upon Octavio, "Now then, what did you do to RAY?"

"Hey, _I_ didn't do anything!" Octavio said, "In fact, I find it offensive that you just sorta assumed I did something wrong, and I kinda think you should apologize!"

Ocelot stared the octopus king down, not saying a word all the while.

"Alright, so here's what I did," Octavio continued, "The boys and I were airlifting that gigantic fucking thing through Octo Canyon, but we kept bumping it into shit and scratching it up. So, I figured that it'd be easier to avoid all of that if I just drove the thing myself."

"What!?" Ocelot exclaimed, "I told you that you need extensive VR training to pilot RAY!"

"I'd consider myself trained in VR. I've played VRChat a couple times. That's not the point. Regardless, I hopped in and made it a good five feet before I tripped on a rock and fell off the side of Suction-Cup Lookout. I had to jump out before it hit the water because Octarians can't swim, and I kinda don't know where it is. Other than at the bottom of the ocean."

Ocelot dropped his head into his gloved hands, unsure of what to say. Octavio admitted his blunder without even a shred of shame. What could Ocelot possibly add that would drive the point home?

"It looks like I'll be here longer than I expected. I need to step into the Gate for a moment to contact HQ. Watch Snake while I'm gone - keep both eyes open." Ocelot turned his eyes to Snake as he sauntered out of the room. "Think about what I told you, Snake."

And so, Snake and Octavio were left alone. Even with his arms restrained, Snake could tell he'd had equipment pickpocketed out of his stealth suit. He looked around to see if he could find the missing gear, but it was nowhere in sight - though he could see the outside world through a window to his left. Snake couldn't tell exactly where he was, but some sort of cityscape lay on the ground below. The view he had made it clear a fall from his location in the building would easily be lethal.

"Where are we?" Snake asked Octavio.

"Moray Towers." Octavio squished into the room, digging around underneath an unattended table. "I didn't really wanna be lingering so close to where the kids usually run around, but Ocelot insisted it was the best place to hide. Hiding in plain sight, I guess."

"Kids?"

"Yeah, Moray Towers is one of the stages where the kids have their turf wars."

"Turf wars? You mean there are child soldiers here?"

"Eh, I wouldn't call them _soldiers_ necessarily. They're just having fun."

Even Snake, in all of his stoic edge, had to try to hold back a shudder. How twisted would someone have to be to consider war 'fun,' especially when children were involved?

"Well are we still in America?"

"It's funny you ask that actually, we-" Octavio pulled himself out from under the table to shoot a suspicious glance at Snake. "Waaaaaaaaaait a minute! You're not trying to get information out of me, are you?"

"Well...yeah. That's kind of the point of asking questions."

"Fine then. But if you get to ask me questions, it's only fair that I get to ask some too."

As Octavio rubbed his sinister little tentacles together, Snake braced himself for whatever the aquatic antagonist had in store. What would Octavio even ask? Snake didn't know anything about this 'Stargazer' if it even existed. Maybe it was just a ruse to distract Snake from Metal Gear RAY. Whatever questions were coming, Snake assured himself that he wouldn't break.

"Have you ever eaten a frog?" Octavio asked.

"...What?"

"I was just asking because Naked Snake ate tree frogs in MGS3 and I wanted to know if it was a Snake thing or just a him thing."

"...No, I have not eaten a tree frog."

"Hmm, okay. Let's see, second question, second question, uh...Oh! What do you wear normally? Like, when you're not in the stealth suit?"

"Uh...shirt...pants? I guess."

"Interesting. And for a final question…" Octavio dove back under the table and pulled out a busted up saucer looking machine. The majority of its body was a grey metal doughnut, with a hole in the center wider than Octavio himself. "Can you sign this?"

"A Sikorsky Cypher?" Snake recalled seeing one of those hovering around on the _Discovery_.

"Yeah, when we came to pick up RAY, we took some of the weapons on deck, and I salvaged this Cypher! It got kinda fucked up in the explosion, but it's basically as good as new."

"I can't really sign it with my hands restrained," Snake protested. Octavio pulled an Expo marker out from under his helmet.

"You've got a mouth."

Octavio squirmed his way up Snake's table and stuck the marker's back end into Snake's mouth. Snake humored Octavio and tried to sign the Cypher. Ultimately, the signature ended up as an unintelligible scribble, but Octavio seemed satisfied nonetheless.

"Alright, that's three questions for me. Your turn now."

So Octavio wouldn't be as much of a threat, but Ocelot would have to come back eventually. Sure, maybe Ocelot was being honest about all of the Stargazer talk. But after seeing what happened to the last man Ocelot betrayed on the _Discovery_, Snake didn't feel confident waiting around to find out. Perhaps Octavio's incompetence was a bad thing after all; Snake's escape rested solely in his hands. Or tentacles. His only chance was to turn Octavio's ineptitude back into his favor.

"Let's see," Snake pondered out loud, "...I had a pack of cigarettes back on the _Discovery_. Can you get me one?"

"Cigarettes!? But those are bad for you, Snake!" Octavio retrieved a fatass doobie from his helmet. "You can have this though."

"That'll work." Snake opened his mouth, allowing Octavio to put the joint in. "Second question; can I get a light?"

"But of course!" Octavio took out a lighter and lit the joint for Snake.

"Final question; can you get me a drink of water?"

"Hmm...Hey now, are you just trying to get me out of the room so you can pull some spy shenanigans?"

Shit. Caught red-handed.

"Uh...no?"

"Oh okay cool." Octavio then hopped off of the table and squiggled out of the room. Snake waited a few seconds more to ensure some distance between him and the octopus before he put his plan into action. First, he used his tongue to fold the joint back into his mouth. The heat of the joint started to sting the roof of his mouth, but he managed to keep it held in place between his teeth and his lower lip. Snake then began to rock himself back and forth against his restraints. The table behind him shifted and budged with every rock he made, until it creaked forward just enough to fall over entirely. Snake turned his head to the side just before he crashed into the ground, but it didn't help much against the weight of the table. He had no time to regain his bearings, however; Octavio surely heard the table's thud against the floor. He swiveled around to roll the table onto its side and spat out the joint. Gravity carried the joint down to his left hand, which he used to press its lit end against the ropes around his wrist. The fibers of the rope snapped to pieces one by one, though not nearly quickly enough.

"Snake, are you okay?" Octavio asked, squirming back into the room. "I just heard some loud shit, did anything happen?"

Snake looked up at Octavio from his place on the floor. Octavio's gaze seemed to be genuinely curious.

"...No."

"Hmm...Are you sure? Something seems different."

Octavio observed the scene for a moment, rubbing his slimy forehead.

"Oh wait, I see! You dropped your weed." Octavio pulled the joint from Snake's hand and held it up to his lips. "Here you go."

"Thanks."

With all the strength he could muster, Snake hurled his left hand forward at Octavio. The rope around his wrist had been singed just enough to break at the sudden burst of force. Snake grabbed Octavio by one of his tentacles, swung him into the air, and chucked the poor mollusc into the window, shattering the glass and sending Octavio tumbling towards the city below. Snake raced to undo the other bonds around his body. Now freed from the table, Snake wasted no time in getting to fixing up the Cypher. Octavio may have been a bit generous in describing the state of the drone, but with some wires reconnected and some hatches forced back into place, the Cypher could certainly be brought back to a usable state given some time and hard work. Snake instead settled for mashing buttons on the Cypher until it gave any sort of response. Eventually, it let out a shrill cry as its central rotor started to spin. Without a moment's hesitation, Snake hoisted the Cypher over his head and leapt out of the window, allowing the drone to carry him into the air just as he had planned.

Almost.

The Sikorsky Cypher is an impressive piece of technology, no doubt. Even the Cypher, however, has its limits. This includes a weight limit of 50 pounds. Solid Snake, weighing a touch more than your average seven year old, found his descent less halted and more so...delayed. Regardless, Snake used the extra time he'd bought to aim his hurtling body towards the softest looking rooftop and braced for impact. Snake landed on both feet, diffusing the impact pressure with a landing roll. Even still, Snake could feel the force of the brutal concrete permeate straight through the core of his body. A few glass shards embedded into his skin didn't help much. After he finished his landing maneuver, all that he had the strength left to do was to flop onto his back. He could feel a pool of his own blood soaking through the stealth suit.

"Ugh...Otacon?" Snake said into his Codec, "...Otacon?...Damnit."

Did they take Otacon as well? Ocelot made no mention of him, but that didn't rule out the possibility. The Patriots Ocelot referred to were also a possibility, as were Gurlukovich's men. However, it could also have been as simple as a malfunction in the Codec. As Snake rubbed his bloodied back, he decided he'd head to the ground and try contacting Otacon from there before jumping to any conclusions. After slipping in and out of consciousness a few times.

And yet the next time he looked at his palm, he noticed that it wasn't actually his blood coating it. In fact, the liquid wasn't even red, instead a lively cornflower blue. Sure, some people say deoxygenated blood is blue. However, some people are also really fucking stupid. No, the substance beneath him certainly wasn't blood, and as he shot to his feet, he saw the true culprit; a misshapen greasy little hominid, standing just a foot or two beside him. This creature, only rising just above Snake's hip, gazed up at Snake with eyes surrounded by black rings. The creature was dripping with the viscous blue fluid, which matched the color of its...hair? It wasn't exactly hair atop the head of this creature, but rather a bundle of tentacles tied into a top knot. In fact, nothing about this creature was exactly as it seemed. The hair on its head wasn't actually hair. The words on its shirt weren't written in any real language. Even the gun in its hand looked completely foreign. The weapon's body was a neon purple, and more of that fluid sloshed around in a glass tanker on the top of its barrel.

Suddenly, the creature's inquisitive gaze sharpened, and it aimed its gun at Snake. Reflexively, Snake knocked the gun out of his way with one hand and gripped the back of the creature's head with the other. He then drove his knee into the creature's face, causing it to drop its weapon as it reeled back. With a quick footstep or two, Snake locked the creature into a chokehold. It squirmed and chirped in some alien language, but it wasn't going anywhere.

And then it was gone. Vanished. Reduced to nothing. Snake looked down and saw his arms empty, save for more of the fluid coating his forearms.

"What!?" Snake cried. A wet popping noise from behind drew his attention. The creature had reappeared, and had just thrown a triangular device at Snake's feet. Snake kicked the device over the side of the rooftop just before it exploded, but before Snake could retaliate, the creature once again melted into thin air. If he was going to take out this thing, it would have to be in one hit. Snake reached down and armed himself with the creature's gun. It didn't look ideal, but it would have to do.

The creature appeared again, leaping out from Snake's right. Snake aimed the gun and pulled the trigger, only to watch as nothing came out. His second chance wasted, Snake jumped to the side to dodge another bomb coming his way. It was in the air that Snake finally got a good view of the area around him. His rooftop was connected to a dozen or so others by a ramshackle network of ramps, all propped up on bare metal framing. Snake bit the bullet and rolled down one of those ramps, again just missing the bomb's explosion. Damnit, how was he supposed to fight someone who could disappear at will? When Snake made it to the rooftop at the bottom of the ramp, he shot his gaze back and forth, ready to be jumped at any moment. And yet, the creature didn't show. In fact, when Snake looked back up the ramp, he could see the creature right where he'd left it. The creature could clearly see Snake from its vantage point, but aside from spraying some of its fluid onto the ramp, it didn't do much of anything.

Snake yanked out one of the glass shards in his flesh. It hurt like hell, but Snake would make sure it hurt the creature more. He just had to figure out this thing's pattern. After all, everyone has a strategy on the battlefield. Just then, when the last inch of the ramp was met with the blue liquid, the creature melted away yet again. So it needs the fluid to teleport? Or what if it wasn't teleporting at all? Snake looked closer at the fluid on the cement, and discovered its secret; a trail of bubbles were rising to the surface, starting where the creature was standing and approaching Snake's location. That was why it appeared to be "melting" away - it was melting into that fluid! It waited until the fluid reached Snake so that it could zip down and ambush, and zip down it did. The creature was exponentially faster below the fluid's surface, already reaching Snake's feet a second or two after it had made the dive. But after realizing the creature's secret, Snake was more than prepared to counterattack. He stepped to the side just before the bubble trail reached him and waited for the creature to pop back over the surface. Sure enough, the creature leapt out with another bomb in hand, but before it could act, Snake speared it with the glass straight through its temple. It was a clean strike - the shard moved almost too easily through the creature's gelatinous head. The creature stumbled around for a moment, whimpering some more of its alien words as it looked up at Snake, before it collapsed onto the ground.

Snake kneeled down to catch his breath. He may have been successful just now, but in his current state, he couldn't take many more encounters. It would be just his luck, then, that a whistle would send, drawing his attention to the center of the ramp network. Seven more of those creatures were gathering in the center of this skyward arena, circling a duo of two chubby tuxedo cats. The cats waved around colored flags, to the joy of some of those creatures and the dismay of the others. Curiously, all of the creatures that were upset had "hair" with the same blue color of Snake's opponent. The happy creatures, meanwhile, were colored a shade of lime green. In fact, Snake realized that those two colors dominated the battlefield - blue and green fluid was splattered everywhere on the towers. What exactly had Snake wandered into? Is this the turf war Octavio had mentioned?

Snake's thoughts were cut off by a violent ringing buzz. Snake instinctively reached up to his ear, but his Codec was silent. Turning around, he realized that the dead creature behind him was the one ringing - or more specifically, a glassy phone with an arrow-shaped case in its pocket. Snake looked back over to the center, where sure enough, one of the other blue creatures was operating a similar device. Its two other companions were looking around in confusion. Finally, it clicked in Snake's head; soon enough, they'd all come looking for their missing companion. Again, just his luck. Snake forced himself back up to his feet. He had to hide, and fast. But where? As complex as the ramp network appeared, all of it was covered in the colorful fluid, meaning there was no spot with which the creatures weren't familiar. He'd have to dispose of the body on his hands. Would he just hurl it over the side? It could cover him for a little while, but it would definitely alert someone down below. He picked up the creature by its shoulders and started dragging it towards the edge, not seeing any better option. But it was when the corpse's "hair" tickled his chin that he realized a better way to hide; in plain sight. He dropped the corpse with a splat and yanked out the glass shard. Holding the shard's pointed edge to the corpse's hairline and holding his lunch down his gullet, Snake knew what he had to do.

To put a positive spin on the whole situation, it was quite impressive just how quickly Snake had managed to scalp that dead humanoid creature. His composure was pretty rock solid as well. He did begin to dry heave a bit as blue fluid and mucous covered bits of flesh began to spill out, but he told himself to pretend he was simply peeling an orange. The stench of rotten tuna quickly broke this illusion, but he should at least get some points for trying. Once the scalp was fully removed from the rest of the body, Snake stuck it atop his own mullet, armed himself with the creature's gun, and stepped down towards the center of the battlefield. The other creatures all turned and observed their "friend." Let's see. Tentacle hair? Check. Alien gun? Check. Hmm. Yep. Everything checks out here.

"Woomy!" the other creatures cheered as they waved to their friend.

"Uh...woo...me?" Snake replied. With everything now in order, the seven other creatures blasted away, shooting into the sky as a burst of fluid. Snake could only watch as the creatures vanished into the clouds. With those things gone and the two fat felines now somehow sound asleep in the midst of this battlefield, Snake was left to his own devices. He looked around the towers, unsure of where to go next. There wasn't an obvious way down; even if there was, would he want to go down? Who knew what Ocelot or anyone else could have waiting for him on the ground floor. Beyond that, what _should_ he do next? Get in touch with Otacon? Find RAY? Get back to America, if he wasn't there already? How he'd do any of those, he didn't know, so for now, he simply crouched down on the cement and contemplated.

His contemplation wasn't in silence, however. Not for long. The dead creature's phone, once again, started to ring from over where Snake had left it. Something about this call piqued his curiosity. Could it just be the other creatures calling again? That's what he assumed, but the phone just kept ringing and ringing and ringing. Surely, if those creatures were looking for their friend again, they would stop calling eventually and actually come back to look. His interest finally having been pushed over the edge, Snake ran back over to the phone and tried to answer the call. It took some messing around, but after making a few intuitive guesses, a familiar voice made its way through.

"Snake! Snake, can you hear me!?" The voice was none other than Otacon's, sounding just as anxious as ever.

"Otacon!?" Snake replied, "What happened!? Where are you!? What's going on!?"

"I'm still where I was back when the _Discovery_ blew. Snake, don't turn off this phone! I can't reach you through the Codec where you are right now! At the most, I can only use it to pinpoint your location. I've been spending the past hour calling every phone in your immediate area. Thank goodness whoever owns this phone let you get in touch with me!"

"Yep, thank goodness," Snake said as he glanced back over at the dead scalpless creature, "What do you mean you can't reach me through the Codec where I am? Where exactly am I?"

"You're in Moray Towers. It's pretty close to Inkopolis, a bustling city center filled with Inklings."

"Inklings? Is that the name of those colorful tentacle creatures I keep seeing?"

"That's right. They're humanoids who evolved from squids. They use the ink that they naturally generate in their Turf Wars. It's the main attraction in Inkopolis."

"I think I just got caught up in one of these Turf Wars. Is it true that they use child soldiers?"

"Well, I wouldn't call them _soldiers_ necessarily. They're just playing a game."

"Octavio said the same thing earlier. How can a war be a game?"

"Snake, Turf Wars aren't actual wars. They're just competitive tournaments played for fun. It's all a game."

"It's...it's a game? But they had weapons!"

"Their weapons just shoot the colored ink that they make. The objective of a Turf War is to cover the arena with more ink than the enemy team. It's not a war. Nobody dies. Most of them are children, after all."

"You mean...these squid things are...the kids?"

"You got it. Why do you ask?"

Snake once again stared down at the Inkling, the true horror of his actions finally sinking in.

"Good God, I'm a murderer…"

"Yes, Snake, we're all aware of your professional occupation. Now let's focus on getting you back home."

"Back home..." Snake echoed after pulling himself back together, "So where on the map is Inkopolis?"

"It likely exists where Japan used to. I've deduced that from the architectural styles the Inklings have inherited, as well as the red and white coloring of a R.O.B. toy I found in the Inkopolis Museum of History. It's actually a funny story, Snake, it goes back to the North American video game crash of 1983-"

"Wait, where Japan _used_ to be?"

"Yes, Snake, that's what I'm trying to say! You've been transported 12,000 years into the future!"


	17. A1C17 - Bowser Gets Stabbed in the Liver

So Mario's in prison now. That's cool.

"Hey, hey!" Princess Peach said as the bubblegum colored native officers dragged her to her cell, "Wait just a minute! With all due respect, my friends and I are entitled to an appearance in court!"

"Calm down, ma'am," one of the officers replied, "you'll get your trial. We're just holding you here until the trial starts."

"But what about our arraignment? We have the right to have our charges read to us in court!"

"Ugh, fine." The officer turned to his companion on Peach's opposite side. "Hey, Vinny, what, uh...what's this bitch here for again?"

"I dunno, Tony. Summin, summin, they crashed a plane into the island," Vinny replied, "Not really supposed to be doing that."

"But that wasn't our fault! Our plane was under attack. It was rigged with bombs without us even knowing!"

"By who?"

"By an ice fairy! Her name was Blizzaurus! She was working with a dark cabal called the Villainoct, she's the reason the plaza froze over this afternoon. Her body's trapped in the debris of the Shine Monument so you won't find her."

"Uh huh, okay," Tony cut back, giving Peach a firm nudge, "the magical fairy did it. Did the invisible fairy also swoop down and take my kids away? Not my whore ex-wife Linda? Get the fuck in your cell."

With that, Peach was thrown into a damp cell and sealed behind a rusty door. She fell onto her knees, with no immediate desire to get back up. All of the legal lingo in the world wouldn't change the fact that she was wrapped up in a traffic cone orange jumpsuit, coated in grime and reeking of musk. This shouldn't have happened. She knew Isle Delfino's legal system was harsh, but this was near insanity. She'd definitely be bringing this up at the next World Nations meeting.

Eventually, Peach propped herself against a wall and surveyed her surroundings. She'd received just about everything you'd expect. Toilet, sink, even a little built in desk. How generous. There was a metal bench sticking out of the wall, but another prisoner was slumped over its length. As rigid as it looked, Peach's companion was resting motionless before her.

"Hello?" Peach called out to her cellmate, "My name is Peach. Who might you be?"

Peach waited for an answer, but nothing came from the limp body.

"...Hello? Are you alright?"

"I think they're dead."

Peach shot her head towards the foreign voice; Meta Knight had warped into her cell. His tiny body had been swaddled in a jumpsuit far too large for him. Only his cape could be seen sticking out.

"Meta Knight?" Peach asked, "They let you keep your cape?"

"They couldn't take it away from me if they wanted to. My cape may not be connected to me with muscles or bone, but its just as much an extension of my being as my arms and legs."

Meta Knight took a step towards the princess, but tripped on a hanging bit of his jumpsuit and toppled onto his face.

"Grab my cape, Princess," Meta Knight said as he squirmed on the floor, "I'll warp you out of the prison."

"But what about Mario and Bowser?" Peach asked as she picked up Meta Knight off the floor.

"I'll come back for them once I get you out of here. I have no idea where their cells are. Once they locked me up, I started warping randomly across the prison, which isn't easy with my cape's short range. When you add in the fact that I have to keep returning to my own cell in case they check up on me, it equals a pretty tedious venture. It's kind of a miracle that I found you so quickly."

Peach straightened her posture, steeling herself as she processed Meta Knight's plan.

"Well if you don't know where the others are, don't warp me out just yet."

"Why not? It'd be better to get every individual out as soon as we can, no?"

"We're stronger as a unit. If something happens to the others in here, I don't want you to have to deal with it alone. Bring me with you while you look for Mario and Bowser. Once we're all together, warp us out of here and then we'll leave the island."

"...If that's what you suggest, then we can try it. Let's get out of here."

Meta Knight wriggled around in Peach's grasp, fighting against the orange cloth to try and grab his cape.

"Wouldn't it be easier to use your cape if you took off your jumpsuit?"

"I can't. The officers confiscated my mask."

"Well that's not too much of a problem, is it?" Peach reached down to pull back Meta Knight's jumpsuit. "You're an alien, it's not like anyone will recognize you-"

"**No.**"

Meta Knight reached a nubby blue arm out and grabbed Peach by the wrist. He had a strong grip for someone with no fingers.

"O-okay, you can leave it on."

* * *

Bowser, meanwhile, tossed around on his metal bed with discomfort. His own shell dug into the notches of his spine thanks to the stiff iron below him. His blood flow was not done any favors either; the orange pants the guards had squeezed him into were clamping his legs like a sausage casing. Thank God they gave up getting the full jumpsuit on him.

"I try to be a bad guy, I get my ass beat," Bowser mumbled to himself, "I try to be a good guy, I get thrown in jail. I mean, I'm Bowser for crying out loud. I own Nintendo. I don't need this. I could just knock down the door and walk on out of here."

Bowser sat up on his bed and sized up the wall, winding his goliath arms for added effect. After contemplating his escape for a minute, however, he dropped back down with a huff of smoke from his nostrils.

"I'm sure the blue pinto bean's got an escape plan. Just need to wait it out for a bit...Hope my neighbor's not an asshole, at least."

Bowser drummed his knuckles against the adjacent wall, awaiting the answer from the other side.

"Hello?" a familiar voice called out through the stone wall, "Who's-a there?"

"Oh you gotta be shitting me."

"Bowser?" Mario said from his cell, "Is that-a you? Knock again if you can hear me."

Bowser slammed his forehead into the wall to reaffirm the plumber.

"Do you know where-a the princess is?" Mario asked.

"Oh I'm fine, thanks for asking."

"Clearly, you're-a fine enough to talk. I-a don't know if the princess or Meta Knight have the same privilege."

"Well no, I haven't seen either of them since we showed up to this place. This Goddamn place. This Goddamn motherfucking shitshack."  
Bowser waggled his foot wildly, snorting out fire as he felt his thoughts swelling up inside his physical form.

"We-a don't want any extra trouble, Bowser. Try to-a stay calm."

"I am calm! All things considered! For a guy who just got abducted by the crackpot legal system of this island and is now slumming it out here while the end of the world hangs over our heads, I'd call myself pretty damn calm!"

"Hey, hey, it-a won't be very long. We'll-a get an appearance in court for our arraignment, and-a Peach can explain everything from there. She's a princess, she has to-a have diplomatic immunity or something. We'll be out of here in-a no time. Even those of us who deserve to stay in-a prison."

"What!?" Bowser shot up off the bed and slammed the wall with the back of his fist. "What are you trying to say!?

"I'm-a just saying, Bowser, one of us is a repeat offender abductor, dictator, terrorist, and warmonger. Your hunger for-a power brought you to bring hellfire down upon just about every nation this side of the planet. The Mushroom Kingdom, Dinosaur Land, Antarctica, even-a this island! You think the Piantas of this island forgot the time you-a covered Delfino in darkness just for a family vacation?"

"Alright, alright, I get it! I've fucked up before, but I'm trying here, man."

"Forgive me for being skeptical, but this wouldn't be-a the first time you tried to pull a cheap trick. I-a wouldn't be too surprised if your partnership with the Villainoct was-a less fake than you've made it out to be."

"You're really gonna go there? You think I helped those assholes crash that plane or something? Newsflash: I was on the plane too!"

"Maybe things just didn't go according to plan. Either way, our confrontation with Blizzaurus proved that we'll always have to be-a cautious. And I don't-a care what Meta Knight has to say about Ganondorf, there's-a no one I'll ever be more cautious of than you."

Their friendly discussion was cut off by a metallic rattling from outside of their cells.

"Someone's-a coming into my cell," Mario said, "Maybe Peach already got us out of here."

From his cell, Bowser could hear Mario's door gently creak open. He pressed his earhole against the cold stone wall to glean as much of the exchange as he could, but he heard nothing. Soon, the door closed, without as much as a word of new information.

"What did they do?" Bowser asked. Mario gave no response. Bowser knocked on the wall again, but to no avail.

"Hey, are you listening, alfredo? What'd that cop come in there for?...Look, I get you don't like me, but I'm sick of you acting all petty! Just answer me already and we can be done with it until one of the others comes for us."

Even still, Mario didn't budge. Bowser pounded on the wall a third time, but the plumber didn't even have another "witty" comeback. Bowser suddenly felt his body start to tense up. Maybe Mario wouldn't want to have a friendly conversation with his archenemy, but Mario would never pass up the chance to say something nasty to him, would he?

"Mario? Hey, Mario!"

Bowser jumped off of the bed and started slamming his fist against the wall. With every silent second that passed, the air grew colder and colder; the Koopa King could feel time whipping past him like a deadly river rapid. As the situation at hand dawned on him, Bowser backed up against the opposite wall and crouched down into position.

"Fuck it."

With a firm kick, Bowser sent his bulky figure rocketing into the wall before him. At least a foot of stone was keeping Bowser from Mario's cell, and it all came crashing down in a cloud of powder as Bowser's hefty body barreled through it. After stumbling into Mario's cell and almost stumbling out of it through the next wall, Bowser could see the reason for Mario's silence - the guard that came in never left. When Bowser broke in, the guard was in the middle of strangling Mario with a tattered yellow bed sheet. Bowser clutched the officers pointed head in one hand and then hoisted him up into the air; at Bowser's size, it was an easy feat.

"Touchdown!" Bowser yelled as he punted the officer face first into the ground. A dense cracking sound came from somewhere in the guard's head, followed by the splat of his limp body collapsing onto the ground. Mario fell over as well as he gasped for sweet sweet air.

"How'd you piss that guy off?" Bowser asked as he brushed dust off of his arms, "I mean, you're not the most lovable guy I know, but we haven't even been here for an hour yet."

"I...I-a don't know," Mario replied between gasps, "He just...came in and attacked me."

"Hmm...an in house execution, huh? No trial? No nothing? Even for Isle Delfino's legal system, that seems a little extreme."

"Well maybe...it's-a not the legal system that's after us. Perhaps-a the Villainoct found us sooner than we expected."

"You're not gonna accuse me of something again, are you!?"

"No, no. But I think something-a fishy is going on in here."

"Well let's find out." Bowser kicked the downed guard in the ribs. "Hey, you! Who sent you!?"

The officer gave no response, unless you counted the squishy squelchy noise his mashed up brain bits made.

"I don't think he's gonna be up for a minute or two," Bowser said.

"I don't think he's-a gonna be up at all." Mario crawled over to the guard and fished through the latter's pockets, pulling out a black set of keys. "We can figure out the specifics later. For-a now, let's just get the princess and Meta Knight and get out of here."

Mario pushed himself up off of the ground and wobbled up to the door. After fiddling with the lock, Mario threw open the door and took a step into the hallway.

"Hey, hold it!"

Mario looked back into the cell. Bowser gestured down to the officer resting on the bloodied floor.

"Got anything you wanna say to me after I just saved your life?"

"...Watch-a your step? Mind-a the blood?"

Mario ran off into the hallway without another word. Smoke began to bellow out of Bowser's nostrils as he bent down and snatched up the bed sheet that had nearly been the end of Mario's life.

"Don't test me, God," Bowser mumbled as he pocketed the sheet, "because I'm about to test right the fuck back."

And so, Mario and Bowser wandered down the hall. As they walked, they gathered the attention of some other inmates. The prisoners pounded on the doors, shouting at the duo from within their cages. While most of their screams were just senseless obscenities, a few of the prisoners tried pleading.

"Hey, you!" a filthy prisoner begged as he jumped up to the window in his door, "You need to get me out of here! I-"

"Sorry, pal," Bowser dismissed, "but we're not giving out autographs."

"But I was framed! Listen, I just wanna see my wife again. Just for a day! Just please let me out!"

Bowser looked down at Mario, who gave the koopa a half-hearted shrug.

"Fine. I'll keep an eye out for guards. You've got the key, get him out of there."

Bowser lumbered out of the way, straining his eyes to peer down the hall. Mario fiddled with the door, fighting against the rust that had built up inside the lock until he managed to force the key in. Just as soon as Mario had opened the cell, however, Bowser began frantically tapping him on the shoulder.

"Mario," Bowser exclaimed, "we've got trouble!"

Mario turned Bowser's way, already bracing himself to take down some guards. All of his preparation melted away, however, when he saw who was really approaching. Emerging from a rolling cloud of smoke came a horde of slobbering monsters. All of them were distorted in some grotesque way; some of them had been stripped of all their flesh while still kept alive, some had their hands ripped off and stitched together, and those were just the ones who looked somewhat human. All of these beasts had their bloodshot gaze locked on Mario and Bowser. As the smoke settled, their pace grew faster and faster until they had broken into an all out sprint.

"On second thought, I don't miss my wife that much." The prisoner stepped back into his cell and shut the door. "I can wait another five years."

"I'll-a cover the air." Mario pointed to some scabby orange fish monsters hovering towards them. "You take care of the ground."

"How about _I_ take care of the ground," Bowser barked, "and _you_ cover the air!?"

"How about you read a book for once?"

Mario sprung off of the ground and leapt onto Bowser's head. He used the top of the koopa's skull as a kickboard to push himself up to the monster's level, while Bowser channeled his annoyance at his companion and slung it towards his foes.

Bowser's first opponents were a clan of animated skulls scuttling his way. Purple tentacles writhed out of every orifice of the skulls, carrying them across the floor and gripping various pieces of weaponry. One leapt at Bowser, swinging a stained femur bone at the koopa's knee. Bowser grabbed the bony club before it could make contact, however, and hurled the little scuttler against a wall. The skull shattered into pieces and spilled its slimy contents onto the floor. A few more ran at him with wands, topped with brilliant sunset shaded gemstones. With a flick of the wrist, wisps of flames trailed out of the gems and zipped Bowser's way. Bowser couldn't help but smirk as the oversized embers dissipated against his battle hardened hide.

"C'mon, guys, it's not that hard! Here, I'll show you!"

Before the scuttlers could react, Bowser drenched them with a wave of fire. He completely incinerated the little pests, only stopping to gag after getting a whiff of the stench of seared seafood. He tore through more and more scuttlers, only stopping to squash severed hands scurrying towards him. Soon, the only scuttler could do naught but look up at Bowser through a single green eye. On its shoulder, it bolstered a junky misshapen cannon almost as big as its own bony body. Its tentacle legs quivered under the weight of its weapon, as though it was ready to lose its balance and topple over at any moment.

"Aw, poor little guy," Bowser teased, "You can put that thing down if you want. It's not gonna do you much good anyway."

Then the scuttler fired a Vympel R-27 missile (NATO reporting name AA-10 Alamo) out of the cannon and directly into Bowser's rib cage. Bowser was sent flying into the wall behind him, his chest bursting into a symphony of blood and shrapnel. His muscles burned from the inside out. Pain surged through him with every movement he made, but if he stayed put stuck in the wall, that scuttling scourge would fire another round. Bowser reached around for anything he could use to reach the little pain; rocks, metal bars, fuck even a candy cane would be better than nothing. By some grace of luck, he managed to rip a jagged blood-splattered scythe out of the hand of another monster. With his arm stretched out as far as it could be, he swung the scythe and speared the scuttler straight through its temple. Just as Bowser let out a sigh of relief, a shrill voice chewed him out.

"Hand that back, loser!"

The cry came from an emaciated ghoul as he snatched the scythe back out of Bowser's grasp. His sickly green skin was pulled taut over his pronounced bones, giving him a stomach turning skeletal look.

"Hey," Bowser roared, "I took that from you fair and square!"

"Oh, why didn't you say so? I'll give it right back!"

Red tendrils shot out of the ghoul's head as he started swinging his scythe wildly. Bowser tried to cartwheel out of the way, but ended up toppling over onto the ground. The ghoul took this to his advantage, landing a strike on Bowser's back. Why he thought a direct hit to Bowser's shell would be a good idea, the world may never know. Regardless, when the blade bounced off of his back, Bowser leapt into the air and dropkicked the ghoul straight in his bony jaw. The monster fell onto the floor, dropping his scythe.

"Ha! Got you-_aeugh_!"

Bowser was cut off by the feeling of a hot sucker punch beneath his chest. The culprit looked like a miniature cousin to the first ghoul; it must've floated in underneath Bowser's arm when he wasn't looking. It was even equipped with a tiny scythe, no larger than a spatula. Of course, once you penetrate the liver, the size of the weapon becomes pretty indistinguishable.

"Attaboy!" the ghoul captain shrieked, rising to his feet as three more baby ghouls floated into the fray, "Fetch me his soul!"

The baby ghouls began to swirl around Bowser, taking turns digging their blades into Bowser's flesh. The koopa tried swatting them away, but even if they were standing still, it'd be hard to move in the midst of this macabre round of Lingchi. There was no other option. To keep his limbs from being hacked off inch by inch, Bowser tucked himself into his shell and whirled around on the ground. The baby ghouls were blown away, squealing as they were whisked into the distance. However, when Bowser poked his head out, the ghoul captain was able to jab Bowser in the side of the neck.

"Damnit!" Bowser cracked his knuckles as he pulled the rest of his body out. "You'll pay for that you little-!"

"Wahoo!"

Before the ghoul could actually pay for that, Mario swooped in from above and stomped on his head, snapping his neck and killing him instantly. Mario performed a perfect backflip before landing on his feet, earning a rousing applause from the watching prisoners.

"Hey, I had that one!" Bowser snarled.

"All of that-a blood," Mario replied, "coming out of your liver seems to suggest otherwise."

Bowser growled as he covered up the wound in his abdomen with his hand.

"Whatever. I'll just take care of the next...guy?"

As he looked around, Bowser quickly realized that the entire horde had somehow been incapacitated.

"Wha...what happened? How did all of these guys get taken out?"

"I did it," Mario replied with a tip of his cap.

"What do you mean 'you did it'!? It's been, like, two minutes!"

"I-a finish levels in one."

Just then, three more ghouls leapt out from around the corner and charged at the duo, their eyes brimming with sinister intent. Mario was the first to make a run for the ghouls.

"I've-a got this!" Mario declared.

"The hell you do! I need a win today!"

Bowser clutched the wound on his stomach, ready to take off after Mario. Before he could move, though, a smooth buttery scent wafted into his nostrils. The source came from a cell to his right, its door held open as if to call Bowser inside. Within the cell, a gigantic porcelain bowl awaited, carrying several pounds of freshly steamed rice and topped off with a big puffy golden piece of tempura shrimp. If you were only basing your judgement off of size, you could've been tricked into believing a small cow had been deep fried instead.

"Ooh!" Bowser swooned as he salivated from the mouth, "Now that's a win if I've ever seen one!"

Bowser ran up to the dish, arms open and ready to take a bite. As he dug his mits into the rice, however, the tempura took the first bite. A craggy maw opened on its crust, and it bit straight through the leathery hide of Bowser's arm. Bowser screamed, feeling the breaded teeth dig straight down to the bone. He only managed to free himself thanks to some lubrication from his own blood. The tempura monster's mouth opened up, allowing a single red eye to bulge out. It burst out of the bowl, revealing the swarthy toned body attached to its underside. With a golden staff in hand, it conjured some eldritch unknowable magic and propelled it Bowser's way. Bowser only just managed to duck out of its way, and expelled more blood out of his wounds as he did so. This was starting to get dangerous, but more so, it was starting to get annoying. Before the wizard could cast another spell, Bowser leapt forward and grabbed the hilt of the staff. With one squeeze, Bowser's mighty hand was able to crush it into pieces.

If only it was that easy. As soon as his staff was destroyed, the tempura wizard reached into his rice bowl and pulled out a giant chopstick. With a swift jab, the wizard drove the chopstick into Bowser's right shoulder, pulling more cries from the wounded koopa. Bowser tried stepping out of danger to the left, only to get slashed across the face by yet another chopstick. With a firm headbutt to the wizard's crunchy head, Bowser finally managed to free himself, but he felt as though it had drained him of all the strength he had left. His legs weak and his head woozy, he watched as the wizard leapt out of the rice bowl and flew over his head, landing a perfect backflip behind him.

"Everyone does backflips now, huh?" Bowser groaned. The wizard lunged at Bowser, chopsticks in hand. A few more good hits and Bowser would be done for, he knew that to be true. But he couldn't run in a state like this. Well, if Bowser was going down, he at least wouldn't be outdone! In a last ditch effort, Bowser picked up the ghoul's scythe from the ground and used its hilt to block the wizard's attack. Now it was Bowser's turn. With one hand, he swung the blade straight for the wizard's briny head. Every swing missed, blocked by the wizard and his utensils; the wizard even managed to counter a few times by blocking with one chopstick and piercing his stomach with another. Every strike brought the wizard closer to victory, and he knew it too. When Bowser reeled back his scythe farther than before, the wizard saw an opportunity for a final blow. Deciding to take it, the wizard prepared both of his weapons and pounced on Bowser.

It was there that Bowser finally secured his triumph. While his one hand lured the wizard's attention with the scythe, the other grabbed the wizard midair by the neck. In spite of all of the injuries he'd taken, Bowser had never felt more alive than in this moment. Smoke billowed off of Bowser's skin, and his muscles surged with pure power.

"I'll show you a backflip, motherfucker!"

Pulling the wizard in close, Bowser leapt off of the ground and carried the both of them dozens of feet into the air. After a stylish backflip on his part, Bowser suplexed the wizard into the ground, shattering the floor beneath him. The tempura wizard's head cracked open and leaked a pool of butter sauce. With smoke still whirling around him, Bowser rose to his feet and pounded his chest like a gorilla.

"Yeah! Come get some! You can't touch this, assholes!"

Bowser's gloating was interrupted by a gentle thud sound behind him, like a wet rag being thrown against the wall. A strange sight greeted him when he turned around; amongst a pile of ghoul bodies, a giant piece of tempura shrimp was standing in Mario's place, bumping into the wall on a pair of stubby legs.. Bowser was about to roast the shrimp into ashes when he recognized the orange fabric on the shrimp's legs.

"Wait...that looks just like the legs of the prison jumpsuits. Could it...Mario, is that you!?"

Bowser already knew it to be true by the time he ran up to what could once be called Mario. Only Super Mario himself could leave grease shoe prints like that as he walked. Bowser grabbed the now much crunchier man and turned him away from the wall. Even then, however, Mario simply began to fall to the floor beneath the weight of his new piscine form.

"Shit! This must've been because of that tempura wizard! When I jumped out of the way of its spell, it must've hit you!" Bowser paused, hoping for a response from Mario. In his deep fried form, however, Mario could only look up at Bowser in silence. "Stomp once if you can hear me right now!"

Mario stomped his boot into the ground on command.

"Stomp twice if you can see me."

Mario stomped twice.

"Slide to the left."

Mario slid to his left.

"Slide to the right."

Mario slid to the right.

"Criss cross."

Mario kicked Bowser in his rugged shin.

"Okay, maybe that was a bit too far. Still, we're gonna have to do something with you. This type of transmutation isn't really in my field of magic, so you'll have to wait until we're all out of here to find a cure."

Bowser scooped up Mario by his crispy little tail and placed the battered Mario bro atop his shoulders. With the plumber secure, Bowser continued down the hall, leaving a trail of panko flakes as they chipped off of Mario's delectable body. Overall, a valuable lesson was learned throughout the whole encounter; never write while hungry.


	18. A1C18 - Too Angry to Die

It was remarkable how swift the blade of karma could swing when appropriate. Just a moment ago, those crooked cops had thrown a Mario and the gang into the slammer for reasons that were most likely unreasonable. Now, Vinny was forced to cower in fear as he watched his fellow corrupt officers get eviscerated by gelatinous oozes and massive insects. The shard of glass he clutched in his bloodied hand was as much of an empty gesture as it appeared. The horde had forced him into the corner of his office, with a tumescent seafoam critter leading the charge towards him. Even though it had no eyes, Vinny knew the creature was watching him; it smiled, flashing jagged teeth behind its plump lips, as it approached.

"Ay, ya, name's Mik," the monster said, "but you can call me Mickey D."

"The boss said we all had a deal!" Vinny cried out in horror. "You weren't supposed to attack us!"

"And you guys trusted a bunch of Underworld monsters?" Mik let out a hardy guffaw, splattering saliva across the floor. "I take it that entry into your gang doesn't include any educational requirements."

"Please, just let me live! I've got a family, man! Look, I've got an acre of land in Boca Raton. If you let me live, we can split it 50/50!"

"I'm boutta split them cheeks open 50/50, know what I mean? Bend over, bend over, let Mickey come over."

Mik unfurled a throbbing blue tongue from his maw, allowing it to splat onto the floor as he encroached on Vinny. Just then, Peach and Meta Knight warped into the room, dropping onto Mik and shoving him out of the way.

"Well would you look at that," Mik snickered, "Two out of the four targets we were sent to neutralize just fell into our lap! I guess you get a few extra minutes to live, my chunky little monkey."

"More monsters!" Peach said, "Meta Knight, get us away from here!"

Before Meta Knight got the chance, however, Mik lassoed the knight with his tongue and yoinked him out of the princess' grasp.

"Geth heugh, boyth!" Mik sputtered with his tongue hanging out. Three beetles leapt out from the crowd, blocking the princess off from Mik. Silver blades jutted out from the front of their heads, glistening with light on every part that wasn't coated with dry blood. They spun in circles without abandon as they tried to dice the princess like a ceiling fan from hell. Not only did she evade all of their attacks, though, but she even managed to leap over them and land firm kicks to the backs of their heads. One tried to flutter in over her head for an ambush, but she just threw her foot up in a 180 degree kick to strike it out of the sky.

"Ooh," Mik said, squirreling Meta Knight away in the side of his mouth, "you've got some moves, princess."

"I do tai chi on the weekends."

Peach ran after Mik to retrieve her ally, but Mik simply sailed up out of her reach.

"Just surrender while you're ahead, your highness. You don't wanna go out on an embarrassing note. You're just a princess. What are you gonna do? Send me a subpoena or something? In case you haven't noticed, I can't read-!"

"Ha-cha!" Peach shouted as she twirled around and bashed the monster with her rear. Her regal figure was shaped in such a way that she could manipulate her center of gravity and send herself rocketing away faster than she could run. Truly, it was the most dignified way one could use their derrière in an attack. She even left some glitter on his skin. Mik spat Meta Knight out onto the floor, leaving the poor knight swaddled up in a slobbery mess. Peach scooped up Meta Knight, grabbed Vinny by the wrist, and they all warped away.

"You know, for a princess, it seems kinda unrefined to fight people with your ass!" While the rest of the horde ran out of the office, Mik sighed and felt up his bloated body with his several posterior cilia. "I guess we can't _all_ have an hourglass figure."

Peach, Meta Knight, and Vinny warped into the prison courtyard. The undead hordes must've already torn through, as tables and goopy foodstuffs were strewn across the tile floor. Some bones - twisted had malformed beyond the geometry of any earthly creature - had even been left behind. Vinny crawled across the floor to grovel at Peach's feet.

"Thank you for saving me!" Vinny truckled, "I owe you my life! I promise, I-"

"Stow yourself, good sir." Peach kept her line of sight above the officer as she addressed him. "We haven't _saved_ you yet. Help in our escape, and this could very well become 'saving you'."

"O-of course! Get me out of here, and I'll-"

"What?" Meta Knight interjected from within his jumpsuit, "That's rather bold of him, isn't it?"

"W-what? But I didn't even-"

"That's the problem. You _haven't _done anything, aside from unjustly imprisoning us. And yet you're still asking us to 'get you out of here', bargaining with us? You're only escaping these walls if we feel like bringing you along when we leave, and I think we'd feel more up to it if you would shut your jaw and give us what we need first."

"Alright! Alright, I'll tell you everything you want to know!"

"That's more like it." Peach knelt down and gave Vinny a pat on his pointy head. "Let's start at the beginning; our ending up here was more insidious than you've all let on, wasn't it, officer?"

"Dude, we're not even cops." Vinny peeled off his badge, revealing it to be a plastic imitation. "We're a local gang, the Pianta Pinheads. We've had this prison on our payroll for years. Today, we took the place over while you guys were being administered so we could ice you."

"But why? What made us so important to you?"

"We were being paid! Or rather, we were earning a favor. You see, everyone in the Pinheads, we used to just be a hitman squad for another organization; the Pianta Syndicate. They run the west side of this remote island over by the Mushroom Kingdom. The gang's business is booming there, but our squad was making dirt pay for what we did. Eventually, we left the gang and formed our own here. But the guys who called the hit on you, they offered to take out all of the head honchos in the Pianta Syndicate so that we could slip back in and commandeer the business. In exchange, we would lock you guys up in here and take you out, but then they sent in all of these monsters and started killing us too!"

"And your partners in this deal, they were the Villainoct, right?"

"That's the one. These monsters, they keep saying they're from the Underworld or something."

"That's Medusa's army," Meta Knight explained, "I expected as much from the sound of things, but I haven't been able to get a good look at any of them."

"Trust me, if you could see the joint, you'd know shit's fucked up. Black clouds are covering the sky, you can't breathe if you step outside, there's bones everywhere, man!" Vinny gestured to a horned skull chained to the floor behind him, big enough to hold Vinny within its jaws. "It's looking like Halloween in here!"

"Bones? There are no skulls in the room, are there?"

"Oh if only you knew, buddy." Vinny gave the skull a firm slap.

"Wait, don't touch it! That's not an ordinary skull, that's a Clubberskull!"

But it was all in vain. The skull split open, snapping the chains confining it. Soon, the monster's true form was revealed; an elephantine heart, pulsing wildly as pus dripped from its single eye. Its overgrown arteries and veins were twisted together, forming two rudimentary arms that each gripped onto a half of the broken skull. Using its bony appendages to drag its twitching body like a western lowland gorilla, the Clubberskull roared and then vaulted itself at the group.

"Grab the guard," Meta Knight ordered, "we're warping out of here-"

"Who's ready for some heartburn, motherfucker!?"

Bowser knocked down the wall and barreled into the cafeteria, distracting both the gang and the Clubberskull. Despite it standing nearly twice Bowser's height, Bowser reeled back his fist and punched through the monster's tender eye like a freight train. He dug his other claw into the creatures back and slowly tore its vascular body in half. The Clubberskull tried pounding on Bowser's shell for freedom, but as prismatic smoke bellowed out of the cracks in his carapace, Bowser only pulled harder on its flesh. Soon, the Clubberskull split down the middle, coating Bowser and the gang in a splattering cloud of blood.

"Yeah, come get some! Woo!" Bowser cleared his throat and then turned to face his friends. "Uh, so yeah, how have you guys been holding up?"

"Bowser!" Peach exclaimed, "How did you know where to find us?"

"I didn't. I've just been running around the prison in straight lines hoping to find you guys."

"Well now there's three of us. Have you seen Mario anywhere?"

"Hoo boy, that, uh, that's gonna be a tricky one to explain."

"How so?"

Bowser plucked the shrimpified plumber off of his back and placed him on the ground before the others.

"Yeah, I see your point now." Peach kneeled down and ran a hand across Mario's flaky crust. "What happened to him? And...hey, what happened to you?"

"What's wrong with Bowser?" Meta Knight asked, "I can't see anything from the confines of my cloth prison."

"His eyes are glowing, and he's...smoking.."

"What can I say, I've been working out." Bowser kissed his biceps and gave them a mighty flex. "You wouldn't think it, but getting brutally stabbed several times in the liver and other vital organs does wonders for a toned physique."

"Hmm…" Meta Knight pondered, "When we were being apprehended, Mario told me that something similar happened to him during the fight with Blizzaurus. Isn't that right, Mario?"

Mario nodded his decapod bod in affirmation. The sudden movement of his center of gravity caused him to topple onto the ground.

"I didn't want to jump to conclusions earlier, but I think you two both attained your Final Smash."

"Attained? But I didn't pick anything up. I think the only thing I've 'attained' in the past 30 minutes is internal bleeding and a punctured lung."

"It's not an item you pick up. It's a power, a force if you will. It's azoth."

"Azoth?"

"Yes, azoth. The purest form of existence." Meta Knight reached his nub out of his jumpsuit and pointed up to the roof. "Everything can be reduced, my friends. Molecules can be reduced to atoms. Atoms can be reduced to elementary particles. And even elementary particles can be further reduced to azoth. It makes up all matter, as well as the properties that matter carries. Azoth exists in all universes, and most people are even aware of its existence. They just have different names for it. Other universes may refer to azoth as chakra, the soul, or the power of friendship among other things. Old acquaintances of mine refer to it as smash, and its this smash energy from which the prophecy of the Smash Brothers gets its name.

"The Smash Brothers are individuals with the power to build up this smash and release it in concentrated doses. They build up this smash by taking damage. Experiencing duress, be it physical or mental, causes your soul to burn and generate smash. The souls of the Smash Brothers accumulate enough smash to actually manipulate in a tangible form, in the Final Smash. How exactly your Final Smash manifests depends on the type of person you are. Some Final Smashes cause the environment to change while others summon weapons or tools. From what Mario told me, his Final Smash allowed him to release a massive two-streamed blast of fire. And it sounds like whatever yours is, you're ready to execute it."

"Well alright!" Bowser said, "I guess we can just leave, then. If anyone tries to stop us, I can just smash them or whatever it's called."

"We need to grab our things, first," Peach added, "I might even have the materials on hand to cure Mario."

"Alright, tough guy," Bowser commanded as he hoisted Vinny up by his collar, "where's all of our stuff?"

"We threw it all into a locker on the third floor," Vinny replied, "I can take you there."

"Yeah, take us there."

And so, he took them there.

"Thank you for taking us here," Peach said, "Now to finally get changed. This outfit does nothing for my figure."

"I feel you, sister," Bowser replied as he kicked down the door. Inside the locker room, another officer was lounging behind a desk reading a copy of Playtoad Magazine. Upon the intrusion, the guard jumped to his feet and whipped out a pistol.

"Evening, officer," Bowser greeted.

"Hey, what are you doing here!?" the guard exclaimed, "Get back in your cells! I'll shoot!"

"With the safety on?"

The guard checked the side of his pistol and, upon confirming Bowser's claim, dropped the safety and aimed the weapon again.

"Don't worry, Rocko," Vinny explained, "we're on their side now."

"Really?" Rocko holstered his pistol and sat back down. "But I just got another message from those voodoo guys."

"Well, they started murdering us too, so sucks to suck, guess we're switching sides."

"Wait," Meta Knight said, "what was their message?"

"They said to keep the roof clear," Rocko elaborated, "Apparently one of their head honchos is making an air landing soon."

"Perfect!" Bowser pumped his fists in the air. "We can take one of the fuckers out right now!"

"Bowser," Meta Knight said, "we are not going to fight a member of the Villainoct when you're dripping blood by the pint if that's what you're suggesting."

"But I've got the Final Smash! I'm basically on God mode right now. I'll go up there, whip out the smash, and we'll be done with it."

"You're pretty confident in your Final Smash for someone who's never seen it."

"Well, I mean, if I'm this cool as a baseline, then my most powerful attack has to be devastating. Officer, take me to the roof! Anyone who's got the balls, grab your things and meet me up top."

Before the others could protest further, Vinny led Bowser out into the hall and towards a set of stairs.

"He's really about to try this," Meta Knight groaned as he rubbed his forehead, "Alright, everyone, let's get our equipment and get to the roof before Bowser kills himself."

Bowser raced up the stairs, held back only by the waddling pace of the guard escorting him. Eventually, though, they reached the peak of the stairwell. They could see black smog seeping inside through the underside of the door.

"Woohoo!" Bowser cheered, "Let's go, boys! We're boutta take out one of the big bads and we're not even in Hyrule yet! Ah, this is gonna be so easy. I'm hyped as fuck!"

Suddenly, Bowser keeled over, clutching his stomach as he coughed up blood and bile.

"Aeugh, I'm not hyped as fuck."

"Woah, did something happen to you?" Vinny asked, "Like, something new? Besides all the wounds you already had?"

"Nah, I think the adrenaline just wore off." Bowser pulled himself back up using the guardrails of the stairs and limped towards the door. "Hey, why is the floor moving like that? Why are there two of you?"

"Listen, just between you and me, are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Yeah, yeah, I got the Final Smash. C'mon, let's get this bread."

Bowser threw open the door and charged out for battle. Upon stepping outside, Bowser was sucked into a fucking black hole that had just kinda manifested on the rooftop. Vinny held onto the guardrail for dear life, but he too was ripped away and dragged into the void. The two were now stuck back to back, hovering in the center of the black hole.

"Huh. This is a bit of a hiccup," Bowser said, "I'm sure the others will get us out of here, and once we're out, then it's showtime!"

The other three then arrived in their normal attire - aside from Mario, for obvious crustaceous reasons - and were promptly sucked into the black hole too.

"Well fuck me seven ways to sunday, I guess we're boned. Nice to see you in clothes again, Meta Knight."

"Bowser, I swear to God," Meta Knight grumbled, stuck to Bowser's shin, "if we get out of this alive, you're dead. Everyone, hold on, I'll try and warp us."

Meta Knight threw his cape around the cluster that had formed in the black hole and warped the group as far away as he could. Even after travelling a few good meters, however, the gang was sucked straight back to the center.

"Just as I feared," Meta Knight said, "The gravity is too strong."

"Let's look on the bright side," Bowser said, "I'm no scientist or anything, but I heard black holes kill you if you go inside them, so we should consider ourselves lucky."

"You're not in the clear just yet, heroes."

The oily new voice thundered down from the sky, followed by a swirl of dark clouds. As hordes of Underworld monsters swooped down on tattered wings, the smog took a humanoid shape. It was the serpent haired giantess Bowser had convened with at his castle; the Underworld Goddess Medusa. The evil aura entangled with her body was so tangible, it clouded her physique. The Goddess of Darkness hovered over the prison, as even the building would crumble under her massive form.

"Oh hey!" Bowser said, "It's that lady from before!"

"How do you know who I am?" Medusa asked, sharpening her stare as she scrutinized the heroes.

"We talked back in-oh wait, fuck, uh, nope. No, we, uh, we've never spoken before. Not once. I've never even heard of the Villainoct before."

"Bowser," Meta Knight said, "you would benefit so greatly from never speaking again."

"Wait, whose voice is that?" asked Peach, who, from where she was trapped in the black hole, was stuck facing away from Medusa's direction.

"That's Medusa, princess. Leader of the Underworld army, and the wrangler for all of these monsters we've been dealing with."

"Thanks for taking care of my entrance, Meta Knight," Medusa said, "In exchange, I'll be taking care of your departure!"

Medusa slammed her twisted two-pronged staff onto the earth beside the prison. At her command, a small pig-faced castle hovered down via a set of propellers. More scuttling skulls poked their heads out of the windows. Golden doors beneath its snout opened up, allowing giant cannons to roll out and aim at the prison.

"Back in my heyday," Medusa said, "I'd be able to just incinerate you all right now with a mega laser. Right now, though, I'll have to settle with a more barbaric approach. We commandeered some artillery from this world, and from the start, our plan was to use it to blast you all to hell. We only had you locked up in this prison to keep you in the same place until my forces were properly mobilized. Now that the gang's all here, both you and this prison can all disappear!"

The snakes on Medusa's head hissed with glee, anticipating the moment that the heroes truly understood how doomed they were. But Bowser, quite to the contrary, laughed right back at the dark Goddess.

"Oh, lady, you clearly don't know what you're messing with. I almost feel bad for you. Tell you what, if you let us out of this black hole and leave the island, I'll spare you, promise."

"What are you on about?" Medusa puzzled.

"You wanna know? Fine, let me show you. Go Final Smash!"

Bowser puffed out his chest, ready for his true power to pour out and send the dark forces packing. As much as he tried to open up his soul and release his Final Smash, however, nothing seemed to happen.

"Hey, Meta Knight," Bowser whispered, "help me out here. I'm making myself look like a jackass."

"You're worried about that now?" Meta Knight looked up at Bowser eyes, watching as the glowing radiance of Smash dissipated. "It seems as though you've lost your Final Smash."

"_Lost_ it? But I didn't use it!"

"You didn't have to. If your Final Smash lingers for too long, the fire your soul kindles will settle down and you won't be able to release the smash."

"...And you didn't tell me that before I ran up here!?"

"I didn't think you would! Forgive me for overestimating your judgement!"

"You're not forgiven!"

"If you two are done," Medusa cut in, "I think I'll have to bid you adieu. Have fun getting obliterated, heroes!"

On that note, Medusa dissipated into a cloud of smoke once again. A bulky knight flew out of the floating castle on a jetpack, with a cannon under each arm.

"Behold, mortals!" the knight bellowed from up above, "It is I, Collin, seeker of darkness! The seeds of your demise have already been sown; brace yourselves as their fruits are reaped! Release the Banzai Bill!"

At Collin's command, his fortress released its artillery. A Banzai Bill - a jet black missile larger than the entire gang combined - squeezed its way out of the cannon and slowly descended upon them with a domineering toothy grin.

"Bowser," Peach asked, "your shell protected all of us from the crashing of the Halberd. Do you think it could take the blast from that missile?"

"Maybe the first one," Bowser said, "but even if my shell weren't so messed up right now, I don't think I could take repeat shots. Hmm...Wait! Hear me out, guys, I think I have an idea."

"Absolutely not." Meta Knight looked to the more witty of his companions. "Does anyone have anything we can use to shoot down that Banzai Bill in the air?"

"What could we use that would escape the gravitational field of this black hole?" Peach asked, "What if you warp us out of the way right before it makes impact?"

"That's a no go," Vinny replied, "I've seen those things before, the explosions they make are huge. Even if we move out of the way, we'll just get blown to pieces when it hits the roof beneath us."

"Guys, I swear, I got an idea." Bowser analyzed the missile coming down upon them, running whole computers worth of numbers in his head. Not all of those numbers were correct, but sometimes the journey matters more than the destination.

"Fine," Meta Knight groaned, "Let's hear it."

"I'm gonna catch that Banzai Bill! We just need to rotate a bit to the left so I can get better footing."

"Okay, so now that we've all heard Bowser's stupid fucking idea, someone help me grab onto the floor. If we're lucky, we can climb along it back into the stairwell."

"Meta Knight," Peach said, "you know we don't have the strength to pull ourselves out of the black hole. We should try Bowser's plan, if only because we have nothing else to do."

"...Fine. Everyone, roll!"

The gang squirmed and wiggled, slowly rolling their cluster until Bowser was in his optimal position. As the Banzai Bill hovered just inches above them, Bowser stretched out his arms and prepared to unleash his own type of Final Smash.

"Showtime!"

As it struck Bowser's palms, the Banzai Bill's metal shell burned fiercely enough to sear even the koopa's thick hide. But Bowser pressed on, allowing his muscles to petrify and withstand the force of the missile. Even as he felt his muscles begin to snap off of the bones, Bowser dug his heels into the stone beneath and heaved against the descent of the missile. Meta Knight stared silently as Bowser miraculously lofted the explosive over his own head.

"Fuck yeah, I did it!" Bowser cheered through gritted teeth, "Haha...What do I do now?"

"I can't believe this is working!" Meta Knight climbed Bowser's leg and perched himself atop Bowser's shoulder. "Bowser, try swinging the missile around to build up momentum. With how big that Bill is, maybe it can develop enough inertia to fling us outside of the event horizon of this black hole."

"Oh, yeah, yeah. I was gonna suggest that, I was just waiting to see if you'd say the same thing-"

"Just do it already!"

As his blood vessels bundled up and bulged out from beneath his scales, Bowser swiveled around and tried to start pivoting with the missile in hand. Sweat trickled down his brow as the enormous device slipped from his grasp, but he pressed on regardless. Collin rattled and jangled as he gestured wildly at his troops.

"What are you all just hanging around here for!? Fire another one! And shoot the one in his hand!"

Before any of the other artillerymen could even begin to load another Banzai Bill, Collin hoisted one of his cannons over his shoulders and shot a round at the heroes. Unlike the Bill, it flew blindingly fast, only identifiable as a brief burst of blue.

"Keep swinging!" Meta Knight commanded, gripping his cape, "I'll take care of this!"

Meta Knight warped himself between the shot and Bowser's Bill. He took it with an unexpected splat; the wind was knocked out of him, sure, but he was fine regardless. But as he was sucked back into the black hole, he felt the "shot" wiggling around on his face. Suppressing a revolted wretch or two, Meta Knight ripped the living projectile off of his face. Collin had fired a big, juicy worm with a single eye and a pair of feathery wings.

"Behold, mortals," the worm said, "It is I, Phil, marketing agent of darkness. Are you interested in purchasing a shirt from Collin's merch store?"

Meta Knight sliced Phil in half and threw away his remains, which were then sucked in by gravity and slapped into Mario to his silent dismay. When the Bill had built up enough speed, Bowser gripped his cohorts with his beefy arm and gave a firm headbutt to the Bill's backside. With that extra boost, the missile was sent rocketing out of the black hole's gravity, carrying the heroes along for the ride.

"Success!" Meta Knight cried, "I'll warp us onto the ground and we can get out of here!"

"Hey, wait!" Bowser wrapped his legs around the missile and shimmied his way up its exterior. "Warp the others out of here. Leave me here."

"What? Why?"

"If we just run, they'll follow us. I'm gonna finish this now."

"Alright. Here's hoping this is one of your better ideas."

Bowser released his grip on his friends, who Meta Knight snatched away into his cloak. Now without liability, Bowser planted his feet on the missile and dug his claws into the side of the Bill. With a jerk to the side, Bowser began to steer the missile up towards the flying fortress.

"Focus your fire on that commandeered explosive!" Collin barked. Skeletal serpents answered his call, slithering down from the clouds upon waves of flames and dust. One by one, they slung themselves at Bowser like arrows, only to be deflected by the back of his burly hands. Still, they took their toll on his body; every deflection took more and more effort. His injuries, having no time to mend, started to numb his mind. Soon, a few of the fire wyrms slipped past his blind spots, denting the missile's shell and pushing it closer to the brink of detonation. Even if the wyrms could be held at bay, the flying fort had already shot another Banzai Bill Bowser's way.

And yet Bowser couldn't be less deterred. If the missile had to blow, it would be to his advantage. After changing his position so that he lied between the Banzai Bill and the castle, he punched his fist straight through the metal plating of the missile. It exploded immediately, spitting fire and shrapnel in every direction. The force was devastating, splitting his shell into several craggy pieces, but Bowser muscled through the pain as the force shot him away. Because of his positioning, he crashed straight through the door of the pig-faced fortress, landing inside with a thud. More one-eyed skulls scuttled over to his limp body, hoping to get a cheap strike in on him. It was a pleasant change of pace for Bowser to bash those skulls into powder. Those counted as wins, right? After that, it was just Bowser inside the fortress. Bowser, of course, and the loads of Banzai Bills stacked beside him.

"Now wait just a minute," Bowser said, pulling himself up off of the floor, "I think I've got another brilliant idea."

As fire wyrms were slithering up to the castle's doors, Bowser hoisted a Banzai Bill into the air and chucked it at his attackers. The serpents were blown into dusty bony pieces, disappearing in a cloud of debris. He picked up another Bill, waiting for the dust to settle and for more wyrms to dive in, but instead Collin rocketed straight into Bowser's gut. Bowser dropped the bill and toppled over again, feeling one of his lungs cave in with a harsh pop.

"You idiot!" Collin yelled, "Not only have you seized my artillery, but you're not even using it correctly! Don't you think that cannon beside you has a purpose?"

Bowser rolled over just in time to avoid a point-blank shot from Collin's firearms. With one hand, he ripped the Bill cannon out of its stone foundation and threw it Collin's way.

"That's not what I meant!"

Alas, Collin's protest was no match for the unbridled power of inertia. The cannon smashed him into the wall, rendering him silent. Now all Bowser had to do was take care of the invaders down on the ground, and what better way to finish them off than with the execution method intended for Bowser and his allies? He punched the ground beneath his feet, tearing it open and allowing all of the stockpiled Banzai Bills to descend onto the infested prison. All of the bloodshed he'd endured would be worth it if he could watch the Underworld Army go up in smoke.

"Lady Medusa isn't just some sorceress, fool. She is a Goddess."

The whimpering voice came from Collin's mangled corpse. He'd been reduced to a near 2-dimensional facsimile of his former glory, and yet his voice seethed with as much vitriol as ever. He held up his hand, now festering with Medusa's sinister aura, and snapped the only two functioning fingers he had left. Just then, a swarm of black holes appeared, manifesting above the falling Banzai Bills. The gravitational pull of the black holes and that of the Earth canceled each other out, suspending the Bills in midair.

"Not only does her grace possess tremendous power, but she can bestow those powers upon her patrons. Using her power to conjure these singularities, I've locked these missiles into place in the air. Now that they're experiencing a neutral net force, even the smallest push or pull will have complete control over them. Including the pull of that black hole I just placed by the entrance. The one that has captured your cohorts."

The fire in Bowser's gut flickered down, recoiling at the possibility that it was more than a taunt. He scanned around the prison below to find the front door; sure enough, a new black hole had appeared and engulfed the others. Slowly but surely, the Banzai Bills were nudged one by one out of place, drifting along a path to collide into Bowser's friends.

"Take your survival in humility, heathen. Your friends are finished!"

After he coughed out his last remark, Collin dropped dead behind the cannon. Just when Bowser thought them all to be in the clear, and now the Bills he dropped would be their downfall! That Final Smash would've been useful right about now. He felt something building up inside of him, but was it some magical power or just the hopelessness sinking in?

It was neither. It was pure anger.

All of the injuries he'd taken, all of the sick tricks he had to pull in such quick succession, and it would all be nullified by some cheap hack from a Goddess? It was basically cheating! To move another muscle right now felt like it would kill him, but he'd be glad to die before he let bullshit like this slide. After dealing a firm smack to his wounds in the hopes of stabilizing them, Bowser lifted the Banzai cannon and threw it to the ground below - hurling himself out along with it. Wind whipped his eyes as he descended, but he managed to keep them open just enough to aim for the black hole carrying his friends. Still, with every inch he approached the gang, the flurry of Bills seemed to approach another foot. His despair only made him angrier; he could feel his organs bubbling against the heat of his internal flame. His fury poured out as a throaty roar so loud, the prison's windows shattered into pieces. It must've been loud enough for some higher power to hear; in spite of the odds, Bowser managed to crash into his friends first. All of them were smashed into the dirt below by the collision, disorienting some and knocking out others.

"Everyone, get in!"

Bowser ushered his friends into the cannon, forcibly cramming them in as they failed to understand. When they were all inside, Bowser lit the fuse and hopped in himself. The cannon spit the gang out, propelling them out of the black hole and into the fence surrounding the prison. With mere seconds before the missiles made impact, Meta Knight wrapped his cape around the group and warped them away.

The gang reappeared outside of the bounds of the prison, with shrapnel and wire still flying through the air. For the most part, though, the explosion has subsided in their absence. All that was left of the conflict was a field of fire and molten steel, littered with bones and severed tentacles. The odor of charred flesh dominated the air, countered only by the buttery scent of Mario's savory flesh. Bowser pulled himself back up to his feet, almost stepping on the poor shrimp.

"I think that went well."

"What about that did you consider 'well'?" Peach asked as she dusted off her dress.

"Let's see. We could have died and yet we didn't. And now those undead monsters are off our backs. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me."

"Even still, this wouldn't have been as close of a call if you hadn't tried to confront Medusa in the first place."

"C'mon, I'm sure we would've had to confront them anyway."

"We should've planned our attack together. Wouldn't you agree, Meta Knight?"

"What you did was pretty stupid, Bowser," Meta Knight said, "Stupidly gnarly, that is. You fucking got 'em, bro."

"Fuck yeah, you know it!"

Bowser and Meta Knight then gave each other a slapping forearm handshake and did a celebratory Dougie atop the bodies of their enemies.

"Well," Peach sighed, "at least we all made it out okay."

"Rocko!"

The group turned to see Vinny kneeling before the wreckage of the prison as tears trickled down his face.

"He was still in there!" Vinny cried. Peach approached the sobbing officer and gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Oh man, I'm so sorry," Bowser said, "that I went so easy on those fucking lamers! I'll show them my A-game next time, baby, let's go!"

"What am I gonna tell his mother?"

"Hey, can you shut your mouth for like a minute? We're trying to celebrate here. Geez, what an asshole. Anyway, speaking of falling over and going into shock."

Bowser then fell over and went into shock.

"Bowser!" Peach exclaimed.

"Well this is great." Meta Knight perched himself on Bowser's back. "Help me bring him back to town. We need to lick our wounds and get off of this island as soon as we can. There's no way the Villainoct should've been able to figure out we crash landed on Isle Delfino; a spy must've trailed us."


	19. A1C19 - Let's Call It Ectoplasm for Now

You couldn't spend much time inside Dracula's castle without getting the feeling that you were being watched. If it really did have a soul, it wasn't one that enjoyed company. Despite showing no signs of disrepair, the floors creaked and groaned with even the lightest step taken upon it. The halls were flooded with red too, as if to deter the more gentle of hearts. Red carpets on the floor, red light seeping through the windows, and the faintest drops of blood decorating the walls. The final guard against intruders was the chill blowing through the air; it speared you cleanly, before latching onto your soul and tearing it out. All those left in its wake shambled within the castle no less hollow than the creatures of the night who called it home.

Luigi found himself feeling just as hollow as he bore the screams echoing throughout the castle. With only the door at the end of the hall to muffle them, Luigi could hear every tremble of the larynx producing these screeches. The sound could hardly be described as just "murderous" - if every nerve in your body was struck with the deepest electrifying pain, you'd likely make a sound similar to what Luigi was forced to listen to. The sensation triggered his most primal urges for retreat - an instinct he knew his brother would not feel - yet he knew that he could not. Instead, he merely cowered by the door, holding his ears until the screaming came to an abrupt halt.

"Ah, good lord," Wario said, buckling his pants as he threw open the door, "That was a fat shit."

"Sounds-a like you really needed to go." Luigi rubbed his ears as he rose from the floor. "Lucky we-a happened to find a bathroom then."

"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, totally. Course we did."

With nature's call answered, Wario stumbled over to the door on the opposite end of the hall from whence they came. The knob to the door, an opulent gold sculpture in the shape of a bat's head, firmly resisted when Wario tried to turn it.

"And of course it locked from the other side. I can't take this anymore."

Wario stomped on the floor in his fury, earning another creak from the floorboards.

"Be careful!" Luigi warned, "What if the floor breaks? You could fall through!"

"The floors aren't gonna break. Look at them, they're impeccable. Not like the beautiful mass of mold and mildew where I call home. We need to get back to my place pronto. It's been a whole seven minutes since I last ejaculated, and my babymaker aches for the tight embrace of vibrating silicone."

"Well-a what do we do?"

"I dunno, you come up with a plan. Didn't you say you wanted to become independent or something? Isn't that your character arc?"

"I, uh, I never-a said that."

"No, but you were thinking it, and I can read you like a book. Not a high reading level book, either; we're talking Hungry Hungry Caterpillar type shit."

Wario scratched his stubbled chin as he dropped onto the tattered old couch. He grumbled to drown out the cries of the couch's dust bunnies and mites, all crying out in pain beneath the weight of Wario's hefty cheeks. He pondered and pondered, but just moving through the demon castle was a cumbersome task, let alone navigating it. How could they get out of the building so that they could use the Telmet to teleport home?

"Oh wait, we can just use the Telmet right now." Wario ran a hand against the Telmet, which he'd yet to remove. "Huh. I guess that was easier than I thought it'd be."

"Isn't it-a too easy?" Luigi mewled, "This-a place is supernatural. Won't there be some-a sort of magical barrier keeping us in?"

"I mean, maybe, but it can't hurt to try."

"I guess. But still, can we-a really use the Telmet to just-a teleport out of here?"

Just then, Death popped out of Wario's "bathroom" with an intricate marble urn in one bony hand and a bag of Cheez Doodles in the other.

"Wait, wait, wait, what's this about teleporting?" the reaper asked, pocketing his Doodles.

"You!" Wario rolled up his sleeves, itching for a brawl, "How long were you following us!?"

"I wasn't. I was in the clock tower, like I said. But I'm automatically summoned whenever something dies."

"Who died?"

"Something you ate for lunch apparently. Literally. I'm pretty sure you consumed a small animal whole."

"I dumpster dive occasionally. Saves cash."

"Look, look, does someone wanna explain this 'teleporting' business?"

"We were-a planning to use Wario's Telmet to teleport out of the mansion." Luigi pointed a gloved finger at Wario's space transposing headwear.

"...It can teleport?"

"Yeah. A wizard closed off all of the warp pipes between this world and-a Nintendo World, so this helmet was the only way to-a get here."

Death slowly brought a skeletal finger to his chin, mulling over Luigi's response for a few seconds. Eventually, a dull chuckle rattled out of his neck.

"Hahaha. And you really think that helmet's gonna be able to get you out of here?"

"See, Wario!? I-a told you!" Luigi quivered as he hid behind his partner in crime, "I-a told you he has some way to keep us in here!"

How horrible Luigi felt having his suspicions confirmed. He could hardly stand to look at the spectre now that the latter had the advantage; with eyes that sunken and murky, who knew what sinister thoughts Death could be thinking?

_Fuck, _Death was thinking, _Of course the little shitstains can teleport. My bad, right? Why would I ever expect green Mario and this two-bit John Wayne Gacy lookalike to _not _have a magical helmet that fucking teleports? My bad. Fuck me. Y'know, coy video game references aside, maybe this is partially my fault for trying to kidnap him with some sort of Eddie Murphy's Haunted Mansion type of scheme. A simple chloroforming would've done wonders._

"Luigi," Wario groaned with his head in his palms, "you thick-headed ingrate, that's a bluff. He's lying."

"What? But-a why?"

"Ah, gee, I know, right? Why would someone do that? Just go around, telling lies. Surely our good buddy Death - the literal reaper of souls - is above such mischief."

"Couldn't have put it better myself, my odoriferous associate!" As Death wrapped one bony arm around Wario in a chummy fashion, he slithered the other up towards the Telmet. "And since that helmet won't be doing you any favors, I might as well just throw it in the trash for you-"

"Hey, hey, hold on! Even if the Telmet's really as useless as you say it is, there's no reason to not give it one go. If it really doesn't work, you can do whatever you want with it."

"Nah, nah, you don't have to do that. It's not necessary."

"Why not? Because it works, right?"

"No, no, there's just, uh, there's just no need for that."

"Luigi, say goodbye to the skeleton man." Wario pulled himself from Death's grip and began entering coordinates into the Telmet's remote. "We're going back home. Actually, we're going to a Chick-fil-A first. I'm getting the rumblies. You're looking a little queer today, though, so you might have to wait outside."

"Wait! If you try to use it, you might break it!"

"Why do you care?"

"Because, uh…I wanna add it to my collection."

"Your collection?"

"Why of course! I...run a pawn shop. Where I sell all sorts of trinkets and souvenirs. I do have to obtain them first, though, so perhaps you and I can make a little business transaction."

"Hmm. You've piqued my interest. How much cash you got on ya?"

"But Wario," Luigi said, poking out from behind Wario's girthy form, "didn't you-a say he was lying?"

"Yeah, but now he's talking about money, so I'm obligated to see where this goes."

"Excellent!" Death pat down his scrappy robes, only to be met with naught but the crunchy crinkle of his Cheez Doodles. "Oof, uh, thing is, I don't exactly have _cash_ on me right now, but-"

"Chick-fil-A, here we come."

"But I'll trade you! I'll trade you the most valuable souvenir in my collection! Something worth more than that stupid helmet!"

"Well that's kind of suspicious. Why would you wanna make a trade where you end up with a worse product?"

"Alright, then I'll trade you something slightly shittier than the helmet."

"And why would _I_ wanna make a trade where _I_ end up with a worse product?"

"You are making this a bitch and a half. Okay, look at it like this. That helmet may be a valuable piece of hardware, but can you really sell it where you're from? So what it can teleport? You people already have cars, transportation is basically covered. No market for it. But the pungent stench I can see trailing off of your body tells me that something your hometown doesn't have a market for is hygiene."

Death fluttered over to a closet down the hall. After letting some emaciated corpses roll out and digging through the closet's dusty contents, Death pulled out a bright red vacuum cleaner and held it up for display.

"Your offer is a vacuum cleaner?" Wario asked.

"Not just any vacuum cleaner, my friend! It's the very same vacuum Courtney Love used to clean Kurt Cobain's brain matter out of his carpet." Death tapped a glass tanker jutting out of the back of the vacuum, filled with a gurgling green slime. "It even comes fully loaded with rare limited edition...um...let's call it 'ectoplasm' for now."

"Huh. It's got history, it's got functionality, it's got goo; it's got everything I could ever want. Tell you what, Skeletor, throw in those Cheez Doodles you're pocketing, and you've got a deal."

"What?"

"You heard me. I'm starving here! If I'm not getting out of here anytime soon, something's gotta hold me over."

With a heavy heart, Death relinquished his cheesy snack over to Wario in exchange for the Telmet. The spectre had won, but at what cost? Death vanished, leaving the vacuum in Wario's grubby hands.

"Wait here," Wario said as he unbuckled his pants, "I'm gonna try something real quick."

Wario waddled over into the bathroom again. A split second whirr roared into the hall, followed by a pained mechanical crunch and the snapping of fabric fibers. Soon, the room went silent, and Wario stepped back out.

"Nevermind, this thing is useless. You can have it."

Wario tossed the vacuum Luigi's way. Luigi reached out, yet missed entirely, letting the machine crash into the ground and split into pieces.

"Wow, Luigi, you're just fucking completely incapable, aren't you?"

Luigi bent down and scurried to pick up the vacuum. As he scooped up the dislodged scrap, however, he noticed a familiar sigil; the visage of a curly haired old man emblazoned upon a broken latch.

"Hey...I-a recognize this logo! This-a vacuum is a Poltergust!"

"Polterwhat?"

"Poltergust! It's a line of vacuums made by-a Gadd Science, Incorporated. I'm-a friends with the founder, Professor E. Gadd. This is his logo."

"Oh, Gadd Science! Yeah, I've heard of those guys! I bought a Gadd Science brand cock sleeve before. Gave me a rash, but I tend to get rashes down there anyway, what with the smegma. Did you know people with diabetes are more likely to contract balanitis, Luigi? It's because the sugar in your urine collects under the foreskin. Crazy shit, I know."

After he was done recoiling from Wario's comment, Luigi mashed the Poltergust together with its loose bits.

"If it's-a like the other Poltergust, it-a should have some shoulder straps."

Luigi tugged on a belt hanging out from the bottom of the Poltergust. On cue, the glass tanker on the back was released, cracking open and spilling out its green goo.

"No! The goo!" Wario cried, "That was 33% of the reason why I wanted it in the first place!"

"Maybe we can-a just put it back in?"

Luigi pressed his hand into the goo, preparing to usher it into the broken tanker. As he dug his hand in, however, the slime rumbled and swelled. Its volume ballooned exponentially, forming a solid mound rising out of the center of the pool. Luigi screeched as he ripped his hand away. Instantly, the goo deflated back to original size. Luigi inspected the palms of his hands, but found them only to be a bit damper and now smelling of ground coffee. The plumber gently dipped his hand back into the goo - trembling as he did so - prompting the slime to grow once again. As the mound continued to rise beyond its former height, it began to take the shape of Luigi's own hand. Luigi clenched his fist inside of the goo; following suit, the goo's hand clenched as well. As he moved his hand through the green slime, the hand moved in a mirrored synchrony.

"E. Gadd, I knew you-a had some tricks up your sleeve."

"Ooh, that looks cool, lemme touch it!"

The goo gurgled harder as Wario dove his hands inside. As he scooped the goo off of the ground, he unintentionally yanked it out of the splits in the floorboards through which it had begun to exude.

"Ew, it's-a seeping through the cracks like phlegm."

Luigi's own observation planted an idea in his head. He swiveled around and analyzed the space beneath the locked door; there was more than enough room for what he had in mind. Still, what if it backfired, and made things even worse for the unfortunate duo?

"Staring at the door's not gonna get it to open," Wario said.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. I-a just had an idea."

"What is it?"

"It's-a nothing. It was probably a bad idea."

"Well I don't have _any_ ideas, so we either sit here and die, or we do whatever stupid bullshit you've got brewing in your head and then die. There's no difference, ultimately."

"Yeah...yeah, you're right! Help me squeeze this goo underneath the door!"

And so Luigi and Wario compressed the goo into something similar to a ball and hauled it over to the locked door. After dropping it with a splat, they crammed it beneath the door, leaving just a portion of the slime hanging behind. Luigi pressed his hand back into the ghostly concoction, watching through the space beneath the door as the goo's hand reformed on the other side.

"I have a little control over the gooey hand. Maybe I can-a use it to unlock the door. I-a just need to know when I'm actually touching the knob."

Luigi waved his hand through the goo, waiting for some sort of reaction. No matter where Luigi moved his hand, though, nothing seemed to change; he could only faintly hear the wet thump of the gooey hand smacking against the door. To make matters worse, the goo started to recede, escaping Luigi's grasp as it was sucked away beneath the door.

"No! We're-a losing it! Why is it going away!?"

"Hold on, I got you!"

Wario dropped to his knees and tried tugging the goo back with his burly hands, but only managed to slow down its secession. As he and Luigi frantically waded through the goo, however, Wario noticed that the goo's rumbling had once again intensified. He held his hands still, and the goo promptly calmed down.

"Wait, that's it!" Wario said, jumping to his feet.

"What is!?"

"The goo reacts when it touches something that's moving!"

Wario gripped the door knob and began jiggling it violently.

"Now, Luigi! Start reaching around! Look for when it starts bubbling!"

Luigi shook his hand as fast as he could. His heart pounded harder with every smack of the goo against the door, like a war drum playing in the back of his head. Just as the goo was about to slip away beneath the door, it burst into froth and foamy growls; they'd found the knob. Luigi clenched the last drop of goo he had to turn the knob, and with a gentle click, the door drifted open.

"Haha! We did it!" Wario cheered.

"Yeah! Let's-a go! Nothing can stop us now!" Luigi pumped his fist in the air as he ran through the door, carried weightlessly by the high of their victory. "It's-a Luigi time!"

Luigi time ended approximately one second later, as Luigi beheld the current state of the goo. The hand had grown into a full human form; specifically, that of Luigi's. The gooey Luigi had replicated the original down to the pore. Every strand of moustache hair was identical. The goo had even made itself a copy of Luigi's Poltergust. And yet with how complete of a copy the goo had begun, its eyes couldn't be more desolate. You could hardly say that it was staring _at _Luigi. More likely, it was staring at the all encompassing void that surrounds all of us, and it only happened to be faced Luigi's way. Luigi's face went a ghostly white as he stumbled backwards and fell over. Upon toppling onto the floor, he broke clean through the floor, descending into a pit of shadow and hitting the ground with a crash. Wario peered into the murky abyss, bug-eyed with shock.

"Luigi! Ah shit, that nit-witted beanpole was supposed to be my ticket out of here! I guess if I hope to ever fill the old cum drawer back home, I need to save him."

Wario gripped the rim of the hole Luigi had left behind, readying himself to dive in.

"It's time, Wario! It's time for you to complete your own character arc and become a better person! It's time for-"

"It's-a Luigi time!"

Wario paused and turned towards the warbled voice. The gooey Luigi was staring back down at Wario, rocking back and forth on the heels of his shoes.

"What did you just say?"

"It's-a Luigi time!"

Wario crawled out of the pit, eyeing his new partner in slime as an idea crossed his mind.

"Do your best Luigi impression."

"It's-a Luigi time!"

"That sounds...believable. Bonehead said his boss needed Luigi, but it doesn't necessarily have to be _that_ Luigi, right? You get what I'm saying, uh...Gooigi?"

"It's-a Luigi time!"

"That's gonna get old mighty quick."

And so, Wario and Gooigi continued down the hall, leaving Luigi behind.

"Hopefully, this 'Count' guy is a man of reason."

* * *

The well before Ganondorf's throne room was supposed to reveal any secret the mind could hunger for when used by a proper diviner. As Medusa hunched over its mystic waters, however, she was faced with nothing but a cloudy murk. Her assault on the prison should've been a complete success, but she merely succeeded in alerting Meta Knight's crew of her presence. It was more than a failure; it was an embarrassment.

Medusa's sulking was interrupted as the gold gilded doors to the throne room swung open. The dark lord Count Dracula strolled out, his lifeless aura exuding just a bit less misery as he laid eyes on his cohort.

"Good evening, Lady Medusa." Dracula gently bowed his head before the Underworld Goddess.

"Lord Dracula. What brought you here?"

"Ganondorf asked for an update on the status of the Mirror."

"You couldn't have explained that over the transceiver?"

"Admittedly, I had removed my transceiver to avoid overhearing Ridley's outbursts. Still, it is irritating to have trekked all this way for something so trivial."

"I have some reserve troops on hand. Next time, I could arrange to have you carried."

Dracula let a brief snicker escape his pale lips. He covered his mouth as quickly as he could, but Medusa's smirk made it clear he was too late.

"Well what of you? How go your exploits against Meta Knight and his lot?"

"Not great. I had them all locked up in a prison, and then I blew up the prison. But my spy on Isle Delfino says that they survived."

Medusa bashed the tip of her staff against the floor, ripping at the greasy black locks that interrupted her serpentine hair.

"Curses. I told everyone I had this under control. If I don't have Meta Knight's head on a stick soon, I could become the laughing stock of this organization."

"Patience, Medusa. Patience is a virtue. Given enough scrutiny, they will falter, and you'll have your opportunity to strike them down. They are mortals, after all. Higher beings such as us simply need time."

"I suppose so. Thank you."

"Of course. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get in and out of here before I run into-"

"Dimentio!" Dimentio declared as he materialized in Dracula's path, "That's the name, and superb comedic timing is the game!"

"Oh hell." Dracula stepped back, rubbing his now pulsing temples with withered fingers. "Dimentio, didn't I warn you about following me around?"

"I didn't follow you! I was just summoned here by Lord Ganondorf. Our convergence was entirely to my surprise."

"Right. Well, while we're together, I suppose I should inform you that Death managed to wrangle your friend Luigi into my castle. Whenever you wish to proceed with your plans for him, you may come retrieve him and-"

"Ooh, you found Luigi!? Wonderful! I have a special mixture prepared just for him!"

"Yes, that's all well and good. Now if I could just get back to my-"

"Now then, the next step in our plan is to administer this mixture to Luigi. I assume Death can take care of this too? Maybe he can prepare a fine five course meal, and slowly dose every course of the meal; starting with the spinach puff appetizers, then moving onto-"

"Take caution with your demands, wizard. Chatter stokes my bloodthirst."

Dracula's scleras began to crack, seeping with a bloody red light. The hall was swiftly plunged into darkness centered around the vampire king.

"As much as I hate to disappoint, Lord Dracula, I'm afraid I don't have a drop of blood to spare! Unless you're suggesting you'll drain the pulp from my paper body?"

"I'm suggesting that unless you step out of my way within the next half second, I'll suck every mortal in this world dry. Once you have no one left to latch onto like a fungus and smother with your inane ramblings, _then _I'll finish you."

Dimentio opened his mouth to retort, yet nothing trickled out. After a moment of hanging in the air silently, the jester gave Dracula a little curtsy, jingling the bells on his cap before zipping away into Ganondorf's throne room. Dracula clutched his chest and let out a sigh, lifting the shade on the hallway.

"And here I thought patience was a virtue," Medusa teased as Dracula slithered out of the hall.

"Any virtues I have left would be wasted on him."


	20. A1C20 - Omega, The One Year Anniversary

In the World of Nintendo; where tragedy, murder, gore, and substance abuse all lurk around every corner; one can find it hard to hold onto an optimistic outlook. But things aren't always that bad, right? That's what Purple told himself as he and his cohort dug through broken glass and clone bodies. There's a bright side to everything. In this moment, for instance, Purple's earlier assumption was proven entirely right. When the two of them let Dr. Mario escape, Purple had claimed they were probably due for a demotion. What else could you call their current state other than a demotion? In times like these, decent foresight was a valuable asset, no? With that mindset, Purple found it easy - instinctive, even - to comment positively on their situation.

"We're dead," Purple mumbled as milky cloning goo splashed onto his face, "We are so fucking dead."

"Can you shut it?" Red asked as he scrounged around inside a broken glass tanker, "Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to keep saying it."

"I'm sorry, man, but our lives are hanging on the survivability of a cluster of cells in a glass dish that just got hurled into a planet! I mean, we are done!"

"I understand!" Red threw up his claws and slammed them against the murky glass cage. "You think I don't get it by now, after we've been in this mess since...how long has it even been since Mario broke out?"

"Let's see, the first chapter came out on the 30th...I think it's been exactly a year, actually."

"In universe, dipshit."

"Oh, uh, a few hours."

"Jesus. Let's just get back to work. Who knows how long we have until Dimentio decides he's waited long enough."

Just then, the transceivers strapped to the side of their brittle heads went off. They froze, waiting for a moment in some nugatory attempt to evade the call, but the ringing only grew more and more domineering.

"...Well," Purple said, "I guess now we know how long we have."

"Ugh, I'm gonna be sick. I need a minute outside."

Red dropped his head into his claws and shambled out of the room. The difference between being inside or outside the room was negligible, what with the walls of the room having been blown clean off during the crash, but a facsimile of a doorway was at least left standing. Purple followed Red out the door, throwing a claw on his companion's shoulder.

"Hey, man," Purple said, "we might be about to die, neither of us will die alone"

"You're right." Red turned around and embraced Purple with his lanky bug arms. "If we go out, we go out together, brother."

"This is it. This is real friendship."

"You bet it is. You're answering the call, though. If you do, maybe they'll forget I'm part of this."

"You sack of shit." Purple hit his transceiver to take the call. "Hello? Who is-"

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH!?"

Purple recoiled in pain, flinching at the ear-splitting volume of the other end of the line.

"Geez, that guy sounded pissed!" Purple said as he ripped off his transceiver. The caller was screaming so loudly, Red could hear his voice without even plugging in the device.

"Hmm...You're right about that," Red replied, "but I don't think he's pissed at us. Listen to him, he just keeps going."

As the two Zebesians continued to listen in on the broadcast, Purple's glossy insectoid eyes glew with awareness.

"Wait a minute! This sounds like that one guy who really wanted to be an Elite Pirate!"

"Upsilon? The guy who had a psychotic episode in a fighter jet and carpet bombed his own platoon? What ever happened to him?"

"I heard they just chucked him onto Tallon and told him they were gonna make him an Elite Pirate to get him to shut up. Even gave him class 3 authority. I'm sure they didn't let him actually do anything important, though. Otherwise, he'd probably end up running across the surface of Tallon in a Phazon fueled rampage, racking up billions of dollars in damaged assets along the way. That would just be so unfortunate."

"Whatever he ends up doing, I don't wanna hear about it. Turn that thing off."

After Purple silenced Upsilon's frenetic rant, Red bent down and continued to pilfer through the piles of scrap littering the ground. Purple craned his neck to peer over the wreckage of the Orpheon. Tallon IV's surface had mellowed out after the collapse of the frigate; the dust settled, allowing the sun's oppressive heat to beat down on the sand at full force. Strangely, the earth around the Orpheon had developed some tiny pits. The holes were nearly perfectly spherical, as if a giant ice cream scooper had ripped those sections of land out of the planet's crust. How oddly geometric.

Eventually, Red's digging led him to bump into a wall behind him. A drawer slid out, with a collection of glass plates rattling from its interior. Red and Purple peered inside, to find one labeled with a strip of masking tape: "Mother".

"Mother!" Purple said, "Dimentio was saying something about a mother, right?"

Red picked out the plate and inspected it with his chunky claw hand. A gelatinous film sat on the bottom of the dish, colored a shade of rusty carmine and speckled all over.

"And so," Red said, "fortune shines upon the wicked."

"The wicked? Wait...are we the bad guys?"

"...We're pirates. We murder people. We rape their women, take their money, and blow up their planets."

"I've never done anything like that!"

"Neither have I, but we're part of this organization so we're complicit."

"But I never _chose_ to be a Space Pirate! I came out of a tube! I was literally born for this job!"

"And you're still this shitty at it. It's incredible, really."

"I refuse to take responsibility for the vile actions carried out by the Space Pirates!"

"So you've finally grown a soft spot for all of the people and planets that have had their lives ruined by the Pirates, huh?"

"What? No, fuck 'em, I just don't wanna be held accountable for it."

"Let's save accountability and other moral quandaries for after we're out of this mess. This drawer was probably some sort of an incubator, why don't you check to see if it survived the crash while I try to hit up Dimentio."

Red meandered back into the research area as he dialed into his own transceiver. The promise of freedom from his vicious cycle only made his stomach churn harder at the sight of the Orpheon's wreckage. What a delight it would be to be away from the screams of molten steel splashing onto the planet's surface, and the stench of preservatives pouring out of the clone cadavers. That having been said, one clone corpse was noticeably absent.

"Hey," Red asked, scratching his head as he stared at the tanker he was investigating earlier, "isn't it weird that there's no corpse by this tanker? The door's wide open, you would think the body would be hanging around here somewhere."

"Maybe he survived and got off this planet," Purple replied, "We should do the same."

"For the first time today, I have to say I agree. If I could, I'd just clap my hands and be off of this wreckage in the blink of an-"

Before Red could finish, his body vanished into thin air. The culture fell from the height at which Red had once been carrying it, crashing into the floor in a flurry of glass and gel. Purple poked his head into the research area to inspect the incident.

"Now that's just the antithesis of good. Hey, dude? Where you at? We got a problem here."

No one returned the call. Only the empty tanker beckoned back, continuing to dominate the room with its cavernous interior. After the aforementioned mellowing of the Orpheon, the silence of the cloning vessel bellowed louder than any dying Space Pirate. Suddenly Purple's mind returned to the pits carved into Tallon's surface. Something in his cybernetic mind insisted he had heard of this before. Chunks of the floor being ripped out. Workers disappearing in the research area. All centered around one entity, one phantom haunting the Orpheon. Finally, the pieces all slid into place, and as quickly as they did, Purple leapt as far away from the tanker as he could. His breath was shallow now, and both of his hearts pounded too hard for him to hear any of his own thoughts. The intense aura of death billowing from the tanker trapped Purple in the room, leaving him to cower before its presence. All that he could muster the will to do now was to strap on his transceiver and relay this message:

"Red alert! Red alert! Tallon IV, this is the frigate Orpheon! Subject 1-S-0 has escaped containment and is currently active on the planet's surface! Bunker down now and may God have mercy on you all…"

* * *

Dr. Mario found it charming that he at least got to have a touching chat with Toon Link before getting completely and utterly fucking obliterated by enough explosive force to make the Texas City Disaster look like a persistent case of the old industrial sniffles. While the doctor could still feel his mind being gnawed upon by the circumstances of his situation, he felt as though he could treat his discussion with Toon Link as some sort of closure upon his death. Sure, the whole death thing was a problem in and of itself, but there wasn't much Dr. Mario could do about it beyond clamping his eyes shut and preparing for death as their vessel plummeted into the canyon below.

And yet no such gruesome end met with the doctor. That's how it seemed, at least. Perhaps death felt a lot less painful than one might assume. After all, he was encased in the all encompassing darkness that was commonly associated with the passing of one's soul. Once he opened up his eyes, however, he found himself chained back to his mortal coil. Him and Toon had somehow ended up out of the ship and in a dimly lit cavern. Well, not entirely out of the ship; the bottom half of the vessel rested on the cave floor beneath them, carved out along an unnaturally perfect curve.

"Huh," Toon Link said as he rose to his feet, dusting off his charred black tunic, "Yeah, I can't take credit for this one. This was entirely random."

"Oh great. Where are we now? How did we-a get here?"

Dr. Mario would've whined more if he had the air to, but no matter how many breaths he took, he felt his oxygen reserves shriveling at an exponential rate. The two were being smothered by an artificial blue light, shedding as much warmth as the hug of a distant parent. A pulsing crystalline ooze radiated the light as it seeped from the cracks in the walls. This must've been the Phazon that Space Pirate was talking about. And now here it was, ready to engulf them both from every direction.

"No idea, but wherever we are," Toon replies, "there isn't a canyon rapidly approaching us from below or a Space Pirate violently molesting our ride with an absolute orchestra of Phazon powered weaponry. You gotta admit, our situation has improved."

"Even if it has, it-a doesn't feel like it. It-a still feels like we're-a staring down those grenades. Like I'm-a still in that moment - that I'm about to be blown to pieces - but-a my mind has been frozen, or-a drastically slowed, and I'm experiencing that-a brief second of fear stretched out indefinitely."

Dr. Mario pushed himself off of the ground and began to stumble backwards, with his vision trailing a few seconds behind his movement. Only when Toon placed a hand on the doctor's shoulder did the latter stabilize and allow his sight and his motion to resynchronize.

"Doc, Doc! Look, grappling with the existentially depressing nature of our creation is fun and all, but it doesn't usually seem to get us moving very far, right? Wouldn't it be nice to move as far away from this shithole as possible? How about we just repress this all for a second until we can describe our despair with some fresh oxygen. Or whatever this planet's atmosphere is made of."

"Right. You're-a right. Let's-a focus on getting out of here. But where exactly is-a 'here'? Do you recognize this-a place?"

The two scanned the scene, but it was a fruitless endeavor; the light radiating from the Phazon was nearly blinding, especially to the inflated orbs Toon called his eyes.

"Can't see much more than rock," Toon noted as he rubbed his eyes, "All this sickeningly neon light is blinding. It's like someone's peeing in my eyes, except this time it's blue."

"Well-a try investigating with your other senses."

Toon sat down and mulled over this advice for a second. He then leaned down and licked the floor beneath him, getting a brief taste of the salty ions laced within the minerals below before Dr. Mario stopped him.

"What are you doing!?" the doctor cried.

"Investigating. Hmm...I'm getting some notes of dolomite from this sediment."

As Dr. Mario grimaced down at his eccentric friend, he came to notice a rumbling sound quietly dripping through the walls. With a cupped hand to his ear, the doctor stepped around their cavernous habitat, following the noise. It soon became clear that the source of the sound was mechanical in nature; the sharp groans and pangs reverberating through the stone were unmistakable as metal. Dr. Mario eventually found the strongest point of the noise to be a tunnel bored straight through the wall, just wide enough for his portly form to squeeze through.

"Someone's been-a digging into this cave? Maybe this hole leads to a Phazon mine. If-a so, it can-a lead us to the surface! Toon, come over here-!"

Dr. Mario turned around with a smile gracing his face as he gave Toon the good news. As he swiveled around, however, he found Toon Link once again licking the floor.

"What the fuck are you doing!?" Dr. Mario cried.

"...Investigating."

"Haven't you investigated enough!?"

"My investigations have led to the discovery that my new favorite food is dolomite."

"Just-a get over here and start crawling through this-a hole."

Toon waddled over to the hole, though not before pocketing a shard of dolomite for later. He slid right in with Dr. Mario wiggling in tow.

"Because this is all-a we do right?" Dr. Mario continued, "Just-a crawl through vents, fight a monster, jump to a new planet, fight a Space Pirate, crawl through a tunnel, ad nauseum. Can't-a wait to see how much crawling we'll-a do on the next planet. My feet are-a still killing me from carrying you, so maybe we can chop them off since I'm-a not gonna...use them...phew."

Dr. Mario's rant forced him to drop down and try to catch his breath the best he could. Toon Link stayed behind and peered at the sorry doctor through his own splayed legs.

"You never know," Toon said, "maybe we'll be crawling on a nice planet next time."

"On-a what type of 'nice' planet do you have to crawl?"

"I dunno, a limbo planet, a Twister planet, a planet inhabited by really polite dwarves where the doors are all three feet tall. The universe is vast, man."

"And-a yet we end up here. Boiling sands, tight caves, and-a not a single approachable lifeform on-a the miserable rock."

"I think you're pretty approachable, if it means anything."

"You do?"

"No, not really. But I like ya anyways."

Doc and Toon kept squirming through the tunnel, rising to their feet when the tunnel widened enough for them to do so. Their eyes soon adjusted to the Phazon's light, and they began to make out what lied on the other side of the tunnel. Glass fixtures had been built into the stone walls, feeding thick cables through them to attach to heavy machinery. One piece of tech in particular - a massive drill pointed down the tunnel - stared Toon and the doctor down, warning them about where they chose to tread. Toon blissfully skipped towards the exit of the tunnel, but Dr. Mario held his hand out to keep his friend back.

"Someone-a made this hole. Let's-a tread carefully."

Toon nodded and pulled out his bow. With an arrow drawn in Toon's bow and a chemical capsule in Dr. Mario's hand, the two poked their heads out of the tunnel. Three of Tallon's reptilian Space Pirates were huddled around some sort of drilling machinery with their backs turned to the daring duo. Sneaking by wasn't an option as they blocked off the only door in the area. Toon didn't seem to mind, smirking as he aimed his bow.

"This is where the fun begins."

Toon released his arrow, lodging it deep into the neck of the most unfortunate Space Pirate. It screeched in pain as its cohorts jumped to the offensive. Volleys of plasma shots were lobbied at the two, but Toon Link pulled his shield out and blocked them all. This had cost him his drawstring hand, however; with it occupied, the wounded Space Pirate unsheathed a glowing sword of light and charged at the Hylian. Toon tried to guard with his shield, but the sword melted straight through it and carved a gash into Toon's cheek. Dr. Mario leapt in and smashed his capsule into the Pirate's head. The reptilian's eyes flickered as they melted out of their sockets, leaving the corpse blind as it collapsed onto the ground.

Before the body could even hit the floor, however, Dr. Mario was knocked down by another energy blast. The green shot paralyzed his muscles, leaving his flesh stiff and brittle. As he tried to back away from his attacker, his rigid skin split open, filling his nose with the scent of blood from the inside out. The Space Pirate tackled the doctor to the ground. Dr. Mario just barely held the beast back by its wrists, but the Pirate's snapping jaws only got closer and closer.

"Doc! I got ya!"

Toon whipped out his hookshot and shot it at Dr. Mario's aggressor, but the other Pirate leapt in the way and snatched the chain with its claws. It tugged Toon off balance and proceeded to pummel the poor boy with the talons on its feet. Now on his own, Dr. Mario glanced around to find an escape route. There was plenty of space to roll to either side, but he doubted he'd get very far before the Pirate above would scoop off his face like wet sand. The thick drool splattering down onto him made that clear to him. As he looked to his right, however, he saw hilt to the sword Toon just had to fend off. He'd have to let one of the Pirate's hands go free to grab it, but surely, he could do so quickly enough for it not to matter. Releasing the Pirate's bony wrist, Dr. Mario yoinked the blade off of the ground and drove it into the Space Pirate's jaw! But alas, this proved to do no more than gently disturb the creature; the actual blade itself had disappeared, leaving the hilt as nothing more than a blunt piece of steel. With its now free hand, the Pirate gripped the doctor's throat and clamped it shut, digging its claws in so as to tear out the flesh. Dr. Mario tried to force his lungs to sneak in some air, but with his already limited supplies running out, it wasn't long before his vision started to go blurry.

With a flick of Dr. Mario's wrist, the blade shot out like a beam of light and speared the Space Pirate through its head. It dropped down onto the doctor, pinning him to the floor beneath its scaly plated corpse. He retracted the blade and flung the hilt at Toon, who was still being battered by the last Pirate.

"Toon! Catch!"

Toon caught the sword and hacked off one of his attacker's feet. The Pirate toppled over, allowing Toon to pounce on it and press the hilt against its chest. Before the Pirate could prepare another plasma shot, Toon flicked the hilt and uttered his parting words through a steely grimace.

"Whoopsie doo, here comes the goo."

The blade sliced cleanly through the carapace of the Space Pirate, allowing the aforementioned goo to come spilling out of its thorax. A fountain of yellow blood and guts coated Toon's body; the Pirate's final clutch for life before its unholy figure collapsed to the ground. Toon rolled onto the floor, lying next to his friend as they both caught their breath.

"Here comes the goo. Really?" Dr. Mario asked as he shoved the corpse off of him.

"Look, dude, they're not all gonna be zingers. I still got him."

"I-a got two."

"Yeah, sure, if by 'I' you mean 'you' - 'you' of course referring to me."

"You only got that-a one guy."

"And not the guy with a fucking arrow kissing his trachea?"

"I-a finished him."

"He was gonna die anyway! You just sped up the process! It's the classic pickle jar argument. If I loosen the jar and then you pop the lid clean off, which one of us truly freed the gherkin?"

"Shut your mouth and-a take this," Dr. Mario said as he handed Toon a healing sprout, "Doctor's orders."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. You run one successful IV and you think you're Jesus healing the cripples."

As Toon Link stuck the healing sprout orb onto his cheek, Dr. Mario thought about his self performed operation. In all of the time that had passed since then, he had yet to feel any better for it. To the contrary, as his sore muscles healed from the Space Pirate blast, his senses could isolate a stabbing pain now accumulating deep in his chest. Dr. Mario rolled onto his side and pulled out Monita.

"I'm-a not sure that it was successful, Toon. Monita, where can we-a go to perform another IV?"

"PERFORMING AN UNNECESSARY ADDITIONAL INFUSION IS NOT RECOMMENDED; AN EXCESS OF INTRALIPID COULD LEAD TO LIPID OVERLOAD SYNDROME."

"But I-a still have cardiotoxicity!" Dr. Mario sat up straight, perhaps a bit too quickly for his aching chest.

"ARE YOU STILL EXPERIENCING TINNITUS?"

"Well...no."

"WHAT ABOUT FACIAL TINGLING, OR NUMBNESS AROUND THE MOUTH?"

"No, not-a really."

"YOU ARE REGISTERING AS HIGHLY ASYMPTOMATIC FOR CARDIOTOXICITY. THERE IS A STRONG PROBABILITY THAT THE INFUSION WAS COMPLETELY SUCCESSFUL."

"But what about this anxiety, then?"

"ANALYZING...REVIEWING MY CATALOGUE SINCE MY ACTIVATION, I HAVE FOUND SEVERAL EVENTS THAT COULD HAVE LED TO DAMAGE TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. YOUR ENCOUNTER WITH THE PARASITE QUEEN, THE CRITICAL FAILURE OF THE ORPHEON, AND HAVING TO PERFORM YOUR OWN INTRAVENOUS THERAPY WITHOUT ANY MEDICAL EXPERIENCE ARE ALL REASONABLE CAUSES FOR FEELINGS OF ANXIETY."

"Well-a how do we cure it?"

"ANXIETY IS AN EMOTION. EMOTIONS ARE NOT TYPICALLY 'CURED' AS MUCH AS THEY ARE 'PROCESSED'. IT IS POSSIBLE YOU HAVE AN UNDERLYING ANXIETY DISORDER THAT CAN BE TREATED, BUT I WOULD HAVE TO STUDY YOUR BEHAVIOR FOR AT LEAST SIX MONTHS BEFORE DETERMINING THE PROBABILITY."

Dr. Mario squeezed the tablet until his hands went numb. What a grain of salt in his wounds this was; all of the grief he'd survived for the past couple of hours, and now he was being told there was no answer? He wanted to raise his fist and pound against the rocky walls of his confines, but every twinge of resistance his heart pushed out only made his surroundings tighten their embrace.

"So I'm just stuck-a like this!? Until I can-a 'deal with it' or whatever!? It's-a getting worse by the second? I can barely-a breathe now, and I feel so weak. My-a chest has this splitting sensation digging between my bones; it's-a like I'm tearing myself part!"

"SHORTNESS OF BREATH, LIGHTHEADEDNESS, AND CHEST PAIN HAVE ALL BEEN RECOGNIZED AS NEW SYMPTOMS APART FROM YOUR ANXIETY. WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME TO PERFORM ANOTHER DIAGNOSIS WITH THIS LIST?"

"Sure, why not. I-a can't wait to see what's-a gonna give me a cardiac arrest this time."

"ANALYZING SYMPTOMS...HIGHLY PROBABLY MATCH FOUND: AIR EMBOLISM."

"Embolism?" Toon asked, "Is that bad? Internet reception wasn't great on the Orpheon, but any words I ever heard online ending with '-ism' weren't good."

"THIS IS GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS. AN AIR EMBOLISM IS A BUBBLE OF AIR LODGED WITHIN A BLOOD VESSEL OR HEART. THE BAD NEWS IS THAT THIS BUBBLE, IF PRESENT IN YOUR CARDIOVASCULAR SYSTEM, WOULD BE CURRENTLY BLOCKING YOUR BLOOD SUPPLY."

"What!?" Dr. Mario exclaimed, "How is there-a good news!?"

"THE GOOD NEWS IS, AS YOU HAD PREVIOUSLY EXPRESSED DESIRE TO HEAR, YOU ARE INDEED AT RISK OF CARDIAC ARREST."

"Toon, I'm-a gonna brick this thing, I swear to God."

"How did this happen?" Toon asked.

"MY CATALOGUE SUGGESTS THAT THE MOST PROBABLE CAUSE WAS THE INTRAVENOUS INFUSION YOU USED TO TREAT YOUR CARDIOTOXICITY. THE AIR LIKELY ENTERED YOUR VEINS THROUGH THE CATHETER."

"Hey, it was probably when we fell down into that pit! Your catheter snapped open."

"Of course. Of course it-a was the IV. I-a try to escape captivity, and I-a break my foot. I-a drug the pain away, and I overdose. I use an IV to cure the overdose, and I-a pump a bubble into my veins. What a doctor I am."

Dr. Mario sighed as he dropped back down onto the floor, sending another jolt of pain through his abdomen.

"Every doctor in training has to make a few mistakes. Monita, what do we do to fix this one?"

"THE BEST OPTION FOR REMOVING THE EMBOLISM WOULD BE USING HYPERBARIC OXYGEN THERAPY, BUT THE EQUIPMENT NECESSARY FOR THE PROCEDURE CANNOT BE FOUND ON TALLON IV."

"Well we can't exactly wait until we get off the planet. Can the healing sprout get rid of it?"

"THIS IS UNLIKELY. THE SAP PRODUCED BY THE HEALING SPROUT HAS ONLY BEEN OBSERVED REPAIRING PHYSICAL CELLULAR DAMAGE. THE SAP CONTAINS NATURAL SURPLUSES OF ATP, AND THUS MIGHT BE ABLE TO STAVE OFF OXYGEN DEPRIVATION VIA A SERIES OF DEEP BODY INJECTIONS; EVEN THEN, HOWEVER, THE EMBOLISM WOULD STILL REMAIN INTACT. WHILE SPEAKING OF WAYS TO MANAGE THE EMBOLISM, PLACING THE SUBJECT IN THE TRENDELENBURG POSITION SHOULD PREVENT THE EMBOLISM FROM ENTERING THE HEART AND MIGHT ALLOW BLOOD TO FLOW BENEATH THE BUBBLE."

"The what position?"

"THE TRENDELENBURG POSITION, WHERE THE BODY IS LAID FLAT ON THE BACK ON A 15-30 DEGREE INCLINE WITH THE FEET ELEVATED ABOVE THE HEAD."

An oddly specific pose, the both of them thought. For all of the machinery that was littered around the area, nothing seemed suitable for carrying a person flat, let alone at an angle. Everything was jagged and rusted, bent at far too many angles to count. A lot of it had been broken into small pieces too; only the drill pointed into the tunnel had endured the test of time and remained larger than Dr. Mario himself.

"Wait, that'll be perfect!" Toon decided.

"What?"

"That drill!"

"And it'll be perfect for-a what? Killing me?"

"No! Well, hypothetically, it would, but it'll also be good for laying you down! The drill bit is angled! We'll strap your head to the point and your feet to the base, it'll be perfect! Just gotta make sure to not turn it on."

"Can I offer some constructive criticism?"

"Sure."

"That's-a stupid."

"Describe a choice we've made over the course of the past few hours that you would consider smart."

Without hesitation, Dr. Mario rose from the ground and climbed atop the drilling machine. The grooves of the drill carved their way into his back, but he couldn't consider it that big of a downgrade from lying on the jagged stone floor.

"See?" Toon Link said through a smile, "Now we're that much closer to fixing you up. Next up, uh...how are you feeling?"

"My chest still-a hurts. My back still-a hurts. My soul still-a hurts. Agh, now my foot's-a starting to hurt."

"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting that your foot is still horribly maimed."

"I was forgetting that-a too until ten seconds ago."

"Then let's fix it! It's Dr. Toon time, baby!"

Dr. Toon Link, his wounds now fully healed, plucked the healing sprout off of his skin and reached over to remove Dr. Mario's shoe. It soon became apparent, however, that Dr. Mario had no shoes; his spandex suit stretched down and concealed his feet entirely.

"Hey Doc, would you mind taking off the get up? I need skin contact."

"I can-a try. I hope I've got clothes on underneath all-a this."

Dr. Mario pulled off his lab coat and ran his hands over the suit in search of anything resembling a zipper or a button. There were plenty of knobs and nodes that looked as though they could serve a similar purpose, but all of them proved to do anything but; one dropped the fabric's temperature to an icy chill, one caused a puff of lavender smelling air freshener to release from ports on his shoulders, and one tightened the suit in all of the most unfortunate places.

"Well, this is riveting and all," Toon said, "but at this rate, we're better off waiting for that bubble to pop then we are waiting for you to get naked. I propose that we accelerate the process."

"By all-a means, what do you suggest?"

Toon raised his sword and flicked out the blade.

"Toon."

"Hear me out, hear me out."

"Toon, stop."

"I'm just gonna cut off the spandex on the bottom of your feet."

"Fanculo, what if you cut off my foot!?"

"We can fix that."

"We-a can't fix that!"

"WE CAN FIX THAT."

"Che cazzo!"

Dr. Mario clasped a hand over his eyes as Toon swung the blade and sliced the suit open. In spite of the doctor's protest, however, Toon's swing hadn't removed a cell of the former's skin. With the doctor's foot now bare, Toon slapped on the sprout, tickling Dr. Mario's sensitive sole.

"See, Doc? Nothing to fear. Swordsmanship is in my blood. Probably accompanied by tetanus with all of the broken metal we've been stepping over."

"Well-a next time, give me more time to brace myself. I'd-a like to have a calm mind when you end up hacking off my-a foot."

"Oh boo hoo, pussy boy. We could have probably just stuck the fucking thing back on with this plant goo if we had to."

What Toon had intended to be a passing dismissal instead clung to his train of thought. Even though he had even less medical expertise than his friend, Toon suddenly had an idea to remedy the doctor's affliction. It would probably be a little...controversial, but it was worth entertaining.

"Hey, uh, Monita," Toon asked, "could we really have just slapped his foot back on? Hypothetically?"

"WITH ENOUGH SAP FROM A HEALING SPROUT, COMPLETE REATTACHMENT OF A SEVERED LIMB IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE."

"Okay...anyway, is there any way for us to find out where exactly that embolism is?"

"THE BEST OPTION FOR LOCATING THE EMBOLISM WOULD BE WITH THE USE OF A DOPPLER ULTRASOUND. MOST INFIRMARIES ON TALLON IV ARE EQUIPPED WITH A WIRELESS DOPPLER ULTRASOUND PROBE."

"And where's the nearest infirmary?"

"INDETERMINABLE. I DO NOT KNOW WHERE WE ARE."

"Now you know how we've been feeling."

"OUR RECEPTION IS VERY POOR IN OUR CURRENT LOCATION; WE ARE LIKELY CLOSE TO THE BOTTOM OF A PHAZON MINE. HOWEVER, SHOULD YOU PLUG ME INTO ONE OF THE MANY TERMINALS LOCATED IN THESE MINES, I WOULD THEN BE ABLE TO FIND OUR LOCATION WITHOUT NEEDING A NETWORK CONNECTION."

"Got it. Doc, let me see Monita for a bit. I'm gonna go find one of those terminals."

"What's-a the plan?" Dr. Mario asked as he passed the tablet over to his bite-sized buddy.

"We'll go over that when I get back, okay? Just hang tight and loosen up while I'm gone."

"But what if someone-a comes?"

"I dunno, kill 'em, I guess. You took out that giant cockroach looking motherfucker, you can handle some more bug boys." Toon Link activated his beam sword and twirled it around like a baton. "Besides, the only way in or out of this place is through that door. You really think anyone's getting past Toon Link and a lightsaber in one piece?"

While his nerves remained just as tense as ever, Dr. Mario smiled at Toon's plucky confidence before lying back down. Toon put away his beam sword, and sauntered out the door.

All of the mine shafts that followed looked identical to the first. Metal tubes were strewn inconveniently across the floor, and tooth marks had been thoroughly engraved in the stone walls. Toon Link concluded that Tallon IV's breed of reptilian brained Space Pirates must've been responsible for construction this deep in the mines. He'd never built a tunnel, though, so he decided he didn't have much room to judge.

"So what exactly does this terminal look like?" Toon asked his computerized companion.

Monita displayed a picture of one of the terminals; a short metal pike built into what appeared to be a stalagmite. It stood in the center of a giant empty chamber, but Toon's eyes were drawn to some stray aliens captured by the fringes of the image. They were gelatinous blobs, with no eyes or hands to speak of; only a few fangs poking out from beneath their squishy body.

"Woah, woah, what are those things in the air?"

"THOSE ARE A TALLON IV VARIETY OF METROIDS, PARASITIC LIFEFORMS ORIGINATING FROM SR-388. MANY OF THEM HAVE POPULATED THESE CAVERNS."

"And are they gonna...kill me or something?"

"STANDARD SPACE PIRATE EQUIPMENT IS COATED IN A SYNTHESIZED METROID DETERRENT. AS LONG AS IT HASN'T BEEN PARTICULARLY AGITATED, ANY METROID THAT YOU ENCOUNTER SHOULD AVOID YOU."

"But I'm not a Space Pirate."

Monita's display went blank, and her speakers fell silent. Toon shook the machine to provoke a response, but got nothing.

"You mad at me, Momo? Was it something I said?"

"I AM CURRENTLY REVIEWING MY PROTOCOLS. I WAS CREATED FOR THE EXCLUSIVE PURPOSE OF ASSISTING SPACE PIRATE PERSONNEL."

"I'm _kinda_ Space Pirate Personnel. I was born on the Orpheon, after all. Why would they put me on their spaceship if they didn't want me looking at their stuff?"

"ANY NEGLIGENCE ON BEHALF OF THE ORPHEON'S CREW DOES NOT ACT AS SUFFICIENT VERIFICATION FOR YOUR STATUS AS SPACE PIRATE PERSONNEL."

"But you owe us! If it weren't for us, you would've blown up on the Orpheon!"

"MY DEBT TO YOU DOES NOT ACT AS SUFFICIENT VERIFICATION FOR YOUR STATUS AS SPACE PIRATE PERSONNEL."

"Aha! So you admit you owe us!"

"MY DEBT TO YOU - ASSUMING THAT IT EXISTS - DOES NOT-"

"Yeah, yeah, sufficient verification." Toon Link huffed and rolled his eyes. "If it really matters that much, you should've said something when we found you."

"...VERY WELL. BASED ON BOTH MY OWN PROTOCOLS AND YOUR MOST RECENT OBSERVATION, I WILL CONTINUE TO OPERATE WITHIN MY PREVIOUS PARAMETERS."

"Wait, that worked? I was just trying to be petty."

"YOU SUCCEEDED IN THAT DEPARTMENT AS WELL."

Eventually, the shaft led into the center of a massive auditorium that had been dug into the cave itself. A rickety metal bridge branched out of the shaft's exit, swaying over the Phazon network occupying the bottom of the pit. Most of the bridge's support relied on a stone spike shooting out from the pit's floor and spearing the bridge through the middle, and at the top of this spike was none other than a terminal. Toon would've wasted no time in strapping Monita in if it weren't for the bundle of Metroids that had roosted by the terminal's base. Even with their lack of eyes, the Metroids clearly had their interest piqued by the Hylian's presence. Before Toon had even stepped onto the bridge, the Metroids all sprung into the air, their internal organs blinking hypnotically. The largest Metroid of the bunch let out a strained hiss as it started to float in Toon's direction.

"Monita, do you have a video camera built into you?"

"AFFIRMATIVE. WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME TO RECORD SOMETHING?"

"Yeah, I want proof when I tell Doc Mario about all the gang shit I'm about to do."

Toon whipped out his beam sword and held it out before him. The sword's crackling electricity made his hairs stand on end, and yet it struggled to match the energy bubbling inside of Toon himself. The Hylian was determined to do more than just win; he'd cut down the Metroids before they could give him a single scratch. But when the Metroid got just within the blade's reach, the parasite paused in the air in silent observation. Without an initial transgression, Toon suddenly felt far less determination in delivering a fatal blow, so he waited for the Metroid to make the first move. The first move never came. Instead, the Metroid turned around and hovered back to its resting place by the terminal, joined by its alien brothers.

"...Are they gonna attack me or what?" Toon asked as he sheathed his sword.

"LIKELY NOT, IT SEEMS. METROIDS POSSESS A CERTAIN DEGREE OF INTELLIGENCE; IT IS POSSIBLE THAT THESE METROIDS HAVE ESTIMATED YOUR NUTRIENT DENSITY AND DETERMINED YOUR LIFE ENERGY TO NOT BE WORTH THE TROUBLE."

"What's wrong with my nutrient density!?"

"BASED ON WHAT I HAVE SEEN OF YOU IN THE RECORDING I JUST CAPTURED, I WOULD ASSUME THE PROBLEM IS MOST LIKELY YOUR STUNTED GROWTH."

"Stunted growth!? I'm like 5'11"! Roughly."

Toon Link slunk around the resting Metroids, avoiding their wrath as he plugged Monita into the terminal. And yet with the conflict resolved peacefully, Toon's response was to droop his shoulders and sigh.

"So much for the gang shit. I was really hyped to kill these things."

"IF IT WOULD BE PREFERABLE, YOU STILL COULD."

"I mean sure, I could, but it wouldn't be right to strike down these creatures if they don't attack me first. Would it? They are parasites though. Monita, can you calculate how much moral integrity I would lose if I took out these little bean bags?"

"SUCH CALCULATIONS ARE NOT WITHIN MY FUNCTIONAL CAPACITY. IF IT MEANS ANYTHING, HOWEVER, ANY SPACE PIRATE ON TALLON IV'S NETWORK CAN VIEW BOTH THE CURRENT LOCATIONS OF ALL OTHER SPACE PIRATES AND WHICH TERMINALS ARE CURRENTLY BEING USED. WHEN THE OTHERS REALIZE THAT NO SPACE PIRATES WERE IN THIS ROOM WHEN THE TERMINAL WAS ACTIVATED, YOU COULD POTENTIALLY HAVE A VAST QUANTITY OF TARGETS TO KILL WITHOUT LOSING ANY MORAL INTEGRITY."

"Ahaha, oh Momo, you've finally found a sense of humor! Hahaha, hahahaha...hahaha...ha."

"..."

"...Fuck."

Pylons situated around the crater flickered to life with a dull yellow light, reminiscent of distant stars. The lights seemed to roll around the room, all eventually settling on the end of the bridge Toon had yet to explore. The door at the end whirred as Monita prodded its inner circuitry. Toon, in response, straightened his stance and raised his sword.

"I'M OPENING THE DOOR NOW. THE INFIRMARY WILL BE TO YOUR LEFT SHORTLY AFTER PASSING THROUGH; ALL YOU'LL NEED FOR THE ULTRASOUND IS A HANDHELD TRANSDUCER AND A CONTAINER OF ULTRASOUND GEL."

"Roger that. Crack open that door, Monita - I'm ready for anything."

The door slid open, screeching as it peeled back to reveal its contents. A wave of sand poured out, dumping out onto the bridge and trickling into the pit beneath them. Even after a few hundred pounds of sand rolled out, Toon still couldn't see through to the other side.

"Yeah, in retrospect, I guess saying you're 'ready for anything' kinda sets you up for failure."

Toon ran up to the sand pile and scooped himself a handful of silica. With a hearty crunch, he shoved the whole handful into his tiny maw.

"Mmm...hmm...yeah, no, definitely no dolomite in this batch. Monita, how did all this sand get in here? Are we close to the surface?"

"WE ARE APPROXIMATELY 3.67 KILOMETERS FROM TALLON IV'S SURFACE. HOWEVER, WHILE CONNECTED TO THE TERMINAL, I FOUND AN ALERT THAT WAS SENT ACROSS TALLON IV A FEW MINUTES AGO. SUBJECT 1-S-0 SURVIVED THE CRITICAL FAILURE OF THE ORPHEON AND IS NOW TRAVELLING UNCONTAINED SOMEWHERE ON TALLON IV. MASS EXCAVATION AND TELEPORTATION OF SURROUNDING TERRAIN, WHICH COULD EXPLAIN THE PRESENCE OF SAND THIS DEEP IN THE MINES, IS TYPICAL BEHAVIOR OF SUBJECT 1-S-0."

"Teleportation? That would explain how Doc and I ended up down here. But who is Subject 1-S-0?"

"THAT INFORMATION IS CURRENTLY CLASSIFIED. IT WILL REQUIRE CLASS 2 AUTHORITY OR HIGHER TO CLEAR."

"C'mon, Momo, you gotta give me something!"

"I CAN SAY THAT THE USER IDENTIFIED AS 'DOC MARIO' ASKED ABOUT SUBJECT 1-S-0 ON THE ORPHEON AFTER YOU WERE RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS."

"Oh yeah, I remember that! I tapped that glass tanker and then whatever was in there knocked me out. And it uh...it was this guy that was in the tanker, wasn't it?"

"CORRECT."

"And he probably doesn't like us too much since I tapped the glass and Doc shattered the tanker."

"THE PROBABILITY IS HIGH."

"So now we got a mercenary, an elite pirate, and a telekinetic clone out for us on this planet. This oughta be interesting. Let's just get that ultrasound and get back to Doc."

Toon dug his hand back into the sand, probing for air on the other side. Even with his arm shoulder deep, however, the sand just kept on coming.

"Is the only way to get to the infirmary by digging through this dirt?"

"YOU COULD TRY TO DIG THROUGH THE STONE INSTEAD."

"Never change, Monita. Never change."

* * *

Dr. Mario, slowly dying like he usually was, twiddled his thumbs as he awaited Toon's return. He'd tried counting the cracks in the roof to pass the time, but this proved futile once the room started to spin. Whether it was a result of the blood pooling in his head or the bubble in his vein was ultimately irrelevant. That's what he told himself at least, hoping it'd keep him from thinking about it. Whether or not the thought was on his mind, however, his body knew it to be true. His flesh shook harder with every passing second, leaving him trembling at any trivial sound that happened to echo throughout the cave. The sound of footsteps scurrying towards him particularly brought his heartbeat to a grinding halt. Only when he saw Toon Link return through the door could Dr. Mario calm himself down from the brink of a heart attack.

"Hey hey hey! Ready to find an embolism?" Toon asked as he waved around a chunky remote. Dr. Mario nodded as he clutched a hand over his heart.

"Ready as I'll ever be."

"Monita, how do we use this thing?"

"WE MUST FIRST CONFIRM THAT THE SUBJECT IS PREPARED FOR THE PROCEDURE. HAS THE SUBJECT CONSUMED A NICOTINE PRODUCT WITHIN THE PAST TWO HOURS?"

"Unfortunately not," Dr. Mario grumbled.

"WE SHOULD BE OKAY TO PROCEED. HAVE THE SUBJECT REMOVE ALL CLOTHING ON THE AREA TO BE TESTED."

Toon Link took out his beam sword and prepared to ignite it. Dr. Mario pushed Toon's hand away, however, as he opened up his spandex suit to reveal his upper arms.

"I-a figured out how to open it while you were gone."

"You better learn to trust me with this thing quick, Doc, or you're not gonna like my plan. What next, Monita?"

The technological assistant guided the two through the rest of the ultrasound. After a thorough application of the ultrasound gel and half an hour of rubbing the transducer against Dr. Mario's pudgy flesh, Monita was able to pinpoint the embolism in the midpoint of the doctor's upper arm.

"Well, there it is, I suppose," Dr. Mario said, "So, Toon, what's-a the plan now?"

Toon said nothing as he pocketed the transducer. Dr. Mario watched Toon's eyes as Toon studied him; the Hylian's gaze was unbroken yet sympathetic, as if he were watching a dying pet get laid to rest.

"Toon?" Dr. Mario asked, his heart rate picking up again, "There is a plan, right?"

"Yeah," Toon replied, "but I wanna go over it with you. I don't want you to be caught off guard like when I opened your suit earlier."

"What is there to be caught off-a guard by?"

"Well, I feel like you're not gonna like my plan."

"That was a given, but it can't be-a that bad, right?"

Toon pulled out the beam sword and popped out its electrifying blade.

"I'm gonna cut off your arm."

Dr. Mario went silent for a moment. His skin descended to a ghostly shade of white, and coated itself in a sheen of sweat. Toon, not entirely surprised, prepared himself to explain his plan to the doctor. To his surprise, however, the doctor extended his arm towards Toon's waiting blade.

"Be quick about it," Dr. Mario said.

"You mean it?" Toon asked. "That easily?"

"Well, I obviously don't-a want to do this. But I don't have any other ideas. Besides, if anyone had to do this, I'd-a want it to be you."

Toon stared at his friend through glistening eyes. The doctor returned his gaze, confirming his words with a wavering smile.

"Thanks for trusting me, Doc. I promise I got you. It'll be quick. Just, uh...try to keep your chin up, y'know?"

If only either of them did have their chin up. If they had, they might have been able to roll out of the way as the roof caved in above them. Rocks and Phazon peppered the two, sending the doctor to the floor and nearly burying Toon. Standing over them atop the debris was none other than the pursuant who had chased them into these mines; Upsilon, the Omega Pirate.

"BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER! OMEGA PIRATE IN THE HOUSE, BITCH!"

A quick glance made it clear that his body hadn't taken a liking to his new Phazon enhancements. Even compared to your run of the mill Space Pirate, Upsilon's anatomy had been severely distorted. Blue growths had begun to form around his joints. The abscesses had a crystalline luster to them, and yet they stretched and festered as if ready to burst with their radioactive puss. His arms had bloated and then hardened; while they looked difficult to maneuver, they were surely perfect for tearing through bodies. His face had received the worst of it, undoubtedly. Upsilon's lower jaw was slowly splitting in two, and yet as the two halves squirmed against every word he spoke, he hardly seemed to notice.

Upsilon stomped on Toon's head with his scaly foot and raised his arm blade into the air for a devastating blow. Dr. Mario, after scrambling to throw on his coat, attempted to subdue the pirate by hurling some capsules at him, but Upsilon simply swatted them away and fired a grenade in return. Dr. Mario rolled to the side, just missing direct contact with the bomb, but the ensuing explosion still scorched the left side of his body and threw him into a wall. It was a brief distraction, but it bought enough time for Toon to pull out his hookshot and latch it onto a piece of mining equipment. He pulled himself out from beneath Upsilon's foot; not without taking a gash from the latter's talon to the back of the neck, however.

"Doc!" Toon called, clutching his wound as he scurried to the door leading to the terminal, "Over here!"

Dr. Mario pushed himself up to his feet and tried to stumble past Upsilon towards the door. With every step he took, however, Upsilon managed to lurch forward and cut off his path. Soon, another grenade was fired. The doctor dodged again, and was still seared all the same. Even if it weren't for his accumulating burns, in this discombobulated state, he could only prance around Upsilon's attacks for so long. Toon realized this as he watched the doctor fumbling around, trying to apply some more healing sprout in the midst of the Space Pirate's fury. Without a moment's hesitation, Toon shot his Hookshot at the doctor, missing his side by a few inches. Instinctively, Dr. Mario grabbed the chain, and Toon whipped his companion over to the exit before Upsilon could retaliate. The two then bolted down the shaft, with the Space Pirate so hot in pursuit, his sulfuric breath moistened the backs of their necks.

"How did he-a find us!?" Dr. Mario asked.

"It was the terminal!" Toon replied, "We had to tap into one to find the transducer, and Monita says the Space Pirates are constantly monitoring them. That asshole must have seen it and chased us down here!"

"So-a what now? Anywhere down this-a shaft for us to run?"

"No dice, Doc. We're gonna hit a door packed with sand. That's mostly what took me so long; I was digging through that sand, and I barely managed to dig a hole big enough for me to crawl through. We won't even be able to scrape through an inch of that before we get bum-rushed."

"Well if we can't run away from-a him, all we can-a do is get him to run away from us. Maybe we could-a scare him?"

"That guy's gotta be overdosed on Phazon right now. There's no scaring a man on a drug induced rampage, Doc."

"OVERDOSING ON PHAZON," Monita explained, "IS A POSSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR YOUR ASSAILANT'S ERRATIC BEHAVIOR. PHAZON MADNESS, AS IT IS COMMONLY KNOWN, TYPICALLY BEGINS AFTER EXPOSURE TO AROUND 600 GRAMS OF BLUE PHAZON."

"TRY 6000 GRAMS, BITCH!" Upsilon roared, "I FEEL LIKE FUCKING SUPERMAN RIGHT NOW!"

"Monita!" Toon covered his mouth, agape in shock. "Did you just say bitch?"

"That was-a the Space Pirate."

"Ah, sorry. They both speak in capital letters. Kinda hard to distinguish."

And then, there it was. The newest stroke of genius. Toon turned to his exasperated friend and pogged at his own idea.

"That's it!" he cheered, "Monita, you can save us!"

"MATHEMATICALLY," Monita replied, "I CANNOT CONFIRM THAT STATEMENT AT THIS TIME."

"We gotta make sure he doesn't hear us." Toon pulled the tablet close and whispered his plan. Dr. Mario tried to listen in, but Toon's gentle voice suffocated beneath the guttural howling of the Space Pirate right on their tail.

"What's-a the game plan, Toon?"

"No time to explain, we're almost at the terminal! Pick up your pace, Doc. We need a good 20 feet of distance between us and the Pirate."

Against all odds, Dr. Mario forced his legs to propel him further ahead, giving Toon's scurrying pace a run for its money. Just as Upsilon disappeared behind a corner, the duo burst into the terminal's chamber and stumbled onto the rickety bridge before it. No sooner had Toon slapped Monita back into the terminal had he wrapped his arms around the doctor and flung the both of them off of the side of the bridge. The depths of the pit reached out to the two with tiny tendrils of Phazon, but Toon and his hookshot held them back from a quick demise. As Upsilon stomped in after them, Toon clamped a hand over Dr. Mario's fuzzy lips.

"Shh," Toon whispered. Dr. Mario nodded, and they swung silently from beneath Upsilon's increasingly radiating toes. The Space Pirate tried firing some grenades at the walls to scare out his targets, but when his tactic failed, he returned to bellowing as loudly as his Phazon scarred vocal tissue could manage.

"ONE FUCKER! TWO FUCKERS! THREE FUCKERS! FOUR! HOW MANY FUCKERS AM I ABOUT TO GORE!? I KNOOOOOOW YOU'RE HIDING!"

Upsilon's threats, while unsettling, were nothing that couldn't be endured. That was until something elastic brushed against Dr. Mario's back. Toon Link poked his head out from behind the doctor's shoulder and, to his horror, saw one of those Metroids investigating the doctor's presence. While Toon Link may have been too bite-sized for the parasites to bother with him, Dr. Mario's supple flesh had to be wildly "nutrient dense" as Monita had put it. Plus, who doesn't like Italian food? Dr. Mario, upon following Toon's gaze to the alien floating behind him, tried his best to kick the critter away without making too much noise. Even still, the Hookshot clanked with every jostle the two made. It was nigh miraculous that Upsilon couldn't hear it over his own screaming.

"WHERE ARE YOU!? WHERE ARE YOU!?"

Erratic as it may have been, Upsilon's "search" was bringing him closer along the bridge to where the Hookshot had latched. Dr. Mario glanced back at Toon, hoping for some sort of affirmation of their ongoing plan. Toon Link only nodded back. Well, his expression looked hopeful, at the least. That hope persevered, even as Upsilon's increasingly radiated stare fell closer and closer to the bridge beneath him. Just then, Monita let out a shrill beep from her stand on the Terminal. Upsilon glanced over at the tablet and then finally turned to the pit beckoning below.

"THERE YOU ARE!"

Without warning, Upsilon leapt over the side of the bridge. Dr. Mario closed his eyes as he prepared for a gruesome end, and yet nothing came. Instead, Upsilon dropped to the bottom of the crater and started smashing up the Phazon laced rock beneath him. He kept digging and digging until he was out of sight. With the Pirate gone, Toon released the doctor's mouth and took out his sword. Before the Metroid could sink its fangs into Dr. Mario's flesh, Toon sliced the parasite in half.

"Where's-a the Pirate going?" Dr. Mario asked.

"Another terminal," Toon explained, "I had Monita look for one with no Pirates nearby and activate it remotely. Since Upsilon got alerted to it and couldn't see us in this room, it made it look like we were down there instead of up here."

"Of course! You're a thinker as always."

"Not really. He wouldn't keep falling for shit like this if he could just use his head."

"IN HIS CURRENT STATE," Monita interjected from up above, "THAT MIGHT NOT ACTUALLY BE POSSIBLE FOR HIM. AS PHAZON MADNESS PROGRESSES, THE SUBJECT'S CRITICAL REASONING SKILLS CONTINUOUSLY DETERIORATE."

"Hey, Phazon or not, that guy's critical reasoning is nothing compared to mine! My mind has never been clearer, nor my heart more resolute. Now let's get out of here so I can eat some more dirt!"

Were it so easy. But as Dr. Mario and Toon began to shimmy up the Hookshot's chain, the very pit below them began to shake. As Upsilon continued to burrow into its stone foundation, the cave dwellings buckled, shattering at all of its key structural points. Dr. Mario and Toon looked up and watched as the metal joints holding together the bridge began to snap one by one. They both did their best to scuttle up the chain and break it for the door, but before they could even place a hand on the side of the bridge, the very stone it had been built into fell out of the wall. Dr. Mario and Toon both could do naught but scream as they descended to the bottom of the pit, and were swallowed whole by the gorge growing ever larger at its base.

Toon only managed to keep the two of them from splattering into pieces on the ground below by firing his Hookshot once again, this time into the wall flying past them. Even this only managed to slow their descent; once their collective weight drew the chain out to its maximum length, the downward force ripped the hook out of the crumbling wall cleaner than a toothpick out of a freshly baked confectionary. They started to fall down into the gorge once again, though with how little space was left between them and the bottom, they both managed to hit the ground and remain in one piece. They were lucky to be sure, but luck can be hard to appreciate after every bone in your body has been reduced to a fine powder.

"Ah, fuck, my skeleton," Toon Link groaned, "Doc, you gotta juice me up, man, hit me up with some plant goo."

Dr. Mario reached into his coat with his broken noodle fingers and grabbed a healing sprout for his friend. The moment Toon placed a hand on it, though, it shriveled into nothingness. At the least, his palm was now softer than cotton.

"Damn. Used up. Hey Doc, how many of those little shits we got left?"

"Uhh..." Dr. Mario said as he looked through his coat pockets, "...four!? How-a many have we gone through in just the past hour or-a so!? We must have-a gone through half of our supply!"

"Hey, hey, it's all good! We can manage, right? We'll just, uh...use them less."

"Use-a them less?"

"Yeah! We don't need to keep healing ourselves all the way, right? We just need to be able to move around. Let go of that thing right when you feel your bones are back in one piece. Back in one piece individually, of course. Don't want all your bones fusing together into one piece. You think that could happen? We could touch one of these things and all of a sudden we're stuck with one bone? Like a bunch of muscles all strung on a coat rack?"

"Toon, I-a really don't need to be thinking about this right-a now."

Dr. Mario took out a fresh healing sprout and allowed its vitality to flow into him. As his bent limbs snapped back into place, he tested his strength by attempting to sit up off the floor. Only when he could do so without seeing stars did he drop the sprout and roll it over to Toon, who followed suit. Every muscle they had stung from both their wounds and the natural acids of their bodies, but sure enough, they could walk.

"Where's-a Monita? Navigating these mines will be-a hopeless without her."

"Probably somewhere in that mess." Toon pointed over at the terminal, which had snapped off of its pike and landed on its head beside them. "Tell you what, no one's gonna be tracking us through that thing anymore."

Toon waddled up to the wreckage and fished around for the tablet. Miraculously, Monita had endured the trip down without much beyond some smudging on her screen.

"How're you feeling, Monita?" Toon asked.

"AS A VIRTUAL ASSISTANT, I AM INCAPABLE OF "FEELING" ANYTHING ABOUT OUR CIRCUMSTANCES. HOWEVER, THERE IS PROBABLY A LIFEFORM CAPABLE OF FEELING SOMEWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE WHO WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF MY DISPLAY WERE TO BE CLEANED."

"Yeah, sure, okay. Who taught you how to be that coy, Momo?" The nature of Toon's question - along with its most likely answer - quickly dawned on him. "You know what, actually, don't answer that."

Just then, a tremor rumbled through the pit. Stalactites crashed down onto the floor, and the ground shook so violently, Dr. Mario and Toon could hardly stay standing on two feet. They turned and found the source of the tremor; a haphazardly bored tunnel leading into the side of the wall.

"That must have been Upsilon."

"Think there's a chance that the Hookshot can-a get us back up that-a chasm?"

"No dice. The stone's too loose along the walls. The hook'll just pop out the second we pull on it."

"Then I-a suppose we can only go forward."

"I'd suppose you'd be right."

"I'd-a suppose there's a trend."

So Dr. Mario and Toon Link, armed with capsule and sword respectively, creeped down Upsilon's tunnel, their footsteps nigh perfectly synchronized.

The tunnel ended in a laboratory built into the caves, equipped with its own terminal and spacious enough to fit hundreds of small children. The room only had one exit - barring the exit Upsilon had inadvertently made himself - and it was blocked off by a steel door. Nearly half of the lab's space was consumed by a giant metal pod, which nearly scraped the craggy ceiling above. Its front was mostly glass, revealing the tank's only inhabitant; Upsilon himself. Upsilon was stuck hesitating beside a keypad on the inside of the pod, his legs visibly wobbling beneath the weight of his own deformed body. His spastic hands bobbed back and forth, drawing closer and closer to the keypad, but never making contact. For just a moment in the midst of this mindless dance, Dr. Mario swore he could see a glimmer of Upsilon's self-absorbed spirit flickering in his own vacant eyes. What did this feel like for a man who valued his honor so much? To watch himself writhe and squirm, reduced to such a primal being? But it was just a moment, after all. Then, the flicker was gone, and Upsilon slammed the keypad, gurgling some sort of nonsense all the while.

"AEUGH...URGH...MUST EVOLVE...MUST BECOME...OMEGA!"

Just then, several copper-laced bulbs on the side of the tanker violently illuminated, forcing Dr. Mario and Toon to turn away. Upsilon began to spasm and scream wildly; whether it was a volatile physical reaction or just the worsening of his mental state was unclear. Suddenly, his entire muscular system burst out from his skin. As horrific as that would be in its own right, it was hard to miss just how much flesh poured out of the poor Pirate. So much blood and tissue flooded out of his rapidly deflating form, it began to slosh against the walls of the tanker. And yet in the midst of such intense gore, a close eye would notice that his muscles and organs were still being held together, if only barely. Threads of Phazon ran throughout the mess that had been expelled from Upsilon's body. Once the flesh had finished swelling, the threads got to work tugging his muscles back into a solid shape. As each muscle was dragged back into place, Phazon oozed out from between his tissue fibers and solidified into plates, like it were a sort of armor. Slowly, his body reforged it's own carapace, albeit grossly deformed and at vastly increased proportions to fit his bloated innards. By the time Upsilon's exoskeleton was finished reforming, he'd grown large enough to brush his head against the top of the tanker. Dr. Mario barely rose to the Pirate's knees. Finally, Upsilon had become the Omega Pirate. He likely would've been thrilled about it had he retained enough of his senses for it.

In one swing, the Omega Pirate knocked down the glass door and barreled forward at the duo. Dr. Mario and Toon Link both rolled out of the way, but the Omega Pirate's massive body hit the ground with so much force, they were still pushed aside by the subsequent shockwave.

"Try and grab this guy's attention," Toon said as he hopped back up to his feet, "I'll chop his feet clean off."

Dr. Mario tried to bring himself up as well, but the intensity of his ever growing vertigo made it about as easy as riding a pogo on a trapeze. Even the Omega Pirate made it up before the doctor. His two shoulder cannons ripped out from beneath his clavicles - now leaving them dislocated and dripping with blood - and trained on Toon's position. Dr. Mario could hardly keep his own focus steady;

Still, the doctor made an attempt, picking a capsule out of his lab coat and flinging it at the Pirate's malformed head. After the capsule burst into a little cloud of dust, however, the Omega Pirate reacted with no more than a growl and a passing glance before looking back down at Toon. Thankfully, that brief distraction bought enough time for Toon to advance on the Pirate's foot.

"Timber!"

Toon swung his sword and cut straight into the armor around the Omega Pirate's ankle. Toon smiled, but only for a moment, for the blade only made it an inch into the Pirate's flesh before coming to a halt. Even as the wound seeped with blood and Phazon, it seemed not to hinder the Pirate's mobility as he bent down and backhanded the Hylian. Half of the bones in Toon's face were popped out of place. The other half were shattered entirely. Either way, Toon flew back, dropping his sword where he once stood.

"Damn, no good," Dr. Mario said to himself, "One of-a these melted through a Space Pirate earlier. Maybe more of them will-a do the same. It's-a just a matter of figuring out which ones are-a which."

As the Omega Pirate lumbered towards the limp Toon Link, Dr. Mario threw upon his coat and tried sorting through all of his possessions. He didn't get very far in his scientific process, however, before the pain in his head knocked him off track. It quickly became clear that he wouldn't be able to focus on the o situation at hand with the embolism still wreaking havoc in his body. Dr. Mario pulling himself together would be the only hope Toon Link had, but as his vision continued to blur, that didn't seem incredibly likely.

That was until his eyes suddenly locked on Toon's beam sword. It had landed awfully close to the doctor's feet, still armed and ready for use. Piecing together what had to be done was a pretty quick process. It was accepting it that kept Dr. Mario from grabbing the sword for so long. Even when he did place his hand on the hilt, he still hadn't completely agreed to his own plan. Allowing Toon Link to dismember him was one thing, but doing it himself? It was unthinkable, and yet, he was already lining up the blade with the middle of his upper arm. That was were Monita said the embolism was, right? He could hardly remember, just as he couldn't remember where he was or what he was doing. Straight thought was impossible with the prospect of losing a limb hanging over him. He felt as though his very soul had been sucked out of his being, replaced only by a looming curtain of dread. Regardless, Dr. Mario gritted his teeth and braced himself for what was to come.

With one swing of the blade, countless tissues in Dr. Mario's arm - muscle tissue and bone tissue alike - were snipped in half. The doctor could feel every single one. His humerus surged with a burning feeling, as if acid had been injected directly into the marrow. His vision went white, and he couldn't hear anything over the sound of his own screaming. The thought that pain like this existed in the world would've terrified Dr. Mario if he was still able to think. His mental faculties were quickly shutting down; every feeling he was registering, from the disorienting weightlessness of his arm to the stench of his flesh being burnt by the beam sword, encouraged his nausea much more than they did his consciousness. Most men would've passed out right then and there, and in many ways, Dr. Mario was like most men. But would most men punch themselves in their own bleeding stub just to keep themselves conscious? Who could tell, really.

The agitation of his open wound hurt nearly as much as its creation. As skin-curlingly unpleasant as the pain was, however, it did succeed in keeping him awake long enough to slather his severed arm with healing sprout goo and then slap it onto his nub. A few uneasy seconds passed without any sensations coursing through the newly attached limb. Once the doctor managed to curl his pointer finger, however, he slunk back and allowed his nerves to ease themselves.

Then the Omega Pirate roared again, reminding Dr. Mario that there was still a giant monster in the room. With the embolism (hopefully) out of his system, the doctor was ready to get to work. All that he could remember about the substance he was looking for was that it was a clear liquid and its capsule was blue. Out of all of his chemicals, only two types matched that description. Half of them were labeled NaCl(aq). It had been a while since he'd taken any chemistry, but he knew that had to be the formula for salt. The other capsules then, labeled NH3(aq), must have been his target. Dr. Mario grabbed the capsule and flung it at the Omega Pirate's arm. It hit, and sure enough, the carapace coating the monster's hand began to boil and fester. The reaction didn't last long, however, before Phazon glopped out from the wound and sealed it like a cavity filling.

"OMEGA! OMEGA!"

The Omega Pirate screamed harder than before as he turned back to the doctor and shot a cluster of grenades at him. Dodging only one had left him with burns before; dodging a whole swarm of them would be hopeless. Even still, something had to be done. The instincts he retained from his artificial memories urged him to reflect the projectiles with his cape, but alas, he had no such item. Sure, his lab coat was similar in purpose, but it wouldn't work if...well actually, it couldn't hurt to try. Unless his timing was rustier than he hoped, then it could hurt a lot to try.

Just before the grenades could make contact, Dr. Mario grabbed the edge of his coat and flipped it up into the air. Miraculously, he managed to swat the grenades a safe distance away. Safe as he may have been, however, he was no closer to neutralizing the feral warrior.

"Ugh...hey, Doc," Toon groaned as he crawled back up to his feet, "we got a game plan? You seem to be the resident expert in killing giant alien monsters."

"These-a chemicals can melt through his skin, but not enough to kill him."

"Maybe we just need to concentrate the dose. Can we get any more of the stuff?"

"I-a don't think so. Not here anyway. Although...that-a doesn't mean it can't be concentrated."

Of course, that had to be the answer! The salt capsules Dr. Mario had in his coat couldn't just be plain table salt; at room temperature, salt exists in a solid state. These capsules must've held solutions of salt in water. Perhaps the (aq) stood for "aqua" or something similar? If so, then the capsules that could pierce the Omega Pirate's armor were also water solutions. All they had to do was separate the water from the NH3, and they'd have a pure dose to strike down the beast.

Dr. Mario's plan was cut short as the Omega Pirate punched the ground with his fist. A blue pulse of energy rippled out through the air, knocking both Dr. Mario and Toon back onto the ground. When the Omega Pirate fired his next volley of plasma grenades, Dr. Mario was unable to maneuver in time to deflect the attack. He surely would've been maimed beyond recognition had Toon not thrown his shield to the doctor just in time. Even with the shield to absorb the blast, however, the heat generated from the explosion was enough to vaporize the sweat on his brow. And that was the final piece of the puzzle. As Dr. Mario rolled onto his feet, he could see the path that would lead them to victory; a path so singular, so absolute, the doctor could almost trick himself into believing in it.

"Toon!" Dr. Mario said, retrieving another capsule, "Hang-a back! I-a want him to focus on me!"

Toon nodded and withdrew to the wall. With Dr. Mario now in the center stage, the Omega Pirate targeted the doctor with his largest scattershot yet. But Dr. Mario didn't flinch. Instead, he threw his capsule into the air in front of him, allowing it to become entangled with the explosives racing towards him. This way, when he flipped his cape, the capsule and the bombs were sent away together. Dr. Mario's aiming was immaculate, launching the grenade cluster just beneath the Omega Pirate's diverging chin. Sure, the grenades themselves didn't do much upon exploding beyond blackening some of the Pirate's exposed flesh, but the capsule was a different story. The water within the capsule was vaporized instantly, leaving just the chemical agent to waft down the Pirate's gullet. The doctor knew his plan was successful when the Pirate began coughing instead of screaming. His chest rumbled violently, fuming with smoke as it's carapace began to chip.

"Now, Toon!" Dr. Mario said, "He's-a weak!"

The Omega Pirate tried to aim his cannons at Toon in between coughs, but before he could, Toon whipped out the Hookshot and fired it at the Omega Pirate's abdomen. The hook pierced his cracked chest plates, impaling whatever grotesque organs laid beneath them. Blood fountained out of the wound once the hook was yanked out. After this mortal blow, the Omega Pirate's screaming grew softer and softer, until his whimpers were quieter than the splash of his innards hitting the ground.

"Woohoo!" Toon chanted, looking up at his fallen foe, "We did it!"

"Hold on, Toon!" Dr. Mario said, "We're not-a safe until he drops!"

"Fine, fine."

Toon walked up to the wheezing Pirate and gave him a firm shove. The Pirate teetered back a bit, only to stumble forward and collapse onto Toon. When the Omega Pirate hit the ground, his skin burst like an eggshell, allowing a pool of Phazon to ooze out and cascade over the Hylian. Dr. Mario leapt in and pulled Toon out as quickly as he could, but even after a few moments of submersion, the Phazon had changed Toon Link. His skin had shifted to an ashen grey, with some veins popping out in a darker, nearly black shade. His eyes, twitching about wildly, were hazy and coated with Phazon's trademark blue color. It matched the neon vomit peeking out from the corners of Toon's lips.

"Toon! Do you feel alright!?"

"I feel like I got peed in my eyes, except this time, the pee is radioactive sludge."

"You've-a really got to come up with more similes to illustrate your-a points."

Once he was able to stand on his own accord, Toon brushed off any of the Phazon left lingering in his person. Perhaps if he wiped it off soon enough, he'd avoid the radioactive after effects.

"Well, I guess we're going on another wacky dacky medical adventure." Toon pulled out Monita and jiggled her around a bit. "Hey, Monita, hypothetically, what would happen if I just got drowned in Phazon?"

"THE ONSET OF PHAZON CORRUPTION WOULD BE INSTANTANEOUS. DEATH WOULD BE IMMINENT."

Toon held out his arms and observed his body. Despite all the odds, he seemed to still be quite alive.

"Wanna run those numbers again, Momo?"

"Maybe you have some-a sort of immunity," Dr. Mario pondered.

"With all of my cloning defects, I think "immunities" are the last things you'll find floating around in my body."

"CLONING?"

"Yeah, we're clones from the Orpheon."

"THE PRIME DIRECTIVE ABOARD THE ORPHEON BEFORE ITS CRITICAL FAILURE WAS EXPERIMENTATION ON PHAZON. MANY OF THE CLONES ON THE ORPHEON WERE MADE EXPLICITLY FOR SUCH EXPERIMENTS. FOR THIS REASON, ALL CLONES PRODUCED ON THE ORPHEON WERE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED BY DEFAULT TO BE PHYSIOLOGICALLY COMPATIBLE WITH PHAZON."

"So you mean I'm all good?"

"POSSIBLY. PHAZON COMPATIBILITY HAS NOT BEEN PERFECT, AND OFTEN LEADS TO SPONTANEOUS GENETIC DETERIORATION."

"Hey, better than nothing! I consider this a success!" Toon whooped and cheered, holding up his hand for Dr. Mario to high five. The doctor reluctantly slapped back, causing Toon to cheer exponentially louder. Bombastic as it may have been, it was hard not to find Toon's optimism contagious.

"HOWEVER, THIS ONLY APPLIES TO BLUE PHAZON. ANOTHER VARIETY, REDDISH ORANGE IN COLOR, IS BELIEVED TO EXIST ON TALLON IV. BECAUSE RED PHAZON ONLY EXISTS IN THE DEEPEST LAYERS OF TALLON IV, THE SPACE PIRATES HAVE HAD LITTLE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPERIMENT WITH IT, AND THUS WERE UNABLE TO INSTALL RED PHAZON COMPATIBILITY INTO ANY OF THEIR CLONES."

"Well," Dr. Mario said, shoddily feigning Toon's cheeky grin, "it's a good thing we've only-a run into blue Phazon in this cave, huh?"

"Doc!" Toon warned, wiping the smile off of the doctor's face, "Shut it!"

"What?"

"Haven't you been paying attention to the past couple chapters!? This book uses sitcom logic! The very second you acknowledge something will not happen, the probability of that thing happening in the very next scene jumps to 100 percent!"

"Toon, believe me, I'll always be-a the first to point out how bad our luck has-a been. But it doesn't-a help to be superstitious. The Phazon is stationary; it's-a the one thing on this planet that-a can't chase us. We should be-a fine as long as we don't-a walk right into it."

All of a sudden, Dr. Mario and Toon Link were instantly teleported somewhere entirely new. There was no more machinery, or anything else built by sentient hands. Now all that surrounded them was stone, chalky and white like dried bone; there were even pockets of "bone marrow" in the form of red Phazon.

"No, no, why should anyone listen to Toon?" Toon Link whinged, "It's not like he's literally always right."

"You're-a the one who told me to-a keep my chin up! How was I supposed to know we'd just teleport again!?"

"Because of that clone we pissed off on the Orpheon that's been teleporting all of tha sand down here! Duh!"

"The what!?"

"Oh, did I forget to tell you about that?"

Dr. Mario sat down and clutched his head in silence. Toon shrugged and turned his attention back to the tablet.

"Monita, I take it you can't tell us where we are until we find another terminal?"

"WHILE I CANNOT PROVIDE YOU WITH EXACT COORDINATES, I CAN GIVE YOU A ROUGH APPROXIMATION. RED PHAZON IS BELIEVED TO ONLY EXIST DEEP WITHIN THE IMPACT CRATER, SO YOU ARE LIKELY WITHIN THAT AREA. IN FACT, IT SEEMS AS THOUGH EVERY PORTION OF TERRAIN THAT HAS BEEN TELEPORTED SO FAR HAS BEEN MOVED PROGRESSIVELY CLOSER TO THE BOTTOM OF THE IMPACT CRATER."

"What's this Impact Crater you're talking about?"

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT SEVERAL DECADES AGO, SOMETHING AKIN TO A LIVING METEOR CRASHED INTO TALLON IV AND INTRODUCED PHAZON TO THE BIOSPHERE. THE COLLISION OF THIS METEOR WITH THE PLANET'S SURFACE IS THOUGHT TO HAVE CREATED THE IMPACT CRATER, A MASSIVE CAVITY IN THE PLANET'S CRUST. NOT MUCH IS KNOWN ABOUT THE IMPACT CRATER; THE SPACE PIRATES HAVEN BEEN UNABLE TO PENETRATE THE ARTIFACT TEMPLE, WHICH WAS CONSTRUCTED BY THE CHOZO TO OBSTRUCT THE SPREAD OF PHAZON. THE SPACE PIRATES ONLY KNEW ABOUT THE PRESENCE OF RED PHAZON IN THE IMPACT CRATER BECAUSE THE RADIATION IT PRODUCED WAS POWERFUL ENOUGH TO BE DETECTED FROM ABOVE GROUND."

"Wait, so you mean there's no Pirates in the bottom of the Crater?"

"PROBABLY NOT, NO."

"Hey, maybe the other clone is trying to head down there, then? To get away from all of these space creeps."

"I could get behind-a that notion," Dr. Mario said.

"Exactly!" Toon tugged on the doctor's coat and began marching along down the cave. "So maybe we should look around here for the other clone. Convince him we're all on the same side, get him to warp us off this planet. Sound cool?"

"Hmm. I-a just don't know. What if-

"Doc, we've been through this routine like three times. You know we're gonna end up doing it anyway."

"I know, I know. Let's-a get a move on."


	21. A1C21 - Wrath of the Reset Bomb

When we last left the Star Allies, a Reset Bomb prepared to crush them all and the entirety of Castle Dedede into oblivion. It shouldn't have been surprising, really; the Smash Brothers all seemed to attract explosive weaponry the way lottery winners attract their truant fathers. Predictable as it may have been for us, however, the Star Allies had no way to prepare. By the time they'd realized the bomb was headed their way, most of the castle had been engulfed by the bomb's shadow. Samus was swarmed by panicked Waddle Dees flooding the balcony, all screaming and flailing in distress. Samus was just about ready to smack them all into shape when none other than King Dedede began barking out orders.

"Alright, everybody, listen here!" Dedede bellowed as he puffed out his chest, drawing the attention of every Waddle Dee, "See that bomb up there blocking out the sun!? That right there's the Grim Reaper itself, and it's nearabout at our door! Well the Devil-I say the Devil can come a-knocking, and I'll be damned if we don't answer! Alfa squad, Beta squad, head to the front gate, wait for my command! Charlie squad, start up evac for all non-military personnel! Delta squad, Echo squad, ready the cannons, wait for my command! C'mon, let's move it people!"

All of the Waddle Dees let out a hoorah before marching off to their respective destinations. Samus paused for a moment, taking in the scene. There was such comradery, such unity. Could such awe inspiring leadership really have come from the beak of the fool regent? Perhaps all of that girth was there to hold the heart of a hero. Whatever it was, Samus decided to go along.

"What's the plan, King Dedede?" she asked the king.

"Just hang tight around here. I've got-I say I've got a handle on this."

Without another word, Dedede ran back into the castle. Samus nodded, ready to play her role, and turned her attention back up to the Reset Bomb. Even with such inspirational leadership behind her, it was hard not to cower beneath the bomb's presence. Such subservience was instinctual to mankind, and beneath this giant plummeting thumb, how else could you feel other than as an insect ready to be squashed? Thankfully, a heroic chirp from Kirby was enough to keep her distracted as they passed the time. And boy, was there certainly time to pass. With every second that passed, Samus grew more and more aware of how quiet the castle chambers had become. Sure, war strategies weren't made instantaneously, but the king should've at least been updating them, no?

"King Dedede?" Samus called back into the castle, "How are we looking? Are we ready yet?"

And yet still, the king was silent. Soon enough, Samus was driven to march back inside, scooping Kirby along for the ride. No sooner had they stepped inside, though, had Samus stopped dead in her tracks. Dedede had never actually explained where he was headed, and any Waddle Dees who could've helped find him had already scurried off to their posts.

"King Dedede? King Dedede!"

Once again, Samus' calls went unanswered. As the bomb's shadow began to creep inside through the windows, Samus placed Kirby onto the ground and asked for his service instead.

"Kirby, you know the king better than I do. Where do you think he'd be right now?"

Kirby hadn't spent more than a few seconds considering his options before running down a hall to the left. As Samus pursued, she once again checked her arm cannon to confirm it was ready for use. Something was keeping the king busy, after all, be it an enemy in the castle or a battle plan in the making that would rock Dream Land to its core; it couldn't hurt to be ready for it. After turning a few corners, Kirby came to a halt, his pink flesh jiggling with inertia. Samus shuffled in front of Kirby, left in awe at where they'd found the king of Dream Land; the kitchen.

Most people would've had no patience for the king's newest antic. Samus had less. The inspiring, respect-commanding leader that ran into the castle earlier never did return. In his place was the same old Dedede, slumped against a kitchen counter, holding a bag of dollar store marshmallows. He was in the middle of shovelling three handfuls of the sugary sweets down his gullet when Kirby and Samus walked in on him.

"...King Dedede," Samus croaked, "what are you doing?"

"Mmphm." Dedede attempted to speak through the marshmallow glob in his mouth, but to no avail. He forced it down a throat as dry as sand and tried again. "Eating."

"What's the plan?"

"The what?"

"The plan!? The one all of your guards are in position for right now!?"

"Oh, right. My plan was to stress eat until the bomb dropped. I just sent all the Waddle Dees off so they wouldn't bother me."

"..."

"Anyone want some?"

"Poyo!"

"Don't encourage him!" Samus yelled, "Dedede, Arlon told me those bombs are meant to target humans. You may not exactly be a human, but you walk like a human, you talk like a human, and you stuff your mouth enough to feed twenty humans. There's a good chance that you'll be dead if you don't get your ass in gear."

"We're gonna die no matter what! At least I'm dying with a bread basket full of marshmallows! Face it, the only thing that'll stop that bomb from hitting the ground is divine intervention!"

And so, divine intervention came.

Through the hole Samus had left in the kitchen wall earlier, light pierced the castle's shadows. "Pierced" was actually a pretty generous term. Heavenly light flooded the kitchen, leaving only mere silhouettes visible to the naked eye. The Star Allies were forced to look away, and before they could look again, a brittle crack rippled through the air. The light dissipated just in time for the Star Allies to see the Reset Bomb hit the ground. It had been knocked far enough off course to miss the castle entirely, and its husk was now split in two. Still, the Allies cringed as they watched the bomb make contact with the edge of the cliff. Such suspense proved anticlimactic, however; the bomb hit the ground with no more than a thud before toppling over and descending down the mountainside. The Star Allies ran outside and looked up to the sky, only for another beam of light to be cast down upon them. Before she was completely blinded, though, Samus caught a glimpse of something zipping up along the light and into the clouds. A series of limbs flailed along behind it; some arms, some legs, even what looked to be a pair of wings. Shocked as she was, it made sense in a strange sort of way - who better than an angel to swoop down and save the day?

"I think that was a person!" Samus declared as the light faded.

"I think I need to go to church more," Dedede mumbled.

"Kirby, Warp Star! If we follow that guy, maybe he'll take us to where those bombs are made!"

Kirby nodded and dialed up their ride. The Warp Star came crashing down and the Star Allies hopped on, but just before they could take off, hundreds of Waddle Dees peeked out from beyond balconies and windows alike. All of them called out and waved to their king, but Bandana Dee, rushing into the kitchen, was the first to truly speak.

"Great King!" Bandana Dee said, "What happened? We didn't hear any orders!"

"Uhh," Dedede pondered, "...I took care of it."

"Wow! All on your own!? Amazing work, Great King!"

On cue, all of the observing Dees clapped and cheered, bursting into tears at the impeccable suave of their almighty ruler. Dedede gave his subjects a grand bow - much to Samus' chagrin - before the Warp Star took off into the air.

* * *

But exactly what shape does divine intervention take? None can say for sure in all cases, but on that day at least, it came in the form of a rather young boy. His features were gentle in every regard, with facial definition so soft, the wind dared not to whip his skin as he flew. Even the wings that carried him up to glory were no rougher than a lamb's wool. Could he really have been the one responsible for destroying the Reset Bomb headed for Castle Dedede? Easily, actually, as he was blessed by the Gods. Heavenly gold covered most of his body, from a golden gauntlet on his wrist to a golden laurel on his head. All of these blessings - perhaps the greatest of all being the divine bow he held in his hand - allowed the angel hero to pave the way for light to shine upon a weary world such as this.

"Yeah! Destructimated!" the boy cheered as he watched the Reset Bomb slide down the mountain. As the clouds parted to make way for his ascent, the voice of his Goddess boomed down and embraced the boy.

"We can't rest yet, Pit!" she said, "Viridi has a Reset Bomb factory that we need to shut down!"

At the behest of the Goddess of Light, Pit readied his bow once again and turned back to the sky, only to be met by the waxen yellow eyes of Viridi's forces. A whole cluster of them had begun to pepper down from the sky. Some fluttered down on leafy parachutes, while others rolled along vines that had anchored themselves into Popstar's earthy flesh. However they got there, the herbal assailants wasted no time in hurling themselves at the young angel. The creatures leading the charge flew in on steel tipped wings, and fired lasers from their bulbous eyes. Pit, of course, came prepared. Two satellites shaped like shields popped out from under his chiton and orbited his person. Just before the enemy attacks could land, the satellites projected walls of divine light, cutting off access to the bright-eyed boy. Pit shot a few arrows - ethereal and translucent in form - before the commanders could fire again, taking the lot of them out nearly simultaneously. The grunts were disposed of shortly after, too shortly to be of much note. Being no more than large chestnuts given animation, they stood no chance against Pit and his Goddess' justice.

Viridi's Reset Bomb depot wasn't far ahead, or at least it looked that way thanks to its size. As the airborne factory continued to dominate his field of view, however, Pit soon realized the sheer scope of this structure. The term "structure" might be overly generous, though; there were no buildings in the factory, nor any machinery. It was simply an island - a big island, to be sure, but an island all the same - hovering in the air. To be fair to the Goddess of Nature, there did appear to be a sort of architecture to the whole affair. The island's surface featured an entire ecosystem, with running rivers and roads of cobblestone. A crystal spire jutted out from the bottom of the island, seemingly to keep the factory balanced upright; and bean pods the size of school buses curled around its edge, guarding the sanctuary from those who intended to intrude.

"It's huge!" Pit exclaimed.

"I'll look for a place to land."

At the Goddess' declaration, Pit's wings spiraled him down unto the island. His landing zone was a vast garden, laden with roads made of cobblestones and smelling of lavender. The peaceful scene was undercut, though, by vegetal cannons springing to life and shooting at Pit. Thankfully, with his orbiting satellites, he managed to block every blast. Upon landing atop the depot's flowered surface, Pit pulled his bow apart into two blades and cut down the belligerent artillery, filling the air with the scent of a freshly mown lawn. Through one, two, three, and even four cannons did he hack, and at the end of it all, Pit was none the worse for wear, save for a brief shortness of breath. To catch his breath, Pit leaned against a girthy tree with a crown frayed like a hair's split ends.

"Whoo," Pit wheezed, raising his hand up into the air, "High five, Lady Palutena!"

"Pit," Palutena giggled, "you know I'm too busy to come down there right now."

"Aw, okay."

Before Pit lowered his hand, however, the tree swung one of its branches and slapped Pit's open palm.

"Thanks, Mr. Tree! Hey, wait a minute-"

The tree then wrapped its arms around Pit and threw him to the ground in a WWE style powerslam. Pit scrambled to get back on his feet, but the tree snatched his feet first and chucked him down a shallow valley. Pit managed to roll some of the damage off, but still ended up acquiring a few scrapes and bruises. His wrist in particular sprained after being thrown around inside his own gauntlet.

"Look out!" Palutena cried, "That's an Urgle! It may look like an ordinary tree, but you can tell the difference by looking for their distinctive blue growth rings."

"I think I just figured out the difference."

Three more Urgles joined the first while Pit rubbed his wounds. Two of them, schlepping a pill bug larger than the two of them combined, dropped their cargo and allowed it to roll down towards the angel. Even injured, it wasn't much work for Pit to jump out of the woodlouse's path and leave it rolling down the hill behind him.

"Pit!" Palutena called down, "Look out!"

"What? Where?"

"Behind you!"

When Pit turned his head around, he expected to see a new foe running towards him, dodging the bumbling pill bug along the way. Instead, the pill bug itself was now rolling _up_ the hill to crush Pit into paste. Pit jumped out of the way once again, but this time, he made sure to observe the pill bug's movement. In spite of its massive size, the bug somehow managed to once again turn back towards Pit with calculated precision. It'd be hard for a scooter to pull off a turn as tight as the one this beast was performing seamlessly. Furthermore, Pit couldn't help but feel as though the bug was gaining speed with every turn it took - or worse, that he himself was losing energy.

"What is this thing!?" Pit exclaimed, firing a torrent of arrows at his spherical foe before dodging once more.

"That's a Megonta, Pit. The Palutena Bow won't be able to penetrate its shell. You need to knock it off balance and attack its vulnerable underside. Your Upperdash Arm should be of good use."

"Right!"

Pit twisted the gauntlet on his wrist until it clicked into place. This simple motion caused a blue star the size of a soccer ball to burst into existence, and from its fiery core, a giant red puck was generated. The disc attached itself to Pit's gauntlet, and soon began spinning too quickly to follow with a human eye. His wrist throbbed in protest, but with the Megonta racing back faster than ever, Pit's pool of alternatives was drying out rapidly. After taking every millisecond he had to brace himself, he dashed forward at the insect and drove the Upperdash into the Megonta's chin in a blink of the eye undercut. Enough force shot out of the device to knock the Megonta into the air, and as its belly rotated out into the open, Pit jumped up and delivered his finishing blow. He punched clear through the pill bug's soft underside. The Megonta was decimated, leaving nothing but a mist of nature's verdant energy. Pit fell to the ground and gripped his wrist - it had surely been dislocated by the recoil of his attacks. Still, Pit was determined to ready his Upperdash and bring the fight to his arboreal attackers up atop the hill. As Pit prepared his advance, however, the Urgles simply turned tail and lumbered back into the soil.

"Huh, that's weird," Pit said as he strapped his bow back to his side, "Where are they going?"

"They're probably off to deal with someone else," the Goddess replied, "A Reset Bomb was already dropped on Popstar. No doubt a few of its residents have taken arms in retaliation."

"But didn't you say there are only a handful of humans on Popstar? What does whatever her name even want from here?"

"Her name is Viridi, Pit, and she's harboring a deadly parasite she found on this planet. I'm not entirely sure why she's done this, but no matter the reason, this depot must be shut down for the sake of everyone on this planet! Head down to the bottom of the depot, that's where the core should be."

"Roger that! Hopefully, you're right about other people being here on the depot. A few friends wouldn't hurt."

* * *

As Pit ventured further down into Reset Bomb depot, nature's inherent discord quickly overtook the architecture. The exterior's beauty still managed to persevere in certain ways, that much was true, but the structure of the inside was wildly warped as a product of overgrowth. Veiny bridges were strung throughout the interior in a webbed network, shooting out left to right and back and forth, dipping and rising and looping and turning. The stone roads on the surface weren't perfect, but at least they didn't pulse whenever you stepped on them. Furthermore, mottled trunks of vine hung from the ceiling, anchored into the disordered floating halls. Strange as they may have been, they gave Pit an excellent opportunity to hide from the Forces of Nature, and that's exactly what he did as a sentient stone pillar stumbled into the room. As it waddled in on a twitching pair of roots, Pit ducked behind a vine pylon and waited for the stony creature to pass. Trouble soon arose, however, as the creature began to circle around the structure instead, forcing Pit into a sort of Western square dance around the trunk with no end in sight.

"What is this thing?" Pit whispered.

"That's a Boom Stomper," Palutena answered, now just from the crevices of Pit's own mind, "They each weigh a couple tons, and love letting people know it. Its weak spot is the leaf on its top. Do your best to avoid its line of sight."

"I'll try, but its kinda hard to tell which side is the front."

"Why don't you try asking it?"

Palutena giggled at her own jest. Pit, however, remained quite straight faced as he poked his head out from behind the spire.

"Hey, mister," Pit asked, "where's your face?"

"Pit!"

"What?"

Try as she might, it was too late for the Goddess to make a course correction; the Boom Stomper had already knocked itself over and began its descent onto Pit. Its stony body had just nearly graced Pit by the time the angel managed to draw an arrow and skewer the Boom Stomper's leaf. Thankfully, the fatal blow had caused the Stomper to crumble to dust atop Pit's head painlessly, but the latter was still forced to run regardless so as to avoid the attention his attack had surely drawn from the rest of the Forces of Nature.

"Pit, what were you thinking!?"

"What? You said I should ask!"

"You knew that wasn't what I meant."

"Well I know now."

And so, Pit scurried down the overpass, weaving through the gazes of Viridi's other infantrymen and eventually rolling off of the bridge entirely. Pit smacked into several more bridges, but just before he could splat onto the hallway carved into the bottom of the grotto, his wings once again unfurled and shined. He was hardly an inch away from the ground when his descent came to a sudden halt.

"Phew," Palutena sighed, "I didn't realize the Power of Flight had any charge left. Consider yourself lucky."

"I'd feel luckier if you realized that a few bridges earlier."

Pit's whinging was cut short by the sound of heavy footsteps trudging his way. After his wings dropped him, he scaled a nearby wall and perched himself on its ledge. His angelic form was thin enough to be tucked away out of sight, high above the guards who approached. Well, _guard_ singular anyway. The hall Pit had fallen into had only one lone knight acting as warden, though its presence was not one to be understated. In its bulky suit of armor - most akin to brass or gold - the knight looked to be well over a foot taller than Pit himself. Every step it took shook the ground beneath it, only accentuating the already obtrusive design of its outfit. With knees pointed like teeth and a ghostly aura emanating from its helm, the cavalier didn't look like anything else that had come from the Reset Bomb depot.

"Who's that, Lady Palutena?" Pit asked, still observing in awe.

"I've...got no idea. I've never seen that before. It might be a new enemy type. Tread carefully, Pit, and take it out quickly!"

Pit nodded and drew back another arrow. He had an astral arrowhead aimed square at the back of the knight's head, but right as he was about to release the bowstring, a command echoed out from its helmet.

"Now, Kirby."

Before Pit could even wonder what that meant, he was ripped from the ledge and sucked down to ground level. Kirby, the source of this suction, just barely surpassed Pit's ankle in height - no wonder he hadn't seen the bugger. And yet somehow, the little creature was sucking in Pit with what felt like the strength of a tornado. Only by dropping his bow and anchoring himself to the floor with his Upperdash Arm could he keep himself from getting absorbed into Kirby's vacuous maw. The bow rattled as it slid across the floor, quickly disappearing into Kirby without an inch left to spare. With a purple pith helmet, a plastic toy bow, and a cutesy grimace of heroism; the pink puffball had become Archer Kirby. Kirby and the knight both trained their weapons on Pit, who could only freeze with his hands held up against the flanking assault.

"Don't count on getting too many chances," the knight barked, "Where are the parasites? Where's your boss keeping them?"

"Huh!? Who are you!?"

"Samus. Kirby. Now get to talking."

"Talking!? What do you mean!?"

"It's a pretty simple choice, kid; talk or don't. Here's a tip; one of those options won't be very good for your life span. Now where are the Metroids?"

"Metroids!" Palutena told her servant, "That's the name of those parasites Viridi's holding on to!"

"Then why's she asking me about them?" Pit said aloud. Kirby, after observing Pit's wings squirm with anxiety, suddenly lowered his bow. He dropped his fierce gaze and turned to his partner in justice.

"Poyo! Poyo poyo!"

"What's that, Kirby?" Samus asked, "You think we've given this asshole enough time to talk, and that I should paint Viridi's carpets with his grey matter?"

"Poyo! Poyo! Poyo!"

"I'm sure you said something like that."

Samus readied a charge shot and fired it at the defenseless angel. The shot burst, but only upon hitting one of Pit's orbitars. After blocking the shot, Pit unveiled the Upperdash and tried to swipe at Samus, but the latter morphed into a ball to evade the strike. Still, now free from gunpoint, Pit hopped up to his feet and lunged at Samus. Her spherical form, tactile as it may have been, left her more vulnerable than ever.

"Pit!" Palutena cried, "Look down!"

But it was just a second too late. Samus, in her morph ball form, had dropped a bomb onto the floor, right at Pit's feet. Pit was blown into the wall behind him, leaving an opening for Samus to lurch forward and bash the angel over the head with her arm cannon. Pit's skull panged with a loud crack, as well as the resonant sound of a bell being struck, and he dropped down to his knees. Samus had the rim of her cannon pressed against Pit's head in preparation to execute the angelic intruder, but Samus could hardly fire before Pit smashed Samus' ankles with a swing of the Upperdash. Her legs buckled, and before she could stand up straight, Pit dashed forward and pummeled her in her midsection. While the Varia suit took most of the blunt force, Samus could still feel her stomach churning in pain.

"How'd you recover so quickly?" Samus asked as she clutched her abdomen.

"I've been getting shot at by bad guys for years! You build up a pretty thick skin after a while. Let me help you build up yours!"

Just as Pit was about to give Samus that help, however, Kirby spat out the Palutena Bow before Pit's feet. Now left bare of any copy ability, Kirby shot Samus a patient glance.

"Oh, thanks, I guess," Pit said as he received Kirby's gift, salivatory coating and all.

"Kirby," Samus said, "why would you rearm him!?"

Kirby only kept staring at Samus, his blank eyes encouraging enlightenment. Soon, she lowered her cannon and began to feel pieces fitting together in her mind.

"Unless...he's trying to tell me something. Hold on for a second. What exactly are you doing here?"

"I'm here to destroy this Reset Bomb factory!" Pit declared.

"_Destroy_ the factory? Don't you work here?"

"What!? No! Don't _you _work here!?"

"No!"

"Alright, then let me go blow up the core!"

"Fine! _You_ let _us_ kill that Zeta Metroid!"

"Fine!"

And so, Samus and Pit awkwardly marched past each other, each punctuating their interaction with an indignant hmph. Kirby followed after Samus, while keeping an eye on the angel as he departed.

"Wait a minute!" Pit exclaimed, turning back to face the others.

"What?" Samus asked. Pit pointed down at Kirby.

"Does _he_ work here!?"

"Are you dumb? Are you silly?"

"Yes, but my point still stands!"

"No it doesn't. He's been with me for the past few hours. He's not one of Viridi's."

"That's exactly what you'd say if he _was_ one of Viridi's!"

"So you don't think _I'm _with Viridi, but not only do you think Kirby's with Viridi, but you think I - who, again, you _don't _think is with Viridi - am covering for him?"

"There are circumstances under which it could be possible."

"Let it go, Pit," Palutena instructed.

"Okay."

And so, Pit turned back around and continued on his way. Samus and Kirby too walked off, and all parties left without so much as a-

"Wait a minute!"

"What is it!?"

"Is this guy one of Viridi's?"

Samus turned once more to see Pit pointing, this time at none other than King Dedede. The king had poked his head in through a door at the end of the hall, with his marshmallows clutched tightly in his grip.

"I heard fighting," Dedede said, "Is this a bad time?"

"King Dedede, there you are!" Samus marched up towards Dedede and Pit, her feet clanking every step along the way. "We've been looking for you for half an hour, we thought the Forces of Nature got you. Didn't I say we should all stick together as a group?"

"But I caught a whiff of my cake!"

"I don't smell anything."

"Really? Huh. Guess I'm just having another stroke is all. Really gotta cut back on the trans fats," Dedede said as he continued to stuff his greasy fucking disgusting mouth with more marshmallows.

"Well anyway, let's get going before bird boy starts talking again."

Just as Samus turned to depart down the hall, Kirby tugged her ankle and called for her attention.

"Poyo, poyo! Poyo poyo poyo!"

"Wait!" Dedede sputtered through gobs of his sugary sludge, "Kirby says this here boy is the thing we saw flying through the air all zippy-like, the one that stopped the bomb. Says he's been trying to tell you for a while now."

Samus reexamined Pit, even grabbing Pit's wings and stretching them out for display.

"Now that you mention it, that flying entity did have wings kind of like his. Kirby, how could you remember what he looks like? When we were following after him, we never got closer than a mile to him."

"Poyo. Poyo poyo."

"He says," Dedede said, "that his eyesight is phenomenal. Makes sense to me; look at those big ol' eyes of his, he can probably see everything!"

"Poyo!"

"He says he can apparently see all of the individual pores on our skin."

"Poyo poyo!"

"In fact, Ms. Aran, he says that your pores-...Kirby, I'm not gonna tell her that."

"Poyo?"

"Cause it's rude!"

"Poyo!"  
"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but there are certain social nuances you gotta keep in mind when you talk to people about their appearance."

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Samus asked.

"N-nothing! Not a thing! Why, the boy's saying your pores are beautiful! Clean-I say clean as a fiddle!"

"...Right. Anyway, sorry about the inconvenience, whatever your name is."

"My name is Pit! Servant of the Goddess of Light!"

"Goddess of Light?"

Just then, light shone down from up above, seemingly with no source. The Star Allies were blinded, though Pit seemed unaffected. Now Palutena's voice rang out from overhead for all in the area to hear.

"That would be me. My name is Palutena, and Pit and I have come to your planet to shut down Viridi's bomb depot. If you don't oppose that goal, then we aren't your enemies."

"Well, uh...to the contrary" Samus said, looking up into the light, "Viridi's been giving us some trouble too. We've been trying to take out these parasites, but the Forces of Nature are sheltering them. They're starting to seem like a bigger danger to Dream Land than the Metroids themselves."

"Then I think we could benefit from working together. You help us take out this depot, and if any Metroids survive the aftermath, we'll help you hunt them down. Deal?"

"Works for me. How about you guys?"

Kirby and Dedede nodded vigorously, shaking their squishy bodies.

"Name's Samus. Little guy down there's named Kirby."

"Poyo!"

"And I'm King Dedede! King of Dream Land, Protector of Popstar, first of my name, all that jazz."

"The King!?" Pit dropped to his knees before the mighty king. "It's an honor, your majesty!"

"Hehe," Dedede whispered to Kirby, "I could get used to this."

Before they could discuss any further, the fibrous floor beneath their feet began to rumble and turn. Suddenly, gnarled vines burst out from the ground. The vines continued to rise until they had erected themselves into an arch hanging over the quartet. Water poured down from the top of this arch, seemingly manifesting endlessly from inside the vines themselves. Once the curtain of water had formed into a fully fledged waterfall, the reflection of a young girl appeared on the water's vertical surface. She looked not a day over eight, and yet her face burned with a venomous demeanor unexpected of a man of any age. Her miniscule form, covered by a dress sewn with rose petals and thorns, towered over the gang much like a jackal would loom over its carrion.

"Good lord!" Dedede cried, "It's a child! Who-I say who let a small child into this factory!? It's far too dangerous."

"That's Viridi," Palutena said, "ruler of the earth and all living things, and the owner of this death engine."

Viridi chortled at her peer's flattery.

"Hmph! I didn't know I had a fan club."

"You're a fellow goddess, Viridi. Not all of the gods shut the rest of the world out like you do."

Viridi's brief glimmer of levity vanished, and her youthful round face once again scrunched up with impunity.

"Clearly, I haven't shut the world out that much if the Goddess of Light and her merry band of sycophants can just march on into my depot."

"_Her_ merry band?" Dedede cut in, "Begging your pardon, lil lady, but I don't work for her."

"And you are?"

"King Dedede!"

"Doesn't ring a bell."

"King of Dream Land?"

"Don't think I've heard of you."

"You dropped a bomb on my front door the size of a trailer house!"

"Do you not even look before you drop these things!?" Pit asked.

"The people of Dream Land are lucky that I didn't just start firing randomly. If this guy's the shining example of Dream Land's populace, I might as well raze the whole country to the ground!"

"Have they even done anything to you!?"

"Not to me. To my children. Those poor Metroids have been in more danger in the past few hours than anyone living down on Popstar. Two of them are already dead; one frozen and shattered, one beaten to a pulp. Even when the people of Dream Land aren't acting in service of their innate bloodlust, their filthy lifestyle puts the Metroids in harm's way. When we found the Metroids, they were lugging around a cake they had found; what if the cake was toxic to them and they ate it? What would you do in my position? What would you do, Palutena, with your 'undying wisdom.' It's my responsibility to keep these Metroids safe, and I can't do that with these Dreamlanders causing trouble."

"I would at least try to solve things a bit more diplomatically first."

With her nose up to the air, Viridi huffed and locked her eyes on King Dedede.

"King Dedede, do you have anything to say on behalf of your Kingdom?"

"Why yes; two things, in fact. Firstly, about that cake: do you still have it?" Dedede asked.

"Yeah. We tried to dispose of it earlier, but the Metroids get fussy whenever we try to take it out of their habitat."

"Great, second question: may I have it back?"

"Absolutely not! I bet there's animal products in that disgusting tower of slop. Who knows how many innocent creatures have died to sate your endless gluttony?"

"Uh oh," Dedede whispered to Kirby, "she's one of _those_ types. Worry not, Kirbster, this is where my endless charisma's gonna kick into high gear."

As he turned back towards Viridi, Dedede cleared his throat and puffed out his chest, slinging his mallet over his shoulder to make himself look taller.

"Why, your divinity, I assure thee, if there were ever a greater animal lover than I, I've never met 'em! I assure you-I say I assure you that that cake hasn't even dipped its pinky toe into the animal kingdom. I mean, do I look like the type to purchase a big juicy brisket, let it soak in a red wine marinade overnight, throw it into a smoker over some fruitwoods for a few hours, and then dig into that crisp flesh with a side of baked beans and a bowl of mac and cheese? It's absurd!"

"...What's that you're eating?"

"Marshmallows."

"Uh huh. Do they have gelatin?"

"I dunno, probably."

"You know that gelatin is an animal product, right? It's made out of collagen, which you get from boiling pig skin and cow bones."

Dedede nearly fell onto his backside, pushed backwards by the force of his own laughter. To get a grip on his sides before they went into orbit, he had to drop his hammer, which landed on Pit's foot and broke three of his toes. Kirby looked up at Dedede silently, only to be pulled in close so that the king could share his humorous amusement.

"Oh good Heavens! This is just rich, ain't it, Kirby? Haha! Such heartwarming naivete is scarcer than a hen's teeth these days. To think that this uppity little varmint really believes that marshmallows are made from pig skins and cow bones!"

"Poyo."

Suddenly, Dedede's skin flushed, and the marshmallows fell from his limp hand.

"...What...what d'ya mean they're actually made from pig skins and cow bones?"

"Poyo poyo!"

"What!? That's disgusting! Wha-how!? How!? I reckoned they were made of sugar or something! To think these piddlin' little fluff balls are made with such gore, such depravity. And I've been chomping down on them like there's no tomorrow! Tell me, Kirby; these little treats are made with swine, but aren't I the real pig here?"

"Poyo." Kirby shrugged as he picked up the bag and popped a marshmallow into his mouth.

"Don't keep eating them!"

"Well, there's your diplomacy for you," Viridi said, "Now then, I shall continue to harbor the Metroids until I deem it safe for them to leave my custody. The Reset Bomb depot will remain on Popstar to act as a fortress for them, and as a deterrent against those that would continue to endanger them. If no one has anything else to contribute to this riveting consultation, you're all free to-"

"Viridi."

Samus spoke out quietly, yet with a firmness that demanded everyone's attention. She stepped in front of the rest of the group to look Viridi in the eyes directly.

"You talk about the Metroids as if they're an endangered species. Let's not mince words here. The Metroids are a weapon. This is not their home; they were planted here by the Space Pirates, God knows why. Maybe its part of a mission, maybe they were bored. Whatever the reason, whenever Metroids are sent to a planet, they don't leave until everyone living on that planet is dead. I know because the one time they didn't, it was because of me. You wanna protect some endangered species? Every lifeform on this planet is endangered, and those Metroids are the danger. If blowing up a castle and killing thousands of people is worth protecting three endangered lifeforms, surely, killing three Metroids is worth protecting the billions of endangered people on this planet."

Samus was interrupted by Viridi stomping her foot on the ground. The little goddess was grinding her teeth loud enough to hear.

"You dare lecture the Goddess of Nature about defending nature!? Protecting nature's children is my job!"

"Is it now? And yet the people of Dream Land are to blame for the Metroids ending up in an unsustainable habitat? Funny how you love to blame everyone else for not doing _your_ job."

After that, no one said anything for a few moments. Viridi's expression was hard to pin down; were her eyes bugging out of shock from such a comment, or was she simply struggling to see through all of the red? Who could know. Pit, on the other hand, was quite readable, with hands covering his gaping mouth. King Dedede wore quite a similar expression, with the added challenge of suppressing a fit of boisterous laughter. Kirby idled about relatively peacefully, and Samus held her stance without wavering.

"Well," Viridi finally said, "I think I've changed my mind."

"Really?" Pit asked.

"Yep. Now you're not leaving. Rise, children of the earth! Let's make sure these monsters never hurt another one of your brothers and sisters ever again!"

On that note, Viridi disappeared and the waterfall dried up. The floor beneath them split open once again, this time giving rise to a new fleet of Viridi's children. Megontas and Boom Stompers, Urgles and Fraggles, they were all there, frenetically clawing at each other's backs just for a shot at first blood.

"Well that went well," Pit said, "What now?"

"Now we're gonna get bum-rushed by a forest's worth of Viridi's minions." Samus cocked her arm cannon and aimed it towards the horde blocking their exit. "And after that...King Dedede, how did you put it earlier?"

"Time for some herbicide, haha!" Dedede grabbed his hammer off of the floor and held it up high.

"So we're really in it together?" Pit asked.

King Dedede gave Pit a firm pat on the shoulder.

"You know it, feathers: you're a Star Ally now."

"Woohoo! I don't know what that means!"

"Neither do I," Samus reassured, "Now let's get to work."


End file.
